A/N: Whenever you think everything will turn out good, I'm here to tell you it doesn't...

Chapter 32

Of course when my personal life is going up, at work something is bound to be going down. I have feared this moment to come, but today it's there. We worked a case about a young girl being murdered in her own house and her boyfriend being chopped up and put in trash cans all over the neighborhood. The killer managed to wash away all evidence, Grissom spent three days looking for a speck of proof only to come up empty-handed. It's the same Grissom that has been acting really weird around me for three days, at first I was confused until I saw the victim. She looked so much like me, it could have been my long lost sister but still that doesn't explain why he has been acting this strange.

It all becomes clear when I hear him tell the suspect what he feels about me. I assume he didn't expect me to be watching the interrogation, when his words register realization comes crashing down on me. Oh my God… he really loves me! No wonder he rejected me, he didn't know what to do about his feelings, the age difference scared him. I have been so stupid, I gave him hope I made him think he could have a chance with me. I broke his heart! I'm the one he trusts with all his heart and soul and I betrayed him.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me and I have a hard time breathing, I have to get out of here. For a moment my legs let me down, they're shaky and don't want to move. When I finally manage to kick some life in them, I run and don't look back. A couple of lab techs give me an awkward look, but I just keep on running. What have I done? Did Catherine know this?

I open my front door not knowing how I got home, I walk over to the fridge and grab a beer. The cool bitter liquid immediately calms me down, I grab another one and walk over to my couch. I don't stop drinking until I become numb and pass out.

I open my eyes, my body feels sore and I have the feeling a marching band is walking inside my cranium. When my vision clears I see a trail of empty beer bottles, I also see I'm lying on the floor next to the couch, seems like I didn't reach it in time before passing out. Damn, why did I drink so much? Maybe I should have talked to Grissom, maybe I still can… who are you kidding, you're a coward! I know I'm right, I won't talk to Grissom, I just can't… I need something to clear my mind, no not beer if I have one more beer I'll throw up. Work! If I work hard and long enough it makes me as numb as three…four…five…six…seven beers. Did I really drink that much?

Goodbye Sara and welcome Dark Sara, oh yeah she's back. I have buried myself in my work again and it's ruining my life, of course I am totally oblivious to it. It's been seven months since Cath and I broke up, six months ago I started my fun-day thingy with Lindsey and I hadn't missed a single time. Well a month and a half ago I started to occasionally come up with any kind of excuse to miss it. Catherine knew something was wrong with me and she tried to talk with me, I acted all evasive and told her everything was fine.

It's not, I'm still feeling guilty about Griss and I will continue to feel this way until I talk to him. Knowing myself that is not going to happen any time soon. Sometimes work is not enough to keep me numb so I have a beer or two at breakfast. Honestly beer became my breakfast since last week. I don't have a drinking problem, my parents had a drinking problem. It just helps me to sleep better or to sleep at all. When you have a drinking problem you drink to make you feel better until it doesn't work anymore but you still keep drinking because you convince yourself it still does make a difference or if you stop you'll die.

I don't want to feel better, nothing can make me feel better and least of all alcohol can. I don't deserve to feel better, not when I treat people like shit. I finish my beer and head for my bed, sleep first then get ready and go to work. Somebody has a sick sense of humor, after only half an hour my cell rings. It's Grissom, we have a high profile case and everybody is needed. Great, if anyone smells my breath they'll start to give me a hard time about that too.

I search frantically for some cough drops, seems like I have only a couple left, where are the others… well no time to worry about them got a case to go to.

I'm popping cough drops in my mouth like tic-tac's, I even refused to share them with Nick. Later on when I thought I could enjoy a delicious cup of Greg's coffee in complete solitude, Brass talked to me about his drinking problem. Apparently somebody noticed I was popping them without actually being sick. It's nice he cares, but I don't deserve this I tell him I had a couple of beers with breakfast and that's why I needed the drops. He doesn't fully believe me although I'm telling the truth.

