This is a very long chapter but trust me it had to be. I hope you enjoy it and forgive me for lack of detail in areas; I had a lot to get through.
Note: The character Dirk's real name is Kye. So either appellation refers to him.
Disclaimer: All profits to RJ
Chapter 16: To be Accepted
It was eerie, to be woken almost in the middle of the night. It was even more unnerving when the person who awoke you was Silviana, The Mistress of the Novices. The moment she awoke Kea knew it was serious. The Mistress wore her hair tight around her head, almost like a crown and her shawl was in full view the red-fringe on it clearly on display. Indeed today the Mistress of the Novices wore a dress of complete red as if wishing to emphasis her Ajah.
She had been told to dress and follow. She had complied immediately and in absolute silence. She was good at following orders. She was proud that she hadn't immediately grasped saidar upon being woken. It would have been an unforgivable slip.
The duo had made their way, still without explanation down the tower. Soon they passed beyond the lowest level and were in the bowels of the Tower. For the first time Kea realised that the Tower probably extended as much beneath the ground as above it. For some foolish (She now admitted to her self) reason she had assumed it would have been more trouble to burrow out the earth than to build above it. She had not reckoned on building with the Power it seemed.
The Mistress of the Novices kept glancing at her, as if expecting her to do something. She guessed it was questions that were expected but saw no reason to open her mouth when not directed to. That way led to penances and she felt no inclination to bend rules that never needed bending. She could be as patient as any Aes Sedai and intended to prove it.
As the time dragged on and they descended, lower and lower, through the bedrock foundations of the ancient Tower, the silence seemed to build in volume. Eventually Silviana Sedai spoke to her.
"This is a time that waits on no one. The Wheel weaves as it wills. I am taking you towards you test to become an Accepted. You know too much of the Power already for you to be comfortable at the level of Novice."
Kea did not speak, even to disclaim. "You will progress much better as an Accepted, free to choose your studies and more often studying with full Aes Sedai rather than Accepted. One of the most important lessons of being a Novice, that of humility and obedience, you seem to have learnt almost at will. Those lessons will serve you well as an Accepted and it is why I have pushed for your advancement. I hope I have not chosen wrong."
Kea still did not reply, but came seamlessly to a halt behind the red clothed woman. Silviana opened the door beside which she stood leading Kea into a small domed room. In the very centre of the room was a silver circle. Springing out of it were three archways side by side. They seemed seamlessly connected to the archway itself as if the whole thing were of a piece. Beside it were three women, all wearing fringed shawls, all sitting at the points where the arches touched the silver ring. One wore grey, another brown and the last white. They ignored her and seemed intent on the silvery apparatus before them. Beside the strange construction was a table that had upon it three ornate silver cups with handles on each side. The chalices were filled with a liquid she could not see until see approached. She felt oddly relieved to see that they were filled with water. Behind the table was a fourth Aes Sedai, one with a yellow-fringed shawl. Kea gave a start as she met her eyes. This was the woman, the one with the circlet who had been part of the past of Dirk's cloak. She decided instantly that she disliked the woman but knew in the same instant that she had no justification for her dislike. The Aes Sedai seemed stern but made a visible effort to smile at Kea.
"This is Revoir Sedai, Kea. She and these others will take you onwards through this test for Acceptance," explained Silviana. Kea immediately bobbed a curtsey.
"You have been told some things about the test for Accepted, I know. I made sure you were given the relevant texts. Did you study them properly?"
"Yes Aes Sedai," Kea replied promptly.
As she so often did, she left Silviana as if expecting more. The Mistress of the Novices gave a shake of her head and a bit of a smile. "Kea those you must have noted are incomplete, as much of the test is to do with confronting your own fear. Fear of the unknown in a powerful test of courage and determination. But now you are here in this room you may ask questions about the test. Some of which we will likely be able to answer.
Kea curtseyed her thanks and spoke. "It is a test of how I deal with fear and that apparatus is involved?" she asked pointing at it.
"Yes it is a ter'angreal that must be channelled into in order to work. That is the purpose of these three sisters. In it you will confront your fears once for what was, once for what is and once for what will be. No one will ever ask you what you faced in there. I will tell you that it will sear your heart it did mine. But your heart is your own child. I will not ask you to lay it bare to me and nor will any other Aes Sedai. It will be enough for us if you can choose to return each time. That is the true test. Do you want to be Accepted and become an Aes Sedai?"
"Yes, more than anything else."
