A/N: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own any of the Redwall-alter-egos that guys submitted to me, thank you very much) I do, unfortunately, own Sappyhre Riverjewel Nightingale Bluerose. (sigh)

Also, a lot of the humor and dialouge here belongs to LittlePsyhcoWolf, so give her some credit. :)

ALSO, I would like to point that it was warrior4 who suggested that one of the security badgers be named 'Steve' (it was LittlePsychoWolf who insisted that I use it, but it was warrior4 who came up with the idea first). So he kinda owns Steve . . . sort of. I'll work it out. Warrior4 also owns Rector the light-mouse.

!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!: The following chapter has a lot of . . . temper-losing, so viewer discretion is advised.

"And we're back," Kelaiah said, mopping his brow.

This time, although the audience was cheering, they were not chanting 'Kelly'. However, several of the audience members had been tazered in order to subdue them during the past exciting moments.

Up on stage, a snarling Bluefen was being held back by three badger-ladies, Saphyre was being sat upon by five more badger security, and Swartt was being tazered by Steve.

"AACK! NO! BAD STEVE! BAD!" Kelaiah yelled. He pointed his lazer at the badger and Steve stopped tazering Swartt. As the warlord fell from his seat to the floor with little sparks flickering around his fur, the huge badger looked blankly at Kelaiah, who went on a tangent: "What do you think you were doing?! You were only supposed to use though for emergencies, like when the guests get out of control, and Swartt wasn't doing anything! What do you think you were doing?!"

Steve continued to stare blankly at the skinny, bespecticled ferret.

Kelaiah slapped his face into his palm. "Badgers are supposed to be wise and kindly! Why do I get the security force with the collective IQ of a walnut? Why me? Why me?! WHY ME?!"

Steve continued to stare blankly.

Kelaiah scowled. "Anyway," he snapped, giving one last glare at Steve before turning his attention to the other badgers. "Why don't we allow the ferretmaids to return to their seats? That is, provided that they'll behave better."

Saphyre, who was being suffocated by the five badgers on top of her, readily agreed. Bluefen, after much growling and snarling, finally agreed, and the two of them returned to their seats.

Meanwhile, in the audience, Sunflash the Mace and Skarlath had been seated together, laughing it up at Swartt's predicament.

"Dah ha ha haa! Hey Swartt! How's married life treatin' you? Dah hahahahahahaaa!" roared Sunflash, holding his sides.

"Dah heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeee!" giggled Skarlath. "Yeah, how's the wife? Dah hahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaa!"

"AHEM!" shouted Kelaiah.

After giving a few more feeble giggles, Sunflash and Skarlath calmed down.

"Anyway," Kelaiah snapped. "Now, we were. . . ." the ferret trailed off as he noticed that one of the spotlights was shining very brightly down on him. "Rector, what are you doing?!"

"Trying to get the focus on you," Rector, the spotlight-mouse, called down.

"Well stop it! I don't like it!"

"Hey! I'm the one with the Bloodwrath Beserker Beast Go Headset on, y'know!" the black-eyed mouse threatened.

A/N: For those of you who do not know, warrior4 also came up with the idea of the "Bloodwrath Beserker Beast Go" thing. What that means is that Rector (who is warrior4's alter ego) wears a headset that has a switch that will turn Steve the security badger from a bumbling doofus with the IQ of a doorknob into a raging bloodwrathy beserkish freak. It's a device that's just as scarey as Kelaiah's lazer (which can be MORE than just a lazer, mind you, bwa ha ha ha ha!).

Ferret-Kel: By the way, Rector, why the name change?

Rector: (unconcerned shrug) Don't ask me - OR ELSE I'LL RELEASE STEVE ON YOU!!!!

Ferret-Kel: OKAY! Okay! Relax, mousey.

Rector: What'd you call me?!

Ferret-Kel: Let's continue on with the show.

Kelaiah slapped his face into his paw. Muttering a high-pitched voice, "Why me? Why me? Why me?"

Finally, the ferret took a deep breath, and continued on, "Now, we were asking the audience some questions before we were interrupted. Now, who's next?"

"ME, that's who!" shouted a vixen from the audience.

"Ah, Nightshade," Kelaiah smiled. He went over and placed the lazer-turned-microphone near the vixen's mouth. "What do you have to say?"

"I just want to say to that ferret, Saphyre Waterstone or whatever her name is-"

"It's 'Saphyre Riverjewel Bluerose'!" shouted Saphyre.

"Whatever," snapped Nightshade. "Anyway, your intended storyline is the worst I ever heard! And as for that part about you becoming Swartt's healer, that's a load of crow feathers! I'm the healer of Swartt Sixclaw, nobeast else!!!"

