CHAPTER 18

A/N: Gaudy belongs to me. However, if there is a gay bar of that name in real life, then it's a complete coincidence.

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Harry looked up as he heard a sound of running footsteps and the hall door slam; Severus was eager to alleviate the itching situation as quickly as possible. His Ashwinder Patronus paid Harry a visit a few minutes later.

"BRAT!" Severus's voice roared out of its fanged mouth before it disappeared with an ominous crackle.

Harry rolled on the floor laughing. He had not had such a good laugh for a long time. When he encountered Severus in the library later, he was promptly cornered by his incensed husband, who had managed to apply a magical salve.

"A little contribution from those infernal Weasley twins?" he snarled.

"Yes," Harry smiled. "I can give you some. You could use them in the staff room."

Severus stared at him, a strange gleam in his eyes.

"How many have you got?"

"Oh, quite a lot. About thirty or so. Fred and George asked me to tell them about the results, but I'll exclude, er, your case."

Severus's eyes narrowed. The young wizard was still smiling roguishly. Severus had intended to rage at him about disrespect and immaturity, only to choke down his words as he considered what he himself had done to Harry – and not only after their marriage. Moreover, the brat – no, young man – was offering to share his stock of pranks with him…

"Fred and George told me that if one casts a Revealing Charm on the surroundings, then one can see the itching powder and avoid it," Harry informed him, "just in case you're thinking of retaliating."

Severus raised a cool eyebrow.

"I think you underwent enough itching during your turquoise problem," he remarked blandly.

"That's why I used the Invisible Itch Bomb in retaliation."

"If you could kindly supply me with six bombs, Potter, then I would be much obliged to you." Severus said dryly, stepping away from Harry. Thoroughly confused at Severus's uncharacteristically mild behaviour, Harry went to fetch a couple of bombs. He made sure the handle of his wand was well within reach in case Severus tried to throw the bombs at him. He would try to put up a Shield Charm or use a Freezing Charm if Severus launched any missiles at him.

In the library, Severus took the bombs with a slender hand. As long as they were in their packets, they were visible. Unpack them, and one could feel but no longer see them in one's hand.

"Clever," Severus murmured, peeling back a portion of the wrapper.

"Are you going to use them on the students or your fellow-teachers?" Harry asked, half expecting to be accused of nosiness.

"I would not mind seeing Lucius Malfoy in acute discomfort," Severus replied softly. Harry stared.

"You're going to use those during a Death Eater meeting?" he gasped.

"They may come in useful," Severus said succinctly.

"But…Volde – I mean, You-Know-Who will-"

"I am perfectly capable of defending myself, Potter, in case you haven't noticed after all this time," Severus said in his usual snappy manner.

"You, uh, won't use them on Vo – You-Know-Who himself, will you?"

"Am I an imbecile, Potter?" Severus barked.

"You are the complete opposite," Harry said seriously.

Severus gave him a suspicious look, as if on the verge of using a slight dose of Legilimency to check whether Harry was being sarcastic or not.

Later that night, Dumbledore was forced to go to the hospital wing due to a dreadful itch attack which had unfortunately chosen his hind quarters as a battleground. Within a few seconds, however, the itching spread to even more awkward places, which, although no longer in a condition to provide him or anyone else with offspring due to age, were still highly valued by him.

Madam Pomfrey looked at the case with the maximum of professionalism before going to search for a magical salve.

"Ah, Severus. I should have expected some kind of revenge after arranging your marriage," Dumbledore murmured, scratching his buttock discreetly. He was not the only victim: Professor Moody clunked his way down to the hospital wing, his eyes (including the magical one) bulging due to paranoia and discomfort. Stern and composed Professor McGonagall was severely distracted during breakfast. Seconds later, a yowling tabby cat with spectacle markings around its eyes was rushing towards the hospital wing, stopping every now and then to rub its furry rump against a convenient suit of armour. Severus helped himself to some scrambled eggs and bacon. Dumbledore watched him with a tiny smile in his beard. He leant over to the Potions Master.

"My dear boy, I am looking forward to the next instalment, even though I didn't particularly enjoy my own predicament," he whispered confidentially.

"Hm," Severus said.

The news of three teachers succumbing to itch attacks spread through Hogwarts with its usual wildfire speed.

"How many bombs are remaining?" Harry asked Severus nonchalantly.