"It must indeed be more than anything else. If it is not you may not come out of this ter'angreal. Now I will tell you two things that are not told to any, until they stand where you stand. One," she held up her index finger, "once begun you must continue to the end. To stop at any point would mean you being put out of the Tower. We would provide you with some money but you will never be Aes Sedai. Two" this time she did not pause for questions it seemed she had given up on Kea wanting to ask. "To seek, to strive, is to know danger, some women enter and do not return. We keep the ter'angreal charged for a long time but sometimes when we finally let it quiet there is no one there. If you are to survive you must be steadfast." As she said the word must her voice became stronger and her eyes more piercing. This is your final chance before the test is officially begun. You may refuse and you go back to being a Novice. You may refuse up to three times. On the third time however you will be put out of the Tower. Still you can refuse this time and only have one mark against you. Think carefully before you answer."
Kea knew her answer but she did as she had been asked and thought it over. She needed this freedom and mostly she needed the right to channel. Channelling was life and channelling free of the collar was heaven. Being as Aes Sedai meant she could channel for the rest of her life, and not kill but do more, help more… and maybe, maybe have a Warder."
"I am ready to be Accepted," she replied firmly. How true that was it was all she had ever wanted. Now it would be true.
Silviana took her to the table where Revoir Sedai stood. The Yellow sister spoke in clear formal tones. "Whom do you bring with you, Sister?"
"One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister," replied Silviana, her voice now strong with authority and formality. The words were clearly to be said exactly the same each time.
"Is she ready?"
"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."
"Does she know her fears?"
"She has never faced them, but now is willing."
"Then let her face what she fears."
Both the women turned to her. Kea knew what to do the text had been explicit enough. Nothing form before could go through this with her. Everything had to be left behind. She thought about when she had had to shed the a'dam in order to live. This was no different. She removed her simple white dress and folded it in two and handed it over to Silviana. It was all she had brought; she had known there would be no need of 'things' here. Silviana carefully placed the dress on the floor behind her.
She was guided to the first archway by The Mistress of the Novices and quietly, but clearly, Silviana spoke once more even as she motioned towards the open archway. "The first time, is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Kea walked into the arch and was submerged, surrounded and suffocated in the light.
She shook her head slightly, that was not like her. Sumeko Karede did not get light headed. She almost tugged at the leash, but she had not needed to do that in many years. She smiled to herself remembering that day so many years ago. She had been so excited taken in to be tested. You were always worried that you might fall at the first test but she had known she would not. The second had been easy they had put on the bracelet and she had felt the woman though it. Very soon she had been able to transmit pain through it. Taken as a sul'dam and trained she had advanced quickly. She had performed miracles with recalcitrant damane; she had brought great glory to her name and her family. She had been raised to the blood and now could paint and lacquer her two smallest finger nails. She looked down at them now in pride. She was walking and almost without thinking and certainly without tugging her damane was walking along tamely beside her. The way out will come but once. Be steadfast.
This was to be a victorious day for her. She had been chosen to be a personal sul'dam to the Empress, trainer of her daughter. She was der'sul'dam and widely acknowledged the most gifted that had been in many years. She knew how to use pain and all damane feared and loved her. She just had a firm touch that all animals knew and responded too, no matter how wild. She was accepted she fit into society. Everywhere she went she was well known and admired. Her protégé had been chosen by the Empress as her heir and The Daughter of the Nine Moons would have a place for her upon her ascension. Never, had any one sul'dam been so powerful or as respected as she. No man would refuse her company, though she had never chosen one. She could have anything and yet all she desired was to collar marath'damane. They were the danger and anything done to them was acceptable to make them see that. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
She knew something was wrong the moment she saw the throne room's doors. There were no Deathwatch guard there, which could not be. She suddenly forgot all protocol and with a mental flick urged her damane into a run to match her own. She smashed through the doors like a natural force unleashed her fears mounting. But even her wildest nightmares could not account for what lay within.
The Crystal Throne was awash with blood the Empress was on the floor certainly murdered. Around her body were numerous others, Deathwatch guard and regular soldiers alike, all dead. She immediately pulled on the a'dam with her mind and her extremely well trained damane was alive with power. The men and women still standing in the room flung themselves in all directions. Some foolishly attempted to charge her others simply ducked for cover.
Lightning flashed and Sumeko heard herself screaming commands and spiting out her anger. "Assassins, murder in the throne room of the Empress!"
The men charging were split asunder by razor sharp blades and blown apart by explosive force. Lightning struck bodies were flung around the room falling like skittles. Then arrows sprouted from Cheera and she fell lifeless. But Sumeko was not done. She began to shout even as she released the bracelet and took up a sword.
