In the early hours of the morning, Derek found himself inexplicably awake. He lay still for several minutes, listening to the gentle breathing coming from the woman wrapped tightly in his arms, and revelled in the feeling of the barely noticeable expansion within his arms with every breath she took. He smiled at the familiar smell of lavender, his nose buried deeply into her hair. Derek felt more rested that he had felt for two weeks. The simple act of sleeping with her back in his arms had done wonders. He shifted, tightening his arms as he pulled in closer, his right leg stretching between hers to optimize contact; every additional square inch of skin touching, the better. He just wanted to feel her right now, to know she was still here. Even in her unconscious state, she shifted to accommodate him. Her breathing changed for several cycles, and he was afraid she was going to wake up, but she relaxed once again, her breaths evening out.
Derek took a deep breath and smiled as he settled his forehead against the back of her head, happy to just hold her as she slept. He would never get tired of doing so. He liked to think that it proved that she trusted him, that she would stay asleep in his arms, even as he shifted. And she looked so peaceful when she slept. It broke his heart that he couldn't remember ever seeing her so relaxed, so vulnerable, while she was awake. But he was determined that one day, she would trust him like this while she was awake. He would make it happen, would prove his love and devotion, no matter how long it took. If she would let him, he would do anything for her. He would fix everything he had broken, and he would prove she could trust him awake as much as she obviously did while she slept.
He simply couldn't believe how much he loved her. It hit him on a different level than anything with Addison ever had. Not that his marriage had been false; they had loved each other, and it had worked for quite a few years before the start of a gradual decline that dropped off the moment Addison had slept with Mark. With Meredith, however, Derek actually, physically ached for her. When she hurt, he hurt. When she was sad, he was sad. When she smiled, he smiled. It was as if he had been conditioned to feel whatever she was feeling. With Addison, he had comforted her when she was upset, but he hadn't actually known what it was like to feel someone else's pain until now; until Meredith.
Derek closed his eyes, breathing her in as she lay there, unaware, trusting. He wanted to remember what this felt like, just in case. He wasn't one to be sentimental, but this was definitely a moment he wanted to remember; not that he didn't want to remember every moment spent with her, he just felt it with this moment in particular. He just loved her so much.
His mind was slowly growing foggy again, after spending weeks without sleeping for more than a minimal number of hours, it was pushing for more sleep now. And the thought of falling back into near oblivion brought a smile to his lips. To simply let the world fall away, the only thing keeping him grounded being the woman in his arms. He sighed happily, allowing himself to drift back down into sleep.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
Derek groaned, his foggy mind instantly clearing at the realization of the annoying noise. He groaned and immediately chastised himself for forgetting to turn off the alarm the night before. And the horrible beeping sound made it so much worse. They usually set the alarm to music, as Meredith had mentioned she much preferred it as a way to wake up. It was far less jolting. But, when she had been gone, he had switched it back to the buzzer, to ensure he got up in the morning. Not sleeping well didn't go well with getting up early, and being jolted awake was the only way he could ensure he would wake at the appropriate time.
At least neither of them had to be in today. The interns were given the day off to recover from their first shift, which meant their residents were off as well. With the interns being required to work so many hours, there was no reason their residents should be working when they weren't, especially in the first few weeks and months as they were still learning the basic rules. And Derek, having been in every day for almost three weeks, purposely scheduled himself the day off, knowing she would have it off.
He quickly pulled away from Meredith, reaching towards the alarm clock on the table beside him to turn off the noise before she woke up. But it was too late. A groggy Meredith rolled towards him, blinking sleepily.
"What timesit?" She mumbled, pulling close to him, burrowing her head into his chest.
"Early," he answered, wrapping his left arm over her shoulders. She responded by shifting upwards to lay her cheek on his shoulder, her left arm sprawling across his chest. He smiled and closed his arm over her, pulling the covers up to keep her warm. "I forgot to turn off the alarm," he whispered. "Go back to sleep," he commanded gently, placing a kiss on her forehead.
Meredith sighed against his neck, the gentle puff of warm air making him shiver slightly. "Okay," she muttered happily.