"Hmph!" said Saphyre, tossing her beautiful gorgeous magnificent head. "No wonder Swartt was so bad; you were leading him astray, you vile vixen!"

"What?!" shouted Nightshade.

"You blinded him with visions of glory in battle, thus ruining any chance he had of living a peaceful, loving life, and you were always goading him into the dark side, well its time to put an end to your evil ways, you horrid-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said the audience.

"See? Even the audience agrees with me!" Saphyre said happily, smiling and fluttering her eyelashes at the audience.

"WE'RE BOOING YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!" roared the audience.

Saphyre blinked.

Rector the light-mouse then turned one of the spotlights on Saphyre VERY hard simply because she was annoying him, but unfortunately Saphyre was already so used to her own blazing glory (that is, when she's not sprayed down) that the spotlight didn't faze her. Rector was even more annoyed than ever.

By this time Swartt recovered from his tazering, and managed to get back into his seat, his fur rather disheveled, and proceeded to glare darkly at Steve.

"Alright, quiet! Quiet! QUIET!" shouted Kelaiah over the audience's booing. Finally he whipped out his lazer and zap! the audience became silenced.

"Okay," the ferret breathed. "Why don't we take some more questions, shall we? Um, here, how about you?" Kelaiah asked a creature whose name, species, and gender will remain anonymous because not one of the reviewers ever said point-blank that they wanted to ask the guests any specific questions. "Any questions for our guests?"

"Er, yes, actually," said the creature. "I have a question for Bluefen: why do you put up with Swartt?"

"Why?" said Bluefen, arching her eyebrow. She took one of Swartt's arms and flexed it. "That's why," she said, smiling smugly.

Kelaiah and Arawolf exchanged a look at that; Ara held up a sign that read: "Silly Bluefen, always sticking with the big strong guy who couldn't care less."

Meanwhile, Swartt had been futiley trying to shake his wife off. "Let go of my arm, you little strumpet! I need it to kill things with!" he added, giving Steve another glare.

"Get off the stage, you bloody chauvinist!" Ara catcalled.

"What?!" shouted Swartt, turning his attention to Ara, thus allowing Bluefen to squeeze his biceps (and give Saphyre a few smug looks that said, "You can't have this."). "I never looked down on 'er, you idiotic little minx!"

Saphyre, after glaring at Bluefen, sighed and shook her head at the raging warlord. "I had plans for that too, in my story. Swartt was supposed to realize that females also can be strong and great warriors as well as males because I save his life so many times from all the evil rebelling vermin with my wondrous fighting skills and knowledge with weaponry, and while I tenderly heal his wounds and wrap them up in bandages we both stop and gaze into each other's eyes and-"

"WILL YOU STOP MEDDLING IN MY LOVE LIFE?!" screamed Swartt.

Bluefen snorted, still squeezing her husband's muscles. "What love life? It's not like you ever-"

"SHUT UP!" ROARED SWARTT, COVERING HER MOUTH WITH HIS FREE PAW (AS YOU CAN SEE, SWARTT HAD GONE INTO "ANGRY CAPS MODE"). "ALL OF YOU!! RARRGH - AUGH!!!"

Once again, Swartt was tazered by Steve.

"NO! BAD STEVE! BAD!" Kelaiah pointed his lazer at the badger and Steve's tazer disappeared.

"Huh?" the badger said, looking at his now-empty paw.

"Steve," Kelaiah said in an authortative voice. "Go sit in the corner. NOW."

Hanging his head and pouting like a dibbun, the big badger went over to a corner.

Swartt was now sitting a bit slumped in his seat, little sparks flying off of his fur.

Bluefen continued squeezing her husband's arm-muscles, while Saphyre looked on with such Sue-ish longing. . . .

"Now then! Let's take some more questions, shall we?" continued Kelaiah.

"Yes! I have a question!"

Surprisingly, that came from Saphyre.

"I want to know just why everyone-"

"That's everybeast, stupid!" shouted Dandin from the audience.

Saphyre glared at Dandin. "I talk how I please! Anyway," she said, proceeding to ignore the furious Dandin, "why is everyone so against my storyline? It's a perfectly lovely story, filled with lost love, true love, adventure, romance, fight scenes, and plenty of hilarious scenes where Swartt tries several different ways to get around to kissing me-"

"You wanna know why we're all so against it?!" shouted an audience member, a squirrelmaid with gray fur and blue-green eyes. "I'll tell ya why we're all so against it!"

"Okay, but before you do, miss," Kelaiah said, walking over and putting his microphone near her mouth. "Could you tell us your name?"

