A/N: I know, I know. You all probably hate me, and probably don't even care about this anymore. I'm sorry about the lack of updates. I'd like to say I was busy, but I wasn't. I just had a serious writer's block on this story, and finally managed to make something out of it. I should be back to regular updates now. If you're still reading, please keep reviewing!
I barely feel anything as she pulls away from me, still touching my cheek. I let my eyes stay closed, lingering in the moment we've just had. I can tell she takes my silence for rejection, because she takes her hand away and is probably folding it in her lap, fiddling with her fingers.
"Spencer, I'm sorry, I just, I, well, I've wanted to do that for a really long time," she confesses breathlessly. "Actually, pretty much ever since I met you. And I know that you can't actually fall in love with someone at first sight, but you were so damn cute that I wanted you right then and there. The more time I spent with you, the more I realized that I didn't want you. I needed you. I still do. And it's that kind of deep need for another person that can turn into love, and I'm ready to find out if that can happen to us. But if you're not ready, I'll wait until you are. And if you're never ready, then I won't even try. But know that I'll always be here for you as a friend, girlfriend, friend with benefits, whatever. I'm here."
"I know. I wouldn't have it any other way," I sniffle. I open my eyes only to find myself staring directly into hers. And in that moment, for a brief second before my eyes cloud over with tears, I see the innocence I've been missing reflected in her eyes, her soft smile, her crinkled nose. And then I fall. I fall into her lap, her hands instantly going to my hair, running through it.
"I know you're scared, believe me, I know the feeling," she says comfortingly. "It's always scary to go into a new relationship, and after the hell you've been through, I'm sure it's even scarier. And I know this will be hard for you to believe, but I think that the best way to get over Elle is to replace all those bad memories with good ones. I was kinda hoping that you'd be doing that with me, but if it's not me you want, then I'm cool with you picking someone else, too. Though it would be kick ass if you did pick me." I smile and lift my head up.
"Ashley." I take a deep breath, letting the confused emotions pour through me. "You're right; I don't want to believe it, but I need someone new to get me over Elle. And you are the best person for the job."
"Really?" The smile on her face, the look in her eyes all just make my heart melt and see everything about her in picture perfect detail.
I nod. She leans in and gives me a huge hug; a sweet hug that just makes my entire body fill up with warmth as she rests her head on my shoulder. Upon leaning away, she asks, "Do you really wanna give us a shot?"
"Yeah. I think I do." I pause for a moment and reflect on how much I've learned, how much I've matured. "No. I know I do."
The next morning I wake up feeling like heaven fell last night and landed on this state, this town, this house, this bed. I feel like this because I know that I'm waking up in Ashley's arms, her chin resting on my head. I'm waking up knowing that we're girlfriends. It's a feeling that I've tried to push out of my system for so long that I'd forgotten how much I missed it. The feeling is different; we're waking up in the same position that we've done so many times before, but it's different now. We're more than we were before, our bond is deeper, and that makes it all the more special.
I can tell that Ashley's awake because I feel her kiss me on the top of the head. She doesn't say anything for a moment, enjoying the quiet morning air surrounding us. The sunlight flows through the window blinds, lightly dancing on her sheets. Our sheets.
"So what do you wanna do today?" she mumbles, still tired obviously.
"I don't really wanna move," I reply, scooting in closer to her.
"Good." She sort of mumbles something a little bit more and rests her head back on top of mine, falling asleep. I have no idea why she's so tired, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was because of the fact that she practically hasn't slept since we got here. I know this because I hear in the middle of the night, pacing, going to the bathroom, turning the pages of a book. Maybe she's been stressed. Maybe last night at the lake helped to get rid of her stress. And oddly, it took away a little of mine, too. I don't know. All I know is that it's the most wonderful feeling, to be here with her. Maybe this is what Luke meant when he said I'd get back to being me again.
"Hey, Ashley?" I begin cautiously.
"Mhmmmm."
"Do you wanna see if Luke and Mitch are free and have lunch with them?" I ask.
"Why?" She's busy trying to fall back asleep.
I sigh and hit her lightly on the head. This wakes her up a little. "Because I miss my oldest friend."