He smiled as her breathing began to even out once again, as he gently rubbed his hand up and down her back, putting his own mind at ease she responded to his touch and her body slackened. Meredith's breathing was just returning to the deep, sleep indicating breaths from before, when she tensed.
"What?" He asked quietly, his head tilted to the side, speaking into her hair.
She sighed against him, raising her head off its perch on his shoulder. "Great," she muttered. "Now I have to pee."
He snorted as she rolled over him, heading into the bathroom. After a minute he heard the toilet flush and then the sink running for a length of time. When she returned to bed she rolled back over him, quickly resuming her position on his chest, he could smell mint. He smiled.
She was laying close, her head resting comfortably on his shoulder, though not pressed into his neck like before, and her legs were quickly entangled with his as she drew shapes along his chest with her left hand. After a few moments, he claimed the roaming hand with his own and they lay quietly together.
"Morning," he finally broke the silence. Obviously they weren't getting back to sleep.
"Morning," she answered with a happy sigh, squeezing his hand. "This is stupid," she grumbled.
"What?"
"It's like six in the morning and we both have the day off."
He smiled and shrugged awkwardly from his position. "But we've been sleeping since nine last night."
"True," she stated, stretching her limbs out around him. "At least it's nice to be up in the morning. It's quiet." She said, turning her body slightly so that she could prop her chin up on his chest and look him in the eye. She had a point. No one was working this morning, so her roommates were taking advantage of the free time to catch up on sleep. There was no banging in the kitchen below them, no footsteps outside their door, no muffled sounds of Alex and Izzy once again fighting over the bathroom. It was simply quiet.
Derek smirked. "We could make it not-so-quiet." He raised an eyebrow. He was rewarded with the sound of her laughter as she rolled her eyes at him.
"How is it guys can make anything dirty?"
He shrugged again. "It's a gift."
She kept laughing, laying her head back down on his shoulder. "Why do I put up with you," she muttered sarcastically.
Derek froze. He knew it was supposed to be a joke, and he wanted to be able to simply laugh it off, mutter something in his defence and move on to a new subject; but he couldn't prevent the way his heart tightened with her words, the way his throat went dry and his chest felt like it had dropped out of his body. He couldn't help but feel like he was living with her on borrowed time. He rubbed his hand up and down her back, trying to act normal as he raced for an appropriate response, but it was too late. She had noticed his reaction, and was turning once more to be able to look up at him.
One look into her eyes and he knew there was no way he could talk himself out of this one. There was no way she would let their talk go any longer. She looked concerned, and worried, and yet determined. It was now or never.
"Derek..." She said softly, and it was she needed to say, all he needed to hear.
He nodded in response, indicating he understood. They needed to talk. They would talk.
She lifted her small body completely off him, shifting into a sitting position while he sat propped up against the headboard. She crossed her legs and moved to sit as close as she could, echoing their position from only two weeks prior. She reached for his hands and squeezed them, motioning for him to begin. And she still had a horribly concerned expression masking her features,which had been serene and relaxed such a short time before.
But he remained silent, having no idea where to begin; what to say first. He needed to say so much. He needed to apologize so much. And most importantly, he needed to convince her to stay with him once he got everything out. He needed to convince her he was going to change. And he had no idea how to do that, only that if he failed, he lost everything.
"Derek?" She questioned him after he had been silent for some time.
He met her eyes. "I don't even know where to start."
She tilted her head, her eyes conveying her worry. "How about the beginning?" She supplied.
He almost laughed. "I don't even know where the beginning is..." He sighed, looking at her again and he shook his head at just how lucky he was to have her in his life, just how amazing she really was. She was his beginning.
"You really are amazing, you know?" He whispered.
She straightened her head. "What? That's not..."
He smiled. "You're amazing," he repeated. "An amazing person. An amazing surgeon. You're going to do great things, I just know it."
"Derek-" She tried to cut in, but he shook his head.
"You're going to help so many people." He spoke almost proudly, before shaking his head. "And I almost took that away."
"What? No. Derek, you didn't take anything away."
