Disclaimers: See chap 1

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!!! I know that the first 4 chapters are a bit dark but Sara's childhood isn't that bright...but as you know..there is a light at the end of every tunnel...but for how long...

Chapter 5

When we were 16 we both, Brian and I, gained early admission to Harvard. We took it with both hands. I studied Theoretical Physics and Brian English Literature. We studied hard, but partied even harder….

At one of those parties I met Jules, short for Julianne but she really hated that name. Jules was two years older than me, she was even taller than me, had short brown hair and the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. I stepped into one of the dorms where the party was held and noticed her standing by the fireplace with a plastic cup in her hand. The sight of her took my breath away and a nice and warm feeling spread through my body. I was unable to do or say anything, I just stood there taking in the 'view'. That feeling made me feel really strange inside.

Some people once told me that when you saw the most beautiful thing on earth, you would feel it in every fiber of your body. Now, I knew what they meant. It was like seeing a piece of art for the first time and you reach out to touch it. Or when you went hiking and you came on a spot where no one had ever been. Pure and untouched, waiting for you to explore, to feel, to smell, to taste. That's why I like science, it isn't real unless you can prove it. She was my experiment and I wanted to prove that my theory was correct. 'Sidle, I mean come on, what the hell are you thinking about! Hello, never go on first impression, you don't even know the girl…' She was talking with some other people, I can't even remember what they look like and she was laughing, suddenly she turned her head and locked eyes with me. What are the odds… I still hadn't moved an inch and was staring at her unashamedly, she noticed and did the same, she gave me a once over and I felt a blush creep over my cheeks. 'No one ever gave me a once over! Never! Okay, I probably wore the wrong clothes, or maybe there is something wrong with my face or…Sidle! Stop babbling, you look like a mental case!'

I was very nervous and for the first time I took my eyes off of her. I started after my brother, who already made his way over to the punch bowl. 'Need a drink! Now!' I took the drink he offered me and emptied it in one gulp. Then another one. What was happening with me, I never felt something like that before. Well actually I did, I had the same feeling when I was with my first best friend Angie, only now it had intensified. I danced a bit and hung out with my friends, but I didn't dare to look around the room, I was still too nervous to face her again. No such luck, because she thought differently. When I needed to rest for a moment, she went over to the couch I was sitting in and she sat down next to me. 'Okay Sara, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, in and out, in and out. She is just sitting next to you, no biggie. This is a free country, she can sit wherever she wants to. It's not like she is actually going to talk to you.'

She remained quiet for a couple of minutes as if she was waiting for me to start a conversation. Maybe she wanted an apology for my staring fest… "Hi, I'm Jules. I saw you sta…watching me when you came in. Saw something you like?" 'Helloho… person she talked to …just answer her question. It is really rude to just ignore people, you know! Oh my! She is actually talking to me!' Her voice was soft and sweet. I knew I was lost. I opened my mouth but no words came out. What was wrong with me… I never acted like this before. When I finally managed to say something, we started a conversation about everything and nothing. We discovered we had a lot in common and became friends. Very close friends I might add, because we were almost inseparable. We hung out everyday, and I wasn't that nervous anymore around her.

My feelings became stronger and stronger. She even appeared in my dreams, which was a really good thing, because although it were rather disturbing dreams, they were 1000 times better than the nightmares I had almost every night. I said disturbing, well I dreamed that we did all kinds of stuff we do when we spend time together but when we said goodbye, something changed… We always started kissing and not a sweet kiss on the cheek kinda kiss, no a really passionate, blood racing, heartbeat increasing kinda kiss. And after a couple of weeks my dreams became even more passionate, we almost always ended up naked on a bed and… I think I didn't even have the words to describe what happened then. But the visions weren't the disturbing part, what disturbed me the most was that I really really liked it. I woke bathing in my own sweat, feeling happy and frustrated that it was just a dream. Maybe I don't make much sense, but this was difficult for me, I can't explain what I felt because this was all new to me…

Weeks passed but I never talked about my dreams with Jules or anyone for that matter. I still didn't understand what they meant and where they came from. Because I was too afraid to speak about all the things I was going through, I became a little distant, I started to close myself off. When you act like nothing is going on, you can't accidently speak about it…right? My brother noticed the change in me, but he kept quiet, I think he didn't want to push me. Jules noticed it too, but she knew me well enough by now to not push the matter.

One day I couldn't go through with it anymore, I really had to talk to someone because I was afraid I was going insane. I couldn't talk to Jules about it, what if she thought I was some kind of freak, I couldn't risk losing her, so I went to the only person I could talk to about everything (or almost everything), Brian.

"Brian, do you have a minute, I need to talk about something." I asked a bit nervous. Which is strange because me and my brother could talk about everything. I know he would support me, even when he knew it was something stupid, he was always behind me.

"For you, I'm all ears." So I told him about the first time I met Jules and about my dreams and my feelings. "Wow…" was all he said, some thoughts crossed his mind, I saw it in his eyes, I saw confusion and something else but I didn't know what, because he remained silent I became nervous and started to walk away.

"You know what, forget it…" Apparently there was one topic we couldn't talk about. I really felt hurt. This is the first time he wouldn't support me! This is the biggest thing in my life and he doesn't support me!

