Danse Russe
Chapter 4
Into my head is out of my mind
Sirius Black stood beside his bed staring down at the girl tucked under the red and gold sheets. Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply he leaned over and brushed a dark curl out of her face allowing his fingers to linger on her freckled cheek. Merlin, he didn't know what to think of her anymore.
It had been less than a month ago that Marlene McKinnon had been so easy to define; so easy to place in the boxes of his mind, stick a label on her and store her away with all the other unimportant nobodies in his life. Now though, it wasn't like that; he couldn't do that. She had gone from that annoying little girl who was always twittering on about something or another in the common room, to a quiet, confusing, depressed shadow of herself, to this broken shell of a girl, who was trying so damn hard to pretend she was whole.
Sighing he tugged her blankets up a little higher, tucking them under her chin and smoothed her hair one more time before turning his attention to the stone basin on the bedside table. He picked it up and gently placed it on the floor before sitting cross-legged beside it. Swirling the contents with the tip of his wand he watched her face ripple across the silver surface before he plunged inside.
Marlene was standing awkwardly; one foot in the air, bent slightly at the knee, her arms above her head kinked in odd directions. "Come on, it's really easy, I can't stand like this forever, you know?" she complained laughingly as a group of students in the Ancient Runes classroom stared at her. Several of the students in the front of the room were glaring or rolling their eyes, but those surrounding her had puzzled looks about their faces along with cheery smiles.
Sirius couldn't prevent the grin that pulled at the corners of his lips. This was the Marlene McKinnon he remembered from the past: all smiles, obnoxiously loud and not giving a damn about the opinions of those who judged her. Despite the fact that those very qualities that made him dislike her before he found himself very endeared to the girl in the memory playing before his eyes.
"Marley, are you sure that it is a logogram?" Dorcas Meadows asked her eyes squinting in a frown. "You don't look like one to me."
Unable to hold the position any longer Marlene dropped to the floor in a heap. "It is a logogram, I was 'and,'" she informed them rolling her eyes.
"You so did not look like 'and,'" Benjy Fenwick laughed throwing his book at her.
"I did too," she whined climbing up off the floor. "Alright, somebody else try."
"Actually, Ms. McKinnon," the short, squat Professor Babbling called from the front of the room. "I need you to run Professor Darling a message for me."
"Alright," Marlene replied grabbing her book bag and stuffing her book and notes inside before skipping up to the professor. "Do I just go to Herbology early, then?" she asked and the squat witch nodded. Sirius had no doubts that had been the professor's intention from the beginning because as Marlene left the room her playmates lost interest in the game and returned to studying silently.
Sirius walked through the solid oak door as if he were nothing more than air and trotted off after Marlene as she tottered down the hall. As she turned the corner Marlene cringed and shivered in cold. "Mr. Peeves, must you do that?" she laughed and the ghost chuckled bobbing over her head.
"Oh, yes, Missy Miss Kinnon, Peevesie must," he informed her turning upside down and bobbing about above her head as she made her way down the corridor.
"You gots anything for Mr. Peeves?" he asked, his translucent eyebrows high on he forehead.
Marlene smiled and Sirius frowned confusedly. Peeves is… nice to her? "Well, Mr. Peeves, what have you got for me?"
"Aye, Missy Miss, you is a cunning one, you know? Always wanting something." He crossed his arms and pouted a bit.
"Yes. Well, if I just gave you what you wanted without asking for something in return, we wouldn't have an equal partnership, Mr. Peeves and I don't want our relationship to be unbalanced. You'd take advantage of me," Marlene explained shrugging and digging in her bag.
"Damn you," he cursed her and Marlene chuckled. Sighing dejectedly Peeves removed his hat and pulled out several bits of parchment. "Stationary from McGonagall, Slughorn, Babbling, and Darling," he told her as he held the scraps of paper just above her reach.
"No Sprout?" Marlene asked frowning.
Peeves glared at her. "Little girl, Peevesie has told you: I do not go into the greenhouses!"
"Well." Marlene shook her head sighing dramatically. "She has an office, you know?"
"Do you want them or not?" Peeves huffed.