"Stop," came a loud and clear voice. "I command it!" A young man stepped out from behind a pillar. "Listen to me Sumeko Karede der'sul'dam of the first order to the Empress."
"Prince Ryuke," she breathed her mind awash with confusion.
"Listen to me der'sul'dam," repeated the Prince. "My mother is dead and soon if orders are followed Tuon will be also. I will be Emperor and you will need me."
"Traitor! Your screams will fill the Tower of Ravens!"
"Sumeko Karede, der'sul'dam you know the way the succession works it has always been thus and my mother," the words were tinged with a sarcastic respect, "knew that better than most."
"Why do you not kill me?" she asked realising that he surely could and would now she was incomplete before reinforcements arrived.
"You are no danger now but you could be a great asset I know a powerful secret and I intend to keep it from all but these my closest conspirators."
An apt title for these traitors she thought. "You can use a'dam on some special sul'dam and my sister among them. Yes, now you see, no one will know it is her when her hair is changed her finger nails ripped out and her eyes properly lowered. Dressed in the grey of damane it will be better than having her dead. But she has been sul'dam and will need someone to train her who knows everything, every trick and obstacle. She will need you to break her in properly. Truly, you will be needed and held highest of all sul'dam. You will be the first sul'dam to know the truth, the first to be bound by that truth to me. You have no choice, follow me, betray your old apprentice, she is no more than marath'damane. I know because I had another sister who is no longer my sister if you understand."
Her head spun, the Power, the unclean filth the damane used, some of it was in her. Impossible, she had failed the test for damane, she knew she had. But had she? Somewhere something in her stirred and it felt good. She was powerless, if she revealed that she thought the Prince's blackmailing ridiculous and awful treachery she would be dead in moments and the Daughter of the Nine Moons exposed this lie would be allowed to get out and bind all sul'dam to this foolish traitor. But she could not make her mouth form the lie. She had not deliberately told a lie her entire life she could not be false to that now. But she could not fail it was up to her. Her urgency did it. She was being filled with something. It was the Power and it was so sweet, she began to understand why the damane truly loved to use it even to kill. She knew instinctively how to kill with it. She had spent her entire life directing the damane to do exactly that!
"Oh Prince Ryuke, I think you will find me not so powerless after all. Lightning blazed through her. She would slay all the traitors, reveal their plan, save Tuon and protect her as she was risen to Empress. Only then would she share the secret and teach Tuon to do as she was now doing; to channel this Power and become Empress in reality as well as name.
Then even as she saw her destiny laid out before her, even as the Power lay upon her ready for use, a silver archway appeared. Be Steadfast. She had to leave it: her high Power, her respect, acceptance among her own people, all it. She could not even save her protégé. Angrily she thrust her body forward and leapt through the archway cursing.
She was on the stone floor her memory flooding back into her. A test! This was her test! She had come through but how she hated it now she knew it was just a test! What was the point of being an Accepted when she could have been the first sul'dam in history to rise as high as the royal family? She would have been the first, the best… but then she stopped. Could some sul'dam really channel, or had that been part of the test? Was it real or illusion? Was it just a mistake that that day she had been tested and they had striped away her name and replaced it with Kea. That had been her name, Sumeko, she had almost forgotten. Was it just a mistake that she had been the dog instead of the master? Could she have found a place with her own people? Did she need to continue?
The Yellow sister raised one of the silver chalices over her head and poured it over her. "You are washed clean of what sin you may have done," she intoned "and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."
"You did well," said a kind voice. She looked up into Silviana's face and saw she was proud of her. A little like some of her sul'dam had been when they had looked at her like that. She tried to shift the image. There was an important difference here. These women cared that she came out alive so much they offered her training and chances to back out. This time she chose her freedom, her acceptance and her own glory. This was freedom to use the Power and to give that freedom to others.
"Is it real what happens in there? Is what I did real? Is what they told me true?" she asked.
Silviana stopped on her way to guiding the dripping Kea to the next archway. "No one can say," she replied carefully. Kea could see she had shocked Silviana Sedai by asking her several unprovoked questions. She saw some of the look of pride slip into worry and concern. That only heartened Kea though rather than discourage her. Silviana knew she had been rattled that showed that she knew Kea the person, not just Kea the 'thing' or Kea the channeller.
"It seems real; certainly the dangers within can kill you and hurt you. But some sisters and here Kea noticed she flexed her left hand. Suffer great injury inside but when they return they are without a mark on their bodies. I believe that it shows us shadows of what could have been and what could be. Not necessarily what would have happened and what would be. This is an object of extremes of that I am certain. Are you ready?"
