Meredith gulped as the elevator dinged to announce its arrival on the ground floor. The doors slid open and suddenly she was following Derek out of the car, and into the lobby. The lobby where his mother and two of his sisters sat waiting.
Derek suddenly paused in his forward motion and turned to face her, effectively blocking her view of the waiting room, and most importantly blocking anyone in the waiting room's view of her.
"Last chance," he told her, his head tilted just to the side in concern. "If you need more time, I don't mind." His smile was warm and understanding, though his eyes begged her to follow him. I love you and I'll give you as much time as you need, but it'll be fine now. Please give it a try.
She met his eyes and forced herself to shake her head. She could do this. He loved her and she loved him and that was enough. She could do this. She had made it through the year and still ranked first after her test. She could do this. "No, I'm fine to do this now, Derek."
He pursed his lips, his eyes narrowing as he assessed her. "You look scared," he whispered.
She smiled lightly. "That's because I am scared."
He smiled reassuringly and reached to squeeze her hand. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she breathed. Then she took a breath and nodded.
He understood and dropped her hand to turn around, and began leading her to the far corner of the chairs by the window.
Meredith immediately zeroed in on his mother, recognizing her from her familiar features. Derek had inherited a lot from her. Apparently so did at least one of her daughters. The younger woman seated next to her was almost a perfect match. Both had dark, wavy hair, blue eyes and smooth complexions. They even had identical facial structures. The only difference Meredith could see, and she was only guessing because they were sitting down, but it looked as if daughter was a little taller than mother. The other woman sitting kitty corner to them was also obviously a sister. She had the long, wavy hair, only this time in sandy brown instead of dark, almost black. Natalie. Meredith made a mental note. Derek had told her Natalie was the only sibling with different coloured hair. Something about a lot of adoption and milk man's baby jokes growing up. This must be her. That would make the other one Anna. Unless, of course, the sandy haired sister had died her hair. But then Derek had told her it was Natalie and Anna, and the only other explanation was they died their hair each other's natural color. And that was stupid.
Okay, so Natalie and Anna. And Carol. Or was it Mrs. Shepherd? Meredith didn't know, and it was too late to stop and ask Derek how she should address his mother. She was stupid. She should have thought about that sooner. Now it was too late and she would have to wing it. This was it.
It was Natalie whose eyes first picked them up as they rounded the last set of chairs in their approach. She smiled at Derek and then Meredith felt eyes on herself. She wrung her hands nervously, sure this was about to be a memory she would look back on in years and regret doing something stupid. She always did something stupid, or said something stupid, or failed to do or say the smart thing, which ended up making her look stupid.
Natalie opened her mouth, obviously announcing their approach to the other two, as suddenly Meredith had three sets of eyes on her. She tried to offer them a friendly smile, but ended up averting her eyes. This was it. She was spotted. There was no way out of it now. There was nowhere to run. She slowed just so and ended up trailing a step behind Derek, as if delaying the meeting as long as she could, even if only the amount of time it took to take one more step. It was one more step she needed.
He came to a stop in front of his family, who were quickly standing up. She stopped beside him, shifting her weight, unsure of what to do next. "H-hi," she offered quietly, nodding a greeting, swallowing hard as her throat went bone dry.
Then Derek's hand was resting supportively on her lower back. "This is Meredith," he was saying, and then he smiled down at her. "Mer, this is my mother Carol, and my annoying sisters; Natalie and Anna."
"It's nice to meet you, dear," Carol spoke, stepping forward and holding out a hand.
Meredith shook. "It's nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Shepherd." Meredith greeted, grateful to find her voice.
"Oh, don't call me that," Carol responded with a flick of her hand. "Mrs. Shepherd was my mother-in-law. Please call me Carol."
Meredith nodded. "Okay." There was no way she was calling the woman by her first name until she was forced to. It may be some kind of test or something. She had no idea. Was this normal? She really wished she was better with families. She wished she had some sort of experience.
"I'm Natalie, Derek's favourite sister." Meredith had been right in her assessment. The sandy haired sister was Natalie.
She heard Derek groan as she stepped forward and shook Natalie's hand.
"He just pretends Nat's his favourite. I'm actually his favourite." Carol's look alike said, playfully shouldering her sister. "I'm Anna." Meredith had been right again; standing upright Anna was definitely taller than her mother.
Meredith could help but smile at the sibling banter, especially when Natalie argued back.
"I don't have a favourite sister," Derek said, joining in the sibling rivalry argument... thing. "I hate you all equally."
"Derek!" Carol chastised. "You don't hate your sisters."
Derek rolled his eyes good naturedly, ignoring the smirks he was receiving from his sisters. "Whatever you say, mom."
Carol clicked her tongue and turned her attention back to Meredith. "Did you and your siblings drive your mother crazy, too?"