Grinning, Marlene held out a large box of Dooble's Best Blowing Gum above her head. "Of course," she said as he quickly took the gum and shoved the stationary into her hand. "I don't know why you don't just steal the stuff Peeves. There are plenty of innocent little first years that leave it about."
Peeves cringed wrinkling his nose. "They put their grubby ickle hands all over it, shove it in their pockets. Peevesie doesn't want their germs."
"You're dead, Peeves," Marlene laughed.
"Missy Miss understands so little to be so bright," Peeves said sadly, popping a piece of gum in his mouth.
"'Til next time." He bowed to her before disappearing through the ceiling.
Sirius stared at Marlene in shock as she stuffed the parchment in her book bag. Allies with Peeves. I haven't even managed that.
He continued to follow her down the many staircases to the first floor and through the winding corridors until they reached the Defense classroom. Marlene pressed her ear against the door listening for sounds of students inside. Satisfied with whatever she discovered she pulled back and removed her wand from behind her ear, whispering a charm and drawing a complicated hieroglyph across her front. Sirius frowned as a blue aura surrounded her, crisscrossing in the shape of dozens of little shields before evaporating into nothing. He had never seen a shield charm like that before.
Shoving the door open Marlene stepped inside and a bright green hex bounced off her and flew through Sirius. "Ms. McKinnon!" Professor Darling shouted shuffling through the room of flying curses and hexes. "Perfected that shield charm then?" he asked as another curse bounced off her.
Marlene nodded. "Yeah, still drains me to keep it up for long, though. I'm sure that isn't supposed to happen," she yelled over the breaking of glass as the students in the room waged their own war. "It doesn't really matter though, the institute only requires it to work for three minutes, and it'll hold for ten before I collapse."
"Oh," Darling said shocked, "you are well on your way then."
"Hopefully," Marlene said shrugging. "Wish I wouldn't have dropped Potions. Andre mentioned something about the extra NEWT really helping him out."
"They would be stupid not to take you, Ms. McKinnon. Even if you are as dismal at potion making as I have heard," the professor told her shielding himself as a hex flew his way.
"Thanks, Professor." Marlene grinned widely.
"And, what are you here for exactly?"
"Oh, Professor Babbling sent me with this," she informed him holding out the parchment and ducking as another curse flew at her.
"Ah, good, good. About that Rodolfo boy, I am sure," replied the balding professor, wiping his hands on his robes before taking the scroll from her. "See you after lunch then, Ms. McKinnon," he said patting her on the back.
Marlene grinned and turned for the door, but as she reached for the knob a curse blasted the frame showering her in slivers of wood. "Ah, best use the other door," Darling hollered.
Nodding, Marlene edged close to the wall and scurried across the room, weaving in and out of the way of students and curses while Sirius followed her, simply breezing through the various obstacles in his way. As they neared the door, the ginger haired Conroy Avery stepped in front of Marlene. "Oh," she exclaimed as she almost ran into him. "Pardon me," she mumbled, trying to edge around him.
"Hey, kitty-cat, how are you?" He smirked trying to cup her cheek.
Marlene's brows wrinkled into a frown and she jerked away from him. "I wasn't aware that I resembled a cat," she muttered sarcastically, pushing past him.
He grabbed her arm, shoving her against the wall, nuzzling against her neck. "Get off," Marlene whispered darkly, jabbing her wand under his chin.
"Aw, the little kitty doesn't want to play anymore," cooed Avery, worming his hand under her shirt. "But you played so well before, little kitty."
Suddenly bright burn marks erupted across the skin of Avery's neck, spreading out from the tip of Marlene's wand and he released her as the burning pain overwhelmed him.
"You little bitch," he hissed, stepping away from her.
"Stay the fuck away from me, Avery," Marlene said dangerously her eyes flashing in rage before whipping out of the room.
Sirius waited a moment watching Avery attempt to stop the burns from spreading further before he followed her out. He found her leaning up against the wall tears pooling in her eyes as she gripped her head in her hands. "Fuck," she whimpered. "Not now. I can't. Not now."
"Shit, Marlene," Sirius murmured, moving to stand in front of her. He tried to touch her, to comfort her in some small way, but he couldn't, this had already happened, he wasn't there.