Kea nodded and stepped forward. "The second if for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. She entered the archway, she knew she would not remember but at least this time she knew a little of what to expect she knew why she was going through this. Now she knew why you weren't allowed to quit once you started.
Her master needed her. She knew that, she needed to find him. She searched the woodland for him but she could not find his trail. She reached out scrambling over rocks and moss covered boulders. She had to get to him soon. He was never away long unless he had to be. He took care of her; he told her what to do. He loved her and only him. She had to find him.
She raced through the forest, green leaves swaying overhead making the light flicker and wave. It was almost as if here under the canopy was under a sea of green foliage. She felt like she was running through water, so slowly pushing against the resistance. She felt like she was drowning not being near him. She ran or swam onwards. Desperate for him like she was desperate for air, nothing else could compare to being near to him, to lying with him.
Then she burst out of the heavy woodland and onto the open fields beyond. He was standing there smiling laughing. She ran to him, almost unable to hold in her squeal of delight to be reunited with him. She was about to hurl herself into his arms when she noticed he was speaking with people and at the same time he noticed her. "Down girl!" he snapped sharply. His eyes went hard for a moment. If he looked at her that way she was to obey immediately, he was not playing. She crouched at his feet and arrayed herself as he liked so that she would appear pretty and helpless. Making sure that he not only knew he could do as he liked with her but that anyone who watched would know he could as well.
He muttered something and then flashed a hand signal at her. Disappointed. He was disappointed because she had taken too long to come at his call; she had not performed to his high standard. She was furious with herself; she had shamed her master in front of his friends. He might be angry with her; he might not take her to his bed or even let her eat near him. He might make her stay away from him which was worse than torture.
"Is the collar effective Dirk?" asked a man with drawling accents. She glanced up and received a light cuff round the ear. Her face blazed red, not with anger, but with shame. To force him to use physical force when he had used the hand signal already was shaming.
"The collar is as effective as it ever was but this is far more effective. I no longer wear any bracelet and I need no leash. My new way is far, far better." Her master was taking about her and he sounded pleased. Maybe he would just beat her and still let her please him. Maybe… if she was lucky.
"This new way? You really think it works?" asked the other man. Behind him were a line of girls, Kea had seen them when she had glanced up. Each and every one was leashed to a long wooden pole except two who were leashed to the others man's bracelets. He wore two bracelets, silver and identical in every way. She was afraid of them, they could hurt her.
"Love? Oh yes it works. She loves me and she will do anything for me. And I mean anything! Trust me you will enjoy having her, she is extremely well trained and has some great tricks she can perform." Master's voice was proud as he explained what a good girl she was. She would not let him down. She would pass this test. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
"Yeah but can you transfer that love though, Dirk?" the man sounded doubtful. How dare he doubt her master!
"Watch" replied her master confidently. He made a click signal and she sprang to her feet.
"Kea," the master asked. "Do you love me?"
"Yes, yes!" she replied fervently. "More than anything!"
"What will you do for me?" he continued.
"Anything that can be done, or that my master can imagine."
"Very good Kea. You now need to go with this man. He is your master now. You have to obey him as you would me. If you do not Kea, it will prove to me that you cannot be a good girl and obey me like I have taught you. I have been good to you and loved you now you must do something for me and serve this man. You must use your special talents and do everything he asks. You will kill anyone he tells you to. If you don't he will think that I am not a good trainer of little girls. Will you do that for me?"
How could he ask? "Of course master!"
"You remember the hand signals and signs I taught you?" he asked the man his tone of voice changing in an instant. The man nodded.
"She responds well to tone of voice, a little beating but not too much or she starts to do things to get attention, she loves attention and will dote on you for it eventually. If you use my signs and whistles and slowly teach her your own she'll learn fast. She is well trained, I promise she will not disappoint."
"Looks like you really do deliver on your promises Dirk. I am glad I trusted you with this. Here is your money and the nine girls. None of them is trained like this Kea." She almost glowed with pride. "But they should fill your eyes and your bed as you need. I imagine you have got quite bored of one already trained girl. All of these still need their collars."
The man suddenly wrenched the two girls he was leashed to, hard. "Especially these two, they cause serious trouble, don't understand who they belong to."
Master only smiled and she saw with some confusion that it was a hungry smile. He took a large bag of gold from the man and then the two command bracelets. Finally he stepped over and thoroughly examined the seven girls attached to the pole. Kea bristled. He was her master he should not look at them and want them like that. Quite suddenly he turned and caught her eye. She cringed away, ashamed and afraid of what might happen if he knew her thoughts.