"Kalyn Wordsmith, Kel- er, -aiah."

Kelaiah smirked at the squirrelmaid's obvious hesitation. "And just what would you like to say to our . . ." he trailed off, glancing back at Saphyre, ". . . guest?"

"I'd like to say this, Sue."

"I'm not a-"

But Saphyre's words were cut off by Kalyn's.

"Now then," the squirrelmaid began, in a really fast tone. "Since my reality is the world's (that is, Mossflower's) reality and in my reality you are a Sue, that is also the world's reality and since your reality is part of the world's reality which is my reality which is the world's reality in which you are a Sue and since my reality is the world's reality and your reality is part of it my reality is THE reality because. . . ."

It was right about here that Kalyn lost all attention of the studio.

Kelaiah edged over to Ara and muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "Don't you let her backstage, you hear me?"

"Yeah, right," Ara replied in a dazed voice; she was rather freaked out that anybeast could talk the way that Kalyn was speaking.

Finally Kalyn finished her fast-paced speech and nodded in a satisfied manner.

For a very long moment, there was silence.

Then slowly the entire audience began to clap, not so much because they thought that the squirrelmaid had made her point, but that she had been able to carry on like that for so long with a minimum of pausing for air.

"Hmph!" said Saphyre, frowning and tossing her beautiful head again. "Fine! If that's the way you all feel about my story, then I shall have to change it!"

For the first time, the audience actually cheered for Saphyre. But it didn't last long:

"Bluefen," Saphyre said, turning to the other ferretmaid, who was still hugging her husband's muscles. "You can keep your old Swartt, because I am now going to persue Ferahgo the Assassin!"

And with that, Saphyre "magically" transformed herself into an amazingly beautiful weaselmaid with stunningly sleek and glossy gorgeous fur colored a shockingly rich mix of deep auburn and cream, and wonderfully wide chocolate-brown eyes framed with long dark lashes and sparkling with a sheen of diamonds and turquoises. She now wore an exquisite dress made of emerald-green material embroidered with black and gold leafy vines; the only similarity between this gown and the old one was that it still flattered her svelte, fragile, delicate frame in a most flattering sort of way.

The audience went back to booing her, except for three creatures: Ferahgo, who whimpered and slid down into his seat; Urthstripe, who rocked hard with laughter; and Klitch, who also rocked with laughter, but not as much as Urthstripe, because even though the Sue wasn't after him, she could still be his mother - UGH.

"Eh," said Kelaiah, his eyes widening slightly. "Er, Saphyre, I don't think-"

"Don't call me 'Saphyre' anymore!" the ferret-turned-weasel said. "My new name is Aimo Autumnbreeze!"

"Er . . . yeah . . . um, 'Aimo', I don't think that's the solution to the problem-"

"No, it's not!" agreed Bluefen. "You didn't improve yourself one bit! You just went from one Sue to another!"

"What?! I did not!" cried Sap- er, "Aimo Autumnbreeze". "This time I'm not replacing anyone's love, I am their love! The book never talked about Ferahgo's wife, and Ferahgo is so handsome and good-looking and dashing and charming, plus he has a son, and that means that he had a wife at one point in time, and I'm sure he loved her very much and she was the reason why he was good in the past, but he death turned him to the ways of evil and-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared the audience.

"Aimo," Kelaiah said after the audience stopped booing. "Don't you think it's kinda . . . . well, pointless, giving the warlords these kinds of stories, and trying to make people feel sorry for them? I mean, they're not exactly the type of creatures we should really be shedding tears for."

Aimo blinked slowly. It was obvious she was trying to understand what Kelaiah was trying to get at, but her little tiny brain just couldn't comprehend. Finally she broke down into tears.

"Why does everyone hate me?!" the beautiful weasel femme whined, her humongous chocolate blue-green-flecked orbs filling with tears that would turn lead into gold and heal even a bit from an adder. "Everyone hates me and loves Bluefen! It's not fair!"

"Maybe it's because I'm a realistic character?" Bluefen suggested smugly.

Aimo left off crying and glared at her, her eyes not the least bit red or puffy (she was still a Sue after all).

"Well!" she said. "At least I didn't give birth to a NUTCASE!"

The audience gasped.

There was a moment of silence.

Then Bluefen stood up.

A boxing bell type sound filled the air.

And this time, the badger security did not restrain Bluefen.

The author would like take this chance to pause the fic and compare Bluefen and Aimo's catfight to the one in the music video "Girl Next Door" by Saving Jane (which can be found on YouTube if any of you wish to know what the Bluefen/Aimo catfight would look like).

