Author's Note: Another short chapter. In fact, the next four chapters are actually rather short. But after those four chapters, the chapters grow substancially in length for the rest of the story (most of the chapters in Part III are a good three to four pages longer than the longest ones in Parts I and II, actually). However, despite the length, I feel this is actually one of the more entertaining chapters in the entire book. It starts off with a dark leering parody of Sues and Badfic, then follows up with a very unexpected twist. Well, just read it. .
XVI: The Plan
Chapter XXXI: The Grotesque Fiend
Enytnallab the Invincible continued his glorious journey, traversing the southern lands with his faithful companions Renger and Ezalbhtaed. However, the pristine beauty of these lands concealed a hidden danger: The evil monster Gnidlog lurked amongst the arbor of the woods, patiently awaiting its next sustenance.
"I'm tired," complained Renger, who had over-exerted himself earlier that day. Enytnallab sighed. Why couldn't everybeast be perfect, such as how he was?
Suddenly, out from the foliage leapt Gnidlog, seizing Renger in its vile talons! Renger screamed in absolute terror. Ezalbhtaed, confused, accidentally ran into a stern tree and fell unconscious.
Enytnallab, however, remained calm. Lifting his magnificent long sword, he cleaved Gnidlog into two pieces, freeing poor Renger from its treacherous clutches.
"Thank you, Enytnall
The door to Ballantyne's study suddenly opened. Ballantyne turned from the masterpiece he had been writing in frustration. When his deep mental exaltation was broken, the results could be disastrous.
In the doorway was a stoat named Taroll. Taroll was a loyal, trustworthy character who was one of the few hordebeasts not affiliated with Golding in any way, shape, or form. Still, he had barged in at a very inopportune time. Ballantyne haughtily dabbed his quill in the ink well on the corner of the desk.
"Whatever has caused you to perturb the work of my masterpiece surely must be important," Ballantyne snapped with a furrowed brow, "Or you should very well depart from my study this instant, lest I be suddenly tempted to forcibly remove you from my presence!"
Taroll would have rolled his eyes if it wouldn't have caused Ballantyne to go off on a long-winded rant. There was no way Ballantyne could forcibly remove a snail from his presence, let alone a full-grown stoat. Still, Taroll merely replied, "Lord Regner wants ta see ya, jus' lettin' ya know. He wants ya ta bring yer plans with ya, too." After he had relayed the information to the tactician, Taroll swiftly departed. There was no need to spend any more time with Ballantyne that absolutely necessary.
Ballantyne scoffed. It had grown dark; why would Regner wish to see him at this hour? This was supposed to be the time where he went undisturbed, free to write his masterful work, simply entitled Enytnallab, which so far had managed to fill up roughly two hundred pages of parchment. Ballantyne figured that one day he would be able to deliver his completed works to someplace where there were creatures that understood the importance of fine literature, unlike here. He had once tried to teach Deathblaze how to write. It hadn't been pretty.
Annoyed, the ferret put away his novel and extracted a multitude of maps (he had made them himself; among his many self-proclaimed talents was that of a cartographer, although the maps themselves were horribly out of scale) from a drawer. Maps were always very helpful when portraying to Regner the strategies and tactics he had devised. Simple words usually could not make the warlord understand. Ballantyne had to show him.
However, today Ballantyne would have to show Regner nothing. He had finally come up with a plan that could eradicate the Long Patrol once and for all. And, oddly enough, it had nothing to do with the arrival of the lizards, and almost everything to do with Golding, who hadn't changed in seasons. Ballantyne simply had not realized how easily he could kill two birds (or, a weasel and a badger's giant army) with one stone, until now. The plan had just come to him, as he sat in his state of exalted meditation.
Ballantyne pulled one last item from the drawer: a bottle of fine ale. Looking over the bottle in self-admiration, he tucked it under his arm along with the maps and departed his room.