"You had such a horrible year, and when I think back to before the test, to how upset you were. Meredith, I just knew that if you didn't pass the test, if you convinced yourself you were going to fail... If you hadn't passed, you wouldn't have gone back."
Meredith paused; her grey-green iris's shifting back and forth slightly as she obviously tried to bring forth memories of that painful day. "Maybe you're right, Derek," she finally conceded. "If I had failed, I probably wouldn't have gone back." She admitted. "I wouldn't have been able to do it again."
"You would have given up on a career you are so perfectly suited to." It wasn't a question, just a statement; no blame, no judgment, just a statement. He hadn't needed her to confirm anything. He had already known.
"But I didn't fail," she said. "I didn't fail because of you. The fact that you had faith in me, Derek... It made me have faith in myself. You knew to stop the fake studying, and you knew exactly what I needed to hear. You got me into the mindset I needed, and it worked. I passed..." She trailed off, obviously not knowing what the problem was.
He sighed. "I shouldn't had to have talked you up, Meredith. You shouldn't have needed that."
She scrunched her face, obviously trying to understand. She knew not to be hurt by his words, he wasn't blaming her for not being strong enough. But why did he seem to be blaming himself? "Susan had just died. Thatcher yelled. I shut down. Derek, that had nothing to do with you."
"I still pushed you to get close to them."
She rolled her eyes. "Are we seriously going back to this? Derek, just because you supported me trying to get to know them doesn't make any of this your fault."
He closed his eyes for several seconds. "If it was a one time thing, maybe..." He opened his eyes, conveying his grief and frustration to her as he met her gaze. He sighed sadly. "Meredith, I have made decision after decision that has involved you, that has hurt you."
"That's not true..." There were tears forming in her eyes.
"But it is true," he stated, dejected. "How many times have I hurt you this year?"
"Derek..." She begged.
"How many times have I lied to you?"
She remained silent, tears streaming down her cheeks, still gripping his hands tightly.
"Maybe she was right..." he finally whispered.
"Who?" Meredith asked quietly. She looked completely lost, like the conversation, and the world, was passing her by. Try as she may, she just couldn't catch up with his thoughts.
He ignored her question. "Maybe I am just this horrible thing that happened to you. I've certainly caused plenty of damage." He spoke heatedly. "I'm the reason you almost failed. I 'm the reason you were unfocused."
It was the last term he used that made her realize of just whom he had been speaking. "No." She said sternly. "No, absolutely not. Don't even go there." They had never discussed what Ellis Grey's words to him had been on that fateful day barely a month prior, but now she was sure she knew exactly what had been exchanged.
He looked up at her tone. "Meredith-"
But she was shaking her head. "Don't go there," she repeated. "Derek, my mother has ruined every relationship I've ever had, or tried to have. If anyone has damaged me, it was her, not you."
"But I did," he said, and his painful tone quieted her. "I damaged you. I hurt you. And not just once." The tears welling in his eyes began to spill over, one at a time drifting slowly down his cheeks. "I hurt you again and again."
"That's not true-"
"It is true!" He exclaimed, leaping off the bed, unable to sit so close to her, unable to accept her support when he knew he didn't deserve it. "It is true." He repeated as he began to pace back and forth along the side of the bed, leaving Meredith sitting alone, staring at him. She had turned to face him, but hadn't said anything.
"How many times did I stand there and smile when you asked about my life? Huh? How many times did you ask for details? And I took you out to the trailer, and I told you things about my life, and you looked so happy to be there with me... and I just couldn't tell you about Addison. So, I asked you take it on faith. And you did. You trusted me. And I was lying right to your face the whole time. I can't even figure out how I justified it to myself."
"Derek..." She began, but her voice trailed off. He knew she had nothing to say. He had no excuse, and it was worthless for her to stand up for him.
"You trusted me right up until the point where my wife walked up to us and introduced herself. After months, Meredith. Months." He shook his head as if he couldn't believe he had let it go so far. As if he was just now realizing how stupid he had been. "And how many times did I tell you I was getting the divorce? And you put yourself out there. You put everything on the line. You asked me to pick you. You told me that you loved me. And I betrayed that..." He trailed off before looking her right in the eye for several moments, contemplating. "You've never done the relationship thing before?"
