A short songfic about Nikolas. It's slightly A/U; he doesn't see Emily, but still feels like he caused her harm. He's still having the anger issues, but he's going to have the surgery, this is a day or so before, and him dealing with missing Emily and etc.

Nikolas Cassadine was exhausted. He knew Robin would be mad that he was not getting the rest she kept insisting on, but he seriously couldn't sleep. He longed for his true love; but she was gone.

I am thinking of you
in my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
than my heart just won't let me be right
Cause I'm drowned in you and I won't pull though without you by my side.

He felt the tears slide down his face as he thought about all the times they had shared together. He thought about how he had pushed her away and yet she had always come back. She was going to be his princess. But someone took it away. He hoped that once he had this surgery, his memories about that night would be clearer. Maybe he would see her attacker. Maybe then, with some closure, he could start the process of moving on.

I'd give my all to have
just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for you love tonight

He imagined what it would have been like if she had lived. They were going to be married again, and she would adopt Spencer. And hopefully, they would have children of their own. God, how he loved her. Nikolas was supposed to be this stoic man who didn't show the effects his emotions had on him; but he just couldn't do it. He thought that Emily would always be there. Even when they weren't together, when he was with Courtney, he knew that if he had truly needed her, she would have came to him. After all, she had been the one who had helped him deal with Courtney's death and raising Spencer. But now? He had nobody.

Baby can you feel me
imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly, vividly
Emblazoned in my mind
and I felt so far, like a distant star I'm wishing on tonight

He almost smiled when he pictured her and Spencer together. She loved him like he was her own child. She was a blessing to both Nikolas and Spencer. But she was gone. He longed for her all the time, but it was worse at night. He missed having her next to him in bed, or them trying to decide who would get up with Spencer in the middle of the night, only to have both of them do it. He missed making love to her, and simply holding her until they both fell asleep.

I'd give my all to have
just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel your
body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight.

He could almost feel her with him sometimes at Wyndamere. The castle wasn't the same without her. It felt…emptier than it had in years. She had been the light in his life. Now, he felt as if the darkness would consume him totally, if it weren't for Spencer there to keep him hanging on. He longed for one last time with her. He wished he had made sure she was safe at that disaster of a Black and White Ball. He almost hated himself for letting her talk him into it. If only he had refused, she might be here with him.

I'd give my all to have
just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
to feel your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for you love tonight

Nikolas stood looking out the windows of his hospital room. He imagined what it would be like if Emily were still here; he knew she would be with him, calming his nerves before his surgery tomorrow. She would be there to encourage his fight against this tumor. He cried more, as the silent tears streaked down his handsome face. Leaning his head against the window, he whispered, "I will love you until I die. No matter whether I love again or not, you will always be the first and remain in my heart. I don't know how I can stand to fight this; I wish you were here with me. I love you. Emily, if somehow you can hear me, I love you, and I miss you with my entire being. And I will forever…"

Oh, I'd give my all for your love tonight