"Come girl," said the other man. She looked up at him. He was not nice to look at like master. He did not make her blood fire and the limbs weak. But she saw in his eyes a look she had seen in her masters and for the first time in many years she did not obey immediately. She was hurtling back through the air her lip was cut and bleeding and her head rang in pain.
How dare you! You little," and he swore at her. Her master swore at her. "Look at how you repay my love. If you love me do as I say and the first thing you are asked you don't! Lick his feet and apologise to him until he tells you to stop and then you go with him!"
"But master when will I see you again?" she dared to ask. Afraid to leave him, she would rather die.
"Never. Kea try to understand, I know you are not clever but try. I have sold you. I am going to have these girls and this money instead. This is your master now. Do as you are told and go with him. I have better things to do!"
Then he left whistling and forcing the new girls to follow him. Their training had begun and one day they would love him like she did… had. She began to cry as his voice faded into the distance. She felt an inexplicable rage. She had been tossed aside, after everything they had shared he had not cared. After all she had done for him, given to him. She had submitted to everything, trusted him not only with her body but her mind, even her soul and now he had sold it. And for what! A little pack of sluts!
"Come girl I need you to use your Power to kill my wife. If we can do it now before it gets too late I'll give you a try out later."
Her anger still bubbling flared and she did what she was trained to do. She killed. He died. Then her thoughts turned to Dirk. He was not her master, he had freed her from one leash but leashed her himself. But his leash could not be seen or fought or severed. What he had not understood it seemed was that the leash ran both ways he could not pass it like a sul'dam could. Standing up she prepared to run and find Dirk. Find him hurt him and kill him for ripping open her heart and then selling it on like a broken tool. Wrapping her fury around her she could barely think as she charged towards the woods. Then she saw it, a silvery archway. The humiliation of all the years she had been his loving pet screamed for vengeance. Her obsession and desire for him was excruciating. She had to force him to love her as she loved him. The Power could do that, she could do that, she knew, but the archway shone at her, mute but demanding. Obey. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
She knew that was important but she so wanted to hurt him: for hurting her, for using her and then tossing her aside, for reducing her to less than an animal. Be steadfast, she had to be steadfast, she had to obey. Could she really kill him anyway? She loved him. So tears of anger, humiliation and sorrow mingling on her face she hurled herself once more through the silver archway.
As she entered the room she was screaming. She had believed she was strong enough. Even after the first she had thought herself equal to this task but not anymore. She screamed and wailed. "He's not like that! He's not! I'm not! He wouldn't! I wouldn't kill him! I wouldn't!" The tears would not stop. "Do it to me! Only do it to me. Leave him out of it, you can't change him, leave him alone!"
She was being drenched in cursed water. She did not hear the words as the stupid Yellow-shawled sister repeated her empty litany. What did she care for that?
"You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean in heart and soul."
"Child, child, stop listen to me." Silviana was on her knees and Kea was weeping into her lap. "You must stop, I know it is awful but you must control yourself. Did you think it would be easy?"
"I thought it would only be about me. Why did it use him? I hate it! I hate it!" Kea sobbed. At least she was no longer screaming she thought.
"I know. I know you do, trust me, I know well. But if you wish to pass this test and become Accepted. If you wish to one day be Aes Sedai, more than anything," she stressed those last three words, "then you must stand up and enter once more. Now maybe you understand better than ever what it costs to be Aes Sedai. Understanding that cost will make it easier to understand why we act as we do sometimes, we are a misunderstood organisation. We are a sisterhood that are isolated by the very things which make us great. Sometimes we are even divided from within. That is why the test is so stringent; if you cannot get through your own fear, how can you protect others from theirs? Now stand child and finish this!"
Mainly because she had never failed to obey a direct order from an Aes Sedai she stood and presented herself before the final archway. No matter what after this it was done. She could cry and cry and forget like Dirk had forgotten. But she would be Aes Sedai, free, free from the awful vision she had just had no Aes Sedai would do as she had done in that archway. Then she remembered a damane in her kennels who had supposedly been Aes Sedai before her capture. But no, as Aes Sedai she could bond Dirk her Warder and then he would not, could not leave her or betray her love so cruelly! Yes once she was Aes Sedai her problems would be as nothing. Dirk would accept her, everyone would accept her and she would be one of them. One of the family. It had been so long since she had had a family. "I am ready," she managed in a shaking voice. At least it had not cracked. "I will be Aes Sedai."