She shook her head, unsure of where he was going, but her eyes gave away her wariness. She knew he was well aware of her relationship inadequacies and inexperience.
"And you'd never said that before, had you?" His voice cracked as his breathing shuddered. He already knew the answer. Had just suddenly known it one day. Had suddenly, out of the blue, realized just how badly he had screwed up. No one waits that long to say it when they don't mean it. And no one should finally say it, to not have it reciprocated. And other things had suddenly made sense. George hadn't been too weak, he had told Meredith how he felt.
She met his eyes for several seconds before gently shaking her head. "No," she whispered, looking away.
His jaw tightened. He had known, but having her clarify it was harder than he expected. Because now she knew that he knew. Why hadn't he just said it back? He had certainly felt it. Instead, he had left her, destroying what should have been a magical moment of their first I love yous. Her first I love you ever. He had destroyed it. He had pulled the beating heart out of the chest, dropped it on the floor and stomped on it, turning his heel as he mashed it into the ground in a final effort to avoid it ever becoming whole again.
"And I went back to her." He forced himself to continue. "I moved her out here to Seattle. Don't think I don't know how much slack you took from the rest of the hospital, even if I ignored it at the time. And even though I was in love with you, I made a go with Addison, even though I had no reason to, even though I didn't really want to. Hell, I even told her I had fallen in love with you. But I never told you."
Her eyes jumped back up in surprise. "You told Addison..?"
He sighed and stopped pacing. "I told her at Christmas." He shook his head. "I knew I had made the wrong decision, but I let it happen anyway. I strung you along for months. I was selfish, completely caught up in my own problems. You almost died, and I still didn't do anything. I couldn't stand being away from you, so I forced you into a friendship you didn't want. I was jealous of you trying to move on, trying to be happy. I called you a..." He couldn't even say the word.
Derek felt utterly defeated. The talk was very much not going the way he had hoped. Everything he had been repeating over and over in his mind over the past weeks sounded so much worse out loud. He sighed, dropping his eyes towards the floor. "Have you ever woken up one day and realized you just aren't the person you thought you were?" He asked, but they both knew it was a rhetorical question. "I'm a surgeon. A good surgeon. And I know that. I laugh at the pompous, arrogant, self-involved stereotype, and even play it up, but I never realized I actually fit it."
"No, you don't."
He nodded, collapsing back onto the bed beside her, pulling one leg up to rest his hands on, leaving the other dangling over the edge, his foot resting on the floor. "Yeah, I do. I was so focussed on myself, that I didn't even see you. Not really. But now it all makes sense. You were dealing with so much, and I should have been there with you. I could have been there when you met your dad, or when you found out about Susan and Molly. I should have been there the whole time. And if I wasn't such an ass, I would have been."
"Derek, nothing would have stopped Susan from dying. Nothing would have prevented the crap that came with Thatcher this year. From the first time I looked him up and showed up on his front porch... it was like an avalanche. Out of control. Nothing could have stopped it."
"But I still could have been there for you. Then you wouldn't have..."
"Slept with George?" She supplied.
He sighed and leapt up again, unable to sit still and have this discussion. "It's not just George. I get it. The whole thing. Everything you did last year makes so much sense now. The guys at the bar?"
She cringed, but stayed silent.
"You were looking for something." He spoke. "And it worked once."
She looked up and met his eyes and he knew he had assumed right. She had found love at Joe's once, why not again?
"It was my fault, and I still called you a whore. You are not a whore." He spoke very clearly, meeting her eyes head on.
She nodded, a fresh batch of tears readying in her eyes.
"Everything makes sense," he repeated. "I chased you, and I left Addison, and I asked you to pick me. And you did, but I wasn't ready. And I made you wait. And then I wondered why you didn't trust me?" He scoffed at himself and began pacing. "I knew you were new to the relationship thing, you kept telling me you were. But I just expected you to know things. I expected you to talk, even though you had absolutely no reason to trust me. And then I-"
"Then you what?" She asked quietly.
