A/N: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own any of the Redwall-alter-egos that guys submitted to me, thank you very much) I do, unfortunately, own Sappyhre Riverjewel Bluerose. (sigh)
Also, a lot of the humor and dialouge here belongs to LittlePsyhcoWolf, so give her some credit. :)
"Annnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd we're back!" shouted Kelaiah, and the audience went wild.
"KEL-LY! KEL-LY! KEL-!"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ROARED KELAIAH. "I TOLD YOU BEFORE, ITS EITHER 'KEL', 'KELAIAH', OR 'YOUR MAJESTY', BUT YOU MUST NEVER EVER EVER CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The audience settled down.
"Thank you," said Kelaiah very calmly. Then he said grinned and said perkily, "Now then, right before we took off, we learned that the Sixclaws are being bothered by a Mary Sue, and that that same Mary Sue was about to come out on stage."
The audience cheered excitedly.
"Now then-" Kelaiah began to say, but then one of the security badgers began tapping his shoulders. "What? What is it?" the ferret hissed, annoyed at the interruption.
The huge male badger put his muzzle close to Kel's ear and began whispering something that appeared to be quite urgent.
Kel listened for awhile before he arched one eyebrow (Ara the pine marten noticed this and snorted in jealousy), and then gave the badger a nod before turning towards the audience.
"Steve here just informed me that many of you are in possession of weapons. Obviously you were all prepared in case the Sue were to come out, right?"
"Yes!" the audience replied cheerfully, eagering polishing their blades.
"I'm sorry," Kelaiah said seriously. "But weapons are not allowed on this show."
"What?!" objected the audience, but Kel lifted his lazer-thingy and zap all the weapons were gone.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted the indignant audience.
"Don't worry," Kelaiah yelled over their outraged howls. "You'll get them back after the show is over. Relax, relax, have no fear, you'll get them back."
The audience settled down, though most them continued grumbling.
"Now then," the male ferret went on. "We were going to have the Sue come out just now, weren't we? So bring out the Sue!"
And out she came.
Never before was there a lovelier ferretmaid.
Or, for that matter, one equally lovely.
This ferretmaid was the most beautiful creature ever to walk the planet (she did, after all, resemble Bluefen, didn't she?).
Her humongous orbs put sapphires to shame with their unearthly blueness and glittered like a thousand diamonds held up to a clear midnight summer sky. Her fur was softer and smoother than silk with not one hair out of place, and was a creamy golden-white in color, and shone very brightly. Her svelte, fragile frame was swathed in magnificent blue robes embroidered with gold and silver and precious stones and pearls, the garment flattering every part of her perfect body.
Had the Sue not been sprayed down, her Sparklypoo would've charmed all the audience members as soon as they saw her, but she had been sprayed down, so the audience was able to do this:
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One of the audience members, a female Pure Ferret with a bandana and a slash through one eye, jumped up from her seat and pelted the Sue with a few leftover tomatoes from earlier, as well as a few scrapped fanfics.
Unfortunately, the stuff only fell off of the Sue and didn't stain her, something that obviously really teed the ferretmaid (who was dragged back to her seat by the badger security). The Sue continued to gracefully walk over to the seat next to Swartt and tried to take his arm, but Bluefen yanked him out of reach, hissing at her Sue-antagonist.
Sniffing at Bluefen, the Sue turned and smiled at Kelaiah, showing off two rows of teeth that were like two strings of pearls.
"Hello, Kelaiah!" she said, her voice so sweet that it would've put nightingales to shame.
Kel turned towards the audience with a comically sickened look before looking back at the Sue to ask a few questions.
"Mary Sue," he began. "Why have y-"
"Don't call me 'Mary Sue'!" snapped the Sue. "My name is not 'Mary Sue'! It's Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever," Kelaiah said, waving his paw. "Why have yo-"
"I will not be treated any less than deity!" cried the Su- er, "Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose".
Kelaiah stared at her for awhile as the audience booed her.
"Okay, fine," he said, waving for the audience to shut up. "Now then, why have you disrupted the relationship between the Sixclaws?"
Once again the audience booed.
"I didn't disrupt anything!" Saphyre said, giving her beautiful head a toss.
"Bluefen says she saw you kissing her husband."
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" said the audience, louder than ever.
Saphyre's sapphire (no pun intended) eyes widened and clouded over and became a periwinkle-ish color. "Bluefen was supposed to be dead for that fic . . . and Swartt was supposed to be grieving for her and would wish upon a star that she would come back to him and then he would see me, a travelling warriormaid, and would mistake me for her because I just so happen to look like her and then he'd kiss me but then I'd break myself free and then we would swordfight and then afterwards after I wound him I heal his wounds out of the kindess of my golden heart and then after he asks me 'Bluefen, why did you do that?' I explain to him that I'm not Bluefen and that he's made a terrible mistake but then he'd take me back to his horde anyway as his personal healer and I'd end up becoming his closest friend and I save his life multiple times from all the rebels who are still loyal to Bowfleg and in the end he ends up recanting his evil ways because my goodness showed him the light, and then-"
It was right about here when one of the audience members, a brown-furred, blue-eyed ottermaid by the name of Aelin Wordsmith, took out her sling (which Kelaiah's lazer had failed to make disappear because he had only been thinking of swords and axes at the time and had not taken slings into account) and, whirling it high above her head, sent a nice large stone aimed at Saphyre.
Unfortunately, the otter's aim was a little off, and so she ended up hitting Swartt on the footpaw.
"EEEEEEYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screeched Swartt, hoping about on one footpaw, clutching at his injured one.
