CHAPTER 14

AN:
3cheers4Snape: Thanks for pointing out the spelling issue with Sonja's/Sonia's name. I also just remembered that Jhumpa Lahiri uses "Sonia" (short for Sonali) in her book The Namesake…In Switzerland, "Sonja" is the preferred variant (among the Swiss people).

yaoi-fied: Naughty, naughty…:-D

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The bar was a cosy and homely place with old-fashioned wood panels and a charming creaking floor. Harry peeled off his cloak, revealing a black button-up shirt and tight blue jeans. Severus himself was dressed in black trousers and a crisp shirt similar to Harry's.

Severus's eyes flitted over Harry's figure appraisingly while Harry looked at Severus equally assessingly. They ordered their drinks and went over to a table.

Severus watched his young husband closely. His manners were very correct. No elbows on the table. No wiping the mouth with the hand. Good posture, neither stiff as a board or hunched up. The green eyes behind his spectacles seemed pensive. He noticed Severus's scrutiny and raised his hand to flatten his disobedient hair in a gesture which indicated nervousness.

"There's a young man who seems to be interested in you, Potter," Severus remarked.

"I am not interested in him."

"You haven't even looked at him. He's sitting at the table on your left."

Harry frowned slightly and looked over. A sleek brown-haired man, a little older than him, flashed him a bold smile.

Harry averted his gaze at once.

"But I'm with you! Surely he can see that from this distance!"

"Potter, do we look like a married couple? I am old enough to be your father."

"Do married couples have a certain look about them? Do couples have to be married to look like couples? Or be the same age?"

"Why don't you go over to that nice young man?" Severus suggested.

Harry stared at him, astonished.

"But you didn't invite me to spend time with someone else. And this is a bar. People are not only out for friendship here, right?"

"Am I such a good catch that you are so reluctant to converse casually with him?"

"Did you bring me here so that you could watch me flirt with someone else? That's…that would be really…odd, Severus. Do you really think I would do that?"

Severus realised that he was making one faux pas after the other, each worse than its predecessor. Harry was becoming quite upset and angry; his face was tense and his posture was stiffening.

"I apologise if I misjudged you. I was under the impression that a young eighteen-year-old man like you would be keen on…experimenting, especially in a marriage of convenience."

If he had hoped to pacify Harry with this remark, then he was badly mistaken.

"Experiment? You mean, sleep right and left with people? Okay, I don't want to sound judgmental. Some people do it, and it's their business as long as they use protection. I just do not happen to be the type. I'm not saying that I haven't done a bit of self-exploration-"

he broke off, going very red. Before Severus could comment or respond, he plunged on:

"-and I guess you know about Cho Chang and how it ended, but apart from the fact that I'm not the fling-type, I don't think a relationship would be safe for my partner with Voldemort after my ass. And talking of Voldemort…Where is there time to think of dating and stuff? And last but not least, I am married. I have got a sense of commitment. You really don't know me well at all, Severus."

There was an awkward silence during which they both looked away from each other. The brown-haired man had found someone to talk to in the meantime.

"What about you? I mean…er…have you had many…relationships?" Harry asked, expecting to be snarled at.

Severus shrugged.

"Never anything serious. Every once in a while a man from a muggle or wizarding bar. And if they'd try to talk me into excluding protection, then I would hex them."

"Hex them? How?"

"Make them suffer from impotence for a month and modify their memories afterwards."

"One month? Merlin! But they must have gone hormonally overboard after that one month, or suffered some, er, physical damage."

Severus's mouth curled in a rather malicious smile.

"I wouldn't know," he said silkily.

Harry was quite bewildered. He could hardly believe that he was talking to Severus about intimate relationships, of all things. Or that he had implied to Severus that he pleasured himself.

Severus, for his part, decided that Harry was innocent verging on charmingly naïve. His shocked reaction when Severus had suggested that he talk to someone else in the bar had said everything he had ever wanted to know. Considering that Harry had been forced into a loveless union with him, it came as a surprise that a smart good-looking youth like him did not avail himself of the first opportunity to get rid of Severus and flirt with another person. He wondered why. Did Harry have such an overwhelming sense of duty? Any emotional attachment to him, Severus, was naturally out of the question.

Severus found the green eyes studying him curiously.

"May I ask you something personal?" Harry said.

Severus's eyes narrowed a little. He was extremely reluctant to tell anyone anything personal about himself – least of all Harry. But for the sake of some kind of ceasefire…

"It depends," he said. "I need to hear your question first. If it is impudent or moronic, you will have to suffer my anger."

"What was realising that you were gay like?"

Severus gazed at him impassively for a few moments. It was an extremely personal question, all right. Impudent brat, he growled to himself inwardly. Mentally gritting his teeth, he asked:

"For me or for others?"

"Both." Two questions shoved into one, just like the two of them had been shoved into this wretched marriage.

"I was upset. I knew that I would be judged and condemned. There are wizards and witches who claim that homosexuals contribute to the lack of magical progeny."

"That's bullshit!" Harry exclaimed loudly.

"Unfortunately not for them, Potter. I am mocked on a regular basis by Voldemort and the Death Eaters because of my sexuality, as I was mocked by others at Hogwarts."

Harry's throat felt dry.

