A/N: So Sara had a DUI in the previous chapter, this is what happens afterwards. Almost season 5 ;-)!

Chapter 34

It's the official start of three weeks of forced vacation, I had expected a week off but three! What am I going to do with all that free time? I honestly don't have a clue. First I have to see a PEAP counselor, great I force a smile on my face. I glance at the clock on my nightstand, my first day off and I'm already running late. Damn! I really hate therapy sessions, all they ever do is forcing you to talk about yourself and resurfacing problems you dealt with long ago. They actually manage to make you feel worse in order to do more sessions, it's all about the money.

However I have to do this or I'll lose my job. Nice, huh? I ring the doorbell and a buzzing sound grants me access to my shrink's house. I sit in the empty waiting room and glance at some magazines spread on a coffee table, I spot nothing worth reading so I stare at the cream-colored walls. Probably this color is supposed to have a soothing effect on the patients, well it doesn't work for me.

After some agonizing minutes my counselor steps into the waiting room and announces I can follow her inside. 'Sit down, Sara make yourself feel at ease.' Easy talking for you, you haven't been forced to come here. I sit down feeling as far from comfortable as it gets. 'I understand you are here because you drove under influence.' If you know why I'm here, why do you need to bring it up. I hate this.

I nod. 'Okay, let's start at the beginning. When did you start to drink?'

'Um…when I was fifteen I guess, some friends were having a party with lots of alcohol.' I make fun of the situation on purpose, I know she wanted a different answer. But hey if I have to do this, why not have some fun… She's looking at me like I'm really dumb, I just smile at her.

'That's a good start, but I meant a bit more recent.' Where do these people go to school? And what do they exactly learn there except some standard sentences they have to use during every session?

I continue to play dumb 'Oh…let's see. Actually I didn't.'

'You didn't?' she furrows her brow.

'No, I had a DUI because I went for a drink after a tough shift, I forgot the limit was recently lowered so when they made me blow… it seemed I drank too much.'

She nods and stares at me like she is trying to figure me out. 'I see, I have the feeling you had a hard childhood, correct me if I'm wrong?' again one of the standard sentences. This statement is 7 out of 10 times a good one when asked to people who need a counselor.

'What does my childhood have to do with a DUI?' my defense mechanism kicks in action.

'Maybe everything maybe nothing. Did your parents have a history with drinking?' I don't like the course this conversation is taking.

'So what if they did?'

'Did they use violence when they were under the influence?' my parents and violence used in one statement is enough to build up my walls and make me clamp up. I haven't answered her question which only plays to her advantage, she knows she's right. 'Take your time, I know this is not easy.'

Like she knows anything about it! 'Yes they were often violent, mostly when they were drunk or stoned.' Is there some special force in this room, that makes people say stuff they don't want to say.

'I thought so, have you told anyone you work with about this?'

'No. Why should I?'

'Perhaps it makes things easier for you, helps you to cope with things you are bound to come across in your line of work.' Her face is sympathetic, just what I need someone who pities me. She knows I won't comment on that 'I think you should at least talk to your supervisor, talk about your parents. Make him understand.'

'Understand what? That I don't like these cases because when I go home I hear the victims' screams and wake up in cold sweats remembering my own parents… What good will that do? Besides I already told him how I feel about these cases, why does he need to know more?' I'm pacing frantically in front of the couch, I can't remember standing up. The room looks so much smaller than when I first came in, I want to leave. Why does she make me remember? The only thing I want more than to get out of here is a stiff drink, forget beer I need something a lot stronger. You see how these so called therapies only make you feel worse! Why would I want to share my deepest fears with a complete stranger, when I don't even tell my closest friends about them?

'I think this session is over.'

'Actually you still have ten minutes left.' Her face is full of care, I can't take it any longer. If she doesn't stop looking at me like that, I will puke my guts out.

'No it's over. Now!' With that I walk out of that place and drive home.

Four more sessions to go, if all of them end like the first did I will be in need of more than therapy. After the first it cost me two days to burry my demons again and when I finally managed it was time for the next one. I have decided to rearrange my sessions, now I have a session every day. I want this to be over with as soon as possible.

Finally it's Saturday, that means no more sessions I have completed them and I am more than cheerful about that. The other sessions ended better than the first one, because now I was prepared for her questions. I only answered the ones I wanted to and in the end she didn't manage to make me relive my worst nightmares. Instead she had some very interesting theories about me, funny when you consider the fact that she didn't even figure out I'm gay. According to my 'gifted' counselor I choose men who are emotionally unavailable, I'm self-destructive, I look for validation in inappropriate places and I don't have a drinking problem.

As far as I know only two out of four are correct, yes I have self-destructive tendencies and no I don't have a drinking problem. Luckily the sheriff pays for these sessions or I would have taken this to court. Today I woke up after another very bad dream covered in sweat, I can't deal with this alone. I can't talk to anyone here, because none of them knows about my past. I decide there and then what I have to do…

'Hi Cath, it's me.'

'Sara, is everything alright?'

'I wanted to apologize for the other day, you were right I can't tell you who you can date…I'm sorry.'

'Please don't apologize, if anyone should apologize it's me I had no right to slap you, I'm so sorry.' She sounds sincere.

'The reason I called…um…I…I'm going to Frisco for a couple of weeks, so…' I don't need to finish my explanation.

'Thanks for being so thoughtful, Sar. Have fun.' She knows better than to question my motivation, she just wishes me the best.

'Thanks, I'll call when I get there. Bye Cath.' I mentally add I'll miss you.

'Bye Sara.'

Thanks for reading!