Author's Note: I love this chapter. In my opinion, it's the most well-written chapter in Part III, with the possible exception of a later chapter where an important Part II character is reintroduced, complete with allusions to Lord of the Flies and stuff. Seriously, though, this chapter is just so sadistically hilarious. I through snide humor out throughout the chapter, only to top it off with one big pathetic ending (and no, the ending itself isn't pathetic; it's what happens in the ending). Uh... Of course, now that I said this, I'm probably just setting you guys up for a disappointment. I'm sure there'll probably be a lot of you who don't like the humor, as it is pretty cruel. .
XXXV: The Spy
Tabbins muttered angrily to himself. Caldwell had messed up yet again. In a way, the lieutenant felt sorry for his commanding officer. Caldwell meant well. Everything he did was so that casualties would be kept at an absolute minimum. It's just that everything he did usually made more casualties than there would have been.
Tabbins knew he couldn't place all of the blame on Caldwell; it had been him who had suggested they go "spring the trap" and accidentally caused Ballantyne and his crazy stoat friend to take over Salamandastron. But the mess-up with Redwall and the situation they were in now was completely the colonel's fault. It made Tabbins angry to no end. If the colonel had attacked Regner and his whopping two soldiers with the twenty hares he had at his disposal, this entire ordeal would have been over. The rest of Regner's soldiers would have been long-gone, Regner would have been dead, everybeast would be happy. Sure, maybe one or two hares would get killed, but not only was that unlikely, but it was a necessary risk, at least to Tabbins. What was one or two soldiers when the whole was threatened?
Tabbins almost didn't want to even try to mount a rescue operation. It was exactly what Regner was planning on them doing; that's why he hadn't killed Caldwell in the first place. Of course, that wouldn't work with the rest of the troops. No, they had to save their suicidal but well-meaning colonel, even though there was extreme danger. They were hares, crazy and perilous beasts, or however the saying went. Tabbins had never really paid attention to any of that happy junk.
Didn't these hares have any idea of military strategy? It was nice to be noble, but it was also stupid! The vermin they were fighting cheated, so why shouldn't they? None of it made any sense.
Tabbins, even though he was now technically the commanding officer of the Long Patrol, could not get his hares to agree with these sentiments. And thus, he had been forced to think of some sort of strategy that could rescue Caldwell and not get them all killed while the rest of the hares sat back and talked with that sniveling mouse, Gerry, as he told them all about his horrid childhood and how hard it had been to work as a galley slave under Captain Tronto. Tabbins made a mental note: If this Tronto character and his eighty searats ever attacked them, they were completely doomed. They couldn't even handle twenty of Regner's previous rejects.
The lieutenant figured he ought to stick with something simple: Clements and maybe a couple other hares would distract Regner and the rest while he rescued the stupid colonel. Simple enough plan, and he should be able to pull it off easily enough if Regner didn't wise up and leave guards. Which Tabbins found all-too-likely. Of course Regner was expecting a rescue operation. He'd probably not even take the bait unless there was a good reason to. After a bit of thinking, Tabbins figured out what that good reason would be. He'd send Clements, who was very skilled with a bow, to attempt an assassination on Regner. Sure, it probably wouldn't work, but that wasn't the point. The point was that it'd get Regner to try and do something and take the bait.
Tabbins sighed. He seriously doubted the plan would work.
---
Limptail wasn't nervous in the least as he stealthily made his way into Regner's group. Lersot had been right; he did blend in perfectly. Nobeast even gave him a second glance as he slowly moved through the group. Most were lounging about, with about a quarter of them standing as guards, although they were all looking in the direction of Salamandastron. Regner stood by his prisoner, that one hare, waiting for him to become conscious again. The warlord was standing with Wemys and one of his army, a battle-worn ferret.
Well, he wouldn't be able to tell Wemys personally, it looked. That was disappointing; most of the reason he had done this was to repay Wemys for saving him from the lizards. He moved on, looking for one of the four other members of Conrad's group that Regner had taken with him.
He saw Murkeye sitting with a couple of other rats, talking about something. Limptail figured he wouldn't be able to tell her, either.
"Telson?"
Limptail turned suddenly, able to tell that the voice was addressed to him. He was facing a very short weasel. "Huh?" Limptail asked.
"Oh, sorry," the weasel replied in a high-pitched, squeaky voice, "I thought yew were Telson. Don't mind me, then." The weasel then brushed past him, not even giving Limptail a second thought.
The ferret continued looking for the rest of his friends. After a bit of searching, he saw Yugu and Kleid, both of them standing alone, far away from Regner. Perfect. Limptail casually made his way over to them. He was getting close when a scaly claw grabbed his shoulder and span him around.
"I know you," Davian said, a little too loudly. Limptail looked around nervously. Davian could blow this big time.
Ever since the incident at Redwall, Limptail had avoided Davian as much as possible. Even though the lizard had been a lot nicer to him than Marclaw had, and had saved his skin a multitude of times (albeit for his own gains), Limptail just didn't like being around lizards any more. He shivered as Davian's piercing eyes stared into him menacingly.
