Chapter 7: Secrets of a Child

When McKay failed to show up to the infirmary after twenty minutes John's moods were shifting between concerned and pissed off. Carson seemed to be in the same state as he carefully finished wrapping the last dressing around his wrist even whilst glancing at the doors. When he finished John looked around to note that everyone had been fixed up, had their blood taken, and been fed their round of antibiotics like good little patients.

Ronon was watching him expectantly, no doubt waiting for instructions to go and drag the scientist down here himself. While that was something John would normally have no problem ordering the big man to do, he knew that this time they had to be more careful with McKay. He had the feeling that the usual bullying and forceful tactics would do nothing more than make McKay even more defensive and evasive and that was just unacceptable at this point.

Besides, he had no wish to see Rodney forcefully dragged anywhere right now after having watched him be dragged to that river only two hours ago.

Today there would be no more forcing McKay to do anything, and that was final.

He was just about to reach for his earpiece and not so politely ask McKay to get his ass down to the infirmary when Zelenka's voice interrupted the action.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

"Go ahead, Doc."

"Are you perhaps missing a scientist?" Sheppard looked to Carson, who was frowning at him as if it was his fault McKay hadn't followed orders. Seriously. Not everything the Canadian did was John's fault! Why people seemed to always accuse him…

"Not missing so much as temporarily misplaced. Is he with you at the labs?"

"He stopped in for a moment but has moved on to balcony at end of the hall." There was a moment's pause, which wasn't like Radek. "He is not looking so well. Your mission was not as successful as you'd hoped?"

"It could have gone better," he stated, knowing he was frowning. "I'll come get him."

"Thank you, Colonel."

"You need some help?" Ronon asked and stood taller. The big man was practically vibrating with energy that the walk back to the Stargate had done nothing to diminish, and John understood how he felt. Right now he wanted nothing more than to punch something. Repeatedly.

"I'll call if I do. Doc, you'll have your patient in a few minutes," he announced and Carson's worry, while not going away, did seem to diminish a bit. Sheppard didn't wait for any response though, because if Zelenka, who had seen Rodney at his worst several times, thought he wasn't looking well then there was probably something to be concerned about.

When he reached the balcony reported to be supporting McKay Sheppard marched onto it without a second thought. His step faltered when he didn't see McKay immediately, and his eyes drifted to the thin, decorative railing. He knew exactly how far of a drop it was off this thing.

"I see Carson sent his Shepherd to round up his sheep already," the annoyed voice behind him bit out and John felt the tension just drain out of him as he turned around to face McKay. Then he looked down to see his friend sitting with his back to the wall, arms wrapped tightly around his drawn up legs and his face much paler than it should have been. His eyes narrowed as he took in the sweat that was dripping down the side of his face, and the darker stains that rested at the neck and armpits of his blue science shirt.

"Woof." He replied sarcastically as he stood over the man and then crossed his arms.

"Oh please, I'm not that late," Rodney huffed even as he seemed to pull his arms tighter around his legs.

"Considering your orders were to go to the infirmary immediately after changing I'd say you're pretty late."

"A few minutes won't hurt anyone, Colonel."

"That's not the way I'm seeing it, McKay," he looked pointedly at the sweat stains and Rodney shifted uncomfortably under the gaze, making no effort to stand up.

"Perhaps your eyes need checking," the smartass responded but he wasn't meeting his eyes now, which meant that Sheppard had scored that point.

"My eyes are fine." He sighed and then, after a moment's hesitation, sat down on the decking beside his friend. The evening was encroaching, the winds were picking up and the temperature was dropping. With the sun hidden behind the clouds it wasn't too warm out here, which is probably why Rodney had come here in the first place if he was running a fever. His eyes were a bit glassy.

"What are you doing out here, McKay? It's not like you to waste time, especially when you're sick."

"Is it too much to ask for a minute to regroup in privacy? I was drowned earlier today, you know," he snapped, looking away.

"Yeah, thank god for that," John replied sharply himself.

"Excuse me?" Rodney glared at him, his voice quiet.