Maybe I should give up on the beers, I don't really need them if I don't sleep, fine then I'll just have to work harder to make sure I'm tired enough when I get home. That'll work too, at least then Brass doesn't have to worry about me and I don't have to worry to be called in early. Just when I promise myself I will stop, something makes sure I don't give up that easily.

'Hi Sara, can we talk?'

'Sure Cath.'

'Well… I don't know where to start really.'

'Just start at the beginning…' I smile reassuringly at her.

'I met this guy…and um…he kinda likes me and well…I… um…'

'You like him too.' I help her.

'Yeah, I … I don't know how serious my feelings are but I really need some…' Wow if she finishes that sentence I'm not sure what's going to happen.

'I get the picture, why do you tell me?' she looks lost 'If you want my approval, I am not going to give it to you, but… you are a grown woman if you want to date this man, go ahead I won't hold you back.' Her expression changes from lost to hurt. Wasn't she the one who came in here to ask my approval?

She puts on a nice top for her date I guess, when she's fully dressed she turns to me 'You sure about this?' This is your last chance, Sidle. Stop her!

'Wow, you look gorgeous. Now go! Don't keep him waiting.' She looks disappointed but it's too late to change anything about that, the damage is done. My self-destructive side once more got the better hand of me. She gives me one last smile and then disappears, I don't go after her, I just stare at the now empty space by the door. I think I'll have a beer for breakfast.

I'm lying in the grass looking up at the clear blue sky, it's so peaceful. I feel a small weight adjusting itself on my stomach, I run my fingers through her golden locks and check if she's still okay. She smiles at me silently telling me she just needed to shift her body a bit.

'Can I ask you something?'

'You can ask me anything.'

'Why did you lie?'

'What?' I ask puzzled.

'Don't play dumb, Sara. You have been avoiding our fun-days, you always tell mom you have something to take care off but I don't think that's true.'

Who could have guessed a small girl can be this smart when it comes to people, she definitely inherited more from Catherine than just her looks and behavior. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.'

'But still you did.' She looks at me with a sad face. 'Is it because mom started to date that man?'

I never knew a child could make me feel this guilty, I should have known better than to lie to her. 'Well…it's difficult.' I sigh deeply.

'Try me.' her expression is serious and for a moment she looks like an adult.

'No that's not the only reason, I hurt someone pretty badly and now I can't stop feeling awfully guilty about it. I should just talk to this person, but I'm a coward.' This kid should really do something in the law enforcement branch, no way a suspect can lie to her.

'You're not a coward, Sara. We both know that.'

I smile at her, it's a small smile but it's there. I wish I could tell her I feel the same way but then I would lie again. 'Now what did you want me to ask?'

'Have you met this guy? What do you think of him?'

'Honestly I don't think I'm in the position to say something about that…' she doesn't let me finish.

'Sara, I don't care for grownup principals. Just tell me have you met him?'

'No. So I'm in no position to tell you what I think of him. Why, something's wrong?'

'Yeah, I hate him! I think he's a jerk! Last week he picked mom up from work and she just forgot all about me. I know she doesn't get to see him much, her work - his work - me, but she doesn't love him!'

'What makes you think she doesn't love him.' I know Catherine doesn't, but I want to hear her theory.

'You know when you and mom were a couple, she always had a twinkle in her eyes, she was always happy. She danced and sang and it was like she was living on a cloud, we still had arguments and she was still mad at me. But at least that meant she cared, now she's just moody all the time. She doesn't have the twinkle, she doesn't sing nor dance. She misses you and she lets that man use her.'

I am in total awe, no way she is just twelve! This must be the most observant kid I have ever met. 'I don't like it when you talk about your mother like that. Linds I'm sure she has her reasons, it takes time to fall in love with someone. I'm sure your mom doesn't let anyone use her.'

'Then you obviously don't know her. You should see her, Sara. Why don't you come back to us? You still love my mom, I know you do. I see the way you look at her. Please, come back.' She starts to cry softly and it breaks my heart.

I sit up and hug her, I rub her back in a soothing manner. 'Hey kiddo, I wish it was that easy, but it's not. I am not going to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. But I promise you this, I'll talk to your mom about Chris.'

'Thanks Sara, I love you.'

'Love you too.'

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