"I knew the fucking bastard wasn't talented enough to erase a memory correctly. I should have been watching out for this," Sirius muttered, cursing himself as if it was his fault her memories came flooding back to her so suddenly. He watched fear, guilt, humiliation, and anger roll over her as the memories played in her mind silently.
Slowly she slid down the wall and pulled her knees to her chest, gulping for air as she tried to stop her tears. "You're okay, Marlene," she muttered to herself. "It's over and you're fine. You're just fine."
As she attempted to console herself Sirius just stood there staring blankly. There was nothing he could do.
After a long while Marlene stood on shaking legs and started down the hall heading down to the ground floor and the Great Hall. Sirius walked along side her watching her wipe away tears with shaking hands. "Fuck," he cursed aloud as he realized she was just going to carry on with her day, just pick herself up and go to her next class. "McKinnon? Are you dense?" he asked, but she didn't even notice him.
They traveled down the corridor and as they came across the entrance to the dungeons a loud bang from the Potions classroom echoed through the hall and Marlene froze. Sirius cursed James as her eyes went wide with panic and she frantically scanned the hall. It was as if the noise cracked what little sense of strength and reality she had left and she fell completely to bits, into memories of the past.
The sound of screams and laughter carried up into the hall and she bolted. Sirius took off after her as her footsteps pounded on the stone tile. He caught up to her as she huddled up in the small alcove near the Entrance Hall. "Please, don't let them find me. Please, I can't. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts," she murmured frantically, her entire being trembling.
"McKinnon?" Sirius heard himself mutter before the sound of his hurried footsteps filled his ears.
"No. No. No. Please. I don't want to. Please," Marlene begged pressing herself up against the wall and Sirius watched himself kneel down beside her.
"McKinnon?" he asked and Marlene's eyes seemed to click into focus.
"McKinnon, are you okay?"
As she started to ramble incoherently the memory faded out and Sirius found himself staring at Hogwarts front gates.
McKinnon was gazing down at a piece of paper in her hands. Her face and hands lit up by the feeble blue glow from the tip of her wand. "Peeves, this better not be some sort of joke," she muttered under her breath shoving the parchment in her pocket. Slowly striding to the edge of the gates she jammed a finger into a hole in-between two bricks, frowning and mumbling about Peeves and his harebrained ideas.
"Oi!" one of the flying boars at the top of the gate screeched. "What you doing down there girly?"
Marlene grinned stepping up in front of the gates again. "Headmaster sent me down to pick up an order from the Hog's Head. Told me to prod that knot thing in the hole and you'd let me out," she told the boar and it rolled with laughter.
"Here that Ivan? Headmaster's sending the students to pick up his booze. Real winner we got this time." The other boar snorted and the gates melted away.
"You be careful girly. Hear tell there is some dark business afoot these days," Ivan called warningly as Marlene strolled up the path.
"Will do!" she yelled back, waving merrily.
Suddenly a great silver mist blew across the scene and Sirius blinked several times watching the path to Hogsmeade with little Marlene strolling along fade away. "Shit," he cursed as he found himself standing in a tiny kitchen. Evidently, the memory was corrupted.
Pounding music filled the air as Marlene danced in front of a little stove bobbing her head causing her dark braid to sway. "London calling to the zombies of death. Quit holding now and draw another breath," she sang quietly her voice lost in the sound surrounding her. Sirius smiled softly. She looked quite cute dancing there in her little pajamas.
"Marley!" someone yelled and Sirius turned around and a dark haired, freckled man stumbled through him. "Marlene, a dull roar, love. I pulled a double last night," he said, roughly running a hand over his stubble-covered chin.
Grinning, Marlene placed a cup of coffee in the man's hand. "Moody Flooed, he needs you there in an hour. You came in late. Didn't want to risk seeing what's-her-name's peachy ass."
He wrapped his arm around her, hugging her close and kissing her head. "I got rid of what's-her-name and her perfect peachy little ass after the incident at Easter."
"Really?" Marlene said, stunned. "You didn't have to do that."
"Mm," he mumbled ignoring her comment and peering over her head and into the skillet. "Omelets?"
"Yeah," she answered turning back to the stove.
"Did the twins ever come in last night?" the man asked as he hopped up unto the counter, sloshing a bit of coffee on his bare chest. "Shit."