It was late; the only creatures he passed were the occasional guards. That was good; there were fewer witnesses. In fact, it was almost perfect that Regner had called him in at night instead of during the day; that way, not even Golding would be suspicious of him.
Ballantyne knew the other vermin all despised him with great passion; no amount of delusion could cover that fact up. The only thing keeping him alive right now was Regner, and, by extension, Deathblaze. Luckily, Deathblaze would still protect him, even under the unlikely circumstance of Regner's death. Which was very, very fortunate.
Ballantyne entered Regner's office.
"Your Lord Excellency," the ferret announced, bowing, "I have finally devised such a cunning, intricate plan that the complete and utter extermination of the Long Patrol is imminent. This plan is almost one hundred percent completely full-proof and will also remove us of Golding in the process."
Regner the Magnificent smiled. That was a good way to start, he mused to himself. "So, I take it that the lizards gave you inspiration?"
Ballantyne placed the maps and the bottle of ale on Regner's desk delicately. "Actually, Sire, they did no such thing. While I am certain that their fighting prowess could greatly benefit us on the battlefield, perhaps even to the degree that Sir Deathblaze can, I am afraid that Golding has already corrupted them with his pleasant tongue and slithery manner."
Regner frowned. He had specifically told those lizards not to believe a word Golding said. "Go on then, tell me your master plan."
"Yes, yes!" Ballantyne replied jubilantly, "It is such an absolutely brilliant plan, I myself was amazed at my brilliance! I even provided this excellent ale for our consumption, in order to celebrate my ingenious scheme. Come, drink!" The ferret pushed the bottle forward.
Without even hesitating, Regner uncorked the bottle and slurped down a great gulp of the ale. "Okay, now tell me the plan. I want to get it started as soon as possible. Those darn hares have been giving me trouble for far too long. Who cares if I want to sack a couple of villages here and there? I ain't bothering them."
"Am not," Ballantyne replied, waving a finger, "I am not bothering them. 'Ain't' is not proper grammar." As he said this, he reached into his pocket and extracted a circular copper device, which was attached to the small golden chain. On the back was a small key, and the ferret wound it.
"What's that?" Regner pointed to the device. He had seen the small chain before numerous times, but never knew it was actually connected to anything. And why did Ballantyne keep distracting him? He just wanted to hear the plan.
"This is a device of my own creation," Ballantyne answered proudly, "As you can likely see, when I wind the invention up, a small dial on the front, or face, of the innovation begins to revolve around ploddingly in one full revolution. You see, as an aspiring and yet completely successful inventor, I created a multitude of objects of measurement, such as this, which measures time. One full revolution is approximately one and a half minutes. Ingenious, isn't it? Of course, I would have greatly enjoyed it if one revolution was equivalent to one minute, seeing as one is a nice, round numeral, but alas, such feats are impossible."
Regner frowned. He just wanted to hear the plan. "Yeah, sure. Now, what do you plan to do to stop the Long Patrol?"
"I will tell you in about ten seconds, if you will allow it. Please do not interrogate me on why I do this, it is terribly important. You see, I must wait a proper amount of time before the poison that you just ingested works its wondrous effects on your body, or else you may just leap up and slay me on the spot."
"What?!" Regner shouted. Did Ballantyne just say what he thought he said?
"Yes, the ale you have just consumed so readily was corrupted by a toxin of my own devising. You should be feeling rather exhausted at this moment, that is completely to be expected. Now, you will find yourself having a refreshingly long slumber just… about… now."
Regner, who had jumped out of his chair towards his battle axe, suddenly fell limp on the stone floor. Ballantyne also rose from his seat, and stood directly above the lifeless body of the weasel, frowning.
"Reaching for his axe? I would have preferred it if he trusted me a little more than that. When was the last incident in which I ever let him down?" spoke the ferret slowly. The small round device's dial suddenly stopped moving, and Ballantyne carefully slid it back into the pocket of his vest.
The ferret slid back out of the room, undetected.