Aelin cursed mildly and tried to reload her sling but she was set upon by the badger security and was promptly dragged out of the studio kicking and screaming, although the audience was cheering for her.
"-and then the two of us would end up living together peacefully in Noonvale where we meet the descendants of Brome," continued Saphyre as though there had been no interruption. "And that would be the end except for the epilouge where Swartt and I join paws as we watch our children pick flowers and play with each other and Brome's descendants and reminscence about our wedding and kiss and then go inside and then there'd be a sequel where our daughter goes on an adventure of her own-"
Just then another audience member, a pudgy hedgehog wearing a green plaid kilt by the name of Isaac, stood up and yelled, "Ach, giver yer yap, ye great big stupid lump of a Sue!"
"DON'T CALL ME A 'SUE'!" screeched Saphyre, her eyes lighting with a dazzlingly blue fire. "I'M NOT A SUE, YOU SILLY HEDGEPIG!"
"Yes, you are!" snapped another audience member, a reddish-orange squirrel by the name of Blazefur. "You are a pathetic excuse for an OC!"
Saphyre glared at the squirrel and said, "Does your mother know your here?!"
Blazefur, who was ten seasons old, blushed, and yelled, "I can bash Sues if I want, I don't need my mum's permission!"
"Now everybeast, calm down," said Kelaiah in a cool, soothing voice.
"Huh, you should talk!" retorted Blazefur. "The way how you lose your temper whenever somebeast calls you 'Kelly'-"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ROARED KELAIAH.
"Kelly Kelly Kell - AUGH!!!"
Kelaiah had jammed his lazer-turned-tazer into the young squirrel's chest.
"Ahem," the skinny ferret said as Blazefur crumbled into a lump of smoking fur. "Let's continue on, shall we?"
"Yes, let's!" said Saphyre, spreading her lovely skirts in a dainty, ladylike fashion.
"So anyway," Kelaiah said, turning to the audience. "It seems as though we've heard both sides of the story: Bluefen is indignant that Saphyre made Swartt fall in love with her, and Saphyre wishes to turn Swartt to light-"
"That's the cheesiest thing I ever heard!" shouted a teenage male red squirrel by the name of Scirus. "Y'know, Kelaiah, if you hadn't taken away our weapons we could be killing her off right now!"
"Ach, now there's a beastie after me own heart!" Isaac the highland hedgehog said. The two of them shared a high-five.
Kelaiah scowled. "Look, it's for your own personal safety that weapons are dissallowed-"
Both Isaac and Scirus interrupted with shouts like "Oh, c'mon!" and "Own personal safety? Killing off the Sue so we wouldn't've had to listen to that story-tellin' of 'er's, that's what I calls personal safety!" and "Are you sure you know what you're doing up there, Kelly?"
That last comment made Kelaiah go, "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And with that, the irate ferret zapped at the squirrel and hedgehog, and the next thing either of them knew they were gagged and bound to their chairs.
"MMRF! MRF MRRF!" said Scirus.
"MMMRRRRRFFFF! RRRFFFF!" said Isaac.
Kelaiah nodded in a satisfied way and continued on with obviously strained perkiness.
"Why don't we take some questions from the audience, shall we?" Kelaiah said. "Um, let's see. You miss," he said, looking at a female ermine with golden-brown fur. "What's your name?"
"Kyra."
"Okay, then, Kyra, do you have anything you want to ask our guests?"
"Well, actually, I have more of a comment then a question. Something I'd like to say to the 3th3r3al m00ng0dd355."
Kelaiah blinked at the ermine; how the heck did she do that?!
Ignoring Kelaiah, Kyra turned to Saphyre and said, speaking into the ferret's microphone, "You know, I was a Sue once. Now I'm just a half-Sue. And I would like to say . . . NO! I WAS NEVER LIKE YOU! Okay, maybe I was . . . but I'm not anymore!" And with that, the female ermine calmly sat back down into her seat.
"Um," said Kelaiah. "Okay, um . . . why don't we take a few more questions? Um, how about you, miss? You were throwing tomatoes earlier, weren't you?" Kelaiah asked, going over to the female Pure Ferret. She had a bandana on her head and a slash through one eye.
"Yes, I was," the ferretmaid said.
"Could you tell us your name, please?" Kelaiah asked, putting his lazer-turned-microphone near her mouth.
"Liliot. 'Lil' fer short."
"Alright, do you have any questions for our guests on stage?"
"Well, not really, 'cept I happen to agree with the squirrel and hedgehog - if you'd let us keep our weapons we would've been rid of the Sue right now!"
"DON'T CALL ME A SUE!" shouted Saphyre. "I'M NOT A SUE!"
"Oh yes you absoblinkin' are!" Lil retorted. "Anybeast can see from that little speech that you made earlier that y'are!"
Saphyre glared regally down at the other ("And much less pretty," Saphyre's mutated mind added) ferretmaid. "What speech? You mean my intended storyline? Ha! You're just jealous because I'm a so much more interesting and in-depth character than you are!"
"What?!" cried Bluefen. "No you're not! You're not interesting or in-depth in any way possible!"
Saphyre turned her annoying superior glare to Bluefen, a slight trace of a smirk about her perfect lips. "You're just jealous because Swartt loves me more than he'll ever love you."
Bluefen stood up, eyes flaming.
"Uh oh," said Kelaiah. "Uh, folks? I think we'll take a sh-short break after these messag- AUGH!" the male ferret just barely ducked in time to avoid the flying chair.
A/N: Special thanks to all those who submitted a character and to LittlePsychoWolf whose humorous PMs will be showing up in when we come back! ;)
Stay tuned! ;D (And don't worry, I know how I want this to end, never fear!)