The second time Meredith awoke that morning was very different from the first, which was funny, really, because here she was, waking for the second time, in the same morning, and on the outside very little was different. She was still at home, she was still in her room, in her bed, and Derek was still there with her. And she was waking up in his arms again, albeit this time she wasn't wearing any clothes, but that was really just a small detail. The mechanism responsible for waking her was different. Not the alarm this time, but sunlight, streaming in her window, and slowly encroaching on her eyes, letting her know it must be close to noon. So, on the outside, very little was different. The sun woke her, and she was naked.
On the inside, however, everything was different. She hadn't expected Derek's problems to be so deep, so painful, and she suspected that he hadn't either. But, in a way she was appreciative of their talk, because, as hard as it had been on them, they had gotten everything out on the table. They had discussed what needed to be discussed, and had even gone so far as to make plans for the future. Not concrete plans, but plans; expectations. And even though it was still a little scary, the whole thinking about the future and putting yourself out there thing, it was one of the best feelings in the world. Because here they were with plans. Plans that she had played a major role in implementing. Her old self wouldn't believe it.
Meredith Grey had actually had a real, adult conversation. She had talked, and she had listened. She had made suggestions, and had countered claims that weren't true. And most importantly, she had supported her partner when he had needed her. And she hadn't run away, not even metaphorically. Meredith Grey had made it through an adult conversation, and she was okay, and her partner was okay. And now they had a future to plan for. This really wasn't one of the best feelings in the world; it was the best feeling in the world.
The relatively shallow breathing against the back of her neck told her Derek was already awake. She smiled and turned in his arms, coming face to face with him.
"Morning again," she whispered, pressing her lips against his.
"Morning again," he responded with a smile, reaching for her hand and threading his fingers through hers. He looked happier than she could remember seeing in a long time. His eyes were free of the pain she had become accustomed to over the past weeks, and the sparkle had returned in full.
"This is a much better way to wake up," she said, pressing her naked body into his.
He smirked. "It is a much better way to wake up. We should wake up like this every morning."
She laughed. "We should."
He smiled and they spent several moments just happily staring at each other.
"You good?" Meredith finally asked.
He nodded against his pillow with a smile. "Yeah, I'm great." He hesitated before continuing. "Thank-you, Meredith."
"There's nothing to thank me for, Derek. I love you and I want..." But he was shaking his head so she trailed off.
"No, I didn't mean for staying with me, although I gotta say I'm loving that," he said with a smile. "I meant for letting me get everything off my chest. I feel kind of stupid now. I know I overreacted, but at the time... Mer, I just felt like I was..." he trailed off, unable to come up with the right words.
"Drowning?" She supplied.
He didn't flinch, but he did stare at her for several seconds before responding. "Yeah, but you saved me, again."
She smiled at his words. "So, we're doing the talking thing?"
He nodded.
"And the sharing thing?"
Again, he nodded.
"And the openness thing?"
He nodded again, although he sent her a questioning look, having realized she was heading somewhere with this.
"Then I still have some things to explain, or really one particular thing."
"Okay," he said evenly, although she could feel him tense against her.
"Don't worry," she told him. "It's not a new thing, more of an explanation of something I've already told you." She hadn't told him before because she had been scared, scared at what had happened to her, and scared about what it had meant. But now, they had talked, and things were good, and open, and he deserved to know. And it was going to be okay. Even though she was naked, and should be feeling vulnerable sharing these kinds of memories, there was something comforting about their equal state of undress, coupled with the events of that morning, that made Meredith feel like they were in some sort of protective bubble. She could tell him what had happened.
He nodded and propped himself up a bit higher, leaning his head against the headboard, his shoulders on the pillow. And he opened his arm to her. She smiled and wedged herself up against him, pulling his arm closed around her, and gripping tightly to his hand as she did so. Even if she felt able to tell him, it didn't mean it wouldn't be hard for her do actually do so. She still needed his support.
He took an exaggerated breath. "Okay, go." He joked, obviously trying to lighten the mood.
She laughed, grateful for the moment. She laid her head against his shoulder and sighed. "Derek, when I said I came back for you, I meant it...literally." She paused, and waited to see if he would respond, but he remained silent. So she continued.
