CH 8- First Date: Part Two
Ginny and Harry walked into the living room and found Natalie sprawled across the sofa, her hands curled softly against her cheek. "She sleeps like this every night," Ginny whispered to Harry as she smoothed her daughter's hair away from her cheek.
"She looks so peaceful," Harry commented, gazing at her with wonder and love in his eyes. It seemed as if he couldn't take his eyes off of the perfect child that Ginny had raised. He had missed seeing her grow up; it was almost like he had lost a part of him. He wanted to treasure each moment he had with her.
"She'll sleep for hours," Ginny said and took Harry's hand in hers, "let's have that talk."
"Wait, let me take her into the bedroom so that we can talk out here," he suggested and scooped the little girl up in his arms. Ginny watched as he cradled their daughter tenderly in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He shut the door behind him as he walked back. She was blown away by the way he looked, it was almost like she had just realized the way he was dressed tonight. He had his hands in the pockets of a pair of jeans that looked tailored to fit him, which she assumed they actually had been. His turtleneck sweater was the same emerald green as his eyes, the color she liked him in best.
"You look nice," she said in a hoarse voice. Nice was an understatement actually, he looked beautiful… he always had.
"I haven't changed my clothes," he reminded her with a small smile. He was only a foot or so away from her now and her pulse was racing crazily.
"I guess my eyes finally opened," she whispered. Harry moved closer and put his hand on her cheek. Ginny's breathe caught in her throat and she looked up into his eyes.
"I've been waiting to get you alone since I first saw you in the kitchen at the Burrow last week," he murmured as he leaned down and nibbled on her ear. Her breathe was coming in short shallow gasps now and she couldn't slow down her heart.
"Why is that?" she managed and Harry's lips moved across her cheek and fastened onto her lips. He moved her backwards slowly, her legs hit the arm of the sofa and they fell into a tangled mass of arms, legs and lips searching hungrily for each other. His hand moved up inside the back of her sweater and she moaned into his mouth. He took this as permission and his hand moved around to the front where he cupped one of her breasts in his hand.
Ginny jumped up and away from him, gasping for breath. "What's wrong?" Harry asked, sitting up and panting and gasping as well. His face was flushed and Ginny could see from the bulge in his pants that he was already ready for her… but she wasn't ready for this, not yet.
"I thought we were going to talk," she mumbled, wrapping her arms around her chest. Harry ran a hand through his hair and he looked back up at her. Ginny could see that he was confused and hurt, and he couldn't understand why she had left him on the sofa.
He turned and sat down, his head buried in his hands as he tried to pull himself together. After a few minutes, the evidence of his desire for her faded away and he was able to look at her again. "Come sit by me, I won't touch you," he promised and Ginny walked cautiously over to sit beside him.
"Look Harry, I'm sorry about all of this. I guess I just don't know what it is you want," she said softly reaching for his hand. He enclosed her small hand in his and squeezed it gently.
"I thought I told you that already," he said in a husky voice. "I want to be Natalie's father and fill whatever position you'll let me have in your life. I'll be your boyfriend, your lover… I'll be anything."
Ginny noticed that he didn't mention being a husband and her hopes fell. It was too soon to hope that he would want to be a permanent fixture in their lives, but it still hurt that he didn't seem to want it. "How long will you be there for us? Will you leave when you think that Natalie has had enough of you? Will you be her father until it gets hard and then leave us again?"
Harry flinched at the bitterness in her words, but her hand was still in his, so he decided that he could still make this work. "Ginny, why don't you and Natalie move into the flat with me? It would be easier to spend time together. We could make a home here," he suggested.
"I don't think you understand that I'm not the same person I was when we were at school together. I'm not the same girl that had broomstick races with you in the paddock behind my house. I've grown up and changed so much in the past seven years," she said firmly, but her mind was fluttering frantically. I'm afraid you will realize that I'm not as reckless and brave as I once was. I'm afraid that you'll realize it and then you won't want me anymore, she thought desperately.
"Why are you so scared of me?" Harry asked, touching her face gently. She flinched and moved away from him, letting his hand go. "Dammit, what happened to you to make you afraid of me?"