"Sar wait!" I stopped. "Don't go, I'm sorry I didn't say more but I didn't expect this. I mean I didn't expect you would talk to me about it." I didn't say anything, so he went on. "I knew there was something going on between the two of you but I never thought you would want to speak with me about it. You know, because it's your little secret." Now I was surprised, so he knew but didn't expect me to talk about it.

"No, it's not because Jules doesn't know this, I don't know what's going on with me, why I feel all those things…".I said.

He gave me a funny look "For someone as smart as you, you are really socially inept." He laughed a bit and I couldn't help but laugh too, because he was right. "Sar, you are in 'love' with her…" He emphasized the word 'love'. I stopped laughing, I stopped breathing too. What? Me in love with Jules… Nah! He was kidding right?

I left without another word and went to my room. I fell on my bed and started to think. After several long minutes, maybe even hours, I had to admit that he was right again. I was in love with Jules. Although I was still confused, I was glad too, because some great weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could act normal again. I decided to keep my feelings to myself because I didn't know how I could tell Jules. Between us everything was still great, we talked and talked and had fun, went to parties, passed out together, and other crazy stuff.

Until one afternoon when our classes were cancelled…it was a beautiful day so we decided to sit outside in the sun. We had a light conversation, as always. Like I said we talked about everything, except our parents. I was afraid that she would once start to question me about them, so it was safer to beat her to it. "Jules, how are your parents? We talk about everything but…" I trailed off, Jules expression changed from happy to thoughtful then hurt. 'Good one Sidle!' I immediately regretted my question but before I could say something, she composed herself visibly and started to tell me her story. Well, it wasn't a nice one, it reminded me much of my own childhood. "Yeah, I know what it's like, the trips to the hospital…" She stopped talking and just watched me. I didn't realize I had spoken until I saw the look of concern on her face.

"Sar, you're…uh…did you…" she was clearly short of words. As she was talking all color had left my face and I started to feel really sick when long suppressed memories found their way to my mind again. Finally she found her voice.

"Sar, are you okay?" the concern in her voice made my eyes become wet with tears.

"I … I can't tell you." She looked even more hurt, so I added. "But you can read it." I stood up and went towards my dorm. She followed me, probably confused by my actions. When we were in my room, I lifted a box from under my bed and opened it, inside were a couple of things I collected throughout the years that mean a lot to me, there's also a book. I took it and handed it to her.

"You sit and read, I'm going for a walk any questions you might have you can ask me later." I couldn't stand to be in the same room with that book opened. It was my diary, every day from the day my brother left till the day Laura killed Matthew I had written in it. After that day I never opened it again, I don't need the book to remind me, the scars and memories are enough to make sure I will never ever forget what happened. But I couldn't throw it away either.

So I walked and walked, not knowing what my destination was going to be. Several hours later I returned, I thought Jules would have left by now but she hadn't. She just sat there on my bed, she didn't say anything, she just watched me. For a moment it looked like the book was untouched and she hadn't read it. Then she motioned for me to sit next to her, I obeyed.

"They were even worse than my parents." she said in an even tone.

We sat there, in silence, for a while. She reached out, very slowly, as if she was not sure whether it was a good idea but she still did it and touched my hand, very softly and then squeezed it gently, locking eyes with me. I drowned in her gaze and tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. She lend into the touch. Her left hand was still in mine, and I cupped her cheek with my free hand. A warm sensation shot through my body and without saying anything I brought my lips closer to hers, our lips were just inches apart. Without breaking the eye contact, I kissed her. My lips brushed against hers, she didn't pull away, she just closed her eyes and deepened the kiss. The jungle in my head can't rule my heart. This feeling is so much stronger than a thought. It's everything I wished for and until now I didn't know it existed. She gave me something... I can feel! She opened her eyes and looked at me. She let me look into those blue orbs, that gate to her soul, she let me touch her deepest 'she' and I returned that special gift. A longing I had for weeks, months, resulted in this one kiss. A simple kiss that shook my world upside down. I felt free, high… but most of all, I felt who I was. Jules did that to me. She opened the gate to… well, myself.

"I've wanted to do that for weeks now." Why was I being this honest… Damn my big mouth. She blushed and smirked. "I almost thought you never would …" Okay, did she just say that she was waiting… "But why didn't you say anything?" I asked a bit nervous.

"Because I was afraid that you would bolt and never come back, you know you're really open with me, but I always felt that you were not telling me everything. I began to mistake it for not daring to tell me you didn't have feelings for me. So…" She trailed off. We talked about our feelings for each other and discussed how we went on from there.

So we decided to date and after a couple of dates we made love for the first time. At first I was a bit afraid, it was the first time I let someone touch me and it was the first time someone saw me naked. I felt exposed but not in a good way, my memories came haunting me again, but when Jules touched me it was soft and loving and with it all my fears and doubts were erased.

It was the happiest period of my life but when the end of the school year came, something occurred to us that we hadn't thought of…Jules was a senior and she was leaving Harvard. My heart broke and I felt miserable. We talked about it and at first we decided to have a long distant relationship but something didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I felt like I was taking away her freedom and that's something I couldn't live with. Nobody has the right to do that to another person, except when you're a criminal and you end up in jail. So I told Jules that she should be free, that we were too young to have a commitment like that. She was angry and hurt, but eventually she agreed with me. We said our goodbyes and promised to keep in touch.

It's just a tiny light, I know, but maybe that light could get bigger who knows... :-) R&R please... next chapter will be up soon!