"And, trust me, I know the science, Derek. I know that neurotransmitters do weird and wonderful things when people die, and ketamine ends up increases dopamine and everything. I know that, I do. And I accept that what happened to me may well have simply been a trick of the brain, but whether it was real or not, I had a real death... whatever. And I've thought about it, a lot, and I realized that whether or not it actually happened, it still happened, you know?" She barely paused after her question, not even giving him a chance to respond. "I still had to admit things to myself, and I still made the decision to come back." She pulled her head off his shoulder and craned her neck to look at his face. She needed to know what he was thinking. He stared right back at her, evenly meeting her gaze. He didn't look alarmed, merely thoughtful, wondering. "I made a concerted decision to fight, Derek. I chose to come back. I chose to live. And you were the main thing I was fighting for." She turned her head back and resumed resting is against his shoulder. "I need you to know that. Whether I was fighting with the afterlife, or just my own brain chemistry, or whatever in-between, I chose to be here. To keep living. To come back to you."
He tightened his grip around her, and remained silent for several seconds, silent and contemplative. Finally he pressed his lips against the top of her head. "Was it real to you?" He asked softly.
She nodded against him.
"Then that's all that matters."
She smiled at his words, at the support inherent in his words. He breathed and rested his cheek along the top of her head.
"You want to tell me about it?" And there was no pressure, no hurry.
She took a deep breath. "One second I was in the water. And I... stopped swimming," she said, using his term for it. "I fought for a long time, but then I stopped, for just a second, and I went under. Just like that. I didn't even have time to start swimming again. One second I was going under, and the next I woke in the hospital, in a trauma room. But it was almost empty, almost no equipment. Only people."
"Who?"
"Denny," she told him. "Denny and Dylan."
"Dylan?" He questioned, though there was familiarity to his tone, like he knew the name, but couldn't place it.
"From the bomb squad."
"Right," and his body tightened more, as if he still wanted to protect her from the events of that horrible day.
"So, basically they told me I was dead. And I told them it was the ketamine-neurotransmitter thing. And we argued, and they argued," she added with a small smile. "Oh, and then I told them that, no offence, but if I was really dead, the first person I would want to see would be Doc. And then he jumped up on the gurney with me."
"You saw Doc?" Derek asked.
She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Yeah. He stayed with me a lot. And my mom's old scrub nurse Liz was there, and... Bonnie was there too." She could tell by his reaction that he remembered Bonnie. "So, we were in the hospital, but it was empty except for us. And they kept trying to get me to talk about what happened, but I didn't want to. And Bonnie had this thing where she kept bleeding and she's pass out and then she'd just disappear. It was like she was stuck there, and Denny too. But Liz and Dylan could leave. Like they had, I don't know, no unfinished business or something. Dylan actually told me that he... he..."
"He what?" Derek asked softly, prompting her to continue.
"He told me that he was okay with what happened. He said that he completed his task, that he saved me." She felt the tears welling in her eyes. Not long after they had gotten back together, a late night movie involving a bomb had spike feelings about the incident at the hospital, and they had discussed everything that had happened that day.
She took a breath and continued. "So, they would go, and Bonnie would disappear after she did her little bleeding thing. So, most of the time it was just me and Denny, and Doc. And it was weird, like time didn't really exist. We'd be talking, and then everyone would be gone, or I'd be someplace else. And Denny kept trying to get me to talk, but I wouldn't. But then he lectured me. He told me I couldn't stay, because Izzy lost him, and George's dad died, and Cristina watched her dad die when she was nine. And then he said that it was a miracle that you exist, that you believe in true love and soul mates-" Her voice cracked and she took a moment to collect herself, not even trying to stop the tears that trained down her face. "And he said that you were waiting for me, and if I didn't go back, it would change you."
He breathed deep behind her, and she didn't have to turn around to know he was crying. She squeezed his hand and pulled herself as close to him as she could get.
"And then we were in the hallway between OR 1 and 2. I was sitting on the floor against an empty shelf, and Denny was sitting against the wall across from me. And Doc was lying with his head in my lap. And I admitted that I stopped swimming. Then Denny did this thing, where he smiled and looked all peaceful, and he said that sometimes when people you love are in exactly the same place as you at the same time that you can almost feel them. But all you get is moments." She swallowed, trying to keep her emotions at bay as she relived the emotional experience.
Derek snuggled his head onto hers again, and whispered soothing noises as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. After a few moments, she nodded and grabbed his hand back into hers. She gripped it tightly, as if it were a lifeline.
"You okay?" He asked softly.
She sniffed. "Yeah, its just...hard, you know, to think about how close I came to..." She shook her head and took a deep breath. "Then Denny and Doc were gone, and I was alone, and the water started coming in. And I ran from the water, and found everyone together, and I wanted to go back, but they said I may be too late. And then I could barely breath, it was like there was no oxygen left in the room. I freaked out about how stupid I was to have had intimacy issues, and that just moments weren't enough. I needed more than just random whiffs of you." She stopped for several seconds, not sure what to say next.
