A/N: I do not own Redwall, nor the idea for this commercial - Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques, and the commercial idea belongs to Snuffsnuff. (Thanks, Snuffie!)

"Now then," said Cluny the Scourge to his army. "Those are the plans. Follow them exactly and Redwall Abbey will be our's tonight!"

Just then, one of the horderats looked up. "Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Chief, could you repeat those instructions again? I wasn't listening."

Cluny stared slack-jawed at the unwitting rat. Then his long, poison-tipped tail whipped forward and seized the poor rat about the neck, dragging him forward.

"YOU USELESS IMBECILE!" the warlord roared, and was just about to slay the blubbering vermin when all of the sudden-

"WAAAIIIT!!!"

Cluny paused, caught off guard. He turned and looked at Redtooth, who had spoken.

"Chief, what are you doing?!" he cried, staring at his leader with wide eyes.

Cluny stared right back, thunderstruck at his second-in-commands words and actions, but before he could say a word, Redtooth was speaking again.

"Don't cha realize that'll be the fifteenth horderat you've slain today?"

Cluny blinked and narrowed his eyes, his jaw still hanging open.

"Why, at the rate you're goin'," Redtooth continued, "you won't have an army to take over Redwall with!"

Finally Cluny found his voice. "Well, when yer a warlord, its hard to keep yer temper in check when you have to deal with so many idiots!" he snapped, glaring down at the cringing rat on the ground.

"But not to worry!" Redtooth said in a suddenly perky, commercially sort of way, getting Cluny's attention again. "I have just what you need!" He pulled out something from behind him. "Here you go!" he said cheerfully, holding it out in his paw.

Cluny took the proferred item and stared at it. Finally he looked back up at Redtooth. "A doll?" he spat in disgust.

"Not just any doll, Chief!" Redtooth chirped. "Squeeze it!"

Cluny stared at Redtooth, then at the doll, then at Redtooth, then back at the doll. Finally he gave it a good, hard squeeze, and the doll's eyes buldged out, creating a rather comic effect.

"Heh heh," Cluny said, genuinely amused.

"There, see?" Redtooth said. "With this, you can just squeeze it whenever yer horde gits on yer nerves, so that way you have a way to channel your warlord-ish behavior and still have plenty of hordebeasts to serve you!"

"Heh, y'know, that's a good idea," said Cluny, but he was interrupted by an irate shout.

"Hey!"

A tall, skinny ferret with rectangular glasses came out, looking furiously indignant. Looking upwards, he shouted at his human-alter-ego, "That stress doll looks like ME! What's the big idea?!"

"Well," the author said. "The stress doll's eyes were supposed to bug out, and that what your eyes do when I squeeze you, so-"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted the ferret. "Haven't I suffered enough?! Where will it all end?! Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The scene was interrupted by a commerical-like voice, "For all you warlords out there that are short of temper and short on hordebeasts, just purchase this stress doll and you'll find yourself with plenty of hordebeasts to boss around!"

"Um, yeah," said Redtooth, as he and Cluny and the rest of the horde stared at the hysterically sobbing ferret. "Eh, what are the orders, Chief?"

Cluny blinked and turned his attention back to his horde. "Onto Redwall!"

And so the horde went on to try to conquer Redwall (again), leaving the sobbing ferret behind.

That line that the stupid rat said, I don't own that either. I got if off of somewhere on the net called "Out of the Mouths of Incompetent Vermin." So yeah.