"Three," Severus said impassively, sweeping past him. Harry grinned. Severus the prankster. Who would have thought of it? On the other hand, he was a rather vindictive man. Severus stopped and turned to look at him, leaning casually against the doorframe.

"Are you free tomorrow night?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," Harry answered.

"Meet me at Gaudy at nine o'clock. I may be there earlier, but I'm not sure. Make sure you're at a quarter to nine to be on the safe side."

Gaudy was the name of the muggle bar Severus had taken Harry to. It struck him as ironic that solitary black-clad Severus Snape should have chosen a place bearing such an unsubtle name. But maybe the "opposites attract" cliché had actually turned out to be true for once.

The next night, Harry was sitting at a table in the bar, looking around nervously and checking his watch. Unknown to him, Severus was watching him from behind a wall, too skilled and well trained to need an Invisibility Cloak or Charm in such a situation. Severus smirked. Harry Potter had fought dragons and defied Voldemort more than once and yet he still managed to be nervous. He inched his way to the men's toilet and locked the door of his cubicle. He extracted a vial containing Polyjuice Potion and slipped a hair into it. He had managed to divest an attractive youth in the bar of a few hairs by means of a clever Summoning Charm. The youth had patted his head and swatted at the air, blaming a non-existent insect for the slight twinge he had felt on his scalp. Severus had known that the youth would leave at eight-thirty to work at a cinema a few streets away – information he had picked up as a regular guest of the bar. Thus, there was no danger of twin youths once Severus had ingested the Potion. It was a very small dose and would last for about thirteen minutes.

The reason for this elaborate charade was simple, though decidedly sneaky. Severus felt inclined to test Harry's loyalty and views on marital fidelity when he, Severus, was not around.

Severus drank his Polyjuice Potion and waited until he had transformed. He adjusted his own clothes with magic to fit his new body before venturing forth. He approached the table at which Harry was sitting.

"Hey," he said casually.

Harry gave him a rather wary look.

"Hello," he answered.

"So, what's a cute guy like you doing here?" Severus asked in his disguise. His voice, however, retained his characteristic silky quality, except that it was not snide or sarcastic.

"I'm waiting for my husband," Harry said pointedly.

"Husband?" Severus asked with perfectly faked astonishment.

"We married in Canada," Harry said, raising his glass and sipping his drink.

"Oh, how romantic! Love at first sight, wasn't it?" Severus remarked.

Harry's acting was just as perfect as he replied:

"Definitely. There were sparks between us from the very beginning."

Harry was obviously doing his best to get rid of him politely. Severus was silent for a moment, appreciating the double meaning of Harry's statement. He knew that Harry was thinking of their very first Potions lesson and their mutually established hostility.

"Didn't I see you once long ago over here? I think you were sharing a table with a thin morose guy. I bet you didn't marry that stick," Severus said, feeling decidedly annoyed at having to resort to self-insult. But then, he did not have a very high opinion of himself anyway. He discovered himself looking into a pair of flashing green eyes; Harry pushed back his chair roughly.

"That thin morose stick happens to be my husband, you jackass," he said in a hiss worthy of Voldemort himself.

Severus simulated complete embarrassment and humiliation.

"Er…Oh…I see," he said. "Well…Uhm…Bye."

He fled, and, in a corner outside the bar, underwent the throes of the transformation back into himself. It was nine o'clock when Severus returned to Harry, a drink in his hand.

"Punctual, I see," he remarked, putting his glass on the table and sitting down.

"I was here fifteen minutes ago, like you told me to be," Harry replied snappily. He was still irritated.

"Did something happen?" Severus asked slyly.

"Yeah," Harry muttered, grinding his glass against the tabletop. "Some idiot tried hitting on me and refused to take the hint that I'm married."

"Well…I suppose he didn't view marriage as an obstacle. Not like you do, with your romantic views on fidelity."

Harry flushed.

"I simply like to think that I am responsible. I think I said so before. In this very bar."

There was a small silence.

"McGonagall and Moody tell me that you are doing well in your lessons. Shacklebolt is also pleased."

"They're good teachers," Harry observed. Severus laughed softly.

"Contrary to me," he murmured.

Harry remained composed.

"You don't exactly take pains to be liked by the students, Severus," he said frankly. "May I ask you why not?"

Severus shrugged.

"I've got to earn my living somehow, Potter. Do you think anyone else would engage someone with my kind of past?" Or appearance, he added mentally.

He noticed a man looking at Harry.

