My name is Craig Dean and three days ago my life ended.
I always thought that would happen when I was old and frail. I thought that my life would be long and filled with happiness and that death wouldn't claim me until I was a very tired old man. But I'm still young, there was still so much life left to experience and yet life has now abandoned me.
There have been few times in my life when I felt truly happy, when I didn't worry that something bad would come along to ruin what I had, but I thought, for a while, I had finally found that one happiness that would last.
When I was young I thought my family was a happy one. The house was always filled with laughter and singing, until the day my dad left. That's when the laughter stopped, that's when I knew that no matter how good things were something was always waiting around the corner to take it from you.
When I met Sarah I thought that I'd discovered what love was. She was everything I had ever dreamed of. Bright, sexy, funny, I felt so proud to be walking down the street with her on my arm, I didn't think anything else could ever feel that good. I was wrong about that too!
One blonde haired blue-eyed boy changed everything, completely.
Now let me get one thing straight (no pun intended) I'm not gay you see. I've never fancied another bloke. Never imagined touching one, or kissing one, or making love to one. I'd never wondered how it would feel to have a man like him holding me, entering me, claiming me. It's not anything I'd ever thought about or anything I'd ever wanted.
But it's still something I did.
I'd known how he felt about me for ages. I'd hurt him for it and I'd hated him for it, but eventually I couldn't stop myself from loving him for it.
The first time I touched him, really touched him, I was terrified. It should have felt wrong, it should have disgusted me and appalled me but it didn't. It felt like the most perfect thing in the world and even then, even after how I acted, I knew it wouldn't stop. I knew I wouldn't stop.
It's funny what you think you can get away with in the name of love. The lies, the hurt and the betrayal. As long as I wrapped my actions within the words "it's because I love him" I would feel justified in what I did, to him, to her and even to myself.
Sarah had never deserved the way I treated her. Sneaking away at every opportunity just so that I could be with him. But then he never deserved it either, having to watch me be with her, having to listen to me promise that I would tell her only to change my mind at the last second. But it was alright, I was only doing it because I loved him. See how that works? I was doing it out of love so it was allowed!
In the end of course something had to give, something had to break. I always thought it would be me. That I wouldn't be able to hold in what I was doing, that the need and confusion in me would explode. I never expected it to be him. I never expected what he did or how he did it. I never expected how much I would hate him for exposing me for the cheat and the liar I was. And I never expected how much I would love him for freeing me from the lies and letting me be myself at last.
My name is Craig Dean and three days ago my life ended when, in reality, it felt as if my life had only just begun.
The freedom felt wonderful for a while. I was liberated and exhilarated and I knew that everything would be alright from that moment on. When I finally had the strength to stand in front of my family and tell them that I loved him I thought the hardest part was over.
I didn't realise that the hardest part was only just beginning. I didn't know that I would suddenly feel every pair of eyes constantly watching me and judging me. I could hear people calling me names, even in the silence, even when I was alone.
Getting away from them all seemed the perfect answer and, when I asked him to come to Dublin with me, the bright love shining in his eyes told me that it was the right choice. It was going to be me and him together and nothing would ever be able to come between us.
Except that I'd forgotten that no matter how good things are, something is always waiting around the corner to take it from you.
When I think about it now it seems ridiculous, but at that moment in time he might as well have asked me to climb Everest. He asked me to do one simple thing and I couldn't. I really couldn't. And I tried so hard. Every fibre of my being was calling out to him, wanting to take hold of him right there in front of all those watching, judging eyes but I couldn't.
All he had wanted was for me to kiss him. Like I had done a thousand times before. But I couldn't. Not wouldn't. COULDN'T.
I loved him, love him, but I couldn't be the man that he ultimately wanted and needed, the man that he deserved. I tried to tell him that things would be different in Dublin but we both knew that it was just words, just more empty promises falling from Craig Dean's mouth.
Watching him walk away was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but even then I couldn't do the one thing that would have made him stay.
And I realised that he couldn't live that life again, he couldn't face going back to the place we had fought so hard to escape from. Not wouldn't. COULDN'T.
Three days ago I was standing at an airport with the man I loved and I had to watch as he walked away.
That was the day my heart stopped beating, the day my life ended.
My name is Craig Dean and three days ago my life ended. Now I just have to find something worth living for again.