Danse Russe
Chapter 2
Then I come a day behind
"McKinnon," Sirius whispered softly, gently shaking the sleeping girl's arm. Remus had somehow managed to keep James and Peter downstairs for the past six hours, but not even Moony could keep them down there all night. Sirius knew she needed more sleep, but she couldn't exactly stay in his bed. How was he going to explain that to James and Peter without telling them what he thought– what he knew had happened?
"McKinnon," he whispered again and she rolled over clasping his hand to her as if it was a teddy bear, her forehead pressing against his chest. He sighed stroking her messily plaited hair.
He had spent a good ten minutes attempting to coax the wild locks into some semblance of the twisted braids he saw so many girls weave their hair into when the dark strands of hair kept tickling his nose as he tried to sleep along side her.
Exhaling slowly he rolled to his back and tugged his hand from her. Merlin, what was he doing looking after some simpering little girl? Why the hell did he care what happened to her anyway? It wasn't as if he even liked her; he didn't even tolerate her most days. She was just another stupid girl who had gone and fucked herself over and needed someone else to pick up the pieces. He wasn't some damn "knight in shining armor." He wasn't going to take care of her.
All he had been doing was trying to worm whatever it was that had been bothering her from her lips and then he was going to toss the information to James, who would tell Lily, who would tell the gaggle of girls and then they would fix it.
But now, Merlin, he couldn't let the whole fucking school know. He shouldn't have even told Remus, but he needed someone to shove her off on. Then the stupid girl had gone and latched onto him. What was he supposed to do? Look at her and say, 'Oh no, McKinnon, I only fucked you so you'd spill. I don't really give a shit. Someone else has to deal with the information.'
She stirred beside him and he flicked his grey eyes to her as she sat up holding his gaze for less than a second. She looked so vulnerable: pale, tearstained, peaky. "I–" she started, but broke off.
"Thank you," she murmured weakly before slipping out of the bed. He watched her wordlessly as she went about collecting her clothes with trembling hands. She stepped into the bathroom to dress and he shoved himself to a sitting position.
'Thank you,' he repeated in his mind. Who the hell said something like that? 'Thank you?' He had just well, taken advantage of her really. She was emotionally unstable, sleep deprived, and so fucking broken. He had just… used her, if he was to look at it on the most basic of levels. Of course, she had asked for it, but still that didn't make it right. Since when had Sirius Black ever done anything right?
Pushing himself out of bed he leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door. "McKinnon," he called softly and she gave a noise of acknowledgement. "Was it Avery?" he asked. She didn't respond, so he waited running his hand roughly over his face.
When she stepped out of the bathroom Marlene gave him a small wary smile and quickly made for the door.
"McKinnon," Sirius rather growled as she tried to leave without answering his question. Grabbing her arm as she attempted to ignore him again he repeated his question forcefully, "Was it Avery?"
Marlene glared at him. "It's my fault, Black. I am the one responsible," she hissed trying to tug her arm away, but he tightened his grasp.
"It's your fault he raped you?" he asked darkly, frowning at her.
"I chose to drink! I put myself in that position. No one but me holds the blame for that," she told him vehemently.
"He fucking raped you," Sirius growled, his grip on her arm tightening again. "He violated you. How is that your fault?"
"How would you even know?" Marlene shouted. "I don't even know! Maybe I asked for it?" Her voice shook and she tried to pull away from him again. "I can't even remember who I was with, or where I was going. The last thing I remember from Halloween was sneaking out the front gates and that's it!"
Sirius released her arm his ire fading as the quivering words left her lips. "Merlin, McKinnon, have you ever been drunk?"
Holding her bruised arm to her chest Marlene's hazel eyes shot to the floor and she slowly backed toward the door. Sirius held the door closed with one hand preventing her from leaving as she tugged at knob.
"Please," she begged weakly.
Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head before gazing steadily down at her. It was amazing the way she could appear to be a worthy adversary when she was yelling at him, and then switch to the reality that was her; a weak and frightened little girl, barely bigger than a doll.
"McKinnon," he said softly, "drunken blackouts don't work that way." She didn't turn around, but her hand fell to her side. Gently placing his hand on her shoulder he whispered, "McKinnon, you'd at least remember when you started drinking."