"Do you want to dance?" Severus asked Harry abruptly. Harry looked at him, surprised. Then he nodded timidly and got up, going over to the small dancing platform at the end of the room with Severus at his side.

"I, uh, I don't really know how to dance," he admitted.

"That much was obvious during the Yule Ball," Severus commented wryly. He himself had learnt that dancing was a good avenue for initiating more intimate encounters. A slow song was playing. He took Harry's hand in his, feeling Harry's wedding band nudge his fingers. He looked into the green eyes behind the glasses. A couple of people were watching them. They stood out as an unusual couple: the tall older man and his small youthful partner, gazing at each other.

"Those were my toes, Potter," Severus murmured to him.

"Sorry," Harry whispered, mortified.

"Will you stop pinching my hand like a demented crab?" Severus asked.

"Do you always complain so much when you dance?" Harry said tersely, loosening his grip on Severus's fingers.

"I don't usually dance with such catastrophes on two legs," Severus answered.

"Then why did you ask me to dance? In fact, why did you ask me to come here in the first place?" Harry snapped. "Order of the Phoenix business?"

"No."

"Then why?"

Severus eyes suddenly narrowed and Harry felt him press something against his ribs.

"You didn't think you would get away with that itch bomb, did you, Potter?"

Harry felt a tickly sensation encircle his sides. It became stronger and turned into an itch.

"Severus, you didn't…!"

"I did."

Severus drew away while Harry tried not to scratch himself. It was of no use.

"Shit," Harry whispered, clawing at his side. He did not even pretend to walk away; he bolted from the dance-floor with the speed of light, heading for the toilet. Severus suppressed a smirk.

"Upset stomach," he explained to a man who had watched Harry's flight with understandable curiosity.

In the meantime, Harry was scratching his upper body frenziedly in his cubicle. In the end, he managed to stumble out of the cubicle, make sure the coast was clear and Apparate back to the edge of the Hogwarts grounds. Tripping and scratching, he ended up with Madam Pomfrey, who shook her head at the itch attacks which had been going on and promptly equipped him with the salve.

When Severus returned, a glowering Harry was waiting for him, tapping his foot with impatience.

"Now I know why you invited me out," he growled. With his wand, he made a cushion fly towards Severus and thump him on the head.

"What! You have the audacity to fling cushions at me? Just wait…"

He hurled the cushion back at Harry with a powerful non-verbal spell. It hit him with such force in the chest that Harry gasped. Summoning all his power, Harry levitated the remaining cushions from the sofa. They flew at Severus, who deflected them with a Shield Charm. Harry leapt aside quickly, ducking at the same time. He directed the cushions back at Severus.

The cushion duel went on with both parties showing equal resistance and skill until one cushion burst mid-air, showering them with feathers. They stared at each other breathing hard. Then Harry smiled.

"Feathers! Luna would look nice with feathers around her when she sits for me!" he exclaimed.

Severus rolled his eyes, cleared the mess and repaired the cushion with graceful flicks of his wand.

"I could imagine Miss Lovegood posing as a hen," he said unkindly. In spite of this, he did not protest when Harry brought Luna with him a few days later. Ginny was once again responsible for touch-ups, make-up etc. She had already woven delicate silver threads into Luna's long blond hair and given her a set of silvery robes to wear. Artificial feathers hovered around Luna as she sat on a cloth on the floor. Ginny had given her face an airbrushed look with very little powder, transparent lip gloss and the slightest touch of pale eye shadow. Severus witnessed the operations as he sat the sofa from behind the rim of his book. He seemed more interested in watching Harry's movements than in Luna posing as a model. When Ginny left for Quidditch training, Severus lowered his book, scrutinising Luna and Harry openly. Harry had his back towards Severus while Luna was facing, though not looking at, him. Severus's black eyes latched on to Harry, following the movements of his right hand as he sketched Luna with pale crayons, lingering on the curve of his bowed neck, wandering over his messy hair. They traced the lines of his figure just like Harry was tracing Luna's outline on paper. When Harry and Luna had finished their session, Severus rose, gave them a curt nod and left.

"Professor Snape is very interested in you," Luna observed with her usual directness.

Harry looked at her, taken aback.

"Er…Really?" he asked lamely. He had the feeling that Luna was very well aware of the fact that things between him and Severus were still difficult even a few months after their marriage.

"Oh yes. He couldn't take his eyes off you while you were sketching me. He was smiling a little now and then. It is rather sweet, isn't it?"

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