She rolled over and looked at me. I put on my best puppy dog eyes, and she made a face at me. "That's cruel. It's evil. It could even be considered inhumane, those eyes of yours. But since I'm so weak, I'll have to give in and tell you that I approve of the lunch date." She looks at me seriously. "But only if you agree to be my date."
"Deal." I give her a quick kiss before jumping up and heading for my suitcase.
And suddenly I realize what I've done. I'm in a romantic relationship with a girl, the exact same thing that broke me five years ago. I hide my hurt face, sneaking a quick glance at Ashley. She's so happy, lying in that bed with a huge smile. It's the biggest smile I've seen in a long time. I don't want to break that because what we have is special and meant to be; I know that. But there's a big difference between knowing something and accepting it.
I feel a pair of arms wrap themselves loosely around my waist. "Hey," she whispers into my ear. "Don't think too hard, okay? Just let it be."
I let the warmth wash over my body and I feel loved and protected, but not accepting. I suppose that will come in time, and I just have to go with it for now. It's not like I don't accept Ashley; I can't accept myself, fully, completely.
"Let's call up the terrible twosome, shall we?" I manage tiredly as I wiggle out of her arms so that I'm facing her. She offers a soft look and a kiss on my cheek.
"Um, Spence?" She sounds timid, a little scared even.
"Yeah?"
"How public do you want to be? About us, I mean." The look she has on her face is so cute that I can barely stand it.
But though her adorableness is distracting, she brings up a valid point. What do I want to with us? I know that I don't want to walk around with a huge gay pride flag and shouting through a mega-phone that Ashley and I are together, but I'm not sure I want to hide. I think of everything I did with Elle, and how much we missed out on.
We'd been dating for about three months; it was winter and the snow, as usual, had left a thick coating on the ground. I remember it being a Thursday afternoon, but that could be wrong. We were walking home from school by ourselves and decided to take a detour through the park in the middle of town.
"Wanna go to the basketball game tonight?" Elle asked, standing a casual distance away from me. We never acted "together" in public for fear of it reaching our moms, our parents, our families, our town.
I shrugged. "Why not? There's not much better to do in this town."
Elle looked at me with twinkling eyes. "Oh, I can think of a lot of things I would enjoy more than a basketball game."
I shoved her lightly while laughing. And blushing. "C'mon; you know it's hard enough to find, well, space, to begin with. No way we'll get it during a basketball game. Mom always stays home, feigning sickness because she hates them so much. Even though Glen plays in them."
Elle gave me a contemplative look. "Then let's just say we're going to the game. We'll head to the cemetery, under our tree."
"Elle," I whined happily. "You know I'm scared of the cemetery at night." And for good reason, too. When I was six, I saw ghost in it on Halloween. Of course, immediately afterwards, Glen said it was just him and his friends, but being six, I didn't believe him.
"That's okay," she laughed. "I'll keep you safe." She put her arm around my shoulders, probably not realizing what she was doing. I didn't mind or even tell her to take it off. I put my head into her arm as I laughed. We were okay.
Until we saw Reverend Phelps walking by. "Good afternoon, ladies," he said stiffly.
Elle instantly dropped her arm and looked at the ground. "Hello, Reverend."
"Enjoying the cold air, I see?" He gave us quizzical looks as we tried not to appear guilty.
"Snow is, you know, fun," I
said lamely. "Snowmen and such."
Reverend Phelps chuckled, but not in a nice way. In a hurtful, mean way. "Ah, youth. Have fun now. Oh, and girls?" He paused, eying us suspiciously. "Stay out of trouble."
"Yes, sir, Reverend," Elle muttered.
"Good, um, day," I added to his retreating back. Angered, scared, and confused all at once, I turned to Elle.
"Why is it so hard?" I asked, tearing up.
"What?" But she already knew.
"I just wanna be able to walk down the street here and hold your hand like everyone else. Sneak a kiss whenever you're being really adorable. Get into an incredibly romantic snowball fight. Is that too much to ask?"
She shrugged. "It shouldn't be. But for some odd reason, it is."
"I didn't really do any of this with Elle," I tell her as I pull a shirt out of my closet. By the look on her face, she takes this as me not wanting to be public at all. I step over to her, lightly putting my hand on her shoulder. "But I'm ready to do it with someone I really care about. Someone like you."