"If they had decided to shoot you, or burn you at a stake, or throw you off a fucking cliff then you would have died, Rodney. So yeah, I'm pretty damn glad that they decided to drown you, because all it accomplished was giving you the edge to save all our asses in a very non dead way." He added, glaring at the stubborn man. When McKay failed to respond, instead looking out over the sea, John sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair.

"I find it difficult to hate a part of you that saved your life, Rodney," he said softly, trying to bring out the real issue here. "In fact I haven't had a single reason to dislike that part of you since you showed us in the first place. So why don't you tell me why you're out here instead of with Carson getting fixed up, because this is getting old."

"It's not that easy, Colonel," he kept staring out at the water, longing and hate mingling in his eyes. He sighed, hugged his knees tighter, opened his mouth, closed it and took another breath. John waited.

And waited some more.

"If I-" Rodney started and then stopped, trying to find the right words, which was so unlike him that John was getting more worried by the second. "When I walk through Atlantis now people look at me and they don't think 'hey, it's McKay' they think 'there goes the fish.'" Sheppard frowned. "It's no fault of their own," Rodney added with a frown. "It's a natural reaction. Sometimes it's too difficult to separate a person from their abnormality, they don't understand what it means, how to respond.

"Now, when I go into the infirmary it's not really me that people are seeing. They see the gills," he released one arm to point in the direction of said gills. "They see an interesting specimen, something different that they don't understand but want to. Right now Carson has been unbelievably good about it, but soon he's going to demand a closer look and it's not going to matter what I want because this is about understanding the science of it. And the funny thing is that I completely understand that. I do. But it's going to be difficult when people stop seeing me, and start seeing just the part of me that's interesting to them and that…I can't do that…" he trailed off. Fear was beginning to find its way onto his face and John felt stuck, swallowing thickly and trying to just find words to respond because this was…this was messed up.

"McKay…do you honestly think we'd do that to you? That Carson Beckett, the man who feels guilty studying a wraith would ever do something like that to you? Goddamn it McKay." He forced out quietly, gaining Rodney's attention immediately. "We're your friends. We're your family and you think we'd betray you like that?"

"Family is the reason I'm in this mess in the first place, Colonel!" He hissed back, anger flooding his voice as he finally met John's eyes. "Or are you forgetting about the mother who loved me so much that she thought the genetic manipulation of my fucking embryo was a great idea!" he glared.

"I haven't forgotten that, Rodney." He said softly, sternly. Rodney didn't stop glaring.

"Good. Because she may have just been stupid at that time, or an idiot, or maybe she had no idea what she was doing, but she still did it." Rodney looked away and John watched his adams apple as he swallowed thickly. "She still did it. And after Jeannie…she wasn't stupid anymore. She had grown up and she had no more excuses," he practically growled. John looked at him carefully.

"I thought you said Jeannie had nothing to do with this."

"She didn't," Rodney snapped, and then sighed. "She doesn't. She was just born, and there is nothing wrong with that." He paused, taking a breath. "It almost killed my mom though. She almost died and you know what her response was? She panicked. Ha. Now I guess you know where I get that particular trait from."

"Seems like a pretty reasonable response," John hedged.

"Maybe. Maybe it was," Rodney rubbed at his eyes, wiped some sweat from his brow, then wiped his shaking hand on his pants. "But she didn't have to include me in her panic attack, did she? I mean, I didn't even know there was anything wrong with me. She didn't know there was anything wrong with me. I was five years old!" He held out his hand violently, all fingers and thumb stretched wide to make his point. "Five."

John frowned.

"And she gave me to them Sheppard. Picked me up from pre-school early one day and just walked me through their front door. She practically begged them to take me, asking them to make sure we were both okay and healthy." His splayed hand turned into a fist. "When I came out of there I was the proud nephew of King Triton himself and she couldn't even look at me in the eye anymore." He sighed. "I remember what they did, in bits and pieces…" he trailed off.

"Sounds like she was trying to make sure you were okay?"

"Yeah. That first time, but that doesn't make it excusable. And when Dad found out he went through the roof and let's just say that family life took a good old nose dive from there."

"First time?" Sheppard's voice sharpened and Rodney looked at him quickly, eyes flashing in surprise for a moment before bitterness returned.