"The Third time" intoned Silviana, "is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast!" Afraid she might be too scared to go in if she waited Kea ran into the third archway. As she did her finger touched it and for a moment she thought she heard a man at such a distance she could almost not hear him saying "You Eriannith Morel have been sentenced to face your own fears, as judgement. If you are truly innocent as you claim and you wish that to be known more than anything you will return to us. If you do not return, you are guilty and not fit for this world. Face your fear, know yourself and give us the truth. We will see what was. The way will only be offered once. No one will go in your stead. When you see the archway leave fast or not at all." The man was dressed strangely and seemed to be an official, she realised she was reading the roots of the ter'angreal, which meant she was channelling something she was not supposed to be doing. Then the light consumed her once more.
She was astride a horse. He was proud in bearing and was looking up at her lovingly. But she knew, she remembered clearly that this was part of the test. She had not the other two times; her reading the roots or at least channelling had changed that. But as she sat astride Hilldancer and gazed at the rising sun she still felt its warmth and the freedom of the hills. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
Oh she would, this would be easy she would not be dragged into this dream this time. That was what they felt like dreams… or nightmares. They were not real, Dirk was not that way, nothing could touch her.
"Hurry Aes Sedai, when the Amyrlin calls she does not like to be kept waiting. A Two Rivers Temper, I believe they call it."
She turned and groaned aloud. He was there again, Dirk, but he was old at least older. He seemed to be sixty maybe even a few years more. His smile faded, "Kea," his voice took on an urgency bread of concern. She knew it was concern, because she could feel him inside her. Well of course she could, he was her Warder, he had always been her Warder. They sometimes joked between themselves and called him her fourth oath she had bonded him so soon after becoming Aes Sedai. It had taken her less than half an hour to find him and privacy. She had studied the Warder bond thoroughly whilst she had still been Accepted. Accepted… no this was the test for Accepted, this wasn't real! She had never jokingly called him her fourth oath, he had never…
Suddenly she remembered their life and adventures together and they had had many. Over the many years he had served and protected her they had done so much, fought so many. She unconsciously pinched the sleeve of her green dress. Green, like her Ajah, The Ajah of which she ran the internal eyes and ears. The Ajah from within which she had helped destroy the Black. But Egwene was not sure if the Black was destroyed. That was why she had called Dirk and her back to the Tower. She needed her Black Ajah hunters once more.
No she would not be sucked in! She looked around for the archway but was no where to be seen. "Kea!" Dirk shouted. She span in her saddle and glared at him. He smiled in return and let out a sigh. "Nice to know you are still alive!"
"I thought you always knew I was alive through the bond," she said a little coquettishly.
"I do know it better through my heart," he replied.
"Now shall we hurry before the Amyrlin Seat decides that the new punishment for lateness is washing pots?"
"Or a private penance with Nynaeve Sedai?" laughed Kea despite herself. She didn't even know a Nynaeve Sedai! What was she saying! But Dirk laughed back and set off down the hill moving easily on his huge black mare. His sword topped with the Nine Bees of Illian bounced up and down in its sheath. Its hilt was bound in brown thread. No not thread, her hair!
They rode towards the Tower and it felt like coming home. She looked forward to retuning to the Green Ajah rooms and sleeping on her own bed. She looked forward to Reading more ter'angreal, it had been too long since she had had one to study the roots of. Then there would be a list of Accepted who wanted to develop the Talent of Reading Roots and then there would be Histories to catalogue and update. They kept asking her to stay at the Tower until she finished her book. But she knew she would never finish it. After all the 'Roots of the Tower' went deep and so would the book of the same name. She had written down everything she could remember and each time she read the Tower more and more came pouring out like a torrent and some of it not for public consumption even among the Aes Sedai. Still the Brown Sisters were adamant. So much to do there and yet she and Dirk old as they were always managed to get sent out of the Tower to fight the Dark One and his agents across the land. That was what being Green meant after all.
As they neared the Tower and the light dimmed she saw Dirk looking up more and more. Not at her but at their destination. He too wanted to be home. Not to go to the Tower but to a little house in Tar Valon, their home. "I hope he still remembers me" he said finally. He spoke the words almost as an admission.
"Who?" asked Kea. "Anyone would remember you Dirk."
He glanced at her and she saw his eyes and knew he loved her. She felt it in her heart and soul and it almost made her shriek with joy. "Jace, of course, our son. He's so young and we leave for over a year. I am just worried he won't know who I am any more."
She was speechless, she knew they had a son and she could see his face. She could feel Dirk's love for the boy. His love of how much the boys obedient and giving spirit reminded him of his wife. The love he felt for both of them, his contentment and his fear for them. That was so real, that was how she imagined Dirk would be. But this was not real, it wasn't! She looked around searching for the archway once more. She had to leave this was getting to be too much.
