Standard disclaimers, blah, blah, blah. Some day, but not today, there will be fame, money and glory associated with this story and I'll be teaching pigs to sing in my backyard, too. Oh well.

To: Deb, Jaime, Kate Manoso, Luisa and Melody, I have learned from each of you and thank you for the joy you've given me.

Stephanie's Gamble

By Alfonsina

Chapter 21 ♣ May Part 5

Monday was Memorial Day and it was a special day for Ranger and all the guys at the company. They had a ritual of visiting the local VA to see some of the vets who were long term patients and had no other visitors. We each found someone and sat with, letting the men tell their stories. It was one of the most touching things I had ever seen or done. I was proud of all of them, the Rangemen and especially the vets who had given so much for those of us who could be so unaware.

I asked if this was one of Ranger's 'guilty pleasures' he told me there was no guilt about it, it was pure pleasure. He and all the guys got more out of visiting at the VA than they felt that they gave. I guessed there was nothing worse than being cooped up some place long term and never being acknowledge outside of the people who were paid to take care of you.

♣♣♣♣♣

Hector didn't really care about which days holidays fell when. He wanted to work on English. So despite the day off from work, we wound up having dinner; it was take out from somewhere close by. We spent the evening together in my apartment.

After we were done with eating and the daily lesson, Hector started fussing with a small book.

"Nena, can I read something to you?" he finally asked. "I saw it the other day and I thought of you."

"Of course, Canelo," I said, it's not like I would have said 'no' to him. It was just a poem. It couldn't be that bad, could it?

He opened the book and began to read a beautiful sounding poem to me. But then again, he could read just about anything that was written in Spanish and I would think it sounded beautiful. He read it smoothly and calmly, with just a hint of an emotion I couldn't name. I really wished I knew what he was reading.

A MADONA POESIA

Aqui a tus pies lanzada, pecadora,
contra tu tierra azul, mi cara oscura,
tú, virgen entre ejércitos de palmas
que no encanecen como los humanos.

No me atrevo a mirar tus ojos puros
ni a tocarte la mano milagrosa;
miro hacia atrás y un río de lujurias
me ladra contra tí, sin Culpa Alzada.

Una pequeña rama verdecida
en tu orla pongo con humilde intento
de pecar menos, por tu fina gracia,

ya que vivir cortada de tu sombra
posible no me fue, que me cegaste
cuando nacida con tus hierros bravos.

Well if he was looking for a way to get me to swoon, he found it. I would have swooned for days if this stuff kept up, it was pretty heady stuff. I'd never had poetry read to me before, I kind of liked it. I had no idea what he'd read to me, it could easily have been "See Dick run. Run Dick. See Jane play with the ball" and I would have responded the same way. I really needed to get a better grip on myself.

I asked him to tell me a little about it. Turned out that the poem was written by some woman named Alfonsina Storni. She was well reputed in Argentina and died in the 30s by drowning herself, so became better known as Alfonsina del Mar (Alfonsina of the Sea).

Before I had a lot of time to contemplate the poem, he closed the volume, kissed my forehead and sighed deeply.

"Deep thoughts?" I asked him.

No answer. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as he closed his eyes. It seemed like he wanted us to be quiet for a while and just hold hands, so I was and we did. A few minutes later he said, "Nena, I really need to go now."

"Would you write the name of the author and the poem for me?" I asked him.

He did. I Googled the poem after he left and found an English translation of it. The poem read:

To My Lady of Poetry

I throw myself here at your feet, sinful,

my dark face against your blue earth,

you the virgin among armies of palm trees

that never grow old as humans do.

I don't dare look at your pure eyes

or dare touch your miraculous hand:

I look behind me and a river of rashness

urges me guiltlessly on against you.

With a promise to mend my ways through your

divine grace, I humbly place on your

hem a little green branch,

for I couldn't have possibly lived

cut off from your shadow, since you blinded me

at birth with your fierce branding iron.