"I'm not afraid of you," Ginny whispered, her heart thumping against her chest. This was what she didn't want to bring up; she didn't want Harry to know what she had been through with her husband.
"What are you afraid of? Who is it?" Harry demanded. He could see the fear in her eyes, but he believed her that she wasn't scared of him. All he wanted to do was hold her, make love to her and make her feel safe again. He felt scared seeing fear in those familiar and once courageous brown eyes.
"I…I can't," she whimpered as tears coursed down her cheeks. She turned away from him and curled her body up tightly, wrapping her arms around her legs and sobbing. It was such a heart wrenching picture that Harry could hardly stand to watch her.
Suddenly pain and realization wrenched through him like a knife. She still didn't trust him enough to tell him about what had happened to her in the last seven years. She didn't feel as though he had the right to know what she had gone through. It hurt him more than he had even been hurt by her before.
"If you can't even trust me a little, why are we trying to make this work?" he asked softly, not able to look at her as he said it. He knew that by pushing her he could actually be pushing her out of his life, but it needed to be said.
"I hate myself for what I have become, can't you understand that? I don't like to be afraid. When you and I were together I was brave and strong and in control. I haven't been able to be that person since I left you. Do you think I'm proud of the person I've become?" she whispered achingly. She moved her hand up to touch Harry's face, afraid that he would flinch away from her. When he didn't she ran her fingers around his neck and forced him to look at her.
"I will do everything I can to be apart of you and Natalie's life. I can't do that if you won't open up to me," he replied.
Their eyes were locked. Harry was searching for the truth that lay at the heart of her fear, and Ginny was looking for the proof that he really did care for her. Ginny found it… Harry didn't. "You really do want to be with us," Ginny's voice broke as she wrapped her arms tight around him.
"I told you that I did, you just wouldn't listen to me," he whispered into her hair. He held her tightly against him, savoring the feel of her in his arms. He wanted to be able to feel this everyday for the rest of his life. He knew that it was within his grasp if he could just make things work right now. The rest would come easily.
When she finally pulled away there was a new hope shining in her eyes that Harry was thrilled to see. It was a sign that perhaps everything would work out for the best. He kissed her forehead lightly and cradled her against him again. When she tried to move away he tightened his hold. "Don't move yet, just stay for a few more moments. I won't try anything, I just want to hold you," he begged.
Ginny relaxed in his arms and wrapped her own around him once again. The tension in Harry's body melted away when he felt her gentle fingers brush the hair at the nape of his neck. It was a familiar feeling, one that he could remember from the days when he and Ginny had been young and carefree and in love. It was comforting to know that he could still feel so relaxed at her touch.
"I'm sorry for not trusting you," she told him in a whisper so soft he almost couldn't hear it. He moved his hand up to rub her back gently and he kissed her forehead again. He was trying to restrain himself from doing what he so desperately wanted to do. He had to keep himself focused on her needs instead, that made it easier to accomplish.
"Is this why you have been so worried all night long?" he asked.
"I suppose that I have become accustomed to not getting what I want. I can't imagine that everything is going to turn out the way I want it to anymore. I want so badly to be with you and Natalie in our own little family that I can't believe it will happen," she admitted.
"Does this have anything to do with Michael and why you got divorced?" Harry asked in a loving and soothing tone. Ginny stiffened at the mention of his name.
"I don't want to talk about it," she cried in an anguished voice. She was shivering violently now, and Harry knew it couldn't be from cold because the fire had made the room more than comfortable. Tears were finding their way out of the corners of her eyes and she brushed them away hastily. She pulled herself out of his arms, pushing him away from her.
"If he hurt you in any way…"
"He hurt me in every way," Ginny said vehemently as if her feelings were suddenly exploding out of her, "if he wasn't hitting me for mentioning your name in our house, he was belittling me for writing in my diary… a d-diary I was keeping for you so that you could read about her first step, or her first word. He would bruise me with his kisses or force me into bed to make me forget about you. I began to hate him so much. He wasn't like that when I married him."
She was sobbing into Harry's shoulder now, harsh racking sobs that had his heart breaking. "I didn't want to tell you. I thought it would be better if you didn't know the kind of abuse I suffered at his hands." He could tell she was still trying to keep it in, but it was no good now because it was out.