Marlene tossed him a towel as if she had expected it to happen. "Yeah, around one or two. They'll sleep all day."
"Marlene! Dear God! It's early. What the fuck are you doing, pounding that shit? Other people live here!" another male voice roared and the man on the counter chuckled.
"Mungo's Flooed! You're working overtime!" Marlene yelled and a muffled "fucking hell!" rang back.
"Damn, first day of the summer and it looks like you'll be spending it alone. I'll talk with Moody and see if I can get some time off. I don't want you spending the whole summer trapped here by yourself," the man on the counter said and Marlene just shrugged, flipping her omelet.
"It's not a big deal, Mark. I think I can manage to keep myself entertained."
He ruffled her hair. "Nah, you shouldn't be alone. Make the idiots get up before noon."
Sirius grinned as another man entered the room and grabbed Marlene by the waist making her dance with him. "Mathew! My omelet is going to burn," she screeched trying to get away from him.
"Omelets? With bacon?" he asked, eagerly sniffing the air before letting her go and moving to the stove.
"As if you can have an omelet without bacon," Marlene replied shoving him away. "Coffee is behind Mark."
Mathew kissed her cheek before turning for the coffee. "Why can't all women be like you? I mean, I went out with this girl last week who didn't eat meat or white foods. They all eat like… rabbit food or something."
"I suggest finding a bird raised by a group of ravenous men and then she'll have a normal appetite," Marlene said jokingly as the silvery mist gusted up again.
When the mist cleared Sirius was no longer standing in the tiny little kitchen with Marlene and her brothers, but a small suite containing Marlene, Avery, and some man Sirius didn't recognize. Marlene was writhing on the cream carpeted floor, her screams echoing off the walls as the tall dark unknown man pointed his wand at her.
"Little bitch bit me. Tried to rip off my ear," he said conversationally to Avery gesturing to the blood running down his neck.
"McKinnon is a feisty one." Avery smirked watching her twist and turn in agony with some sort of sick pleasure. "How'd you manage to get her? She wasn't in the castle?"
The dark man smiled revealing crooked, white teeth as he shrugged. "Nah. Must have been sneaking out or something. Walked right to me. I just grabbed her and Disapparated." He jerked his wand upward and his curse lifted leaving Marlene sputtering and gasping in the floor. "Ah, well, suppose that's the end of my fun. Happy Halloween, mate." He clapped Avery on the back and started for the door.
"Hell, Travers, stick around; go get a drink or something. You can have sloppy seconds," Avery offered, grinning.
Travers raised an eyebrow. "You know, usually I'd say no to that, but I think the bitch needs to be taught a lesson. Damn ear smarts like hell." Avery grinned again as Travers disappeared through the door.
Marlene managed to climb to her feet as the men held their little mocking conversation. "Fucking bastard," she muttered as Avery turned to her.
"Now, now, no need for such harsh language, Marlene," Avery murmured, striding over to her. Marlene stood perfectly still as he cupped her cheek, brushing her sweat-soaked locks out of her face. "You are quite pretty, you know that, McKinnon?" he said arrogantly, running his other hand under her shirt.
Marlene raised her chin and spat in his face. "Get your fucking hands off me," she hissed, fisting his red hair in her hands and slamming it downward as she brought her knee up. The sound of his nose breaking echoed throughout the tiny room as Marlene dashed for the door.
She realized her mistake too late and her chin collided with the floor as he gripped her ankle. "Fucking hell, Marlene! Kick the bastard when he is down," she raged at herself as Avery grabbed her arm and yanked her onto her knees.
If it hadn't been for the gravity of the situation Sirius would have laughed at the way she rolled her eyes muttering on and on about what great help all her defense training was as she didn't seem to find necessary to put any of it to use.
A sharp slap silenced her and she glowered up at Avery. "Can we just get this over with? I am sure heaven is an interesting place," she asked sardonically.
Avery laughed scornfully. "What makes you think you are going to die, Marlene?"
Fear flashed through her hazel eyes and Sirius swallowed. "Oh, darling, I'm not going to kill you. I'm not allowed to kill you. You're a student, McKinnon. We don't want Dumbledore to think we have access to his students."