Meredith opened her mouth and only stuttered once before she could speak coherently. "Oh, no. I, uh, didn't have any siblings. I was an only child." Her throat was suddenly dry again, bone dry. And her heart felt like it was going a million beats a minute. The only thing keeping her grounded was the feeling of Derek's hand still resting on her back. She felt her breathing hitch. She was ruining it. She was already freaking out. She didn't fit in. And soon they would know it.
"You're an only child?" Natalie asked, but continued immediately, failing to wait for an affirmative response. "You're so lucky!" She exclaimed, causing her sister to roll her eyes and her mother to swat at her.
Meredith felt her heart rate slow as her breathing evened out. She was still on guard, but not ready to explode. Suddenly her throat wasn't so dry and she found her voice again. "Yeah..." She didn't know what else to say. She knew it was a joke, but Natalie probably had no idea just how lucky she was to have grown up with the family she had. And Natalie had no idea what it was like to grow up alone. But disagreeing would only prove to make the situation a hundred times more awkward for Meredith.
"So, are you two up to grabbing some dinner this evening?" Carol questioned.
Derek nodded. "Yeah, we were thinking of suggesting this little Italian place in the city. It's quiet and pretty casual."
"Sounds perfect."
000
Meredith collapsed into the passenger seat of Derek's car, thankful to be away from scrutiny for at least the seven or eight minutes it would take for Derek to lead his family to the restaurant in the rental car they were following behind in. She was hugely grateful he hadn't offered to drive everyone in his car, or let a sister hitch a ride with them. She needed a few minutes to collect herself before she faced at least an hour straight with these people, and probably much longer.
Derek sat himself down beside and reached a hand over to squeeze her leg reassuringly. "That went okay, right?"
She glanced over to him, immediately meeting his expressive eyes, filled to the brim with worry, love and...hope. He was hopeful. She knew he wanted for her to get along with his family. She knew it. And she was willing to do as much as she could to make them like her. She just needed to calm down.
"Yeah. Yeah, it was okay." She nodded. Her heart was beating much slower than it had been before, but was still faster than she wanted it to be. She would kill to be the calm, rational, normal person who could meet her boyfriend's family and be perfect for them. Polite. Charming. Interesting. Coherent.
He tilted his head and lifted his hand to her face, lightly rubbing his palm along her cheek before he rested it against the side of her head, his fingers buried in her hair. "You sure? You seem a little... not sure."
She smiled at him, trying to be reassuring. "I'm sure. I'm just... nervous. But I'll be fine. Just don't mind me if I freak out a little on our way there."
He chuckled and removed his hand to start the car. "Fair enough."
He left her alone for a few minutes as he navigated out of the parking lot, making sure his sister had successfully made all the turns behind him. It wasn't until they were out on the highway that he reached for her hand. "You really are doing well," he commented. "They seemed to like you, and I don't think they noticed your little panic attack."
She glanced at him in surprise. "How do you...?" It had only lasted a few seconds really. She had been sure no one had noticed.
He smiled wryly. "Mer, it felt like your heart was going to explode out your back."
She sighed and nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that. I just... they asked about my family and I just... I don't know. Panicked." She exhaled furiously. "I wish I could just be normal."
He shook his head, his eyes leaving the road briefly to meet hers and then returned. "Meredith, you could never be normal."
She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for that."
He chuckled. "You know I don't mean it that way. You are amazingly not normal and I love you for it. If you were just another normal person, then you wouldn't be you. And I love you."
Meredith felt her heart jump at his words. Not sped up, just jumped once and then return to its slowly decreasing rhythm. She smiled and took a deep breath. "I know. And normally I'm okay with that, with who I am, but in extreme circumstances like this, I wish I could just be normal. At least temporarily."
"Extreme circumstance, huh?" He asked, eyeing her, his blue eyes sparkling. "You make it sound like this could be some sort of reality show: Extreme Relationshipping: Meeting the Family."
She laughed despite herself. "Shut up, Derek. This is extreme for me."
He sighed and reached for her hand. "I know it is. I hate it, but I know. And I'm so happy that you're doing this for me, Meredith. I wish more than anything that I could say something to reassure you. But it really will be okay. You know that no matter what happens, it won't change anything between us, right?"
Meredith felt a sudden sense on calm at his words. She did know. She did. But hearing him remind her with his voice so... sure. Honest. It helped make her believe. She nodded. "Yeah, I think I know that."
"Good. Cause it's true." He squeezed her hand. "I love you, Meredith."
She smiled. "I love you, too." She took a cleansing breath. Her heart rate may actually have returned to normal. "Okay, so am I really supposed to call your mother by her first name?"
He smiled and nodded. "Yeah, sorry I should have warned you. She hates Mrs. Shepherd. Makes everyone call her Carol."
"Okay. Anything else I should know?" If she was going to so this, she needed to be prepared. Derek spent the remainder of their short drive to the restaurant filling her in on his mother and sisters.