"I failed you. I got distracted by the chief thing. And I was tired, and you told me what your mother said to you. You were open, and you told me, but I didn't tell you. I never told you what she said to me, why I treated you like I did. And you... I almost lost you. I failed you. And I failed your mother. I couldn't save either one of you. And I swore to myself that I would never let anything like that happen again, but then I smothered you. And you started to pull away because of it, and I wasn't there for you."
"You were..."
He shook his head. "Meredith, I made love to you, and then drove you from my bed without going after you. I didn't show up. I promised I would always, but I didn't show up. That's not forgivable." He cringed; remembering the night, where he had simply lain there, staring up at the raindrops hitting the sky light above him while she rushed to pull on her clothes, and sprinted from the trailer. He had heard the door shut behind her and then her car door, but the delay between her getting in her car and actually starting it and driving away had been long. Very long. She had given him a chance to chase her, a chance to show up. And it killed him to realize she had probably sat there for ages, crying until she gave up hope and drove home feeling completely rejected.
"I told you I wouldn't breathe for you anymore, so you went to your friends, because they had always been there. And then I got jealous that you weren't coming to me."
Meredith sat on the bed, legs bent up in front of her with her arms wrapped tightly around them. Tears were now freely streaming down her face, and she remained silent. There wasn't any reason to argue. He had figured it out. She hadn't been giving up on their relationship; she had been struggling to figure out what he wanted from her. And she had done everything she though he had asked of her.
"I drove you away time and time again. Looking back, I can't even believe what I did."
She rested her chin on her knee, silent, staring at him as he stopped pacing and stood in front of her, arms wrapped over his torso, protective. "So, yes, Meredith. I made this year a living hell for you. I almost got in the way of you becoming the surgeon you deserve to be. If I had never come to Seattle, your life would have been so much better. No one would have compromised your position, you wouldn't have been the subject of hospital gossip for months, you wouldn't had to have dealt with heartbreak after heartbreak..." He trailed off.
"Derek, so much happened that had nothing to do with you..." She finally spoke again.
"You would have met a family you hadn't known about before," he conceded. "Assuming Molly would have been transferred to Grace without Addison working there, of course, which was my fault again. You would have dealt with it however you wanted. And Susan still would have died." He admitted. "But no one would have pushed you. You still would have held a bomb in your hands. Your mother would still have been lucid and you still would have been pushed off the pier, but you wouldn't have had any reason to give up."
Meredith shook her head at his last point and she spoke again, her voice low, whispering, but not weak. "No, no that's not right. Derek, without you, I..." She trailed off, meeting his eyes, suddenly looking very determined, very sure. "Without you, I wouldn't have had any reason to fight back."
Derek disagreed, quickly resuming his pacing. "I'm the reason you gave up."
"No!" She exclaimed jumping if the bed. "No." She repeated as she approached him quickly, grabbing his arms in her small hands and forcing him to stand still and listen to her. "Derek. You aren't the reason I gave up. She's the reason I gave up. You-" Her voice cracked.
"I made you give up." He tried to pull away from her grasp, but she held on tight.
"No." Her voice was rising. "You are the reason I came back!" She yelled at him, suddenly not caring how early it was, or how much of her conversation was reaching her roommates prying ears. "My mother was lucid and she said horrible things. And she got to me, and to you. And I saw my whole life how she saw it. A big, fucking disappointment! I let her get to me. I believed her, that everything I had done so far in life was wasted, because I was still ordinary.
"Derek, do you have any idea what I said to her to piss her off so much? She asked what my life was like, and I actually thought she cared to know. So I told her about you! I told her how happy I was with you. I told her how great it was to be with someone I really loved. I told her I felt like I knew who I was now. Because being with you makes me happy, no matter the crappy stuff! And she called me ordinary, because less than a year into my residency I hadn't chosen a god damned specialty!" She stopped for several seconds, breathing hard before continuing in a lower voice. "That's why I gave up, Derek. That's why for one second, for one stupid, fucking short second, I wondered if she was right. I wondered if I really was just ordinary, if everything that I felt for you and all I had accomplished in life was worthless, if I should just give up trying to be more. And then it was too late. Then it was over." She swallowed hard before continuing. "You gave me a reason to come back, Derek."