"It's my fault, Black. I placed myself in the position. I didn't think when I was late and then," she sobbed once almost soundlessly, "I went to that stupid Quidditch match, and I didn't pay attention, and I lost my child. It's my fault. I am capable of holding the responsibility for my actions. I am trying to do that. Please, let me go," she murmured to the door.
He let his hand slide down to her waist and nuzzled against her neck. She was so much more responsive to his touch. "Marley, it's not your fault, baby," he told her quietly between feather-light kisses.
Marlene cringed away from him a frown wedged between her brows as she turned and gazed up into the fathomless depths of his grey eyes. He was trying to tempt her into agreeing with him, into giving her independence to him again.
"Then whose fault is it? Who is responsible then, Black? If not me, then who? God? Fate? God doesn't exist, Black! There is no such thing as fate! We are all responsible for our own actions. Some of us are just too weak to own up to it and try shove it off on a fairy tale," she said resolutely.
"I'm not placing the blame on fate, McKinnon. I'm blaming the bastard who raped you, wiped your mind, and killed your child," he said fiercely, his anger flaming up again as she refused to see reality, but he caressed her cheek gently, letting his fingers linger on her skin trying to make her believe him with his touch.
She was weakening to him; she could feel it, the burning desire in her veins pulling her toward him, fogging her mind. He was doing it to her on purpose. She knew it.
Ducking under his arm she moved away from the door, choosing to stand near the foot of Remus' bed instead. Sirius turned and leaned up against the door not allowing her to bolt if that thought crossed her mind. She needed to deal with this, to except it, so he could get rid her without raging guilt eating away at him for all eternity.
"McKinnon," he attempted to keep his voice soft, "we both know this story you've convinced yourself into believing, is just that, a story. Now come on, let's figure out what really happened, so we can take care of it."
"We?" she retorted almost angrily. "We? Black, there is no 'we.' This is my problem and I am dealing with it. I have not created some fantasy to hide in. You are the one who is fabricating some elaborate scheme that involves rape, murder, and planning. Do you honestly think Avery is bright enough to manage a memory charm?"
"No," Sirius said darkly, "I think he was a lucky bastard that you've never experienced the effects of alcohol, McKinnon. Anyone else would have realized a huge chuck of their memory was missing."
"Since when do you care anyway, Black?" she shouted. "You've never given a damn before now."
This was his opportunity, his escape. She didn't want his help; she wanted to continue to live in the dark. So be it. She didn't want him to care. He didn't want to care. It was the perfect situation. He shoved himself off the door, striding toward his bed, brushing passed her as he growled, "I don't."
Tucking the loose strands of wild dark hair behind her ears, Marlene took a deep calming breath. "Well, good," she said stubbornly.
As Sirius watched her smooth out the pleats of her skirt, he frowned. What the bloody hell was she doing there if she didn't want him to care? Once more, as she pulled the door open he slammed it closed, holding it shut with one hand above her head.
"Damn it, Black! Let me go," she screamed weakly.
"Why did you come here then? Why did you come to me if you didn't want me to care?" he demanded glaring down at her again.
Tugging at the door she said, "Because you wouldn't care! I knew you wouldn't care. And you weren't supposed to ask questions."
"If you didn't want me to know, then why did you tell me?" he said angrily.
"Like I had a choice! You!" Marlene shouted and turned to face him, abandoning her attempt at forcing the door open. "You took away that option. I don't know how the hell you did it, but you didn't give me a choice."
"I?" Sirius laughed scornfully. "I didn't give you a choice? Hell, McKinnon, you practically begged me to fuck you."
She cringed away from his derisive chuckles and the stinging truth of his words. "Which was completely out of my character, Black! You've done something to me," she said slowly backing away from him. She was becoming hysterical, irrational, paranoid, and she new it, but she just couldn't stop herself. "You've done something to me, I don't know what—"
Sirius scowled, snarling, "What the fuck are you suggesting?" as he shoved himself off the door following her as she backed herself against the wall.
"I-I-I," she stuttered and he lowered his head to stare directly into her eyes, his hands on the wall at either side of her shoulders pinning her there with his overbearing presence.
"That I forced you to have sex with me. Is that what you are saying, McKinnon?" he hissed. Marlene shook her head fiercely, biting her lower lip and tears spilling down her cheeks. He grabbed her arm, dragging her across the room. "Get out," he said dangerously slinging her toward the door.