000
"This place is lovely," Carol commented as they sat and each picked up their menus. They had been seated at a small round table off to the side of the room. Carol was seated between her daughters, Natalie to her right and Anna to her left. Meredith and Derek sat across from her, Derek beside Natalie.
Meredith had been grateful when Derek had discreetly slid his chair closer to hers as he sat down. She needed to extra support right now. With him close she could begin to believe it was two against three instead of one against three with one floater.
"Hmm," Derek agreed with his mother as he trailed his eyes down the specials menus across the room.
"How often do you come here?" Anna asked.
He turned to her and shrugged. "Not too often. We don't really get a lot of free time."
Meredith nodded her agreement. "Yeah, I guess the last time would have been a few weeks ago..." She trailed off with a small smile at the memory of her awkward, rambling, incoherent, and yet successful, appeal for them to move in together.
Derek smiled as he obviously remembered too. "Good times."
"So, how long have you been in Seattle, Meredith?" Natalie questioned.
"About fourteen months, but I grew up here. My mom and I moved away when I was five. I hadn't been back since."
"Where were you before?"
"Boston was home base, I guess. But I was away for school."
"Where did you go to med school?"
"Dartmouth."
"Oh, that's a good school," Natalie commented. "My husband went there."
"Your husband is a doctor too?" Derek had told her once that all five of them had gone through med school, but he had never mentioned his brothers-in-law and their professions.
Natalie nodded. "Yeah, Phil. He's a GP."
Meredith nodded, thinking back to that fateful night Derek had taken her out to the trailer for the first time. They had laid awake most of the night talking about their pasts. "Okay, and you were the sister in...Peds?"
"Yup. That's me. Pretty impressive that you got it right actually, one in four chance and all."
Meredith laughed. "I'm just lucky, I guess." She turned to Anna. "And I'm pretty sure you were the other surgeon?"
"Following in her big brother's footsteps," Derek cut in before his younger sister could respond.
Anna rolled her eyes, ignoring Derek and focussing on Meredith. "Yeah, I'm the other surgeon. I'm just doing my fellowship, actually. At Mount Sinai."
Meredith nodded, committing the information to memory. She was determined not to forget anything.
"And you're in your second year of residency?" Anna asked, turning the conversation back towards Meredith again.
Meredith nodded, on guard for any comments or call outs to her age. "Yeah."
"That's cool," Anna said easily. "I'm sure you're still worked until you drop all the time, and then picked up and made to work more. I forgot what it felt like to not be exhausted all the time until probably my fourth or fifth year."
"Great," Meredith said. "I guess I have a lot to look forward to." She smiled when everyone laughed at her joke. Things were going okay.
"Are you two working tomorrow?" Carol asked.
Meredith nodded. She was on six until six again.
"I have a surgery scheduled for the morning," Derek answered.
"We should plan to do something tomorrow night," Carol suggested. "Meredith, how early are you off?"
"Six. I may be able to get away sooner, but it involves someone agreeing to take my interns..."
Anna laughed. "I've been there. Good luck with that."
Meredith laughed back. "Yeah, but they're not that bad really. I think I got the good ones."
"But not better than your group was, of course?" Anna asked jokingly.
Meredith hesitated. "Oh, of course not. Although, if I had to deal with the group my resident had to deal with... I don't know how I'd get through the day."
"That bad?"
She shifted her head back and forth. "No, we were good at what we did, we just got in trouble a lot. Not that it was our fault... okay, it was rarely our fault to begin with. It's just... a lot of stuff happened last year."
Anna laughed. "It couldn't have been that bad."
Even Derek scoffed. "You wouldn't believe it if she told you."
"Maybe it's a story better left for another time then."
"Definitely," Meredith nodded gratefully. What she really didn't need right now was rehashing her intern year. That was one way to scare off the McFamily for good on the first meeting.
"Well, why don't we plan to all do something tomorrow evening," Carol suggested. "And tomorrow afternoon Derek can take us out to see this trailer he's been living in." She turned her expression on her son, a mix of disbelief, disapproval and a little bit of humour like only a mother can feel. "Because ever since Nancy came home confirming that you actually were living in a trailer, Derek, well...I just need to see it for myself."
"Oh, yeah," Natalie added. "Der, I forgot about that. How can you possible live in a trailer? Why don't you just live in town like a normal person?"
"He does..." Meredith said, confused, and then trailed off when she glanced at Derek. His tense expression immediately made her realize she had said something wrong. He met her eyes and sent her apologetic look. She didn't get it.
"You moved again?" Carol questioned, her motherly look now losing its humour, leaving only disbelief and disapproval.
"You didn't tell them?" Meredith asked quietly, but it was a statement, not a question.
Derek turned to her and shook his head. "No. I'm...sorry. I meant to. I just...didn't."