They rode into Tar Valon night had fallen. Guardsmen tipped their hats to her deferentially. Some greeted Dirk with a laugh, others a salute. Two Warders who passed them approached calling out greetings till Dirk's silent face told them business was still at hand. In no time they were in the Tower and novices were cutting them a path to the Amyrlin's office to give their report. When they arrived in the corridor outside her door stood the two paintings side by side. One was a painting of a stern woman with a Red shawl around her shoulders standing in front of a crouching figure wearing the seven stripes stole of the Amyrlin Seat. A shadow covered the face of the Red Sister as if some fell evil outside of the picture was bearing down on them both. The Red sister looked old but resolute and stubborn. Underneath it was a title, 'My sacrifice is not for you but for the Light, the Tower must be united!'
The second painting was of a black heart and into it were plunged six daggers each a different colour and each with a name tag attached to the handle. It was to commemorate the fall of the Black Ajah during the Great Purge and those Aes Sedai who had delivered them to the Amyrlin Seat. The colours were white, red, brown, grey, yellow and green. The names she knew without reading them: Seaine, Pevara, Saerin, Yukiri, Doesine and of course, her own.
The uniting of the Tower and the cleansing of the Black Ajah were the two greatest achievements of Egwene al'Vere Amyrlin Seat of the Aes Sedai. In confidence Egwene had told her she hoped to add mother and survivor of Tar'mon Gai'don to those achievements and to add paintings to match.
As she entered the study, hell broke lose and the White Tower seemed plunged into the very Pit of Doom. Windows shattered and people began to scream. Men and women were running everywhere. When she got inside she saw Egwene, running towards her.
"Good to see you Kea Sedai. But unless you can explain what is bloody happening, it'll have to wait." Kea said nothing; it was one of her better traits and helped her keep her oath not to lie in tact.
Warders and guardsmen were rounding the corner. They were led by Gawyn, Egwene's own Warder. "Under attack!" he shouted. They landed on the roof. There are hundreds, maybe more. They have channellers!"
"How did they land on the roof?" shouted Egwene as she past him and moved onward. He only shrugged and followed her. As they moved through the Tower scared sisters and men alike joined in the wake of the Amyrlin Seat. Her strength and anger seemed to unite them. "If this is Bloody Rand al'Thor, I'll ring his neck for him!" Egwene cursed under her breath.
Kea pretended she had not heard. She was good at that too; it was very useful with Dirk. Gawyn grinned and drew his sword. Dirk's sword had been drawn since the first smashing glass. She had felt him draw, felt him prepare to die defending her again. He had prepared for that many times, she had never given him the satisfaction. That this might not be real had gone from her mind. All she could think of was the immediate danger and the preciousness of her memories.
A Tower Guard commander rushed over to them but did not just join in Egwene's firebrand entourage. "Mother," he exclaimed. "General Bryne is dead. A… a greyman, mother. They have attacked from the roof, Seanchan. They have damane and we can't get enough men up there. They are destroying the city from on top of the roof!"
"You cannot get up there but I can!" snapped Egwene. Then she paused. "Suian Sedai?" The soldier bowed his head and Egwene let out a yell of anger. "You she shouted to a man, move!" He did and even as he hopped aside she wove and a doorway appeared in the space. It seemed to lead to the roof and through it they poured.
It was chaos. The roof was covered with Seanchan warriors and flying beasts. It seemed hundreds of damane and sul'dam were there as well. Egwene led the charge as the Aes Sedai attacked. Luckily the Seanchan left them in no doubt that their very lives were under threat and the Power of killing flowed both ways. But it quickly became apparent which side were better at using the Power to kill. Tower forces began to falter and no reinforcements came to support them. All they could do was kill the damane, but some of the Aes Sedai were collared and forced to fight against their own side. Worse their own side had to kill them. Dirk was crying as he slew his third captured Aes Sedai and her sul'dam. His sword was not as quick as it had been in his youth but his Warder bond allowed him to draw on her channelling extended life force when he needed it. There forces thinned out and then she saw the sight that she had feared. The Amyrlin was surrounded by too many and the very face that she was trying to kill a soldier with a knife evidenced that she had been cut off from the one power. How they managed that, without a circle, was anyone's guess. The sul'dam could not make a bigger link than two. But then Kea remembered the greyman. The forces of the shadow were here. She looked more carefully then and saw uncollared Aes Sedai killing their own and she knew she had failed. The Great Purge had not been as complete as they had arrogantly claimed; the Shadow still stained the Tower.
"Collar her!" shouted one woman.