Well, shit. What should I think about that? That poem was sort of like the song from the camping trip, I was happier not knowing what it meant. I hate being conflicted and I'm feeling conflicted right now. Should I be pleased by this poem, confused? Do I need to take this like he's trying to woo me? Is he showing off how smart he is in another language? I don't know and right now I don't want to know.

I guess that's another phrase to add to my growing list of phrases I wish I didn't hear or use so often:

Why me?

It's not my fault.

It's complicated.

We need to talk.

I'm feeling conflicted right now.

'Denial is my best friend,' I chanted to myself. 'Denial supports me when no one else will. Denial is always available for a quick escape.'

I thought that if I chanted it long enough, hard enough, I'd be able to deny what I thought this poem actually meant to Hector. This was one time when Denial abandoned me and I was left in the real world. No built guys in Speedos at the beach, no tiara and no scepter. Oh God.

Too bad all the shoes stores and Macy's were already closed. I could have used a new pair of shoes to distract me. A really nice pair of strappy sandals or a new pair of FMPs would have gone a long way towards taking my mind off of real life. Real life sucked some days.

♣♣♣♣♣

I had been going back on the roof periodically to help Ranger, but not as intensively as before. He sent me up a couple of times to 'harvest' various lettuces and other greens for salads. He thought that the stuff in the greenhouse was safer for me to harvest than the other stuff; I'd accidentally harvested some weeds the first time I was left on my own. I was embarrassed, but he told me he had done it once himself a long time ago. To quote Winnie the Pooh, "Oh bother."

Tuesday morning I got an e-mail from Tank that we were supposed to meet Ranger on the roof after lunch, it also said something about 'hot, sweaty and dirty'. Since I'd done the happy dance once about the idea of 'hot, sweaty and dirty' and been wrong, I knew I wouldn't be wrong this time. I sent an e-mail to Tank to let him know I was going to have to go home to get some grubbies to change into. I knew there was no way it was going to be the kind of 'dirty' my hormones were looking forward to.

The three of us made pots that looked very heavy, but were actually super light weight called hypertufa. The pots were a combination of Portland cement, vermiculite and peat moss. We mixed the stuff together and put it into molds that had been coated in WD40 so they'd release. The pots provided a place that could hold moisture and food for plants while adding a 'decorative' element to the garden.

Tank and I had a better time than Ranger. Ranger was very serious that everything be done 'right' and as perfectly as we could. Tank and I looked at it as a way to play in the mud without getting yelled at for it; it reminded me of playing with clay back in January. We had a much better time than Ranger, who in the end, didn't make as many pots as we did but made much prettier ones. In my mind, it was an afternoon well spent.

I thought to myself, "It doesn't get better than this. Good weather, good friends and a non-confrontational way to get out my frustrations. Kindergarten for adults, kind of nice.'

The fun we had together made me forget the business Rangeman was in and just how serious these guys could be. Why couldn't Ranger have started me on a project like this in the beginning? I would have found the whole rooftop garden thing to be much more fun.

♣♣♣♣♣

Thursday afternoon, he called me to his office about the possibility of 'hanging out' for a little bit that evening. Things had been slow for a couple of days and it sounded like a deal to me. He even threw in a Pino's pizza to sweeten the deal; well kind of sweeten the deal. It was half veggie, argh, and half edible, yum. He had been trying to convert me to eat more veggies, I'd tried to hold out, but he was having Ella sneak more and more of them into every meal I ate with him. I countered the veggies by having extra chocolate at my desk.

We sat on the sofa selecting pieces of pizza from 'our' own sides of the pie. God forbid we would have gotten a piece from the wrong side! My side might have been contaminated by veggies, yuck.

"Steph, would you indulge me in something?"

"Sure, what do you have in mind?" I asked.

"It doesn't fall under your categories for 'illegal, immoral or fattening' and isn't really a guilty pleasure," he said with a smile. With that he excused himself and he went into the bedroom and retrieved a couple of well worn books.

