A/N: It's a bit sooner than usual, but I'm pretty sure no one will mind ;-). So, the talk...

Chapter 31

Sleep is clearly overrated, after 4 hours I wake up although I'm well-rested I doubt 4 hours is enough to cover the amount of time I worked last shift. It doesn't matter now, I'm up and there's no way I will be able to sleep more. I try to remember if I dreamt something, but my mind is blank. I take a long hot shower and make myself some breakfast, then I decide it's time to call Catherine. I still don't know if I'm up to it, but it's no use to keep dwelling on it.

'Hi' comes the tired response on the other end.

'Did you sleep at all?'

'Does it really matter…'

'Maybe not, but perhaps I should call you later and let you try to get some sleep.'

'The reason I didn't sleep, is you.' She senses my discomfort at her statement, so she adds 'I didn't mean it like that, I was too nervous to sleep. I didn't know if you would call and it kept me awake.'

'Oh…' how very illiterate.

'Sara, could you please come over? I want to see you, I need to…see you.' It breaks my heart to hear her like this.

'Give me fifteen minutes.'

Ten minutes later I knock at her door, she doesn't look surprised she knew it wouldn't take me a whole fifteen minutes. She lets me inside, I look around but don't see Lindsey which I find a bit sad because I really miss the little squirt and it's been a while since I saw her.

'Where's Linds?'

'Oh she's with Nancy, Jeremy wanted to go to the park and Nancy asked me if Linds could come too.'

'I miss her.' I lock eyes with Catherine and she understands the underlying meaning of my words.

'She misses you too.' She says meaning every word of it, her statement has the same underlying meaning as mine. 'You want coffee or something?'

'I'm fine.' I walk over to the couch and sit down.

She's unsure whether she should join me on the couch or sit somewhere else. I put her out of her misery 'You know, you can still sit next to me.'

She smiles and sits down, a little closer than I anticipated but I'm okay with it. She looks at me and takes a deep breath 'We have been really stupid, I have been really stupid…' she trails off, I don't say anything I give her some time to come up with the words she has wanted to say for who knows how long. 'I shouldn't have reacted the way I did when you told me. I should have spoken with you about it. I should have done a lot of things different, but I know saying I regret them has no use.'

She sighs and continues 'I now know you didn't mean it like that, you don't love Grissom the same way you love me. I guess I always knew that, but something in me snapped. I thought you were just using me to get back at Grissom, then I realized how stupid that thought was considering he doesn't even know about us.'

'It took you long enough…' I didn't mean to sound harsh.

'Oh Sara, I don't know what came over me. I felt insecure, I thought … I don't know what I thought… I know only one thing' she looks me straight in the eye 'I love you.'

She doesn't let me say anything, she looks lost 'Let me finish, otherwise I'll lose the courage to do this.' I nod and she goes on 'I want to give us a second chance, do you still want me?'

That wasn't what I was expecting, I don't know the answer. On the one hand I have longed to hear her say those words, but on the other I'm not sure if I can still do this. I love her, no doubt about that and a part of me still wants her… but and yeah this is a big but… I need someone whom I can trust and who trusts me. Catherine evidently didn't trust me enough, I know her history with relationships, we all have our histories but that doesn't explain why she acted like a total bitch. She could have ignored me at first but at least she should have heard me out when I wanted to talk to her. Everything always has to go like she wants it, I am not the kind of person to just let her walk all over me whenever she feels like it. I have been violated enough in the past, I can't take anymore of that.

I have been quiet for too long, when I look at Catherine I see tears running down her cheeks. I gently wipe them away and kiss her on the lips, the kiss is soft but deep I lose myself in it for a moment until I realize I still haven't told her anything, I pull away and lock eyes with her 'Cath, I love you too. I'll always love you, you are my everything.' she looks so happy and I don't know where I got the ability to do what I'm about to do next 'I still want you, I didn't want anything more in the world than to be happy with you and make you happy.' I sigh 'I just can't… not as long as you don't trust me like I need you to. I'm so sorry.'

I give her a quick peck on the cheek and leave… tears are freely running down my cheeks and my heart is broken but I did what I had to do.

'Hi, I'll be there in a few. Is she ready?'

'Yeah, she is already waiting for you.'

'Better hurry then, we know how she gets when she has to wait. Bye.'

'Bye.'

I start the engine of my car and drive to Catherine's, Lindsey and I are having our fun-day. It's basically me and her doing lots of stuff together. Sometimes we go to the park, sometimes the arcade, today we are going to the movies and afterwards we're going to eat pizza. I arrive and she comes bouncing out of the house, she practically jumps in the car.

'Hey squirt, how are you doing?' she rolls her eyes at me calling her squirt but I know she likes it.

'Fine, now can we go…' she asks in an exasperated tone.

'Hold your horses, let me say hi to your mom first.' She rolls her eyes again and nods, indicating to go ahead but make it fast. Every year she's turning more and more into a little Catherine.

I step out of the car and walk towards the front door, Catherine stands there watching us. The closer I come the more she just watches me. When I'm standing in front of her, she smiles and gives me a kiss. 'Hi.' She says smiling widely.

'Hi yourself, did she give you a hard time?'

'You know how she gets.'

'Yeah.' I sigh 'We'll be back around seven, in time to get her ready before Nancy arrives.' And making sure Catherine get some time to spend with her daughter too.

'Great. It's your turn to drive us to work today, don't forget.'

'How could I? And it's just a movie and pizza so I won't be too tired.' I smile at her.

'Saaarrraaa, how long can it take to say hi…' Lindsey whines from the car.

'Guess I have to go.' I turn around and walk over to my car.

I look in the rearview mirror making eye contact with Lindsey 'You know patience is a virtue.' She mumbles a whatever and I smirk at myself. I start the car and so our fun-day starts.

Since Cath and I talked we have been slowly building up a friendship again, our feelings are still high and sometimes we 'accidently' brush against each other or stare too long, getting lost in the other one's gaze. It's me who put a hold on the relationship and I'm doing my very best to keep it that way until I am sure we can continue. But it's a lot harder than I imagined, we avoid to be alone with each other scared of what might happen if we are alone.

Because I really missed Lindsey I decided to take her one day a week on a fun-day, we decide together what we will do that day and enjoy it as much as possible. Lindsey is not glad we broke up, especially since she doesn't know the reason. I told her about our issues she's too young to understand it fully but she had a right to know. Sometimes she tries to talk me into staying the night, she's not blind she has noticed the tension between her mother and me. It amazes me how much she really knows for her age, luckily we always came up with a reason for me to go. But some day we won't find anything to come up with…

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