"How long were you married to him?" he asked, not mentioning the diary she had talked about. He figured that he could always ask her about that another day.
"We were married four and a half years. He married me during our Auror training and I thought he was so different than he had been at school. He seemed more grown up and sure of himself. I didn't see that he was still the sulky child underneath…" Ginny faded off and Harry turned her face to him. Tears were streaking down her cheeks and he leaned forward and kissed her lips softly.
"You don't have to be afraid anymore, I'm here to take care of you," he promised and kissed her again. Ginny responded slowly, just brushing her lips over his, but eventually he coaxed her to deepen the kiss. Their tongues touched briefly, but he kept it soft and sweet, so she would understand he wasn't asking more from her than she was willing to give.
Her arms snaked up his chest and wound around his neck, pulling him closer to her. She moaned softly and it was his undoing. He brought his hand up to her side and stroked it lightly as he moved his hand underneath the fabric of her sweater. She pulled her head back and Harry thought that she was going to stop him again. She surprised him by whispering one heated word, "Yes."
It was then that he knew he needed to stop. He couldn't make love to her for their first time in years on a sofa, with their daughter in the next room… after talking about her abusive first husband. He knew that the timing was wrong; she was being carried away by her emotions. He pressed a soft kiss to her lips, to her cheek and then to her forehead as he gradually pulled away. When she gave him a look of hurt and anguish he put his hand to her face and brushed away a tear from her eye. "Do you see this?" he asked and she looked puzzled.
"What are you talking about?" she muttered and tried to sit up and away from him. Harry pulled her tight to him and shook his head.
"Don't you leave me; I want to explain something to you. Do you see this tear?" he asked again and Ginny nodded wearily. "I want to make love to you, all you have to do is feel me and you know it's true." He put her hand to him and she blushed, but didn't pull her hand away. Harry gritted his teeth and moved it away for her.
"If that's true then why did you stop?" She was still hurt from being pushed away and he knew he had to explain it soon or her fragile self-esteem would take another blow.
"I stopped because I love you. Dammit Ginny, if I had kept going then I would have been using you in a fragile state. I want everything to be right with us when we finally come together again. Do you really think that continuing this right now would make you feel any better about what happened with Michael?" He was trying to get her to agree with him, but he could see that she did still not quite understand him.
"I want the setting to be perfect when we finally make love. I don't want Natalie to be in the next room, and to have you be nervous about her walking in on us. I don't want Michael's memory to be looming over us. I want it to be me and you, with as much time on our hands as we want. I want to be able to kiss every inch of you without worrying about you wondering whether I really love you or not. I want you to be able to whimper and moan with pleasure, not with sorrow."
Ginny's face was scarlet now, but there was a small smile on her lips. Harry knew that he had made his point and he breathed a sigh of relief. Ginny's fingers were splayed across his chest and she was looking at them as if they were the most interesting things in the world. He chuckled because he knew the kind of thoughts that were now running through her mind.
"When is the earliest time we can arrange something like that?" There was hunger and anticipation in her voice, as well as nervousness. Harry tipped her chin up to look at him but he wasn't smiling. He was giving her a very serious look.
"It won't happen until you tell me everything that happened between you and Michael. I told you I don't want this looming over us, I want to get past this and start building a future for us. We can't do that until the past is behind us," he kissed her tenderly.
"Tell me again that you love me," she begged. Harry knew it was an answer of sorts, and he was willing to take it… for now.
"Ginevra Molly Weasley, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I think you are strong and courageous and brilliant and no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise," he whispered with aching gentleness. Tears filled Ginny's eyes again, but these were tears of joy and hope.
"If you believe it, then maybe in time I'll be able to believe it again too," she told him bringing her lips to his for another kiss. He responded, but only for a short kiss, he knew that anything more would lead to breaking his promise to her.
He rested his forehead against hers and let himself soak in the moment. Things were finally getting cleared up between them and he knew it was for the best. He decided to try and lighten the subject until she was able to talk about her disastrous marriage again. "When were you planning to send me this diary of yours?"
Ginny laughed and snuggled into his arms. "I wasn't sure if I ever would in all honesty. I couldn't seem to help myself though. I suppose I'm going to give it to you someday, after all I did write it for you. It gives an outline of Natalie's life from the day I found out I was pregnant until Michael and my divorce. I didn't have the energy to write anything after that."