"Severus, did my Dad and Sirius know that you were gay and…and…bully you because of it?"

"A few times. Your mother stopped them."

He sipped his drink. Harry was feeling ill.

"I don't think they were prejudiced against homosexuality, Potter, but they tried using it as a weapon against me because, as you are aware of, we hated each other."

"My Mom stopped them?"

Severus's thin mouth curved into a bitter smile.

"She told them how low they were being and to stop it."

"If she defended you, then why did you call her a Mudblood?" Harry asked bluntly, aware of the dangerous ground he was treading upon, "was it because you were so humiliated in front of that crowd? Or…were you starting to learn more about the Dark Arts?"

"I do not wish to talk about it," Severus said sharply.

Harry tried another tack.

"On our wedding certificate, it is indicated that you had a witch mother. Were you thinking of your muggle father? After what I saw in the Pensieve-"

"You have asked me enough questions, and I have given you enough answers," Severus interrupted him, his voice soft as a whisper – a sign of imminent anger.

"I'm sorry. It's just…I'm trying to understand why you are insecure."

Severus's face tautened, and Harry realised that he was he who had committed a faux pas now.

"I…I mean…You do so much, go through such a lot of danger, but-"

"That's enough, Potter," Severus snapped.

Harry apologised again, flushing. He realised that Severus was determined to keep him scratching at the surface. It was strange. Severus had admitted to having flings without embarrassment or anger and talked about experiencing his homosexuality, which Harry felt just as intimate, if not more intimate, than his childhood.

"May I ask you just one more question?"

Severus's eyes gleamed rather like the time they had when he had given Harry the potion which had solved the problem of his colour-changing hair in such a radical manner.

"The very last one, Potter."

"Uhm…are you reconciled to your homosexuality today? Do you accept it as a perfectly natural part of you?"

Severus took long to answer. He looked into Harry's green eyes, and there was confusion in them.

"I don't know," he said finally. The words seemed to be tugged out of him against his will. Severus Snape admitting that he didn't know something was unimaginable. The answer, however, was enough for Harry. If Severus was not confident about how to feel towards his sexuality, then he was probably uneasy about it.

"What about you, Potter? Did you cry when realisation dawned on you? That you would not end up with a nice girl, marry her and raise rug rats?"

"I didn't cry. I just took it as it came. I was confused at first. A bit upset, or perhaps sort of wary because I had to think of how intolerant people are towards homosexuality. I told Hermione and Ron when I was certain. I also asked them to keep it confidential. And then…Well, Lavender Brown asked me out, and I refused very politely. Ron happened to be around, and he blurted out that I preferred men anyway. And…Yeah…That's all it took for my private life to be splashed across the media. The news was all over the school within a day. But I feel comfortable with my being gay although I've never been or done anything intimate with another man - except for you, that is. Being gay is a natural part of my identity, of who I am. If others feel uncomfortable with it, then it's their problem."

"I am not surprised by Mr Weasley's impetuous action," Severus remarked with a curl of his lip.

"I don't blame Ron. It just happened. He was really down after that, saying that it was all his own fault and stuff. I still think it would have come out anyway, and it was better to be dissected earlier than later." Harry sipped at his Coke. The conversation had been interesting so far, if not quite comfortable. Severus spoke with a certain abruptness and sarcasm which made it difficult to approach him, and their dialogue was punctuated with tense pauses and awkward silences every now and then. In fact, they were silent now.

Severus examined the walls of the bar leisurely and looked over at the brown-haired man who was conversing fluently with his companion. Harry noticed Severus's wandering look and interpreted this as Severus being bored by his company.

"So you'll be teaching me how to conjure the talking form of the Patronus?" Harry asked for the sake of saying something.

Severus gave him a scornful look.

"Obviously. You don't think a fit of teenage anger is going to prevent me from accomplishing my duties?"

Harry chose not to respond. Severus was still determined to see him as an immature tantrum-prone person who was not an adult and most certainly not on an equal level with him in any aspect. He and Severus did not talk much for the rest of the evening, and when they returned to the dungeons, Harry had mixed feelings about the outing. It had not been genuine and it had definitely not been either comfortable or cordial. Harry constantly had to walk on eggshells around the man and be very careful how he formulated his sentences, which was not exactly his forte. In the hall of their quarters, Harry thanked Severus politely for the evening spent away from Hogwarts for a change. All Severus said in response was that he hoped Harry would be punctual for his lesson on Thursday.

He probably he thinks that he has rectified the damage of that nasty comment of his, Harry mused with a trace of bitterness. At the same time, he was still astonished that Severus had not flung his drink into his face when Harry had asked him about his private life.

Probably also part of the apology, that's the only reason he answered, Harry added mentally. He opened the door to his bedroom and undid the fastenings of his cloak. He summoned his sketchbook and a handful of worn colour crayons and broodingly sketched a picture of a padlocked door. For him, it was the perfect symbol of his marriage with Severus and he was still searching desperately for the key. For a moment, he had been so close to grasping that key – when Severus had admitted that he didn't know what he felt like about his homosexuality. It was after that admittance that the conversation had turned cold. Harry switched to a new leaf of his sketchbook and started drawing an iceberg surrounded by a ring of dying fire.

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