III: The Colonel
King Kirrent was busy grumbling to himself over his conceived misfortune when General Kalzmar, his smartest and most trusted general, dashed in, her spear at the ready. For a split second, King Kirrent was terrified that Kalzmar was going to assassinate him, that she had turned on him and decided to take control herself. Then, Kalzmar stopped progressing towards him, and King Kirrent breathed an inward sigh of relief.
"Bad newz!" Kalzmar exclaimed, "Very bad newz! Longearz, lotz and lotz of longearz, juzt like Davian sed! They wanna zpeak to you, yez!" Kalzmar pointed outside with her spear.
Apprehensively, King Kirrent rose. Oddly enough, he was less afraid now than when he was when he thought Kalzmar was going to assassinate him. Hares could be reasoned with. King Kirrent was confident that he could talk his way out of whatever problem Davian had unknowingly brought back with him. Very confident. He had talked his way into ruling a legion of lizards, he could talk his way out of this.
King Kirrent exited his tent. At the end of the swamp was a gigantic army of hares, perhaps eighty, maybe even a hundred. The lizards stood around, frozen in shock. King Kirrent brushed past them, with Kalzmar right behind him. As he got closer to the army, he noticed that the badger Davian had described was apparently absent. That was good. King Kirrent hoped he'd never have to see another badger again, after what that one had done to Captain Scarback and the rest of Kirrent's mateys.
At the head of the army was a hare that was luxuriously decorated with all types of medals, which twinkled and glittered in the sun. As King Kirrent moved past the last of the lizards, the hare shouted, "So you're this King Kirrent the Great chap, the slayer of a thousand lizards? Pchaw! I expected another lizard, or maybe even a toad. You're just a bally searat, although you do resemble a reptile, I must say!"
King Kirrent scowled, and began to speak. The hare cut him off with a wave of his paw. "Ah, yes. I expect you want my name now. Well, I'm Colonel Caldwell Morian Lardergutter, but you can just call me Colonel. Now, what's a bally searat like yourself doing leading a bunch of newts like these?"
"Newtz?" Kalzmar spat, although she went completely ignored.
King Kirrent felt his temper rising. He was not a 'bally searat', he was a king. King Kirrent. And he was not leading a bunch of newts, they were lizards! How stupid could the hare be, thinking they were newts!
"They aren't newts, ya moron! They're lizards!" King Kirrent shot, waiting for the hare to realize his mistake and become embarrassed. Instead, Caldwell merely began laughing hysterically.
"Hahaha! Now I, hahaha, now I see why Lord Oxpaw didn't feel a need to come here, you're a blinking lot of nincompoops! Hahaha!" Caldwell bellowed. King Kirrent's blood boiled.
Forgetting everything he had previously planned about talking his way out of it, he shouted in an incredibly high pitch, "Kill that hare!!! I want his head!!!" However, as soon as the words left his mouth, he realized his mistake and feverishly wished that he could go back in time five seconds. The lizards all simultaneously snapped out of their awkward trance-like state and rushed forward haphazardly.
King Kirrent could have shouted for the lizards to stop, but it was far too late even though it had only just begun. The lizards were all too eager to get at the hare who had called them newts. Colonel Caldwell instantly stopped laughing and unsheathed a long sword, slaying a lizard who had been in front, then motioned for his troops.
Kalzmar began to rush forward, but King Kirrent grabbed her by the neck and pulled her back. "Wait, ya idiot! Can't ya see you'll be slaughtered?!" he shouted, as if he hadn't just ordered her to attack them.
"But you zed…" Kalzmar began, completely confused.
"I said nothing! Now, come on, we gotta get out of here while we still can!" King Kirrent exclaimed, sneaking a quick glance at the fighting. It was more of a massacre. The lizards were being slaughtered as they ran at the hares one by one, with absolutely no thought for strategy or teamwork. The hares hadn't even amassed a single casualty.
King Kirrent and General Kalzmar began running in the opposite direction of all the lizards. Halfway through the camp, Kalzmar got an idea and began stopping all the lizards they passed, having them join in the retreat. King Kirrent didn't care, running as fast as he could (although he didn't shed his heavy robe, so he still only went a little faster than the lizards).