"I told you that I read a lot as a kid," he said looking at me. I just nodded. He went on, "I got a bunch of books from a flea market when I was around twelve about this guy called 'Doc Savage'. He was kind of the pre-super hero, he was a man who was trained from birth to fight evil. The stories were originally written in the 1930s and have been republished on a regular basis since then. Anyway, I loved the stories and the adventures. When I got a little older and fell in with a bad crowd I forgot about Doc Savage for a while. After I went into the military I ran into somebody who loved 'Doc Savage' and between the two of us we collected and read all of the books, there were a bunch of them.

"I knew I was never going to be that caliber of a man, but it was something to strive for. Nowadays there is too much information being published regularly to keep up with all those disciplines, but I could do my part to work on the side of right in society."

Looked like we were going to be playing 'To Tell The Truth' or some such thing. It wasn't making sense to me why he'd tell me all of this now.

He went on, "You remember how you told me that you wanted to be Wonder Woman when you were a kid?"

"Yeah."

"This is who I wanted to be," he said indicating the books in his hands. "It would mean a lot to me if you'd read them."

He didn't say please. This wasn't a question. This was a request from one friend to another.

"If I have questions about stuff or I don't get it, will you answer my questions?" I asked.

"Of course," he said.

"Good. This is the kind of a book club I can get into. Limited membership. Short books. No regularly scheduled meetings." I said with a huge grin.

"Besides," he said, "My family always thought it was important to have words to live by and I liked Doc Savage's Motto." He read the words from one of the books:

'Let me strive every moment of my life to make myself better and better, to the best of my ability, that all may profit by it. Let me think of the right and lend all my assistance to those who need it, with no regard for anything but justice. Let me take what comes with a smile, without loss of courage. Let me be considerate of my country, of my fellow citizens and my associates in everything I say and do. Let me do right to all, and wrong no man.'

"Powerful words and amazing ideal," I said to Ranger. "I think you do a pretty good job."

"Thanks Babe."

He looked pleased with both himself and with me.

We sat quietly next to each other for a little bit while I thumbed one of the books.

Finally he said, "I do have one guilty pleasure I don't think you've ever been exposed to. Tomorrow's my last day with you. I'd like to expose you to it. Are you willing?"

"I might be willing, depends on what it is. Can you tell me any more about it than it is your guilty pleasure?" I asked.

"No. You are in or you are out. I can live with your choice either way, it is a one time offer that will expire," he said looking at his watch, "in about five minutes when I kick you out so I can go to sleep."

Crap. "It's not going to wind up in the news or raising the cost of my health insurance, will it?" I asked, with Ranger it could be jumping out airplanes for all I knew.

"I can safely promise it won't impact anyone's insurance rates and you won't wind up in the news. I hate to pressure you," no you don't, "but I need to know and I'll have to make phone calls to set it up in the morning."

"Sure, count me in, I guess. What's the dress code?"

"Now that you've committed, you can't back out. So I can honestly tell you that the best part is there is no dress code. Clothes are optional, you can go with or without," he said with a very broad smile.

"It's time for you to go now Babe. See you in the morning at the office, we'll leave from there. Sweet dreams," he said. He left me with an amazing kiss and I found myself ushered out his door.

Damn it!!! What time did Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt open anyway? I was going to have to make an appointment with Father Frank now for sure.

I thought I was looking, but had I just stepped into it again? I didn't think about the possibility of a clothing optional contingency and we had never gotten around to resolving one freaking thing in our 'non-relationship' relationship.

What had I gotten into? Was this a trip to the infamous 'bat cave'? Was this a trip to a nudist colony? Was Ranger going to make a commitment to me and seal the deal by 'sealing the deal'? Probably not. Was this just another opportunity to see me squirm? Probably that was the most likely one.

I was in denial about this whole thing with Ranger. Yes, I was expanding my horizons. Yes, I had expanded my horizons with all of the guys. No, I didn't necessarily know what those horizons were going to be at the time. No, I hadn't been too afraid once the process started. Why was I getting myself so worked up about all of this?