"And then... I saw my mom." She felt Derek stiffen behind her. "She was dressed in scrubs, and she told me I shouldn't be there. Then she... she...she told me I was anything but ordinary and she hugged me and then told me to run. And I did. And I woke up in the ER with Cristina latched onto my feet." She let out a deep, shuddering breath as she finished the story.
"You knew," he said after a long moment of silence.
"Hmm?"
"You knew she was dead, as soon as I walked in to your room. You knew."
"Yeah," she answered. That was one of the things she couldn't justify to herself when she had tried to convince herself it was literally all in her head.
"Yeah," he responded.
Then her breathing hitched and she started crying in full. Derek sat up, pulling her with him, and turned her to face him, hugging her close. "Hey, hey," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. It's over. You're here." He gently rocked her as she cried. "I love you, Mer. Thank-you for coming back to me." He waited until she cried herself out, but even when she stopped, she remained plastered close to his chest.
"So that's it," she finally mumbled. "My near death whatever in all it's glory."
"Has Izzy ever mentioned feeling Denny in the hospital?" He asked gently.
Meredith shook her head. "I've never asked."
"And Cristina's dad?"
She shook her head again. "The only dad she's ever mentioned was her step dad. I'm kind of afraid to ask about her real dad. Denny said they were in a car accident, and he bled out in front of her while they waited for an ambulance."
"But you haven't asked?"
"I'm kind of afraid to ask. What do I do if it's true?"
Derek obviously didn't have an answer for her, as he remained silent, simply taking to stroking her hair. He sighed. "Thank-you for telling me."
She smiled. "I know I sound crazy, but..."
"You don't sound crazy, Meredith, as you said. Even if it was just neurotransmitters, it meant something to you. That's all that matters."
"Thank-you," she whispered into his chest.
He smiled into her hair. "It's what I'm here for."
000
Meredith was smiling as she pushed her way through the door into the kitchen in search of coffee. After laying together for close to an hour, she and Derek had finally decided to vacate the safe haven of the bedroom.
"Hey," Izzy said lightly from her spot at the table, newspaper sprawled out in front of her.
"Hey, Iz." Meredith greeted her roommate as she hit the on button on the coffee maker.
"Sorry, I just had the last cup," Izzy apologized, motioning to the mug serving as a paperweight on the newspaper.
"No prob," Meredith wandered over and collapsed onto the seat opposite of Izzy. "I can wait." She rested her chin in her palms, supported by her elbows up on the table, and debated which section of the paper to steal. But Izzy was eyeing her. Not an 'I'm watching you, don't touch the paper, I got it first,' look but an 'I want to say something, but I'm not sure if I should' look. Meredith tilted her head. "What's up?"
Izzy hesitated, obviously realizing her motives hadn't been quite as transparent as she had believed. "Oh, well, I... uh, I was just wondering if everything was okay?"
"Okay?"
"Yeah, I heard yelling this morning, a lot of it, and not good yelling if you know what I mean. And it was really early, so I just hope that everything is okay, that you and Derek are okay."
Meredith smiled. "Everything's fine, Iz."
"Oh, okay that's great," she answered, but sounded unsure.
"Derek and I are fine, and not Meredith fine, actually fine. Great in fact. We just had some things to work out."
"But you guys seemed to be doing really well before the anti-honeymoon thing. Oh, was he mad at you for leaving?"
Meredith shook her head. "No, nothing like that. We actually weren't fighting, just had to... I don't even know what to call it... have a real adult conversation. And we did. And everything's good."
Izzy smiled. "Good. I'm glad, because nothing else is allowed to change around here, at least for a little while."
Meredith laughed at her roommates words. "Agreed. Life has been far too crazy lately for my taste."
"Yeah," Izzy agreed, but her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Okay, now it's my turn. Is everything okay with you?"
Izzy looked up, surprised. "Fine. Everything's fine. Why?"
Meredith shook her head, now she knew something was wrong. "Well, to start, Derek told me you basically spent the last two weeks baking enough to open a shop."
"Hey, it's not my fault I had nothing else to do. You and Cristina went anti-honeymooning. Alex took off. And George... wasn't around. And no hospital. I'm not used to having so much free time to do nothing but think... and think..." She trailed off.
"Think about what?" Meredith prompted gently.