"Black, I," she stammered, but he yanked the door open shoving her toward the exit.
"Out," he all but roared and Marlene scurried out the door. No sooner than she crossed the threshold the door slammed shut.
She stood still in shock for a moment before quickly ridding her cheeks of tears and smoothing out her skirt. Taking a deep breath she started down the stairs.
"Hey, Marley," James Potter greeted her with a confused frown as he saw her coming down the boy's dormitory staircase. She gave him a withering smile. "What were you—"
Remus Lupin saved her from the question. "Ah, Marley," he said, smiling concernedly. "Did you find the notes, alright?"
Her expression was blank for a moment, but suddenly she smiled. "Yeah. They were right were you said they were. Thanks again, Remus."
"No problem." He grinned nudging James to get him moving again. As he passed her he discreetly took her hand and gave it a small squeeze.
Marlene smiled weakly in gratitude before hurrying downstairs at back up to her own dormitory.
--
"It's her problem, Moony, she can deal with it," Sirius said casually over his treacle tart, late that night in the kitchens.
"She can—" Remus started confused before frowning. "What the hell happened to 'we're going to kill the fucking bastard'?"
Sirius shrugged giving off an air of indifference. "She doesn't want my help; she made that clear. And quite frankly, I don't care."
Biting down his anger at that false proclamation Remus gazed at his long time friend. "You don't care that someone raped her and then murdered her child?"
Something like rage flashed through Sirius' grey eyes before he said carelessly, "What am I supposed to do, Remus? She doesn't want me to help. I don't want to help. It best just to forget it."
"She came to you. She came to you, Padfoot. Could you not see— could you not feel the way she clung to you in there, the way she needed you in there?" Remus jabbed a finger upwards toward the Gryffindor common room.
Gazing directly into Remus' pale green eyes Sirius said, "She came to me because she knew I wouldn't give a damn. She 'clung' to me because she was drugged and upset and I was closer than you."
Remus stood apparently having lost his appetite. "Sometimes, Padfoot, I wonder who made you so goddamn holy." Sirius didn't reply, he just took another bite of his treacle tart and watched Remus leave the kitchens.
--
"Prongs," Sirius said quietly as he watched James' eyes follow the redheaded beauty that was Lily Evans as she entered the Transfiguration classroom. Lily stopped and gave James a smile before taking her seat next to Mary MacDonald.
"Yeah?" James answered dazedly.
"Will you do me a favor?" Sirius asked.
"Of course, like you even have to ask," James replied lightly, ruffling his hair and flashing Lily a wink. Lily blew him a kiss in return and James grinned.
"Ask Lily to keep an eye on McKinnon," Sirius whispered as Professor McGonagall stepped into the room.
James frowned turning to look at him. "What? What for?"
Shaking his head Sirius flipped to the correct page in his Transfiguration book. "Just have her keep an eye on her."
"This has to do with the other night, doesn't it?" James queried almost resentfully. Sirius gave him a curt nod.
Sirius rarely kept secrets from him, but it was obvious that he wasn't going to share this one. "Alright, then," James agreed, flicking his eyes to the dark-haired Marlene McKinnon as she scribbled something down in her notes.
--
"What did you get for number twenty-six?" Marlene asked the freckled boy beside her peering over his arm and at his parchment. She bit her lip as she contemplated the spiky marks and figures on his page. "Never mind, you didn't get it right either."
"Oh," Benjy Fenwick laughed shoving her a bit. She smiled faintly and went back to problem number twenty-six. He stared at her concernedly for a moment, before placing his quill on the desk. "Marley, are you alright? You've been… off since Christmas."
Marlene shook her head. "I'm fine Ben, honest."
Their whispered conversation gained the attention of the other two sitting at the table in the library with them. "You are not, Marlene. You can tell us what the matter is, you know. We are your friends," Emmeline Vance informed her, rolling her eyes.
"Nothing is wrong," Marlene assured them scratching out something on her parchment.
Benjy prodded her with a finger. "Come on, Marley, what's the matter?" he said teasingly.
"Nothing," she answered batting his hand away.