She released his arms, pulling away quickly to retreat to her previous spot on the bed. She curled up her legs again, her arms wrapped protectively around them, tears falling freely down her face, as she shook with left over emotion.
Derek stood stock still, watching her carefully, almost as if he was dissociating with his body. He felt unable to move or speak. They had never discussed the accident past his accusations that night in the trailer. He had blamed her, and he had blamed himself, but he had never thought of it how she was now putting it. He had no idea that her mother, in one short argument, in one small, insignificant period of time, had the ability to make her daughter doubt everything about her life, including herself.
"You didn't fail me, Derek, or my mother. She wanted to die. There's no way you could have saved her. But you did save me. I wanted to live, and you saved me. You pulled me back." She shook her head. "I don't know what you're looking for here, Derek. Yes, the last year sucked in a lot of ways. And yes, you hurt me. But you are not that person, Derek. You aren't the person you're convincing yourself you are.
"Your wife cheated on you with your best friend. That entitles you to have some issues too. You hid things from me because you were scared. And you went back to her because you felt obligated. It sucked, Derek. And it hurt, but I get it. You didn't ever do anything to purposely hurt me. And you walked away before I picked you, so that's not all your fault. We took some time and started over. And it wasn't perfect, and maybe it was a bit rushed, but it was good for a while. Then crappy things kept happening, and we didn't talk, but we figured it out." She was still shaking as she finished. "We figured it out." She repeated. "We staring talking, and we were getting back on track. I thought we were getting back on track."
Derek took a deep, shuddering breath, and unable to watch her shake in front of him anymore, approached the bed. He sat down as far back as he could beside her and placed a hand on her quivering back. She shuddered and leaned in to him, resting her head on his shoulder, but didn't remove her arms from around her knees. Eventually she stopped shaking under his hand.
"What if I am that person?" He finally asked in a whisper.
She raised her head, meeting his eyes from only inches away. She shook her head. "You aren't." She stated simply.
He sighed. "I feel like a horrible person, like I've been lucky to get away with it so far, but any day now, you're going to wake up and realize who I am... And then I'm going to lose you forever." His voice cracked.
He watched Meredith's beautiful grey eyes fill with tears as she watched him helplessly.
"You have given me so many chances. I just feel like this is the last one and I've destroyed it." He admitted, unable to meet her expressive eyes anymore. He felt broken inside. Absolutely broken, unable to mend the picture he had had of himself into anything worth caring about. He hadn't even realized how much he had screwed up until he had admitted it all. He hadn't realized how pathetic he had become. Where had he gone wrong in life to end up this person? He didn't deserve her, he didn't deserve another chance.
But then there was movement beside him and her arms were around him, pulling him into her warm body while he cried. He welcomed the contact, gripping at her arms as she pulled him down and rocked him gently, whispering soothing noises. And he cried. He cried for his mistakes, he cried for hurting her, he cried for almost losing her forever. He cried for the person he had set out to be in life, for person, the sense of self he had lost along the way. He cried. And she held him.
Even after the tears had stopped, after she had stopped whispering phrases to calm him down, Derek stayed where he was for several minutes, still gripping tightly to her arms. And she made no move to pull away.
When he was finally ready, he let go of her arms and sat up, looking away as he brushed his hands against his face, suddenly embarrassed.
But Meredith wouldn't have it. She reached out and hooked her fingers under his jaw, turning his head back to look at her, using her other hand to wipe his tears. It was the first time that he noticed she was crying to.
"We make quite a pair, don't we?" She finally asked lightly, through her own snuffles.
He smiled, but didn't speak, still unable to.
She sighed, staring into his eyes. "Derek, I really haven't done this before, and I don't know what the protocol is supposed to be here, but I also know that I didn't know how to do any of this a year ago. You've taught me how to be in a relationship. Derek, you taught me how to love someone, how to be loved. And I do love you, Derek. I love you so much. So much. We still have a ton to work out, I get that. And I still have a lot to learn, especially about what happens when the relationship leaves this point. But I'm positive it will be you to teach me then. I'm not giving up ever again. So, you said that you feel like this is your last shot? Let's make it our last shot. Let's make it the chance that sticks. No giving up, no walking away, no excuses. Let's make it work this time."