♣♣♣

Ranger's e-mail was sent before 7:00 am, but I hadn't opened it. Evidently the energizer bunny had no problems reaching whoever it was he needed to reach to set up the day. OK, breathe and just open it. Fine. OK. Clothing optional, that's what he'd said last night and I was going to make sure I opted to keep my clothing, I wouldn't mind so much if he took his off.

The morning dragged a lot like the first workday of January had. I was finding myself looking at the clock hoping it would go faster and praying the hands didn't move at all. I was somewhere between terrified and excited and kept bouncing between the two mental states.

Finally, it was time for me to meet Ranger in the parking garage. He was completely casual in a pair of faded jeans that clung so in all the right places with another painted on shirt in an incredible blue and the requisite sunglasses. He looked like a human 'Joe Cool'. I on the other hand looked like me, no amount of make up was going to give me that 'suave and sophisticated' look. Maybe next time.

He wanted to check out a fancy new bistro in a swank part of town. When we pulled up, the hostess saw me initially and looked less than impressed; then she noticed who I was with and couldn't do enough for us while we waited for a table to come available. As Sally Sweet had been known to say, "You've got to know how to accessorize, man." No shit. Ranger was probably the best kind of an accessory any girl could ever ask for and he was appropriate for just about every occasion.

It was a lunch that proved to be very pretty on the plate and very tasty but not even enough food to feed Rex. By the time we were done eating, I was actually starving.

"Hey Ranger, can we stop someplace and get something real to eat now? I mean that was a lovely idea, but a girl could wither away here."

"I was thinking the same thing," he said with an easy laugh.

We found a sandwich place that was nearby and split whatever the daily special was. By the time we got done, it was past time for us to head to the appointment he had made for the two of us. I didn't worry about us being late. Traffic light fairy liked Ranger and made sure he got nothing but green lights. If it had been me, I would have been granted nothing but reds.

We finally arrived at a very discreet white building with a Koi pond and an oriental garden in the front. The sign in front of the building said, "Listen to Your Heart". It was an odd name for a business, whatever.

We walked in the front door to a large reception desk. The woman sitting behind the desk had just answered the phone as we walked up, "Listen to You Heart, we specialize in helping you find bliss. How can I help you?"

Ranger got her attention and she held up one finger for us to wait. We did.

Directly above the desk that had a large plaque that read:

Just for today, do not worry.

Just for today, do not anger.

Honor your parents, teachers, and elders.

Earn your living honestly.

Show gratitude to everything.

Nice. I wished I could live my life that way.

I was reading it when the girl sitting behind the reception desk said, "Welcome back Mr. Manoso, which treatment did you chose for today. I need to let Barbara know so she can finish getting the room ready."

He looked over at me and said, "Babe, clothes or no clothes?"

It looked like a reputable place, but I wasn't sure about the whole no clothes thing at a business, so I said, "Clothes."

"Marie, we'll be taking the Reiki treatment today."

"Very good. I'll let Barbara know. Can I get either of you anything?"

"Wine?" he asked me.

"Water, please," I said.

He held up two fingers indicating water. We each received a bottle from someone else while Marie went into the back room.

"What exactly are we doing here, Ranger?" I asked.

"Expanding your horizons, Babe."

"Come on, what are we doing?" I asked again sounding a bit like a petulant child.

"Today we're going to do Reiki. It's basically a healing treatment. We will each lay on a table with blankets to keep us from getting cold. The practitioner puts his or her hands on various spots on the body with the intention of sending healing energy to any parts of our bodies that might need it. The practitioner doesn't even have to know what it is that needs the healing energy. Reiki energy is kind of like water, it flows and goes where it is needed," he said.

"So why do you know so much about this?" I asked.

"I like having Reiki and other bodywork done, it's my favorite of my guilty pleasures. My job takes a lot out of my body and I try to give it what it needs to restore it. I have taken the training and do it myself, but I spend too much time alone. I crave the touch of other people sometimes, so I let someone else do it for me," he said with a smile.

"What exactly would we be doing if I had said 'no clothes'?" I asked.

"Probably either deep tissue massage or hot stones. It would depend on what you were open to, I've trained in them all and come here and get all of them done," he said.