When he didn't manage to get a smile, a giggle, or a sarcastic retort Benjy frowned. Something was so wrong and had been for such a long time. "Marley, come on. What's going on?"
Marlene swallowed. "It's just… the attack in Bristol, okay? It was awful close to home," she lied hiding behind a curtain of dark hair.
Benjy wrapped an arm around her shoulders not noticing the way she flinched and kissed the crown of her head. "It's okay. Everyone's a bit scared right now. We just gotta keep livin', you know?"
Marlene nodded, gently pulling away from him.
"Hey," said Lily Evans brightly, striding up to their table. "Mind if I join you lot? My regular study group has ditched me for Quidditch on the wireless."
"Not at all, Lily," replied Marlene, pointing out a vacant seat beside Emmeline. "Sit by Em. She'll want to pick your brain for Charms knowledge."
"Sounds good," chirped Lily, sliding into the seat beside Emmeline. "You all working on something different or what?"
Dorcas Meadows answered this time. "Yeah. Em and I do Charms, Transfiguration, and Runes; Marlene and Benjy do Arithmancy, Herbology, and Defense; then we switch so we all aren't stuck on the same thing at once."
Lily nodded, smiling brightly and pulling out her Charms homework. "Right, so Charms it is then." She started her essay, discussing this or that with Dorcas and Emmeline, discreetly watching Marlene as she did. She didn't know exactly why she was watching her; James had just asked her to.
Lily and Marlene had never really been friends, but they did talk on occasion and shared the same dormitory. Honestly, Lily didn't know too much about her, but that didn't stop her from noticing the change now that someone had pointed it out. There was definitely something different about the girl. Marlene was usually so bright, one of those people who could just light up a room with one cheery smile, who always had her foot in her mouth because she never thought before she spoke. Now though, she looked rather withdrawn, quiet, and just not herself.
Maybe it was just because she was studying. Lily had never studied with her before.
They had just switched subjects when James Potter entered the library along with his miscreant friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. "Lily, love!" James shouted, earning him a harsh 'shush' from the librarian and a scowl from his girlfriend. "Sorry," he stage whispered. "I just had the most brilliant idea, couldn't wait to tell you." He perched on the empty desk near her and started to explain his 'brilliant idea'.
Marlene felt his presence long before his arrival was announced, the sickening feeling of dread mixed with an absurd feeling of safety. She felt so drawn to him, but so wary at the same time, like a loyal dog returning to its abusive owner. Sirius dropped into the empty chair beside her and she tensed her grip on her quill tightening until her knuckles turned white. Benjy noticed and slipped his free hand to her knee.
Oh, it made her ill. Why did he keep touching her?
She sat there for as long as she possibly could, stuck between the overwhelming concern from Benjy and the dominating presence of Sirius Black. Rubbing her eyes and yawning she began packing up her books and paper. "I think I am going to go have a bit of a nap. Didn't sleep much last night," she faked another yawn, "I'll see you at dinner later."
"You want me to walk you up?" asked Benjy as she stood.
"Nah." She smiled. "It's way out of your way. I'll be fine on my own." Tossing her bag over her shoulder she waved before disappearing out the doors.
Sirius tossed his hair out of his eyes leaning back on the two legs of his chair as he watched her go. She shouldn't be alone, he thought to himself.
But then, why did he care? If he didn't care, why did he tell James to have Lily look after her? Why was he bothered over the fact that she was walking up to the tower alone? Damn girl was screwing with his head.
Inwardly cursing himself he stood. "Well, I think I have filled my quota for library time this year. I'm off to do something unruly," he told the group, flashing them a smirk before slowly striding from the room.
Quickly catching sight of her just around the corner he called, "Hey, McKinnon." Her relaxed posture vanished as the sound of his voice flooded her ears. When she didn't stop Sirius frowned. "McKinnon, wait," he called after her, taking on a more commanding tone.
She stopped. 'Go. Go! Why hell are you just standing here?' Marlene's mind frantically yelled at her, but her feet stayed rooted to the spot.
As he strode up beside her, her feet finally gave in and started moving again. Sirius casually fell into time with the slow pace of her little girl sashay. That was the only way he could think to describe the way she walked. It was like the walk of a woman and a child at the same time.
They walked in a rather tense silence, though an outsider might have thought it companionable, for quite a distance before Sirius spoke. "You aren't a very good liar, you know. It was obvious you were trying to avoid me."