"I'd really like to see it, I think that it'd help me get to know my daughter better," he paused and then smiled down at Ginny, "I want her to call me daddy when she feels comfortable enough with me. It has never been something I've thought about a lot, but now that I have a child, I want to be her father in every way I can."
"You have to give her some time Harry, this is new to her too. She has known about you her whole life, but I know that we weren't ready for something quite like this. It's put a new twist in our lives that we haven't discovered the right way to deal with yet. We will figure it out; it'll just take all of us some time…"
"…Tell me a story about Natalie's childhood," Harry asked as they cuddled together on the floor in front of the fire an hour later. He had gone to grab a blanket for them earlier and she had told him about her life with Michael. From the haunted look in her eyes when she talked about it, Harry knew it had been a life changing experience. At points it had been all he could do not to interrupt her and demand why she had let the abuse continue, but he had kept himself under control and let her finish her story. He had let her cry on his shoulder when she talked about the more terrifying abuse that had happened in bed. Finally he felt that she had exhausted the subject for one night and he was trying to put her in a better mood. He felt he was succeeding now that Natalie was their subject.
Ginny had a smile on her face as she contemplated all the years of memories her daughter had brought her. "I have a really good story actually," she said and wrapped her arms around Harry's neck. "She was about two years old and Michael was away on an Auror mission, so she and I were home alone. I remember waking up to see that the bassinet was empty and my heart was racing wildly. I wasn't quite twenty at the time, so being a mother to a toddler was a scary thing in itself, let alone a toddler who was a witch. I could hear strange noises coming from the kitchen so I went to investigate…"
"What was it?" Harry interrupted. Ginny gave him a stern look but then softened it with a playful kiss.
"If you would let me finish the story without stopping me I could tell you," she suggested. Harry grabbed her sides and began to tickle her until she squealed. "Not fair! Tickling is against the rules."
"What rules?" Harry asked as he lay gasping for breath from laughing so hard. Ginny rolled over on top of him and smiled brightly.
"You can't just tickle me and assume I'll forget you interrupted me," she teased. Harry leaned up on his elbows and kissed her again.
"I can't get enough of you," he said, but he wasn't teasing and Ginny knew it. She blushed and moved back to his side to resume her story.
"I went to the kitchen and found my wand in her hand," she continued and Harry settled back to enjoy the story, knowing that he had been right earlier when he had stopped them from going any farther. She hadn't been ready for it. "The pots and pans were all banging into one another and making a huge racket. When I finally pulled it out of her grasp she smiled at me and said happily, 'music mommy'." She was chuckling at the memory and Harry watched the firelight dance over her face and hair. She looked like a goddess, though she would never see it herself.
"I'm sure that your mother had the same problems with you," Harry said and Ginny rolled her eyes.
"Mum has reminded me over and over when I complain about how wild Natalie is, that she is just like me when I was a little girl," she half-joked.
Harry was silent as he watched her tuck her hair back behind her ears with a gesture that he found achingly familiar. He remembered how she would do that while she was studying, or when she was thinking hard about something… or even when she was laughing. It was just a natural gesture that she did, and it made his insides weak. "Ginny, please move in with me," he repeated his earlier request and Ginny turned to look him in the eyes.
"I don't think Natalie is ready to be taken away from her family yet," Ginny replied.
"I think that if you wait for Natalie to be ready, you'll never do it," Harry said seriously. Ginny looked toward the bedroom where her daughter lay sleeping and then back at Harry.
"I'm not ready either."
He had been waiting for her to say that, because he knew that it was her feelings and not Natalie's that she had really been talking about. He was just glad that she had voiced it. "The invitation is always open," he said and stood up, offering her his hand. "You need to get home; it's nearly one in the morning."
Ginny looked down at her watch and then nodded, heading toward the bedroom. Harry grabbed her elbow and she turned to look at him. "What is it Harry?"
"I'm not a very patient man, so don't make me wait too long," he told her, referring to his request for her to move in. Ginny blushed and took a step towards him.
"When I'm ready you'll know, and don't worry… I'm not very patient either."