"I will never be collared!" screamed Egwene. Suddenly Kea realised she was screaming too. Never, never again! It was worse than death to return to that slavery after tasting this freedom and love and power. Egwene hurled herself at a sul'dam and was suddenly immobile held with Air. Kea would not allow it. She severed that flow and threw lightning down around the Tower roof. They panicked and one of them must have believed Egwene had broken the shield because a moment later the greatest Amyrlin Seat of the Age was dead, a burnt husk, dead but uncollared. Kea began to weep and knew she would never stop.
Then too late she felt the collar slipped around her own neck. She screamed and tried to turn and attack the sul'dam who had collared her but as she had known it would the a'dam sent pain rippling through her body reducing her to futile sobs.
"No!" Dirk's scream hurt even more than her failed assault on her captor. He had seen he was going to kill himself trying to rescue her. She understood his old Aes Sedai now, oh how could she let him die?
"Dirk, Dirk. Beloved of my heart, hear me! Please, hear me, my love."
He had never known how to ignore her if she pled. She rarely did Aes Sedai could not lower themselves that way. But she knew this was the way to get him to agree to anything. That pleading note was her only chance.
He stopped his eyes were wild with hate anger and aggression. A dozen soldiers lay dead before him sundered at neck and torso. Limbs lay about him like a fell storm. He was no blade master and he was slower and weaker than he had once been but his fear for her drove him like a man gone mad. He looked into her eyes and she saw his tears. He hated her collar even more than she did. "I cannot let them do this to you!" he roared. But even through that she heard his pleading. He knew what she was going to do.
"I am old I cannot bear this Kea. I cannot bear it if they make you a slave again!"
"Too late for that" came a snarling voice.
Hating herself for failing him. Hating herself for commanding him where he did not want to go. Hating herself for betraying the man she loved. "Surrender to them my love. Dirk, please, for me. I love you. I can bear this but only if you are alive. If you were dead how could I? Think of the pain to me Dirk." The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
"I'll not be surrendering as your Warder," he said dully. He removed his cloak and unbelted his sheath, throwing all of it to the floor with his sword. "But I can as your husband. I surrender," he announced the deadness of his eyes like blades in her heart. She almost forgot to care that she herself was collared and a slave to the a'dam. It hurt too much. Then she saw it the archway. How could she reach it? Suddenly she knew what she had to do. It isn't real! It's not real! The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
"Dirk, save me!" she shouted. His eyes lit and he surged towards her. His blade was in his hand and in a moment it was whiling through the air. The sul'dam holding her leash died and she leapt towards Dirk. Even as swords entered his body he seized her collar and forced it open. He was bleeding dying. Still crying, she had not been able to stop since the Amyrlin's fall she pulled away from him and fled towards the archway. Surly they should have stopped her, a simple weave wound have sufficed but they didn't. Every single enemy seemed intent on killing her Warder, her husband, the love of her life, the light of her existence. Just before she made it to the archway she felt his light go out inside of her and she knew what Aes Sedai felt when their Warders died.
She tumbled out of the ter'angreal angry and overcome with grief and despair. How was it possible that all those serene women had come through this?
"I hate you all. I hate this test! How could I be made to go through that? I am not evil! It's not real!"
Silviana was already helping her to her feet. "There are no answers you need to give. You do not have to come through those archways unperturbed and all serenity. Your only answer is that you do come through them. It is answer enough for all of us, because we have done it and we know. Now stand and find Acceptance."
As she stood she saw the Amyrlin Seat and realised that she was the woman in the Red shawl that had stood in front of Egwene in the picture outside her door. Not for you but for the Light. Had it been real? Like a prophecy? Oh please no! Anything but that!
She knelt before the Amyrlin who poured the final chalice of cold clear water over her head. As she did some of her tears were washed away and finally with it over she was able to not replace them. "You are washed clean Kea of the Seanchan," (My how bitter it felt now to have had anything to do with her people. Even her blood and flesh must be evil!)
"You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Kea, Accepted of the White Tower. You are sealed to us, now."
The Amyrlin spoke clearly and with strength. Next to her were a line of six sisters one from each of the remaining six Ajahs within the Tower. As she passed each one she bobbed a curtsey as if she was wearing anything. She fixed their faces in her mind. They would remind her to be humble, they had seen her tumble weeping from that archway, they knew, others might guess, but they knew. She feared, and that was all there was to it. She was afraid and she was weak. But the oddest thing was as she curtseyed and met each sister's gaze she felt it. Surprised, but gratified, she left that now hated room. In their eyes she had found it. This is what it felt like to be accepted.