"What's to keep me from telling him? Shit, Avery, you've just confessed to being one of them. Don't think that I won't tell. You'll spend the rest of eternity in Azkaban." Her mind seemed to be clicking along a lot faster than Sirius' because he was still mauling over the "we."
"Death Eaters," he mumbled as Avery placed Marlene under the Cruciatus Curse once more. Sirius stomach churned at the sight of Avery's delighted expression as he watched her writhe in pain.
Tears were streaming down Marlene's cheeks and her nose was bleeding when Avery finally lifted the curse. "Fuck," she whimpered rolling to her side and she tried regain control of her twitching limbs.
Avery chuckled. "Not quite yet, love, but we will be getting to that. First, you are going to suck me and then you'll do it again. And then maybe, if you a good job, I'll fuck you."
Wiping the blood from her nose on the back of her hand Marlene sat up. "You come near with that fucking wart you try to pass off as a dick and I'll remove it," she growled, coughing up blood.
"Imperio," Avery hissed and Sirius was almost thankful that the silver mist swirled up around him again.
He found himself standing on the Hogwarts Express staring at James and himself chatting lightly as they walked toward their compartment.
"I don't know, Prongs," the memory of Sirius said, shrugging as he and James slowly strode down the corridor to their usual compartment for the long train ride to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "It's just, she's never, you know, handled that kind of news well before."
James nodded. "But, she's never really liked me before either. I mean, the end of last year, we got on rather well, you know."
Sirius walked around himself as he ran his hand through his hair. "I suppose. Just don't get your hopes up, mate."
"I know." James sighed.
He was so distracted by watching himself come up with some sort of encouraging words for James he didn't even notice someone run smack into his memory self's chest. "Oomph," he gasped as the girl who tried to run him over fell onto the ground. Sirius gazed down at her and he smiled recognizing her.
Marlene was scurrying about to collect her things, her messy dark hair flying everywhere. "Damn, McKinnon, are you blind?" he heard himself say, and he glared at the haughty image. Why was he barking at her? It was just an accident.
Marlene's head shot up and she gave him a half-grin as James knelt down to help her pick up her things. "Nope, just didn't expect an ape to be standing in the middle of the corridor." She turned back down to her bag, shaking her head and searching for her wand. James handed it to her.
"Thanks, James," she said lightly, taking the wand and repairing her bag. Together they shoved the rest of her things into the oversized purse and she stood up.
Sirius frowned at himself as he stormed off toward the compartment. Am I always such a prick?
"Head Boy, huh?" Marlene asked James, smiling.
"Yeah, won't Evans be thrilled?" James chuckled tucking Marlene's hair behind her ear.
Shrugging, Marlene tossed her bag over her shoulder. "Ah, Lily isn't as spiteful as she seems. She is fed a lot of crap about you. Maybe this new arrangement will force her to open her eyes. You're a likable guy, James. She's just rather blind to it, 'cause of Snape. You know?"
James shook his head and rolled his eyes. "You know, Marley, Sirius and Remus have been trying to comfort me about this thing all summer, and it takes you less than half a minute and I feel like my cocky old self again."
"Well, just don't ruffle your hair. She hates that," Marley told him before waving goodbye and hurrying down the corridor again.
"See ya!" James called and she waved over her head again before disappearing into a compartment.
The silver mist fogged up around Sirius once more.
He was back in that same suite with Marlene and Avery. Sickness crashed over him as he watched her struggle to regain control over herself as she sat kneeling in front of the bastard, her face covered in semen. Her eyes kept clearing and fogging over again as she fought off the curse. "Clean yourself up," Avery demanded and Marlene moved to wipe her face on her sleeve.
"No, no, no," Avery said, smirking. "Like a cat." Sirius shook his head frantically and tears spilled out of Marlene eyes as they continued wavering in and out of focus. Avery grabbed her hand, slowly dragging it across her forehead before holding it to her mouth.
"Lick it off."
Marlene choked, shaking her head.
"Now," Avery growled. Her eyes fogged over completely, leaving the sparkling hazel orbs blank and lifeless as she did as instructed. "Good, kitty, kitty," Avery cooed, petting her head.
Unable to choke down his disgust anymore Sirius pulled out of the Pensieve, retching on the wood floor of the boy's dormitory.
