Disclaimer: see chapter 1

A/N: Fast update :-) Thanks for the reviews!!! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 18

I am so glad Catherine and I aren't feeling awkward around each other after we spent the night together. It was innocent, I know but the events prior weren't. We haven't really talked about the almost kiss, but I guess that wasn't necessary.

Catherine was just a bit drunk and probably also a bit frustrated, it has been a while since I have seen her with a guy. Maybe she's just being more careful and hides it a bit better than before. Either way, I'm not going to complain about not seeing Catherine with some jerk who uses her as much as she is using him.

It seems we are being more close since it happened, when we were at work we acted professional around each other like before, I think nobody noticed the change in our friendship but outside work we were totally different. Catherine invited me over for coffee after almost every shift, we have been on daytrips with Lindsey, which was fun and I have stayed the night with Catherine more than once because she needed someone to fall asleep with or thought I needed someone.

She was really nice to me and I tried to be there for both of them as much as I could. Sometimes I had the feeling there was still hope that things between Cath and me could become…well serious. But I'm still too much of a coward to tell her anything about my feelings for her. I don't want to lose this, I don't want to lose her, it's the first time since I moved here that I actually feel I belong somewhere. In my imagination we are a family, and although I'm putting the cart before the horse, I haven't felt this fantastic in a long time.

But as always in my life all good things come to an end… Eddy, Catherine's ex-husband and Lindsey's father, is murdered and I work his case. It couldn't have been more hell then it already is: the weather was very bad, the rain washed away most of the evidence, there's no murder weapon and all people involved are lying through their teeth, Lindsey almost got killed and on top of that Catherine is breathing down my neck.

She says she wants justice but all she really wants is revenge. She once told me she would not hesitate to take a life when the protection of her child is involved and I think she's showing me what she meant by that. I told Catherine to leave me alone, to let me do my job and to go home. My exact words were 'Go home, Catherine. Be with your daughter. She's the one that needs you.' I think I have never seen Catherine looking more hurt than she did after my words. But she knew I was right.

I'm working the case as hard and as thorough I humanly can, I want closure for both Catherine and Lindsey but I have no choice then to call it. I have nothing. I'm disappointed in myself like I never was before. I shouldn't have worked this case, someone else would have gotten closure for Catherine. How am I going to tell her this?

I don't have much time to process that thought, as I'm wrapping up the paperwork, I hear Catherine's voice "So you're calling it?"

I stop writing and turn around to face her. She looks terrible, she's tired, angry and hurt and now I'm going to tell her that I was not able to provide closure for her, great friend I am… I'm close to tears, how could I do this to her. I want to go to her and wrap her in my arms and tell her everything's going to be okay but how can I… I'm a failure, I can't even look her in the eyes.

"I got two liars and no murder weapon ... and no choice." I divert my eyes and pause because my voice is breaking and I need to be strong, if not for me then surely for her. "I'm going to nail the singer on child endangerment and fleeing the scene, and the dealer goes up on possession for sale." Is my feeble attempt to make her feel better.

She doesn't like what I'm saying, she has every right to be disappointed in me, I look at her and I see understanding, not disappointment. It makes me feel a little better. She lets out a deep sigh "What a great bedtime story for my little girl." She says softly, more to herself than to me. I don't think she had the intention to make me feel bad or better worse, but now the truth in her statement hits me full force. Lindsey…

"Cath, I did my best." I really did.

When my words register, she looks intently at me. She's saying a lot without actually saying a word, she's trying to reassure me she knows I did my best and she's telling a lot of other things with her eyes. But no matter how hard I want to believe her, I just can't. My best wasn't good enough. I'm still frozen on the spot, I want to hold her in my arms, I want to ask her how she really feels, I want to show her what an amazing person she is, but… I don't move a muscle and I don't say a word. Catherine turns around and disappears and I'm not calling after her, I'm not offering her my support, nothing. Sidle, you coward! You selfish coward!

I lie on my bed, trying to sleep but I continue crying and thinking about Catherine and Lindsey. How could I've not been able to solve this case? How can I ever be a part of their lives again? I'm berating myself. I have never been this insecure about my abilities and I think I can't face Catherine anymore. A ringing noise fills my room effectively stopping me scolding myself any further.

"Sidle." I say in a very weak voice.

"Sara?" The voice on the other end sounds panicky.

"Lindsey? Is everything okay?" I sound as panicky as her now. If she calls me it can't be good.

"Yes and no, could you come over here, please?"

"Okay." Without knowing what's going on, without any hesitation I put my clothes back on and drive over to Catherine's house.

I knock frantically on the front door and Lindsey answers it. She appears to be okay, so what's wrong? Oh no, Catherine…

"Hi, what's up?" I try not to sound too frightened.

She doesn't say anything, she leaps into my arms and puts her arms around me, hugging me. "Sara, don't feel bad about dad, I know you worked very hard, you are the best!" she squeals.

"Thanks kiddo, but why did you call me?" I ask softly.

"It's mom, Sara. She has been crying for hours and no matter what I say or do, she won't stop. She's really really hurt. I haven't seen her like this ever before…" she says rapidly. By the end of her sentence she's out of breath.

I'm still confused, what does this have to do with me… Except for the fact I'm the cause of all this. I couldn't bring her closure. Maybe I should try to explain to Lindsey that I'm probably the last person that can offer help. "Okay, slow down… I … I don't think I'm the right person to help your mother, I'm the reason she is this depressed. I'm sorry Lindsey but I wasn't able to find out who did this…"

Lindsey cuts me off. "Don't say that, you are smart and a very good CSI, mom always talks about how great you are and how hard you work. And I know she's right. And I called you because mom keeps repeating that she thinks she has fucked up majorly with you. That you think she's disappointed or angry but she isn't. I tried to let her call you, but she was too afraid of what you would say. She must be truly upset if she uses the f-word when I'm around."

The fact that Catherine talks about how great she thinks I am, is all the reassurance I need "Em…where's your mom?"

Lindsey leads me to Catherine's bedroom and tells me to go in and make her mother stop crying. I really hope I can, at least then I do something right.

I sit down on the bed, next to Catherine's sobbing form. I put a hand on her shoulder and squeeze it gently. I move her hair out of her face and kiss her forehead. My heart breaks to see her like this. What do I say? I'm at a loss for words, so I do the only thing that comes up in me. I lower myself on the bed next to her and pull her in my arms, her head is resting on my shoulder, I kiss her forehead in a soothing gesture and just hold her like that. At first she didn't acknowledge me, but then she wraps her arms around me and pulls me closer to her.

After several minutes the sobbing comes to an end, she looks up at me and for the first time I see her eyes. She has bags under her eyes from tiredness and all the crying she did. They have lost their normal ever present sparkle, they are just blank. I smile at her, still not knowing what to say. She brings her lips closer to my mouth and brushes them against mine, in the softest kiss I've ever experienced.

"I love you, Sara." She says in a comforting manner. She has no idea what her statement is doing to me, my heart is beating dangerously fast and I'm filled with bliss.

"I love you too." I say sincerely, knowing that her statement probably didn't mean the same as mine did nevertheless that couldn't make me feel any less happy right now. Then she puts her head back on my shoulder and her even breathing tells me she fell asleep. A couple of minutes later I fell asleep as well.

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