She nodded, but didn't speak. She didn't want to be the one to announce their new cohabitation to his family. She had been under the impression they knew. She had thought that was probably why they had come. But this changed everything. They had been nice so far, but who knows... They could just be humouring Derek. They could just be putting up with their son/brother until he came to his senses, ended his midlife crisis and moved back home. Any ground she had made was probably gone.
Derek nodded, turning back to his mother. "I did move. I know I didn't tell you...again," he added before she could add that herself. "But I was going to. I just, well I've been busy. And I knew it would...well, I knew you'd have a lot more to say about it this time."
She narrowed her eyes as she analyzed him and he motioned towards Meredith with his head, his eyes pleading with his mother to not take it out on her. It wasn't Meredith's fault. It was his fault. Again.
Things weren't going as he'd hoped.
Meredith remained perfectly still; the only sound she could hear was the hammering of her heart, the blood pounding past her ears. Carol's gaze flickered from her son to Meredith, and then back. Then over to Meredith again, longer this time. A look of understanding passed over the older woman's face and she turned her attention back to Derek.
"Sorry about the wait," the waiter greeted as he showed up at both the best and worse possible moment, completely oblivious to the atmosphere at the table. "Can I take drink orders? And is everyone ready to order their meals?"
Ordering was very quick for everyone. The impending conversation would not wait for long. When the waiter rounded on Meredith, she ordered a wine. She would definitely need something to help her get through this meal now.
"You moved in together." It was a statement. No hints of a question. Carol was not looking for any form of confirmation.
Derek nodded. "We did. I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he repeated.
Carol shook her head. "That's twice Derek. Last time you called me a week later and told me you'd up and moved across the country. This time you didn't even tell me. Where's it going to be next time?"
He shook his head. "No where. I'm staying in Seattle. I just moved into town, that's all. I have no reason to leave."
"We thought that last time," Natalie cut in, her voice tired and hurt. And it was the first time Meredith realized he had left people behind when he moved to Seattle. He had hurt people.
He sighed. "I'm sorry about last time, I am, but if you had any idea what was going through my head..." He trailed off. "I just needed to get away. I was hurt and embarrassed and just couldn't deal with talking to anyone."
As much as Meredith was trying to become invisible, she couldn't stand watching Derek in so much pain. She quietly reached over to take his hand, offering silent support. The three Shepherd women didn't so much as glance at her, so she took a breath and went back to thinking invisible thoughts.
"We know that, Derek," Carol agreed. "But what's your excuse for this time?"
"It happened really fast," he admitted. "We talked about moving in together and found a place really fast, and took possession right away... It's only been a couple weeks," He argued.
Carol sighed, obviously disappointed. "Derek, you didn't even give us a heads up that your relationship was headed in this direction." Anna and Natalie remained silent, allowing their mother to get everything off of her chest, but their expressions gave away their agreement.
Meredith felt her eyes flick up to regard Carol as she realized the conversation was heading towards her. Her throat was dry again, and her heart was sure getting its work-out for the week.
"Mom, if you had any idea what's been going on lately you'd leave it alone," he argued.
"That's the point, Derek. We have no idea what's going on in your life. You don't tell us anything."
"I want to. I just..."
"Derek, not even to include that you've barely been divorced six months, but you moved in with a girl that you haven't even introduced to your family. You don't do that, Derek. We deserve more than that. What's next, you call us up and say you got married a week ago? A month ago? We're your family, Derek. Your family."
Yup, Meredith was right. The conversation was about her. They hated her already. She wasn't good enough for Derek. At the present moment, Meredith would gladly give everything she had to be anywhere else.
Carol turned to her. "Meredith, I'm sorry, because you seem like an awfully nice young lady, but we've never even met you before. What would your mother say? Does she know?"
Meredith froze, her jaw tightening. She'd be fucking disappointed. And not because she hadn't been told. "Oh, well, my mother, uh, passed away a few months ago."
Silence.
The oxygen seemed to disappear from the room. It was hot. Everyone was staring.
Derek squeezed her hand.
She found she could breathe again. Just a little.
"I'm so sorry, dear," Carol told her, her voice nothing but genuine. Natalie and Anna chimed in their condolences.
"It's never easy losing a parent," Natalie added, her voice portraying understanding. Meredith knew their father had passed away when they were all kids. "Are you close with your father?"
Meredith closed her eyes, wishing the table would just swallow her. They already hated her. Now they were just going to kick her while she was down. She couldn't do this. She couldn't explain her non-relationship with her father. She couldn't let Derek's family in on the lack of family in her life, not when they already hated her. She didn't need to give them another reason to think she wasn't good enough for Derek.
"Nat," Derek spoke softly, and she knew without looking that he was motioning for her to stop.
But Meredith found the strength to open her eyes and shook her head. "No. No, we're not close. Not close at all." She could only hope she wouldn't be requested to expand on that.
