A/N: Hehe. Hehehehehe. Oh Kami, somebody slap me. Here, have some more Crack (I decided it should be CaPitALiZeD, hehe.) Right, so… Renji's list, then (OMG! OMG!) Byakuya's. Hehe.

Two Short Lists and a Very Large Emotional Scar

Renji sat at a small cluttered desk in a small cluttered room next to a large fancy room containing a large fancy desk behind which sat a medium-sized fancy captain, just before 5 p.m. at the 6th division headquarters. Said captain did not believe in leaving early. Said Renji did not believe in doing paperwork until the tick of five, so he pulled out something he did believe in: the ultimate procrastination tool, a weathered and dog-eared composition book.

Its appearance was really too somber for its purpose, which was to waste time. However, anything flashier could not be hidden from the discerning eye of Captain Kuchiki. In any case, it did the job. He licked his thumb, opened the book to the last folded-over page, and stifled a snicker.

"Best Ways to Start a Fight with Ichigo"

He wondered, sometimes, if he obsessed a little too much over his human rival. Oh, well…

"Make fun of his zanpakuto (can backfire)

"Make fun of his Japanese (according to Ikkaku, this works very well)

"Bug him at school (also can backfire, though sometimes in a sexy way. I did not just think that.)

"Imply he has crush on Rukia (don't try if Rukia's around. Ouch.)

"Put hot sauce in his –"

"Renji."

"GAAH!" He slapped the book closed, although it was probably too late. He had been so effectively distracted that he had not noticed the medium-sized, fancy shadow falling over his shoulder.

"T-t-t-taichou!" he spluttered, jumping to his feet and knocking over his chair. The captain stepped neatly aside to avoid it.

"There's no need to act so guilty. I was merely coming in to inform you that you could go. Although," Byakuya paused pointedly, "it doesn't appear that you've earned it today."

"I'm truly sorry, sir," the flustered lieutenant rushed. "It won't h—"

"Renji."

"Yes, sir?"

Byakuya smiled inwardly. He had an idea. He took a step forward.

"Taichou??"

Renji spent the night with Kira and Shuuhei at Matsumoto's, making every effort to forget the events of that day. He didn't care if it took every drop of sake Rangiku had.

In a hidden compartment in a small drawer in a large fancy desk in a large fancy room in the 6th division headquarters, lay a black leather-bound diary. On the twelfth page of that diary was a list. Months of devious ideas from the mind of Captain Kuchiki were neatly scripted on that page, including the two most recent additions, placed there at fifteen past five that afternoon.

"Most Effective Methods of Scaring Renji Witless (not necessarily in progressive order)

"Use bankai (not often feasible, but ALWAYS entertaining)

"Ask to see his tattoos. All of them. (Tremendously unwise, also somewhat overt for my taste)

"Look over his shoulder while he is working (or more likely, pretending to work)

"Practice binding spells on him while he sleeps (Rukia recommends this, although I find it rather dull; Renji is by far the soundest sleeper I have ever encountered.)

"Note: I have achieved the most astounding results yet from these next two options, when coupled. The latter proved especially amusing:

"After discovering him being off-task, stand at a comfortable distance from him and stare him down. Every time he blinks, take one step closer (invariably, the closer I get, the more nervous he becomes; the more nervous he becomes, the more often he blinks – priceless, really)

"Lick him."

-e-n-d-c-h-a-p-t-e-r-2-

A/N: Am I evil? Why, yes! I love the idea of Byakuya being secretly obsessed with Renji. Oh yes! Err… references. "Bug him at school" comment comes from episode 67 (being tackled and straddled in hallway referred to as sexy-type backfire); idea for Byakuya's obsession with tattoos stems from a cute ficlet I read a while ago that made me laugh (don't recall the author, sorry.) And—oh yeah! Still taking "list" requests, if you have an idea…