Definitely this was not a side I would have anticipated from Ranger. Ranger probably also did the whole mani/pedi thing on the sly and never told anyone. Maybe he even did monthly facials; come on, there had to be a reason his skin always looked so nice. I tried to sneak a look at his hands, but he shoved them into his pockets before I had a chance. Seemed he'd turned his ESP back on.

We were escorted back to a smallish room with two massage tables covered in sheets. There was a small fountain in the corner and soft music playing on speakers somewhere. The room smelled faintly of mint and some kind of incense, it was exotic and warm. Something about the room felt safe and secure.

We each took off our shoes and got on the table. Evidently you were supposed to start on your back and move to your belly for the last half.

When the practitioner got started, it felt light, warm and gentle. I immediately fell asleep and Gary, my practitioner, had to wake me to roll over so he could do my back. I could have stayed there for hours and let him do his thing.

When it was finally over I felt calm and refreshed like I hadn't felt in an age.

"So is that how you usually feel after you do one of these treatments?" I asked.

"Usually. Sometimes calm. Sometimes energized. It depends on what is going on and what intention I set before the session started."

He led me behind the building to a labyrinth. We were supposed to stop and meditate about things as we went around it, mostly I just looked at Ranger. Hey, looking at his form was a calming thought, sometimes.

We headed back to the office to check in and see about dinner. Ella had outdone herself again. She made the most sumptuous chicken marsala I'd ever had with a rich flan for dessert. I could get used to having Ella cook for me always.

After dinner Ranger took me back to my apartment. He sat me down on the couch next to him. He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm ready to answer your question. Do you want to talk?"

Shit. What question? I'd been asking him questions about all sort of things that he never seemed to get around to answering. 'Do you want to talk?' that's not Ranger. Ranger was Mr. 'Babe, we need to talk.' so this was either going to be a good thing or a bad thing.

"Sure Ranger, let's talk," I said crossing my fingers.

"So tell me, Babe, have you learned anything since you've started to 'expand your horizons'?"

"Can I think about that for a while, Ranger?" I asked.

"I'm not asking for you to do a thesis. I'd just like to know what things strike you about the whole experience."

"In a minute. Yeesh."

Sure. I'd learned all kinds of things. But what did he really want to hear?

Recently I found a copy of 'The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love' by Jill Conner Browne. She said that one man is never really enough for any woman; rarely did one man have what it took to fulfill all of a woman's needs. She also stated that unless you were sleeping with them, they could all be called boyfriends. When you started sleeping with someone with intent, then they became a fiancé whether or not you ever headed down the road to matrimony.

I was amazed that there were five specific categories of men that each woman needed. For example you need one man who can fix things. You need one man who you can dance with. You need one who can pay for things. You've got to have one you can talk to. The last man is the one you have great sex with. That was pretty handy, I currently had five men in my life. Evidently I had five boyfriends. Not bad, in one afternoon I went from no boyfriend to five just like that. Pretty impressive. I was still in a famine of sorts, but at least now I could safely say that I had boyfriends.

But enough of that ever so brief escape to denial. I doubted he would be happy with my answer. It was time to think about Ranger and how he wanted that question answered. How do you tell one man that you fell in love with a different man each month? If my mother ever found out about this little confession, there wouldn't be enough Canadian Mist this side of the border for months AND she'd have me in Father Frank's office as soon as she possibly could.

Did Ranger want to hear that I fell in love with Tank? I mean I fell in love with the confidence he tried to instill in me. I fell in love with the way he looks at the world. I was awed that he was planning a life outside of this one, where his inner needs and passions could be met. I was impressed with his thoughtfulness of me on the camping trip by providing me some chocolate; probably Lula had warned him it would be a smart thing to do and that doughnuts wouldn't hold up. Tank was going to be a great husband and father some day, if he ever decided that's what he wanted.