Izzy met her eyes, long and hard, contemplative. Then she took a breath and opened her mouth, as if to say something, then closed it quickly, shaking her head. "Nothing important."
"Iz..."
"No, nothing. Nothing important." Her voice had raised an octave and her eyes had taken on a sudden shine as she avoided meeting Meredith's worried gaze.
"What happened?" She questioned, her heart tightening with empathy for her roommate. Izzy had been through so much in the past year. She needed someone to be there for her if she was having problems. And Meredith hadn't been there.
Izzy sighed. "I can't."
"Yes, you can."
"No, Meredith, I really can't talk about it. Not yet."
Meredith sighed, knowing not to push. Izzy was a very open person, so if she was keeping something to herself, she had her reasons. "Okay, we don't have to talk about it, Iz. But I'm here for you, whatever you need, and whenever you need it. I'm here for you, Iz."
"Thank-you."
Meredith felt a smile come to her lips. "That's what I'm here for. But seriously, are you going to be okay?"
Izzy nodded. "Yeah, I think so."
"Good."
There was a creak from the hallway and both girls turned their heads to see Derek push through the doorway, his damp hair still plastered to his forehead. "Morning," he called to Izzy.
"Morning... Derek," she responded after only slight hesitation. It had been a late night conversation that had lead to her beginning to call him by his first name.
Derek was exhausted. It was close to two in the morning and he was just getting home after working since a little after six that morning, not that he was complaining. Working monster shifts meant he could keep his mind off Meredith more easily. And his body only had to keep up with the lack of sleep for another three days until she got home.
He locked his car and made his way inside, unsurprised to be greeted by the sweet smell of baked goods wafting from the kitchen. He closed and locked the front door behind him before hesitating in the front hall. He was so tempted to simply disappear up the stairs and sleep, but was caught in indecision about whether he should check and make sure Izzy wasn't going to burn the house down. Turns out he didn't have to decide.
"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzy's voice called from the kitchen and the door swung open, to reveal the normally cleanly dressed surgeon draped in a bright pink apron with splotches of batter and flour marring its color. Add that to the fact that her hair, messily pulled back in a pony tail was covered with a layer of off-white powder and there was a streak of dried batter across her cheek that he was pretty sure she didn't know about, and you've got a woman you'd never guess to be a surgeon. She smiled brightly when she spotted him by the door. "Oh, great! It is you. I heard a car outside. I just tried a new cookie recipe. The second batch just came out of the oven, and they're the best cookies ever, way better than last night's. Come and try!" And she was gone, having disappeared back into the kitchen.
Derek groaned to himself, his hand unconsciously going to his stomach. He had lost count of the baked goods he had ingested in the past week. But ever since he had given in and accepted one offer of a muffin for breakfast many days ago, she hadn't let up offering more, and he hadn't been able to say no.
So, he plastered a smile on his face and entered the kitchen, not even starting at the plates of cookies strewn across every surface and the mound of pots and pans piling up in the sink. He had seen it all many times.
"Here, sit," she prompted, pulling out a chair for him and motioning towards the plate of cookies on the table. "Try these. I'm telling you, I've done it. The best cookie recipe ever."
Derek sat, cautious not to bump anything off the table. He picked up a still-warm cookie, broke it in half, and slowly raised one half to his mouth, her eyes on him the whole time. He bit down and even he couldn't stop his eyes closing for a moment as he savoured the taste.
"You're right, Izzy. These are definitely the best cookies I've ever had."
"Oh, good! It's not just me then."
He popped the second half into his mouth. "Definitely not you. Definitely the best recipe ever. You can stop trying now and sell it for millions and retire early." He joked.
She smiled at him. "I can't just stop now, Dr. Shepherd. I'm a surgeon. I crave perfection. They may be the best, but they're still beatable."
He smiled back at her, unable to prevent her enthusiasm from transferring to himself. He reached for another cookie. She turned back to the oven, pulling out a cooked sheet of cookies and tossing in a new one, and then wandered over to the table, taking a seat across from Derek.
"They need five minutes to cool," she told him, reaching for her own cookie.
"So, only cookies tonight?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I realized that attempting the worlds best recipes were better done one at a time. Keeps you more focussed."
Derek laughed. "I like the strategy."
She laughed back.
Derek finished his third cookie and yawned. "Well, I'm going to get some sleep," and he made to get up.
"No, not yet. Could you just wait a little longer? They're almost cool enough," she motioned towards the cookies sitting on the stove. "And I made them with a little tweak and I need someone objective to compare them to the last batch."
Derek hesitated.
"Please, Dr. Shepherd?" She begged.