He swallowed several times, trying to comprehend that she was still here, offering him a future. "I don't want to hurt you again," he whispered.
She smiled. "But you will, right? We both will. That's part of being in a relationship? We'll both make mistakes, and we'll fight and say things we don't mean, but we'll get through it, and we'll talk about it. It can't all be smiles and roses right? Then there wouldn't be make-up sex?"
He actually allowed a smile at her words, and staring into her eyes, he knew that she really did trust him. She really did believe in him. And she still really did want to be with him.
"Why?" He whispered, unable to comprehend why she was still here voluntarily.
She smiled softly, knowing exactly what he meant by his question. "You are a good person, Derek. I have faith in you. And I have faith in us. When I told you, that when I met you I thought I was done, that I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with? I still mean it. I still feel it. We got sidetracked. That's all. I still want it."
Derek took in her words, and allowed himself to begin to hope that she really was here saying these things. She actually wanted a life with him. "Really?" He asked quietly.
She smiled brightly, removing all remaining doubts he had about her intentions. "Absolutely."
He felt a weight lift off his shoulders at her words. "I love you so much, Meredith, and I promise I'm going to be better. I'm going to make you happy."
"You already do."
He smiled at her, grateful for her encouragement. "I promise you, you aren't going to regret this." He said. "We're going to talk, and we're going to be happy, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life proving you can trust me again."
"I believe you," she whispered, and then her lips were on his, and he was losing himself in the feeling of being in love. And when she pulled him down on top of her, he didn't hesitate. He shifted her body further up on the bed, hovering over her as his lips left her, and began to trail kisses down her jaw line to her neck.
She moaned and buried a hand in his hair, her other hand reaching for the hem of his shirt. His trail of kisses got cut short as she pulled his shirt over his head, and rolled them so she was laying across his body, recapturing his lips in a deep kiss. He fell into the kiss, his hands travelling under her shirt, as he revelled at the feeling of her soft skin under his finger tips. He played them across her back before slowly inching around towards her front.
She tensed at his fingers hit a particularly ticklish spot on her side and she broke the kiss, breathing hard. He smiled at her before sweeping his hands upwards, pulling her shirt off in one easy, practiced move. He tossed the garment away and pulled her back down into the kiss, groaning at the feeling of her skin against his.
He flipped them again, straddling her legs to keep most of his weight off her as his lips continued their assault down her neck and across her chest towards her breasts. His eyes caught sight of the small scalpel hanging around her neck. And he looked up, meeting her eyes. She smiled at him, trusting, loving, and he knew in that moment that he hadn't destroyed everything. He had obviously done something to deserve her love.
"You are so beautiful," he whispered, returning to her lips. He kissed her.
"Derek," was all she said when he pulled away just far enough to stare into her eyes.
"I love you," he spoke, rewarded when she smiled up at him.
"I love you too, Derek." And there was no hesitation in her response. No second thoughts. Then she smirked and the hands that were buried in his hair were pulling him down for another long kiss.
AN: Okay, so this chapter totally, and completely, Kicked. My. Ass. I have revised so many times. And it still doesn't feel good enough. I've been building to this for so freaking long, that I guess nothing would feel like enough, but I just feel like I'm forgetting something that needed to be addressed here, but I've completely lost the ability to be objective. This is why professional writers have editors... Ahhh! Lol. So, I hope this answers some questions. I don't like to summarize my chapters in my AN, but I do want to make it clear that Derek was okay when he felt useful, when he felt he was helping. It was when the pressure was off, when Meredith was doing okay, that he was breaking down. Which is why after the week of hell, and he test and everything, she started to noticed something wrong. I'm not sure that was clear, but it was the way I was trying to write it. And there are some things she needs to tell him, and a few lesser important things that were purposely left out here, but will be in the next chapter, sort of like an aftershock type chapter. Lol. Please tell me if things were clear, or if not why? It's the first chapter I've ever actually been nervous about posting.