Natalie responded with something that was an awkward cross between a nod and a shake, letting her know she was dropping the subject. She looked guilty, but it wasn't her fault. Meredith wanted to tell her that, but she just couldn't find the words. She was very close to not being able to deal with the situation any longer.
Derek squeezed her hand again.
The waiter arrived with their drink orders, and it seemed to take eons for him to set the five glasses down on the relatively small table, as the five people seated around the table sat stock still; waiting, silent. Their waiter remained silent, however, obviously realizing and respecting the tense atmosphere this time. He nodded when the fifth glass was settled on the table and quietly wandered away.
"Look," Derek spoke quietly, taking the initiative on the conversation that obviously needed to take place. "I'm sorry. I screwed up. Again. I left New York because I just couldn't deal." He sighed and dropped Meredith's hand to wrap his arm around her waist. He slid his chair closer to her and pulled her in tight, obviously needing the contact and comfort as much as she did. "I would love to have introduced you to Meredith sooner, but there were just things that got in the way. It's only been in the last few weeks that everything has settled down."
Meredith averted her eyes, staring down at the table cloth with a sudden fascination. The only thing that was keeping her upright was the strong arm around her middle. This was why she didn't do families. She didn't mesh well with families and things like this happened. Derek didn't need this.
"I can't take any of the last year back," Derek continued. "And trust me; there are many things I would love to take back if I could." He pulled her tighter for just a moment and she knew exactly which decision he regretted most. "All I can do is apologize and try to make up for it in the future."
"Derek," Carol spoke softly. "We just want to be a part of your life."
He nodded. "I know. And I want you to be, all of you. So here it is." He smiled gently, glancing over at his downcast girlfriend. "I'm in love with an amazing woman. And we moved in together last week. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but it happened really fast."
Meredith lifted her eyes hesitantly. "It's my fault," she said quietly. Derek didn't deserve all the blame for this. "It was my idea. I... I'm sorry. I didn't even think about what you would think. I'm not used to... It just never occurred to me. I'm sorry."
Derek shook his head. "This isn't your fault, Mer."
"It is my fault, and I keep..." She sighed, lowering her voice, despite the fact that the three women across from her could likely hear a whisper in the quiet restaurant. "I didn't even think. I asked, and of course you agreed to do it right away, cause with my history you were worried you may not get another chance to say yes. You kept asking me if I wanted more time, but I never asked you. And I should have."
Derek turned in his chair, and suddenly his other arm was wrapped around her as well. Meredith shook gently, fighting off tears. She was in a restaurant, meeting her boyfriend's family, and she couldn't get through the first twenty minutes without crying. And as much as she should push Derek away and put on a brave face, she just didn't care that she was wrapped in his arms, fighting off tears as they stared. She was beyond caring. They already hated her; so this couldn't do any further damage. And she really just needed a hug right now.
"Meredith," he whispered, his chin resting on her shoulder. "None of this is your fault. I promise you that. I didn't want to wait any longer either. They're mad about things that happened long before this past week. This was just the icing. It was wrong to both them and you to not tell them about us. You both deserved better." He said the last sentence a little louder, allowing his family to hear as well.
"I'm sorry," he apologized to his mother and sisters as he pulled his second arm away from Meredith, and turning to face forward once again. He kept his other arm wrapped tight around her, holding her close; something Meredith was grateful for. She took strength out of the contact. "I promise I'll be better. I'll try to keep you up to date with my life." He nodded to back up his statements. "Until very recently I wouldn't have known what to tell you anyway, but I'm back on track now."
Natalie and Anna remained silent, their eyes flicking back and forth between their brother and their mother, obviously waiting for Carol to make the first move. Meredith watched the family dynamics quietly, wondering how she had ended up in the situation. Here. Now. Only a few hours ago she had still been smiling. And then out of nowhere she was accosted in the hallway by Izzy, and it had only gone down hill from there. Sitting in silence with Derek and his family, waiting for the other shoe to drop, was definitely not how she had planned for their night to go. A quick dinner, or some take out, and a quiet evening at home. That was how she had planned their night to go.
Carol sighed and nodded her head. Finally. "Alright, Derek, but we're going to hold you to that promise." She shifted her eyes to Meredith and then back to her son. "I'm glad you're happy," she offered, a small smile even flashing across her face. "Why don't we all just start over?"
"Thanks, mom."
She waved her hand dismissively. "There's nothing to thank me for. I'm your mother. It's my job. Now, why don't you two tell us about your life?"
000
Meredith rested quietly, her head resting against the cool glass of the window, listening to the motion of the car gliding over the pavement below them as Derek drove home hours later. Dinner had been okay. After a few glasses of wine she was even tempted to say dinner had been good. After Derek and his family had sorted out the whole not talking about his life thing, it had been much less stressful. It seemed Derek had trouble communicating with more people than just her. It also seemed like his family was very forgiving. He was lucky.