"Derek," he corrected.
"What?"
"Derek," he repeated. "It's my name."
"Oh, I don't know if..."
He smirked. "If you want me to test your cookies, you will call me Derek."
"Are you seriously blackmailing me into calling you by your first name?"
Derek nodded.
"But, you're my boss..."
"Izzy, you're not an intern anymore. You're a resident. And if you want to call me Dr. Shepherd at work, that's fine, but at home it's Derek."
She hesitated for several seconds before smiling. "Okay, Derek, I'd be delighted for you to stay up and test my cookies."
"The coffee's almost ready," Meredith called. "Izzy drained the pot, so I had to make more.
Izzy scoffed. "Sure blame the roommate. It's not my fault you didn't drag your ass out of bed until after twelve."
"Hey, it's my day off," Meredith countered as Derek pulled a chair in beside her.
"Says the girl who went to Hawaii for two weeks."
Meredith laughed. "Yes, but two weeks in Hawaii with Cristina? Not the most restful vacation."
"Whatever," Izzy muttered, turning her attention to Derek. "And you, I thought we had an understanding?"
Derek paused, meeting her challenging eyes, knowing she was joking, but unsure as to what the joke was. "What did I do?"
"You told on me!" She laughed. "Derek said you baked every day," she muttered, using a bad impression of Meredith's voice.
"Hey, I don't sound like that." Meredith cut in.
"Well, he still told on me, Meredith. And he's mean," she continued, still talking to Meredith, but staring at Derek. "He totally blackmailed me."
Derek scoffed. "I didn't blackmail you."
"You did so."
"No, I didn't. I traded. You wanted something, I wanted something. We both got it."
"What are you guys talking about?" Meredith questioned.
Izzy answered before Derek could. "Your boyfriend here, blackmailed me. I needed someone to test my next batch of cookies and he said he wouldn't do it unless I called him Derek."
"You used cookie testing as a way to get her to call you by your first name?"
Derek nodded.
Meredith laughed. "I'll have to remember that in the future. And here I've been doing it for free for a year. Just think of what I could get her to do."
Derek laughed at her words and the look on Izzy's face.
"Hey, that's not fair-" She tried to protest, but Derek had swung his arm over Meredith's shoulder and the two of them were laughing at her. She glared at them. "Fine," she stated, "be that way. I don't care. Just remember, next time I need you to test my baking that I still have questionable photos of the two of you. And I won't hesitate to use them." She joked; but was unprepared for Meredith and Derek's reaction.
Meredith felt tears building in her eyes as she laughed, clutching to Derek's shirt after he had turned towards her, laughing just as hard as she. His arm tightened around her shoulder.
"What? What's so funny? Seriously, guys?"
This only made them laugh harder. Meredith now found herself wrapped in Derek's arms, tears streaming freely down her face as she laughed.
"Seriously?!" Izzy demanded.
Meredith breathed, trying to ward of the laughter. It felt good to laugh again. She sucked down a breath. Then two. "Izzy, when was the last time you used your camera?" She asked, her thoughts on the memory card still sitting in the drawer of her nightstand.
"What? Why..." She trailed off, her eyes shifting back and forth swiftly before it hit her. Then she took off from the table, rushing upstairs to check if her theory was correct.
They clearly heard her pound up the stairs and then down the hall to her bedroom. Then-
"Damnit! I hate you guys!" Her muffled scream filtered down into the kitchen.
Derek smiled, pushing himself out of the chair. "Coffee?" He questioned.
"Absolutely," Meredith answered.
AN: Okay, so you know what happens when you build to something for so long, and then it passes and then you're like, well wtf do I do now? Yeah, that's kind of what happened with this chapter and why it took so long. The last chapter took so much time and planning, and I always had a plan for this chapter. I really felt Meredith needed to tell Derek about what happened when she was dead, part of the communication thing. And then one more thing was supposed to be discussed, but I was writing it and it felt wrong. After the last chapter, it just doesn't need to be now. So, this should leave us with only one major thing to be discussed still. So the second half of this chapter was pretty much filler, but would have been somewhere anyway. Izzy had to realize about the stolen photo card and Derek needs to be feeling at home. So it was a little awkward, but there was nothing else to finish the chapter. And I'm sorry to say that this story, which was really only originally a oneshot, needs to start winding down soon and I know where I want it to go, just not so much with the how to get there. So, I'm really sorry if updates take a bit of time for the next chappie or two. I just want to make sure everything happens to lead to the end. Thanks for sticking with me for so long!