Disclaimer: Teen Titans is the Property of DC Comics
Chapter 16
"I can't believe I forgot about Crystal," said Beast Boy, covering his face with his hands. The adults were all now sitting at the kitchen table; Taye and Crystal were at school, Nicole was in her room playing, and the twins were still in bed. "I'm the worst father ever."
"Oh, please do not be upset," said Starfire. "You did the sleeping in; it is not a large deal."
"Yeah, but I always get her up and see her off," said Beast Boy. "She must hate me for abandoning her."
"Would you listen to yourself?" laughed Cyborg. "She doesn't hate you, man. She was a little confused, but she wasn't crying or anything."
"Yeah, it's probably a good thing you weren't holding her hand for once," said Nightwing. "She needs to learn that you're not going to be around all of the time."
"But, I mean, it's not like I was out on a mission or anything," said Beast Boy, who still felt horrible. "I was sleeping in late in a woman's bed! She's probably gonna need therapy now."
"Oh for heaven's sake," groaned Bumblebee. "She has no idea you were with Raven."
"She doesn't?" asked Beast Boy.
"Of course not!" said Bumblebee. "Like were we going to say, 'Sorry, sweetheart, but your daddy's currently preoccupied sleeping with his fiancé in his arms.' Give us a little credit."
"You saw us?" asked Raven, blushing.
"Don't worry, it was just me," said Cyborg.
"Oh, that makes me feel better," said Raven sarcastically, looking down in embarrassment, still coughing.
"Hey, don't be embarrassed about it," laughed Bumblebee. "That's what fiancés are supposed to do. I mean, yeah, you two haven't even kissed before, but, still, it's expected that you'd be together."
"Okay, how about we change the subject?" said Beast Boy, who was blushing just as Raven was. "Um… hey, we're gonna move Crystal into Ravens room today."
"Wow, you're okay with that?" Nightwing asked Raven.
"Of course I'm okay with it," said Raven. "It's Crystal I'm worried about. I doubt she's going to like having to live with me for the rest of my life."
"No, it's only until we find a cure for you," said Beast Boy optimistically. "Besides, when she hears that we're repainting her room she's gonna flip. She's been begging me for this for at least a year."
"Raven, you are really going to try to keep a child with you at all times?" asked Starfire. "So that you feel well?"
"Not at all times," said Raven. "That's unfair to everyone. Just most of the time."
"No, all of the time," said Beast Boy. "I want you around for as long as possible."
"Well, aren't you the selfish one," said Raven with a smirk. "Anyway, I actually feel pretty good right now and none of the kids are around me. Figure that out."
"Huh, that is odd," said Nightwing.
"Great, there goes our theory!" said Cyborg, throwing his hands up into the air.
"Well, maybe your theory is only half right or something," said Beast Boy. "Or maybe Rae's actually getting better."
"Oh, do you really think so?" asked Starfire, hope beaming from her eyes.
"Uh, sorry to disappoint you, but I highly doubt that I'm getting better," said Raven. "It must be something else. Maybe it's my medication."
"I highly doubt that," said Cyborg, quietly aside.
It was a generally slow day, or as slow as slow days can be in the Titans tower. While Crystal was still in school they began moving her belongings into Ravens room. Raven even felt well enough to help and do some of the heavy lifting, even though Beast Boy was yelling at her to take it easy. Sure enough, an hour into it she began coughing and feeling dizzy and tired. Jack was immediately thrown at her and after a minute or two of holding him she did, indeed, feel energized and well again.
"Wow, I guess you're right," said Raven. "I really do feel better when I have a child near me."
"Guess that means that our theory is kinda right," said Cyborg.
"Now we just have to figure out why you felt good for a while this morning when none of the kids were around," said Nightwing.
"Well, I'm glad we have a way to keep you healthy," said Beast Boy as he began dragging Crystal's toy bin out of its corner. "Though, I don't understand why kids are your cure."
"Yes, I am most confused about that as well," said Starfire.
"I don't understand it either," Raven sighed. "But, I'm not about to question this good fortune. I have too little of it as it is."
"Ain't that the truth," said Bumblebee.
Beast Boy dragged the toy bin to the door and into the hallway. As he went, toys began to spill out of it, which went unnoticed by him. Raven followed after him, Jack still resting on her hip, and picked up every single toy that spilled out; to Jack's delight. It wasn't until Beast Boy reached Ravens room and saw her standing behind him with her arms full of toys and baby Jack did he realize.
"Uh, is there a hole in this thing?" he asked, looking the toy bin over in confusion.
"No," said Raven, half chuckling and half sighing. "They fell out as you recklessly dragged it through the hall." She dropped the toys back in the bin and then readjusted Jack since her arms were growing tired.
"Thanks," said Beast Boy. "But you didn't have to pick them up. I could have gotten them on the way back."
"I know, but I wanted to help," said Raven. "I may be holding a baby but I can certainly still help out with this whole room moving business."
"I know, I just don't want you to tire yourself out is all," said Beast Boy.
"Don't worry," said Raven. "When I feel tired I promise I'll take a breather."
"Yeah, but you never admit when you're tired," Beast Boy laughed.
"That was before," Raven shrugged. "Now I feel comfortable enough to admit when I feel weak. Besides, I know you'd yell at me if I tired myself out."
"I wouldn't yell at you," said Beast Boy. "More like scold you," he added with a smirk.