Carol, Natalie and Anna had turned out to be quite nice people. They seemed friendly and genuinely interested in her life. They had even stayed far away from questioning her about her family or her past beyond where she had gone to school. They had laughed and had talked about themselves. His sisters and her had shared stories of working in the hospital. They had talked for hours, right through dinner, and dessert, and even staying to order a coffee or two. All in all, the evening had gone well.
But there was still one conversation that kept replaying through Meredith's mind. It had started as a small comment, and had ended quickly, and at first she had thought nothing of it, but after a while she kept coming back to it. Something was off about Derek's response. Something didn't make sense. She hadn't even thought about it. She had been so busy at the time that she had shrugged it off.
'Derek, your sister told me you were running for Chief?"
Derek had nodded. "Yeah, mom.Chief of Surgery."
"I didn't know that, Derek," Anna cut in. "That's really cool."
Derek nodded. "Yeah."
"But you didn't get it?" His mother asked. "How many were running with you?"
"There were four of us. MeAddy, Mark and another surgeon named Preston Burke."
"Preston Burke?The Cardio surgeon?" Anna asked.
Derek nodded.
"I heard he left Seattle Grace."
Derek nodded again. "He did."
"And so did Addy," Natalie stated. She scoffed. "Please don't tell me they put Mark in charge of anything."
Even Meredith laughed along with everyone else.
"No, don't worry. They didn't."
"So, they didn't choose any of you? How come?" Carol asked.
Derek had hesitated. He glanced at Meredith and quickly looked away and sat up straighter. "Oh, well, I guess it didn't matter anymore. Chief Webber decided not to retire."
"They put you through hoops, and then at the last minute the man decides not to leave?" Carol shook her head. "That's not fair to anyone. You should complain."
Derek paused, avoiding looking at Meredith. He shrugged. "It's not a problem. It really doesn't matter."
And that had been it. The conversation had moved on from there, but there was something strange about Derek's response. She could remember how much he had wanted that job. He had kept her up all night ranting when the Chief had asked Burke the first time. He had worked so hard making plans, meeting with the Chief, looking for the support he knew he deserved. The Chief had asked him to Seattle with the promise of Chief. Derek had deserved it.
She sighed against the glass, her breath causing a small fog to appear, and then immediately begin to dissipate. Why hadn't she questioned the Chief's decision to stay before? It certainly was unusual and completely unfair to the four who had been vying for the position.
"You awake over there?" Derek called quietly.
She pulled her head away from its resting place and nodded. "Yeah," she answered quietly. She was exhausted. It was late. She leaned her head back against the headrest and watched the headlights cut through the dark road in front of them.
"I really am sorry," he spoke gently.
She shook her head. "It's okay, Derek. With everything that happened in the last year, I get it."
"You sure?"
She nodded. "Of course. It just took me by surprise. I never even considered whether you had told them. Hell, I never even considered that they would care. I was freaking out trying to figure out how to tell my friends, and you were probably doing the same thing. And it must be way harder over the phone."
Derek reached across the consul and took her hand. "I wasn't freaking out. I knew I needed to tell them, but I was hoping it could wait awhile. I was in love with how well things were going. I didn't want to add another potential roadblock." He spoke hesitantly, but honestly, as if the initial direction of the conversation with his family had made him determined to tell her everything.
Meredith laughed. "Well, don't worry. We're good at breaking through the roadblocks. And they didn't really pose a roadblock, maybe one of those spiky bump things that cause you to slow down, but definitely not a complete block."
Derek chuckled. "Was it that bad?"
"No, it really wasn't. They seemed really nice," she told him honestly. "The first bit kind of sucked, but afterwards, well it went better than I expected."
"Good."
"I really liked Anna. We have a lot in common, so it was easy to talk to her," she said, referring to the surgical residency part of their lives. Anna was just finishing and Meredith was just starting. "But Natalie was great too, and your mom seemed really... motherly. Complete opposite of Ellis."
Derek nodded sadly. "Yeah, she is." He squeezed her hand. "You deserve to know what its like to have a good mom, Meredith."
She smiled at his words. "If you're saying what I think you're saying, then please don't push right now, Derek. I'm okay meeting them and talking and stuff, but I can't do more. Not yet. The whole getting close and doing... girly stuff. I just can't handle that. Not yet." She hoped he would understand.
"But maybe one day?" He was smiling.
She nodded. "Maybe one day."
Derek sighed with relief and squeezed her hand as he steered the car into the entrance to the underground lot for their building. He dropped her hand to manoeuvre into the spot beside her jeep, and they both got out of the car.
In the sudden silence, Meredith's mind wandered back to the conversation about Chief. It was late. She was exhausted. All she wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep for hours. And she had to be up bright and early for rounds the next morning. But she needed to talk about it. She at least needed to ask. It was strange.
"Derek," she began as they stopped beside the single elevator. Derek pushed the button and they listened as the engines kicked in to bring the car down to the basement level.