Bluefen would be the "Prom Queen" while Aimo would be the "Girl Next Door", only in this fic, we're rooting for the "Prom Queen" (because she's Bluefen, duh!), and the part where the "Girl Next Door" flies into the air like Wonderwoman, that's what Aimo does, only once she's floating in midair, something happens to her that happens in this one episode on "The King of Queens", where the main character Doug does "the monkey" in the air, only he suddenly topples over in midair, suspended by a rope.

That's what happens to Aimo - as soon as she's in midair, she topples over and hangs helplessly in midair while Bluefen marches back over to her saying, "So, yah want some more, eh?!"

"Help! Ferahgo, darling!" Aimo cried, her long, slender, willowly limbs flailing helplessly as Bluefen pummeled her into the ground.

The assassin weasel stood up in the cheering audience and roared at the top of his lungs, "KILL 'ER! KILL 'ER! KILL 'ER KILL 'ER KILL 'ER! KIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL HEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And she did.

After Bluefen had finished killing the Sue, and after the audience had finished cheering (Klitch cheered loud, but not as loud as Ferahgo, whereas Urthstripe was a bit disappointed that the Sue didn't have a chance to torment the Assassin weasels), Veil, who was also sitting in the audience, stood up and said, "So THAT'S where I get it from! Hey, Swartty, unlike you, my Mom can seriously kick some-"

Whereupon Swartt roared with fury, cutting off Veil's last word (and coincidentally keeping the program's G rating), and had to be restrained by the security badgers.

"Well!" said Kelaiah after Swartt had been tied to his chair and gagged. "It seems as though your little Mary Sue problem is over with, Mrs. Sixclaw!"

"Yes, it is," Bluefen replied cooly, wiping her paws with a rag one of the badgers supplied her with.

"Is something wrong?" Kelaiah asked, noticing her non-enthusiam.

"Yes. There is something wrong: I've still got problems with my marriage!" Bluefen complained, glaring at Swartt.

"Mmmrf?!" said Swartt, still gagged, staring at his wife.

"You're not romantic enough!" his wife replied, wrinkling her nose at him.

"Hrmf, mrrmf, mrrf, ggrrff, mmff, mmrrrrrfff!" said Swartt, until finally he glared almostly pleadingly at Kelaiah.

"Eh, would somebeast please ungag Lord Sixclaw?" Kelaiah said with the slightest trace of sarcasim.

"What?!" cried Swartt as soon as one of the badgers (Steve) ungagged him. "I'm VERY romantic! I made you that daisy-chain necklace the other day, didn't I?"

"It was a bracelet!" Veil shouted from the audience. "He was too lazy to do a necklace!"

Swartt glared at his son before turning back to his wife. "Well yeah, but still, I made it, didn't I? That's romantic, isn't it?"

Bluefen stared at her husband for a moment.

Then she said, "Nuuuuuuuuu. It's gay."

The audience erupted.

Something else also erupted: among the audience there was a young skunk wearing a navy tunic with a black belt by the name of Keith. During the entire show, he had been desperately trying to hold in his . . . well, let's call it his 'stink spray', shall we? And well, it had been rather difficult to do that, but he had been capable of keeping it in so far. But. . . .

What Bluefen said was so amusing that he lost control of himself and--

"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked the audience.

"PPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The stink was so overpowering that Kelaiah was forced to evacuate the entire studio.

Isaac the highland hedgehog and Scirus the squirrel had it the worst, though: everybeast had been trying so hard to escape the putrid smell that nobeast bothered to untie them. It was quite awhile before Kelaiah remembered them and sent the badger security back in to retrieve them (the badgers had on gas masks, in case you're wondering).

As for Keith, the poor skunk was mortified, and to top it all off, he had to be escorted out another doorway by a group of gas-mask-wearing badgers.

After the show was over and everybeast went home, Kelaiah sat in the break room with Arawolf the pine marten and Rector the mouse, sipping water from a styrofoam cup.

"Not bad for my first episode, eh?" he asked the other two.

They shrugged. "Could've been better."

"Hey! I'd like to see you try better!"

"Alright, fine then, I will! Hmph!"

"AAARRGGGH!" Kelaiah tackled the other two beasts and they got into a huge fight. Why? Because that is what they do best. :D

The End

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this fic! Special thanks to all those who helped me write this stupid fic! THANKS YOU GUYS!

Oh yes, and it was warrior4's idea to use the boxing bell type sound before a huge catfight ensued (en-SUE-d, eh? Haha, to quote LittlePsychoWolf: "I make pun.")

One more thing: what was your favorite part/line/event? Just curious.

Personally my favorite part was where Bluefen called Swartt 'gay' LOL.