King Kirrent oh-so-valiantly led the remnants of his army out of the swamp frantically, fearing what would happen if the hares caught him. He crashed through a bunch of trees, tripped and rolled down a hill, and cut his footpaw on a jagged rock, but he kept going. Finally, after quite a bit of traipsing through the forest, the sounds of fighting could no longer be heard, and King Kirrent stopped at the edge of a stream, catching his breath.
Kalzmar and about fifteen other lizards all appeared behind him and ceased running accordingly, looking around in confusion. They had no idea what had just transpired. After about a minute, one lizard piped up, "We go home now?"
King Kirrent spat. "Home? Ya called that worthless swamp home? No, we can't go back. Not now, not ever. We're lucky if those idiot hares aren't after us right now. No, we can't go home, but we can do this. Just this week, I sent Davian and Corzon out to check some places out, y'see? If we meet up with 'em, they might have gotten us a new place to live, maybe even an actual castle!"
The lizards looked at each other excitedly and began to growl and hiss amongst themselves, similar to how they had done when Kirrent had first slain that one lizard a few seasons ago. King Kirrent held up his paw for silence. "First, we're going to go and meet up with Corzon. I gave him the simplest instructions possible: Go west and follow the stream until he reached his destination. This stream we're at right now is that stream, y'see? So, we should be able to meet up with Corzon in a day, maybe less." King Kirrent looked around, satisfied. The lizards looked satisfied, too. "Any questions?"
Oddly enough, General Kalzmar raised her claw, as if she were in school. "I have one, yez. You zed you were zlayer of a thouzand lizardz… Why you not be the zlayer of a thouzand longearz?"
There was a short silence. King Kirrent was caught off-guard. It was not like Kalzmar to question authority. However, King Kirrent already knew what to say whenever he was asked a question he didn't feel like answering.
"The answer to that question is too complicated for you lizards to understand, y'see? It would just make ya more confused, which I don't want right now," King Kirrent replied. The lizards all looked at each other, knowing that whatever the answer to the question was, it had to be very smart, so smart that only King Kirrent could understand it.
All of them looked satisfied… except for Kalzmar.
---
Colonel Caldwell looked over the swamp. There wasn't a single lizard left alive, that was for sure. There also wasn't a single dead hare. "What a bally joke," Caldwell announced to himself, "We could've routed that lot with twenty of us. There was no need for seventy. I do wonder where that blinking searat went, though."
The two hares who had spied on King Kirrent approached the colonel, saluting smartly. "Sorry about recommending you bring so many troops, sah, but you know the saying, it's better safe than sorry," the older one reported.
"Yes, yes, I know that, Gavin, I'm not reprimanding you or anything," Caldwell replied. Then he changed the subject. "Now, you said that bally searat sent forty of these lizards to conquer Redwall?"
The two hares nodded simultaneously. The younger one interjected, "They left about three days ago, sah. That means they might be there by now, assuming they didn't get lost or anything."
Caldwell stroked his long moustache. "Hmm… Well, we ought to bally well go and check up on the Redwallers, make sure that they don't need any help or the like. Of course, I don't doubt that they could handle forty of these blinking lizards without any trouble, it's better safe than sorry, wot wot?"
The two hares nodded. "Of course," Caldwell continued, "There's no need to bring so many hares. Six of us will suffice. The rest can go back to Salamandastron, in case some real trouble shows up. Like that one horde, the one led by the bally weasel whatshisface."
"Six, sah?" the younger hare questioned, "Isn't that a bit too small of a force? There are forty lizards, sah."
Caldwell chuckled heartily. "Maudy, didn't you ever hear about those three hares that took on a hundred searats and nearly routed them all? Six hares are more than enough to deal with a bunch of bally lizards, especially if I'm one of them. One of the hares, I mean. Not one of the lizards." When Maudy said nothing, Caldwell said, "Now, I'll go, and you two will go, and then three other hares, haven't decided who yet. Dismissed!"
Caldwell turned and marched off. When he was gone, Gavin turned to Maudy, saying, "I did hear about those three hares, y'know. Most of 'em died." Nonchalantly, he shrugged, with Maudy giving him a morbid look.