Note: The character Dirk's real name is Kye. So either appellation refers to him.
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Chapter 13: Consequences and Punishment
"I…" she could not answer him. His eyes so clear and piercing were running her through. He waited, but not for long. The silence stretched and then seemed to implode on itself.
"I gave you my trust," he began slowly. Those words seemed to scorch her as if he had interwoven them with weaves of fire. She could not bear the closeness of his face to hers. His eyes were too sharp his voice carried too much hidden remorse… disappointment. She felt like she had upset her favourite sul'dam, she wanted to whine for his forgiveness but struggled to speak. So she cowered back away from him. He was going to punish her for her recklessness. He had set out rules, though he had not explained them, sul'dam did not always explain what they wanted either. That, however, in no way mitigated the punishment for infringing those rules. That was how damane learnt to be careful: Learnt to obey unspoken commands, learnt not to be curious or reckless. Those things were for real girls, not damane.
Still in a way she felt relief. This was an end to the charade. The pretence that she was in some odd way 'free' or not damane; marathe-damane she corrected herself. Now he would make it all clear. He would punish her and they would both know where they stood in the order of things. Knowing your place in the order was crucial, that was one of the first lessons you learned if you wanted to live in Seanchan.
"Of course it do be up to you, what you do with what you are given," Dirk continued. "I did give you unconditional trust and I did not ask you, not to Read my things. That is what you be doing?"
Kea could barely process what he was saying. His accent was never clear to her, but it was not that. He sounded like he was not going to punish her. It sounded like he was taking part of the blame himself. It was too confusing to bear. Sul'dam were never wrong, they never took the blame… but he was not a sul'dam. Through her hail storm of thoughts, she managed a numb nod.
"I wish you had asked me Kea," he sighed.
"Why?" she blurted out unexpectedly. He looked over at her his eyes sad and empty looking. His face remorseful, his demeanour upset.
"Because I thought you trusted me. If you had you would have asked me." Here he shrugged, "Of course I would have let you. I did let you with my key did I not? But like I did say, you are free. You be free to make choices, even choices which I do not be liking. But Kea, you have got to understand, and I do not be thinking you do, that choices have consequences."
Consequences, there was a word she understood. He was going to punish her. She had been punished a couple of times without the Power. It was not the same; it was cruder but not as all consuming. She wanted to show she was ready to accept the consequences, ready to put things right. She almost got his sword to give to him but realised that that action would only make things worse and she did not want to upset her new leash-holder. She saw a be-laying pin and picked it up; beside it was a thick stick which looked promising too. She picked them up and took them to Dirk. Then she knelt at his feet and faced the floor her eyes lowered as she had been taught to take her punishment. She was a good damane.
What fell on her back however was not painful. Instead it was his hands. With a surprisingly gentle touch, for hands that had laboured so roughly in their time, he took her and turned her to face him.
"Kea, I would never let anyone do that, no one."
She looked up at him and saw him smiling at her though his face was still sad and disappointed. "The consequences of you doing this without asking me, is that you have hurt my feelings. Try to understand that I wanted you to trust me and to treat me as if I was as important as you. I want you to treat me as if I was a real person to you, maybe even your friend. Friends do ask they do not just take. The consequence is that I am disappointed in you and in myself."
He released her arms and stood silently. "I haven't decided what to do about my memories. I lost them for a reason and I am afraid that if I get them back I may find out why I lost them." Without another word he turned from her and moved across the deck. He had not gone two strides when her cracked voice brought him to a halt.
"Dirk, please!"
He stopped; he could no longer ignore that voice, that plea. If indeed he had ever been able to. Turning he faced her and forcing his mouth to move again though he was gagging with the anguish of arguing with her. "Yes?"
She was at his feet and reached up to him pleading. "Please don't punish me like this Dirk?" she begged. "I cannot bear it! Hit me instead. I will be good again, I will. Punish me I don't want to choose, I don't want consequences! Punish me instead!"
He knelt quickly so their faces were once again close. He reached out to her and laid a hand on each of her shoulders. "Quietly now Kea," he warned. "People will hear us and that is a danger to us both." His voice sounded horse and hollow even to him.
"You are a free woman Kea. You make your own choices and I make mine. You do not choose for me and I do not be the person to choose for you. You do not deserve a punishment. You wanted to know and so you used what you had to find out. I just wished you had asked that is all."
She was crying now. Tears stained her lovely exotic face as she gazed like a wounded puppy into his face. "Can I make it better? Can I have it back? How do I get it back?"
"Get what back?" he asked.
"That word, your 'trust'. I want it back I want us to be… friends."
He smiled at her and felt his own heart lighten. A lesson had been learnt, by both of them, tonight.
"Trust do not be bought, stolen or wrested by force. It do be a gift and one we do earn. You have earned mine. Tonight you did shake that trust Kea." He paused here to brush a tear from her eye and to smile reassuringly at her. Locking his eyes into hers and willing her to hear the truth of what he was saying he clearly articulated each word. "But you do still have it." Then with another smile he left her and Kea sat speechless to consider the consequences of what he had told her. The boat continued on its journey blissfully unaware that it was sailing into a war zone.
The White Tower of Tar Valon was among the most majestic buildings ever built. It amazed Kea as she saw it spearing its way out of the island city. So awed was she of the city that she almost ignored the armies camped on the banks surrounding it. Some men shot arrows at the Elder Tub as it rolled past but the Aes Sedai aboard were having none of that. They had both been holding the power almost since rising and had erected shields of the Power around the boat. Kera Sedai openly sneered at their attackers.
"Fools! What do they hope to accomplish by laying siege to Tar Valon? They cannot win this way! As long as the chains remain in Tower control we control the river. If we have the river they cannot starve us out and an assault… ha! Suicide!"
It was unclear if this speech was for her remaining Warder, her Sister Aes Sedai, Dirk and Kea or the men of the boat. Possibly it was just for herself. Kea however nodded her head in agreement with the woman's assessment. She had been involved in several wars and using The Power in war. With the walls and river as defences unseating well armed defenders with One Power back up would be impossible without damane. These Aes Sedai would not use the Power to smash the walls and call lightning against the Tower or each other. These 'rebels' should be destroying each boat as it came. Kera explained that the boats were unlikely to come under One Power attack.
"Rebels they may be but they have taken the Oaths just as we have. They know if they sink these boats in the middle of the river there will be deaths. They cannot get around that!"
There they were again thought Kea, even as the Tub started to draw within Tar Valon itself, the Oaths the things that made you Aes Sedai. It seemed the Oaths would be the consequence of her training to become Aes Sedai. They were now her goal.