"Oh really," Marlene answered raising an eyebrow. "I'm glad it appeared that way as it wasn't you I was trying to get away from."
Sirius paused for half a beat. "Oh, not avoiding me? Then who, pray tell, are you running from?"
Shrugging, Marlene adjusted her bag on her shoulder, tossing her hair out of her face. "Not running per se, more like just putting some space between us for a while."
"Who?" Sirius asked impatiently.
"Benjy," Marlene replied, becoming annoyed with her messy hair that just so desperately wanted to hang in her face and twisting it up in a sloppy bun.
Sirius cringed as he watched her yank her hair up into a bun violently. Didn't she realize what she was doing to it?
"Fenwick? I thought you were fucking the little Hufflepuff pussy," he asked.
"Crude, Black," Marlene muttered.
"Well, aren't you?" he prodded. With a short shake of her head they turned the corner.
Sirius watched as she tensed again her hand involuntarily moving to hover over her abdomen before she clenched her fist and forced it back down by her side. Great time to become protective, Marley, after the child is already dead, Marlene mentally hissed at herself.
Glancing around for what caused the reaction Sirius found the ginger haired Conroy Avery and greasy Severus Snape leaning up against the wall, chattering in hushed tones. He discreetly edged closer to her letting his hand hover near the small of her back as if he was guiding her through the hall. "Well, you two sure have the whole school thinking that."
"Who cares what the whole school thinks?" Marlene asked slowly relaxing as he crowded her personal space, sending that absurd notion of safety through her again. Whatever he had done to her seemed to have had some sort of lingering effect.
Sirius shrugged. "Dunno. So, why are you 'putting some space' between you, then?"
"He keeps touching me," said Marlene faintly, cursing herself for answering.
Frowning, Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "Hasn't he always?"
"Exactly," Marlene replied.
"It's just never bothered you before," Sirius said in understanding. Marlene didn't respond, she just adjusted her bag again and shoved her hands into her pockets.
After a while she said softly, "I… apologize, for what I… insinuated, the other day," not looking up at him. Sirius gave a terse nod, but didn't comment. "I just… I haven't been myself lately."
He nodded again, before saying, "You need to go see Poppy. If you tell her not to ask questions, she won't. You can't go through something like that and not see a Healer. What if there is something wrong?"
Marlene shook her head. "There isn't. I saw a Muggle doctor over Christmas break. I'm fine."
"A Muggle doctor?" Sirius asked concernedly.
Laughing, Marlene tucked an errant curl behind her ear. "Yes, a Muggle doctor. And before you start acting all prejudiced on me, remember they kept Evans alive for the first eleven years of her life."
"Didn't mean to sound prejudice." Sirius shrugged. "Old habits die hard, I suppose."
"Yeah," Marlene murmured biting her lip. "We all have our prejudices anyway. Despite the fact that we like to think otherwise."
"You Miss McKinnon?" Sirius almost chuckled. "Prejudice against what?" Glancing down at the floor Marlene just shrugged.
Stopping and gazing up at him as they reached the staircase that led to Gryffindor Tower Marlene shook her head slowly. "What are you doing, Black?"
"Walking you back up to Gryffindor Tower," he answered with a cocky grin.
"You know what I mean," Marlene said softly.
He tucked the same errant curl behind her ear almost smiling at the way her eyes tried to flutter closed as his fingers grazed her skin. "We were on our way to having a decent conversation, you know."
"You've made me second guess myself," she murmured distractedly watching his hand slip into his pocket.
"I noticed," was his simple response as he turned and began climbing the stairs.
"That doesn't mean I believe you. I just… maybe I am wrong," she called hurrying to fall into step with him. He didn't respond.
When they reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, Sirius muttered the password. As the portrait swung open he placed his hand on the frame and gestured for Marlene to enter.
"McKinnon," he said quietly, letting his free hand rest on her abdomen, "this, wasn't your fault. Whether you believe me or not, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't responsible for that." Her hazel eyes glossed over with tears and she inclined her head just a fraction before climbing through the portrait hole.
Sirius let the portrait fall closed and the Fat Lady smiled kindly at him. "Why Mr. Black, have we found a bit of compassion?"
Endnotes:
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