"No, yew don't know me, ya scaly lump," Limptail announced, altering his voice passably, "I don't know wotcher talkin' 'bout."
Davian looked at Limptail skeptically for a few moments, then let go and hobbled away on his peg leg, not saying another word. Limptail looked around to find out if anybeast had become suspicious after that. None had. Determining that the coast was clear, he continued over to Yugu and Kleid.
---
Regner was having difficulty with Wemys.
"Difficulty" wasn't the right word, though. Ballantyne had taught Regner a whole bunch of higher-level vocabulary words, but the warlord couldn't come up with a word that properly put Wemys' skill level into perspective. The closest he could think of was "abysmal".
If the stoat didn't look so much like his brother, Regner would have sworn that there was no possible way they could be related. Wemys wasn't weak, and he wasn't slow, but he was just plain horrible. He made every mistake in the book. He wasn't even using the right paw when holding a sword. Regner had put him through a battery of tests, many he invented on the spot, and they all pointed to the fact that Wemys might just be the worst fighter in all of Mossflower.
Regner had had Wemys spar with Telson, and the stoat accidentally disarmed himself before the fight even began. Regner lobbed rocks at Wemys (underpaw, to boot) to test his evasion, and every single rock hit him. Regner had Wemys throw knives to see how his aim was, and if Reiss wasn't so small, he'd have been hit in the neck. While that might have seemed like a good thing, Reiss had been standing behind them on the other side of the small camp they had made. The stoat had absolutely no natural talent whatsoever.
Despite this, Regner kept trying. There had to be some part of Deathblaze that was in Wemys, despite the stoat's claims that there wasn't. At the moment, he and Telson were instructing Wemys in swordfighting.
"You remind me of this—" Telson began, but Regner silenced him. He had slowly been getting better and better at stopping Telson before he started, which was a relief. He didn't need the ferret scaring Wemys with horror stories about creatures who had been eaten alive by insects or something macabre like that.
"Now, you're going to want to hold your sword like this," Regner explained, showing Wemys at the same time, "No, not like that. You aren't left-pawed, you know." There was a dull monotone in his voice. It was the best Regner could do, considering how horrible Wemys was. The warlord was beginning to lose hope.
"I keep telling you, I'm not a good fighter like Percival was," Wemys tried to explain, still holding his sword wrong, "Conrad tried the same thing you are. He thought maybe I also had my brother's talent locked away somewhere. But I don't. I'm pretty sure about that."
"Nah, ya jus' gotta believe in yerself!" Telson exclaimed reassuringly. Regner couldn't tell if the ferret was just saying that to motivate Wemys or he genuinely meant it. "I wasn't the greatest fighter out there myself, y'know, but I kept practicin' an' trainin' an' pretty soon I became the best fighter in the horde! I rose ta the rank o' cap'n quicker than quick! Course, that all ended when the entire horde accidentally walked into a cave that was a home fer a hungry wolf! It ate 'em all, usin' their bones as toothpicks! But the point is, ya gotta keep tryin'!"
Although it was perhaps the worst motivational speech Regner had ever heard, the weasel had to admit that Telson sounded pretty sincere. Wemys shrugged. "I'll keep trying, but I think yer all wastin' yer time on me."
Regner frowned and continued his lesson.
---
Yugu and Kleid recognized Limptail almost immediately, but they smartly remained quiet until he got close enough to them.
"We thought yew were all dead," Kleid whispered, looking around. A few creatures saw them, but none of them seemed to have made any sort of connections, or even cared at all.
"Is Garland okay?" Yugu also whispered, although she was a bit louder than Kleid had been.
"All of us made it out," Limptail explained, "All of us, that is, except… except pore ol' Conrad. He… burned." The ferret looked down shamefully. The more he thought about it, the more he figured he should have killed Conrad. He didn't know that if he had killed Conrad, right now he would be thinking about how he shouldn't have. None of the choices were good for Limptail. None of them ever had been, and none of them would be, right up to the end of his life.
"Well, that's pretty bad fer him," Kleid said, sighing, "I've been with him fer a while now, an' he always had our best interests at heart. He was always so torn up over everything… I think he jus' wanted ta ditch us all an' leave, like his sister had done. Wot a lousy way ta go out."
"Well, yeah…" Limptail muttered, not really daring to say anything else. After a pause, he continued, "Curvetail's in charge now, an' he's trying to rescue all of yew an' get revenge on Regner. They sent me ta tell ya ta be ready when we attack. We don't know when it'll be, but… keep yer wits 'bout ya. We'll be comin' from o'er that way when we do attack, so keep yer eyes open. Tell Wemys an' Murkeye when ya get the chance, but be careful with Davian. I dunno if he's smart enough ta keep a secret."
"I agree," Kleid whispered, "Davian's not all there in the head. I don't know if any lizard's all there in the head, actually. Never met a lizard afore him, but I heard they're all pretty dumb." She looked around again. "Now, ya oughtta git out o' here afore anybeast become suspicious of ya."
"Oh, yeah, o' course," Limptail nodded, "Goodbye." He said the last word with surprising finality. Yugu thought for a second, then stopped Limptail as he began to walk away. She whispered something in his ear, so that Kleid couldn't hear. Limptail nodded again, saying, "Yeah, I'll be sure ta tell him that. Gotcha."