Did he want to know that I fell in love with Lester? I mean the fact that Lester had so many more aspects to him than he wanted anyone to ever see; so many he hid from the world at large? Who would have ever guessed that Lester actually read more than the back of a cereal box? I never would have thought I would have the most clean cut Valentine's Day date in my entire life and love every minute of it, and it was all Lester. I had never credited myself for being aware of so many things at one time as I was with Lester; sometimes it was because he was trying to off balance me, and other times it was so we could literally move like one.

How would he feel about the fact that I loved Bobby for wanting to give so much to the community? The fact he literally had an unpaid part-time job as Scout Master to a bunch of kids who didn't necessarily have a lot of options. That he loved what he did so much that he wanted to share it with the whole and entire world, girlfriends included. I was amazed at the depths of his knowledge and willingness to work with the absolute novice. This isn't to mention the fact that instinctually he knew the best dives around and what their specials were and took little old me with him.

What about how I felt now about Hector? I didn't even know where to begin to see how I felt about Hector. In my entire life, no one had every gone to the extremes he had to make me feel like I was a lady worthy of respect. I had always opened my own doors and thought I would always have to fight my own battles, tend my own wounds. He had been a witness during some of my more embarrassing moments and yet he never teased me about any of them; only tried to give me comfort. I wasn't going to even go there about the way I felt when he kissed me. If nothing else, Hector had raised the standards for how I would let any future men treat me; I did deserve to be treated well and with respect. In a lot of ways, I guessed I loved him, too.

Was I in love with Ranger, too? Definitely. Of course. Maybe. Probably. I thought so. A lifetime ago, he had been teacher/mentor and then friend and now employer and still friend. He had proven himself to be quite the master gardener with me. When we first met I didn't know the first thing about fugitive apprehension and gradually got the skills to not only do it but to make a (sort of) living doing it. He selflessly helped me whenever I needed it, no matter the cost to him. He had always been confusing to me about being close and backing off; seemed he didn't know what he wanted either from me or from life. He was a man who continued to want his privacy, but I was fascinated by the things I'd learned both from him and about him during our month. In the past I felt like my life was an open book and I only got glimpses of pages of his life, now that I knew so much more about his, I was in awe, again.

I realized that I had lost any fear of any of the guys I worked with; now they were truly friends and I knew I could without doubt count on them in my personal life as well as professional. I knew that I would do whatever I could for each of them whenever they needed me. They no longer had to fit into the ideal I had created for them; they were all great people in their own rights. Each of them was 'worthy' of the title 'boyfriend' in the Sweet Potato sense.

I had gone outside of my little world, my comfort zone and done alright. I will probably never be a great painter, but now I could appreciate great art. I will probably never be a great dancer, but at least I know I can follow a lead. I still can't fix things, but no longer hesitate to make an attempt on my own before I give up. I will never be outdoor girl or wilderness girl, but I have a new found appreciation for running water and electricity. I still don't love eating vegetables, but now really appreciate the effort to bring them to harvest. I also realized that not all guilty pleasures needed to end in a trip to visit with Father Frank at OLPG (Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt).

Wow. I'd learned a lot. I'd deepened my relationship with each of the guys and now saw them as so much more than co-workers; they were truly good friends.

"Anything specific you wanted to know about what I might have learned?" I asked attempting to turn the tables on him.

"Just what stands out the most to you as a result of all of this," he said.

"Friendship. Respect. Trust," I said counting them off on my fingers.

"No details for me?" he teased.

"I think that about covers it for each of the guys and for you, too," I said. "It sounds like you are fishing for something specific. I can't answer something I'm not asked."

"Actually, you've answered a poorly phrased question well. Now I think it is time for me to answer your question," he said looking at me intently.

A/N: Nope my Spanish is not that good, I can take credit for a lot of things, but I won't even consider taking credit for that. "To My Lady of Poetry," translated by Kay Short, appear in Alfonsina Storni, "Selected Poems," edited by Marion Freeman. White Pine Press. Copyright © 1987 Marion Freeman, Mary Crow, Jim Normington and Kay Short.) USED WITHOUT PERMISSION.

The next chapter is the conclusion…..thanks for reading! Alf