She gives me a funny look. "Someone like me?"
I roll my eyes and pull her closer. "I mean you, doofus." And in another second, we're kissing again, only this time with some tongue involved.
Ashley pulls away, smirking like a little devil. A really cute little devil. "I still have to get dressed, you know. There's boys to be seen!"
We meet up with Luke and Mitch at a little cafe for lunch. And we come in holding hands.
Luke does nothing short of squealing as we walk in, while Mitch sends out a sarcastic comment. "Guess somebody finally decided to join the gay pride float."
"Don't insult her like that!" Ashley jokes back. "She's emotionally fragile." I look at her with an adoring gaze; she has no idea how true that is. Every second or so, I'm combing the place for anyone I know from my childhood; anyone who might recognize me and tell my mom. Oddly, though the thing I'm afraid of them seeing is me holding Ashley's hand, it's also the only thing giving me comfort right now.
We sit down at a table nestled in a tiny corner; the waitress probably put us here since she disapproved of our relationships, as I caught her shooting disdainful glances in our direction as she walked away. Ashley noticed my slightly tousled attitude and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek to make up for it.
"So what's good here?" she asks, scanning the menu without the confused look I'd expect from an LA girl ordering in a small-town Ohio country restaurant.
"The food," Mitch said sarcastically.
"Lovely. Luke, what d'you like?" She doesn't even bother to acknowledge the less-than-smug expression on Mitch's face.
Luke shrugs. "It's all pretty good, depending on what you're into."
"What if I said I was in the mood for something fattening? What would you recommend, and Mitch, if you say anything to that, I'll kick your ass," Ashley adds as a threat to him. It's a well-deserved threat, considering how Mitch's mouth is already open.
And the rest of the meal proceeds like this; nothing notable really happening. Ashley and I say good-bye to the boys, and I'm feeling a bit better about myself and this relationship. No one recognized me and no one gave us exceptionally rude comments. We laugh and joke and hold hands all the way to the car when my good mood is shattered.
"Spencer? Is that you?"Reverend Phelps somehow manages to spot me from all the way across the lot, and I know that I'm not getting away. Even though I want to so much, because all I can focus on is that last meeting with Elle and him.
"Yeah, it's me," I reply lamely, and Ashley automatically wraps her arm protectively around my waist. "Hey, Reverend Phelps."
He approaches us with a big, hopeful smile on his face. I assume that this is because the last anyone heard of me, I was sent to a therapy place that specialized in ridding people of their "unclean" desires. Though I lived with Clay my senior year, my parents were still legally responsible for me. They were allowed to send me to that therapy that summer. But I never showed up. I ran all the way to LA, where I stayed with my cousin for a while until they opened the dorms to us.
"So, how have you been doing since we last met?" He's the one who saw me off; he so wants me to tell him that Ashley is just my friend, but I can see him growing more and more doubtful by the second.
"Well, actually. A lot better since I left," I tell him conversationally.
"So that program worked, then?" His voice raises a little.
I shake my head. "I never went."
His friendly disposition suddenly turns stormy. "Then you are still the Devil. You have given into temptation once again with this... this whore." He shakes his head. "I thought you were stronger than that."
"She is," Ashley says bravely, stepping closer to him. "She's not afraid to be who she is, no matter what kind of stupid trouble it gets her in to, which I can't say for about half of the bigots you preach to. And I am so not a whore!"
Reverend Phelps gives us the evil eye. "I've tried to reform you, Miss Carlin. But it's clear to me that you were meant to rot in Hell; to be a lesson for us all." I know I try not to care about what people tell me, but it's a hard thing to do when someone tells you your entire existence is to serve as an example of how to rot in Hell. I feel the tears coming down my cheeks; the all-too-familiar coldness sweeping through my body.
Ashley gently hugs me, her one hand behind my head, the other rubbing my back slowly. "Don't worry about him. Don't worry about this town. Just worry about you."
I take in a deep breath and feel everything I felt five years ago in a vivid detail I haven't experienced since it actually happened. "There's just... everyone hates me, us, Luke, Mitch, etc. I don't want to have people spit in my face anymore, have them walk on top of me, have them hate me for no reason." I pause for a deep, shaky breath. "Ashley... Ashley, I'm scared."
"Don't be."