Then he walked away. He had one last thing to do before he left; he was going to try and see if he could learn anything valuable from Regner.
---
Clements crawled amongst the dunes slowly and carefully. There were five or six guards posted by Regner; that was nothing. He could sneak by them without even giving it a second thought. After a bit of deliberation, Tabbins had decided Clements would go alone, to avoid risking detection. Clements was glad. Most of the hares didn't have a stealthy bone in their body.
His mission was pretty simple: attempt to assassinate Regner the Magnificent, and distract him long enough so Tabbins could swoop in and rescue Colonel Caldwell. It would be like eating cake, Tabbins had said. Clements liked cake. Maybe he'd get that one pretty haremaid to cook him a big victory cake when he killed Regner and rescued Caldwell. Maybe then he'd be promoted to an officer, too. Maybe… a colonel! Colonel Clements, eighteen seasons old, the youngest colonel in all of history! The words sounded sweet, but Clements decided he liked the victory cake idea even more. He'd make sure the cake was huge, so he could eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and snack time, and tea time, and cake time, and for a midnight snack, and for breakfast the next day, and for lunch the next day, and so on, and so on. Maybe he could have several victory cakes. Maybe he could have an endless supply of victory cakes. Hmm… all this thinking about cake was making Clements hungry. He'd have to get that cake fast, he figured. Hmm… Now, what kind of frosting would he want on that cake? Maybe he could have all the frosting on the cake, with each type layered over the other. Maybe they could change that big forge area into a cake-eating room. It wasn't like another badger lord was just going to show up at there door and demand to forge something.
He crept around a large dune, easily avoiding the small amount of guards Regner had posted. Still thinking to himself about all the victory cake he would get for his valiant efforts, he drew his bow. Regner's small army was in sight now. Clements looked back and saw Tabbins way off in the distance. He looked ready enough. Clements returned his attention to the horde and began scanning it for Regner. After a bit of searching, he caught sight of the weasel, but he was too far away for Clements to hit him.
Cautiously, he crept forward around the dune, still avoiding the lazy eyes of the handful of guards with ease. His stomach rumbled. He figured that he should have told them to start making the victory cake before he left. That way, it'd have been ready when he got back.
Regner was pretty close now. He was talking to a young-looking stoat and a battle-hardened ferret, both of whom were obviously Regner's partners in his villainy. They probably enjoyed going to sleep listening to the screams of tortured babes at night, Clements figured. Just a couple of murderous, disgusting vermin who deserved what he was about to give them.
For the babes! …And the victory cake.
Clements pulled back his bowstring, an arrow pointed directly for Regner's skull. Before he had the chance to let loose, however, somebeast screamed, "Look out!! Wemys, look out!!"
Nobeast was going to stop him from getting his victory cake! He wheeled around in the direction of the screamer and let his arrow fly. It zipped through the air in a quick blur, where it went right into the neck of some ferret or another.
---
Limptail was dead before he hit the ground, blood spurting out of his neck. He fell to the sand in a crumpled heap, his eyes blank, his mouth ajar, and his tail limp. Instantly, Regner shouted, "Get that hare!!!" and a handful of assorted vermin dashed past the body, a few even stepping on it. A few more arrows whizzed past, but the hare firing them didn't have any more time to aim, and none of them hit anything but the sand. Regner, Telson, and Wemys all stayed back, watching as the hare ran back through the dunes.
Wemys recognized Limptail at once. Luckily, Regner was preoccupied with the hare, so he didn't see the mortified expression on the stoat's face. Regner had also not noticed that Limptail had called out Wemys' name shortly before he died. Wemys didn't know how his friend had survived the burning ship or why he had been there, but he didn't care, either. He ran over to his slain friend.
He didn't get a chance to mourn, however. As soon as he got to Limptail's body, he was pulled back. Kleid whispered into his ear, "Go back ta where ya were. We can't let Regner know he was here."
"But… but..."
"Yes, he's dead, but this is very important. Ya gotta make sure Regner doesn't know about him. Me an' Yugu are gonna drag the body behind that dune o'er there. Yew get back ta Regner an' distract him or sumthin', more than he already is. Don't give me any complaints, either. Yew can cry fer him, if that's wot yew were gonna do, cuz it sure seemed like it, later."
Kleid shoved Wemys forward. The distraught stoat bumbled forward, until he was standing next to Regner and Telson again. Neither of them seemed to have noticed he was absent. Wemys snuck one last look backwards and saw Kleid and Yugu dragging Limptail's body away quickly. Yugu had a disappointed look on her face, but Kleid seemed emotionless.
Davian watched them, sure that he knew that ferret. But no, he had insisted that wasn't true. Davian was a bit skeptical, but why would the ferret lie?
Tabbins, from behind a dune, cursed at his ill luck. Regner and what the lieutenant figured were his two trusted captains were still standing right by where Caldwell was tied up, still out cold. The entire plan had been a complete waste. There had been absolutely no point to it at all.
The hare frowned and ran back to Salamandastron.