"Well, I'd rather appreciate it if you didn't," said Raven. "I'm an adult, Beast Boy, so you can treat me like one."
"Ha! When have you not been an adult?" he laughed.
"Touché," said Raven, holding up a stuffed animal to Jack who giggled.
Beast Boy watched as Raven softly smiled as she entertained Jack and he couldn't help but feel himself smile as well. "I remember when Crystal was that little," he said. "She was the happiest baby. I would sit with her in my lap for hours with one toy and both of us would be entertained the entire time. That was probably the only time she's ever sat still. I can't even pay her to sit nowadays."
"I don't have a problem getting her to sit," said Raven. "I just show her a book and she's in my lap in an instant. Actually, the first time I was going to read to her she crawled into my lap on her own. She must have learned that from sitting with you."
"I guess," Beast Boy shrugged. "You know, she never once sat with Terra like that. Even when Terra actually wanted to spend time with her Crystal would always whine and crawl away from her. Then Terra would get pissed off and yell at her and call her a brat or something like that."
"Well, I don't approve of that," said Raven.
"You know, I know that Terra could be kinda self centered and immature sometimes, but the truth is, deep down, she just wanted to be loved," said Beast Boy in a softer tone.
"We all want that, Beast Boy," said Raven.
"Yeah, but I don't think I could ever give Terra the amount of love she wanted," said Beast Boy. "And she couldn't even get it out of Crystal. Her own daughter didn't love her enough."
"But she did love her," said Raven.
"Yeah, but not nearly enough," said Beast Boy. "Terra needed to be doted upon and embraced constantly. I just don't know why I couldn't give her that. And it kills me that she died feeling like no one loved her."
"Of course she knew that she was loved," said Raven.
"I just… I feel like she can't rest in peace because of it," he said, softly. "I feel like because I couldn't love her the way she deserved her soul's never gonna rest. And that guilt is killing me inside."
She watched as his shoulders and his head dropped in sorrow. She had never really seen him like this before and she wasn't very comfortable with it. He was sad, but still, he wasn't really mourning; and that was what he needed to do. She couldn't stand seeing the toll all of this guilt was taking out on him.
"Beast Boy, you shouldn't be feeling any guilt," she said, plainly yet kindly. "You loved Terra as much as you possibly could and that should've been enough for her; just knowing that your entire heart was for her and her alone. And if that wasn't enough, then she should have started loving herself more. She only wanted and needed all of that love because she couldn't love herself."
"No, I wasn't loving her enough," he said, stubbornly. "I mean, maybe I spent too much attention on Crystal. If I had spent more attention on Terra then maybe she would've been happier and we could've stayed together and she wouldn't have tried to lead the team and she wouldn't have died. See? It's all my fault. Her death, the reason she was so unhappy, it was all my fault."
Raven looked at him, shocked. She couldn't believe that he felt it was all his fault. It was clear that he was still upset about losing Terra and he was thinking irrationally about it.
"If you could go back and do what you just said, ignore Crystal and love Terra more, would you?" she asked.
He sighed and said, "I don't know."
"And if you did do that and Terra was still around, do you think you'd be happy?" she asked.
He shrugged and said, "I don't know; I might be. I mean, if I was the kind of guy she needed then she'd be happy and I'd be happy that she was happy and… everything would be right."
"As apposed to right now, which is all wrong," said Raven plainly, a bit of bite in her voice.
Beast Boy sighed and took a seat on her bed. "I just feel like there was something I could've done to save her," he said, looking down. "She was the ultimate damsel in distress and I could never step up and save her. Every time I let her down. It's so hard for me to live with myself, as a man, knowing that."
Raven thought about this and then realized something. He was trying to save her and make her happy to somehow make up for the fact that he couldn't save Terra. He was using her as a replacement. This whole time when he said he wanted to make her happy, the fact was that he was trying to succeed where he failed so many times. He was still in grief and guilt; a very bad combination. She felt a pain in her chest as she realized all of this.
"I wish she could forgive me," he said, breaking her thoughts.
"Maybe you're not the one who needs to be forgiven," said Raven, holding back her pain. As if, on cue, Jack began to fuss for the first time in Ravens care. She hushed him gently and tried to calm him, but it was clear she was in distress as well. "I-I'm going to take him to Starfire," she said and then quickly left the room.
She swiftly walked down the hallway back to Crystal's room, where the others still were. The moment she walked into the room they could all see that something was wrong. She handed Jack to Starfire and then practically ran out of there. She wasn't sure where she was going, but she knew she had to get out of there. Because she could feel tears and if there was one thing she would never let her friends see it was her tears.
She ran up to the roof and there she allowed her tears to fall. It wasn't long before Starfire and Bumblebee went up to make sure she was alright. They found her sitting in the corner of the roof, trying to breathe through a horrid coughing fit she'd gotten herself into.
"Um, Raven?" said Starfire. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine," she said, trying to calm her coughing fit.
"Come on, tell us what's going on," said Bumblebee, going to her.
"Really, I'm fine," said Raven, catching her breath.
"Please, Raven, tell us what is wrong," said Starfire. "You never tell us when you are upset and we only want the best for you."
"Yeah, so spill," said Bumblebee, getting comfortable.
Raven sighed and wiped the remnants of her tears away. "Well, Beast Boy started talking about Terra and…"