"Hmm?" He asked, his arm falling easily over her shoulder as they waited.
"Why aren't you upset the Chief decided to stay?"
Derek tensed beside her, and she knew instinctively that he knew something about the situation that he hadn't shared with her. "Things worked out for the best this way."
She narrowed her eyes. "Things worked out for the best? How can you say that? You were so intent on getting that job. And your mother was right. It was wrong of Webber to make you all jump through hoops and then decide to stay."
The elevator dinged, echoing through the basement. The doors opened and they pulled away from each other to board. Derek settled himself against the side wall and ran his hand back through his hair. Then he took a breath and stepped forward, taking her hands in each of his.
"Look, I never meant not to tell you this, Meredith. I promise. But things kind of spun out of control. You were dealing with Susan and your father. I was freaking out. Then next thing I knew, Burke left and you and Cristina were on your way to Hawaii for two weeks... and I just kind of forgot. I promise you, I never meant to keep it from you, I just didn't think about it again until my mom asked this evening."
Meredith tensed. This was something big. She tried to prepare herself.
Derek opened his mouth...and the elevator dinged to announce its arrival on the fourth floor. He sighed and let go of one of her hands, choosing to hold on to the other. They walked together to their door, hand in hand.
As soon as the door was closed behind them, Derek turned to face her and took her other hand again. "Richard gave Chief to me."
Meredith's eyes widened. "He what?" She didn't understand.
"Richard gave Chief to me," Derek repeated. "On the day of the non-wedding. He offered me Chief. I turned him down."
"Why would you do that? You wanted that job so much."
He shook his head. "I thought I did, too. But in the end, it wasn't important anymore. And Richard wasn't ready to leave. I told him to have it back. It gave him a second chance to do everything right."
"A second chance to do everything right? What does that mean?"
Derek sighed. "He blames the job for what happened between him and Adele."
Meredith paused. She sensed the hidden meaning in Derek's words. "And you thought we wouldn't have a chance either?"
Derek shook his head. "It wasn't like that."
"Did you ever stop to wonder if he maybe wasn't the best example? Having a long term affair with my mother twenty years ago may have contributed to the destruction of his marriage more than the job."
"I wasn't trying to use him as an example. He told me..." Derek trailed off suddenly, as if realizing he was going too far.
Meredith's eyes shot up. "What did he say to you, Derek?"
Derek sighed and closed his eyes for several seconds. When he finally opened them again, his blue eyes were dark and pained. "The morning I went in asking for his support... well, I went back again that afternoon and he told me he couldn't give it to me."
"Why not?" She demanded.
"Because... because of you," he spoke softly. "He said the job would interfere too much, that it wasn't worth it."
Meredith sputtered as she struggled to find something to say. "So, he blacklisted you because you were in a relationship? Did he do the same to Burke?"
Derek shook his head. "I don't think so."
"Then why just you? I don't understand. Who does he think he is? The relationship expert? And why does he suddenly care so much about your happiness?"
Derek sighed sadly, meeting her eyes. "Look, I don't want to tell you this, but I promised myself I would always tell you the truth."
"What are you talking about?"
"It's not my happiness he was looking out for."
Meredith felt her blood run cold.
"Apparently he made your mother a promise before she died, that he'd watch out for you. He said he wouldn't give me his support because he thought the job would destroy us."
"You didn't come home that night," Meredith whispered. She clearly remembered calling him, his cell ringing until his voicemail picked up. Time after time; call after call.
Derek shook his head. "No. I had to think."
Meredith felt tears suddenly well in her eyes and she wrenched her hands out of his, stepping back.
"Meredith-" Derek stepped towards her, his hands out, trying to recapture hers.
She stepped back again. "Please. Don't."
He sighed, but respected her pleas and ceased his approach. "Please, Meredith. You need to understand. It was never about not wanting you. If I had to choose between you and a job, it was you, Mer. No question."
"Then why...?"
"It wasn't long after you drowned. I was freaking out about that. I still thought you had...given up on me. I wasn't thinking clearly. And after everything that had happened... I guess I just didn't want to end up with nothing."
"I don't understand..."
"I came to Seattle to be Chief."
"Then you should have taken the job," Meredith cut in, suddenly feeling the overwhelming need to tell him. To tell him to go the Chief and demand the job. He needed it. He had come for it. It was the only reason he had come to Seattle in the first place. She couldn't be the reason he didn't get his dream job. And she didn't even want to think about what would happen when his family found out...
Derek shook his head. "No, just listen. I came here to be Chief. My life was in shambles, Meredith. My personal life was... gone. I lost my wife and my best friend in the blink of an eye. I couldn't talk to my family about it. I was hurt and...embarrassed. How was I supposed to call my mother and tell her I was getting divorced because my wife slept with Mark?" He sighed. "When Richard called and offered me a job with a promise of being Chief, it was like a sign that I could succeed at something, even if I had failed everywhere else. That's why I came to Seattle." He paused for a few moments, cautiously stepping forward.