"Yeah, I did that too," whispered Marlene from behind him and he sat up turning to face her, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. She was standing in the doorway to the bathroom, buttoning her shirt, her hair was dripping wet and cut short around her chin. Brushing the wet curls out of her eyes, she glanced up at him. "How far did you get?"
"It's choppy," answered Sirius weakly. He hadn't expected her to be standing there, so calmly, so surely, so… unaffectedly. "Got a bit of breakfast with your brothers, sneaking out of the castle, Travers, and then… just the end with… the cat." He stumbled over the words, while vanishing his vomit and picking up the Pensieve.
Marlene nodded. "Don't watch the rest." Her eyes fell closed and she shook her head. "That was enough."
"Okay," he answered quietly, placing the basin on his bedside table, letting her keep her secrets if she wanted. Marlene strode over to it swirling her wand over the substance held within until the wisp of memory latched on and she placed it back in her head before retrieving the second one.
"I, uh, like your hair," Sirius muttered as the silent moment turned to a long string of time.
With a tiny laugh Marlene brushed away a tear. "Yeah, so do I."
"Do you…" He paused, not knowing exactly what to say. "Want me to take you to Dumbledore?"
Shaking her head Marlene ran her fingers into her hair. "No. I'm not going to Dumbledore. I can't go to Dumbledore."
"What?" Sirius frowned darkly watching her scratch her head as if she was tracing something with a finger.
"Black," she started, dropping her hand and drying her hair with a flick of her wand. "What good would it do? Do you realize what is going on in the Ministry right now? They are not going to take the word of some random Muggle-born girl over a pureblood. They won't."
"Of course, they will. They have to you're telling the truth," he said stupidly.
Drawing another complicated shape on her scalp Marlene rolled her eyes. "Don't be dense, Black," she scoffed before striding around him.
He grabbed her arm and she screamed ripping away from him in frantic fear. "Shit, I'm sorry," Sirius cursed shoving his hands in his pockets.
Chewing his bottom his in nervousness he watched her bite down sobs and fight to regain her self-control. "S' alright," Marlene sniffed after a moment tracing another figure on her scalp, keeping her distance from him.
"What are you doing?" Sirius asked in confusion. The anxious way she kept doodling on her head beginning to worry him.
Marlene stared at him blankly for a moment. "Oh, um, it's a protective set of runes," she explained, drawing the figures in the air with a finger. "They are easy to break if you know that they are there, but if not, they can keep others out of your head." Glancing down at the floor she shrugged embarrassedly. "If you place them correctly, you can prevent your mind from accessing certain thoughts or memories without directly seeking them. I'm decent with runes I started looking for an answer in some old texts after… well, you know, so I could sleep. They don't last long, about four hours, but it gives you a chance to make it through the day, without… Well, doing something like that," she said referring to her earlier reaction to his touch.
Confusion still marred Sirius' handsome face. "Wait, what do you mean? Without directly seeking them?"
"Dreaming… or like… triggers. You know, like when you see something and it causes you to remember something else? It prevents that," she said softly, slowly walking over to his bed. Sighing, she dropped down and started tugging on her boots.
Sirius carefully sat down beside her avoiding touching her, but unwilling to stay far away. "Where are you going, McKinnon?"
"I'm already late for Herbology," she answered shortly not looking up at him.
"McKinnon," he breathed, tucking a short frizzy curl behind her ear. "You should just stay here. Sleep. You're pale. You're tired. You've been through a lot, Marlene. You just—"
Cutting him off Marlene shoved his hand away from her, gazing up at him determinately. "I went through a lot almost four months ago, Black. Not today. I am not going to let that bastard think he affected me." Closing her eyes tightly, she chewed her bottom lip. "Listen. Thank you, but I am fine now. Honestly, it's not even so much that— What they— What he did was vile, but I just…"
She placed her hand over her abdomen. "It was nothing compared to this, okay? So, don't worry about me. I am perfectly capable of handling this on my own."
With a sigh, Sirius decided to let her at least think he conceded.
"So, Peeves?" he asked, smiling slightly.
"He has a penchant for gum," Marlene answered with a grin.
Endnote:
1) Thank you for reading. Please review if you have the time.