Meredith allowed his approached and even let him take her hands again. She looked up at him through blurry eyes, but refused to let the tears fall.
"Richard calling was a sign," Derek spoke. "I just didn't realize why for a while. Being Chief was my dream because at the time, it was all I had to hold on to. But then I had you. And you were a much better reason to be in Seattle. Meredith, you make me happier than I've ever been before, happier than I ever thought possible. I'm so thankful I had a reason to accept Richard's offer when I did. I can't imagine what my life would be like without that single phone call. But when he told me I couldn't have both... I just couldn't separate the two in my head. Becoming Chief was so ingrained... I was stupid, because it's really not a choice. I just hadn't realized that my dream had changed so dramatically without me noticing."
The tears were now streaming steadily down her cheeks, but Meredith just couldn't bring herself to care. "Derek..."
Suddenly she was in his arms, her head resting against his chest as he rubbed his hands up and down her back. "I'm sorry, Mer. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before."
"I can't be the reason you gave up your dream."
He shook his head. "You're not. You're the reason I have a dream. I don't want the job anymore. There's no incentive."
"But..." She tried to protest, but he shushed her gently.
"No buts. I want you, Meredith. I want to be happy. I don't want to throw any of it away to sit behind a desk every night doing paperwork and dealing with hospital politics. I want to be with you."
"You don't have to throw anything away. The Chief isn't always right. We can be together and you can be Chief. We'll make it work. We'll prove it can be done."
"I don't want the job anymore. Really. I want to cut. I want to help people. I don't want the added stress of running the entire wing that Richard has. Department head is extra paperwork enough. I'm happy where I am."
"But what if in a few years you change your mind?"
He shrugged. "Tell you what, when Richard decides to retire again, we can revisit the idea. Until then, there's really no point."
Meredith sighed against him. She was exhausted. She had dealt with a long, emotional day. She nodded. "Only if you promise me you'll actually think about it. I can't be the reason you don't get your dream job. I can't. I won't. There can't be any reason for you to look back in a few years and regret being with me."
He shook his head. "Never going to happen."
Meredith wasn't so sure, but she nodded and pulled away. She wiped her hand across her face and offered him a small smile. "Okay. I'm just going to head up to bed." She hated leaving him alone downstairs after such a harsh conversation, but after the day she had, she just couldn't find the energy to fix it. She staggered up the stairs and through their bedroom before locking herself in the bathroom. She broke down half way through brushing her teeth and allowed herself three minutes to cry before she washed her face and took a deep breath, hoping her red eyes would be accepted as tired, and not having been crying. She stepped out of the bathroom and silently passed Derek on his way in.
She stripped out of her clothes and tossed them in their combined laundry hamper before pulling on an old tee and slipping into bed. She turned to face the wall and wrapped the blanket around her body just as the door to the bathroom opened again. She heard Derek sigh as he stepped into their room and shuffled across the floor to his closet. The familiar sounds of him changing into his pyjamas filled her ears and then the springs on the bed shifted as he sat. She waited, but he didn't lie down.
He sighed again. "Meredith, do you want me to sleep on the couch?"
She was surprised by the question. The thought of a night alone to deal with the revelations regarding him and his decisions was tempting. But the thought of sleeping without him... "No. I want you to sleep here."
"Are you sure."
"Yes."
The springs shifted again as he lay himself down beside her. He didn't touch her. They would often fall asleep curled up to each other. And he would always at the very least lean over and kiss her goodnight. He obviously wasn't sure how welcome he was to do that. And she wasn't sure if she wanted him to.
"I love you," Derek whispered gently, obviously not able to let all of their nightly traditions slide despite the atmosphere.
"I love you, too," Meredith responded. And she was in tears again. They streaked across her face as she struggled to keep her sobs in control. She didn't want him to know she was crying. But it was too late.
Strong arms wrapped around her lower torso. "I'm so sorry, Mer," he whispered.
"I know," she managed to say through her tears.
"What can I do?"
She shook her head. "You're already doing it. I'm just exhausted. I can't continue this tonight."
He nodded against the back of her head. "Okay. We'll get some sleep and talk tomorrow."
Meredith sighed thankfully and snuggled closer to his strong chest as her breathing fell back into a normal rhythm. She took some comfort in the fact that they could still sleep so tightly bound together. It was a good sign. They would get some sleep and talk more tomorrow. She sighed sadly as she realized she hadn't told him about her rank, but now was definitely not the time to do it.
AN: Well, I didn't expect the chief revelation to end up like this, but it just flowed this way. This was, btw, the last thing Derek needed to get out that didn't fit in The Talk. If I've missed anything else, please let me know. I was surprised to see how long this chapter was when I glanced down at my word count and debated at making it two chapters, but this was already like the third chapter for this single day... lol, and I didn't want to make it four. I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that!