"The company doing the experiments obviously weren't the most…honourable of companies. When I was twelve I got sick. They were watching me I guess. Mom was away teaching at this point, I guess she couldn't handle the home life. We'd moved to the States by then and Dad panicked. When they approached him, telling him I could die if he didn't let them help me… I guess he supposed it was the safer path of two evils. It took a month for him to get me back," he barked out a laugh. "The man had trouble meeting my eyes before that, he didn't know what to do with me, but after he could barely stand to be in the same room."

"Didn't anyone wonder why you were missing?"

"Please. You've seen how easy it is to cover things up. A few well placed lies and no one worries. When Jeannie asked where I'd gone he'd told her I was visiting an aunt in Vancouver. I was home before the end of the school year, long before mom was. I don't know if he ever told her, and frankly I didn't care because at that point I knew I couldn't trust either of them." Sheppard's gut was rolling and he had managed to bite away part of his cheek in anger. He tasted the coppery blood on his tongue, and swallowed thickly.

"So you can understand why I don't really trust family." He added on like an afterthought and John sat there in silence a moment, horror, disgust and shock all vying for attention within him until anger joined the mix. The anger won.

"So that's what you think of us?" he asked quietly and Rodney looked at him, startled. "You think so badly of us that you'd lump us into the same category as your parents?"

"You said family…"

"And I meant family, Rodney. Family, as in the people who actually care despite everything. Family, as in the people who will put you first, who want to help you because you're important to them. Do you really think that badly of us that we'd just…just…do that to you? After everything? We are not ignorant assholes McKay. I thought you knew that!" Rodney stared at him with wide eyes.

"Pull your head out of your ass, Rodney. If you stopped thinking about how all of this affects only you then you would have realized all of this by now." He crossed his arms, glared at his friend, the most stubborn, selfish and possibly fucked up individual John had ever met, before looking back out at the water. It was silent for a few minutes before Rodney snorted, bringing a hand up to rub his forehead.

"Pull my head out of my ass? I tell you about the worst experiences of my life and you tell me to pull my head out of my ass?" John couldn't help the sudden laugh that startled out of him, making him sound like a freaking donkey, but Rodney was a piece of work.

"It seems to be lodged up there pretty damn far."

"Well, then I suppose it's a good thing I have you around to help pull it out," he replied, rolling his eyes when John looked at him. Then he unwrapped his arms and began moving to stand. John quickly moved to his own feet and offered him a hand, noting the heat coming off of him with a frown. When Rodney was finally on two feet again, after swaying a moment, John took a look at him.

"You look like a steamed squid."

"Thanks for that," Rodney snapped back with no real heat. He was about to move away when John stopped him, the notion to say something more, something important, died on his lips when he noted that Rodney's shirt was wet around his sides as well. He frowned.

"Lift your shirt, McKay," he ordered.

"Yes yes, I understand that you accept me for who I am, you don't need to go proving-"

"Lift your shirt or I'll do it myself," he cut his friend off and Rodney, frowning, did as he was told. They both frowned as they looked at his gills, which were reddened and leaking a watery, milky like substance. If it was possible McKay actually seemed to pale even further. "I think it's time we saw Carson," John announced as he pulled the shirt back down when Rodney looked like he was just going to continue staring.

"Yes. Yes, good idea."

When they walked through the doors to the infirmary Carson's irritated face turned to concern the moment he saw Rodney and he pointed at a bed and began pushing over a table loaded down with tools of his trade.

"He's running a fever, sweating, and has a milky discharge coming from his gills," John announced efficiently.

"Right then, off with yer shirt Rodney." Rodney didn't seem to hesitate at all this time as he sat down and did as asked, despite the two nurses coming over to help. They didn't even blink as they began assessing his vitals, Carson got to work asking questions, and John stepped away from the crowd.

A few minutes later Ronon and Teyla entered the infirmary and stood by John. One glance at Ronon's shuttered face and Teyla's look of deep concern and John frowned.

"You were at the balcony?" He stated more than asked.

"We wanted to be there if you needed help."

"You heard us?"

"We did." He was silent a moment.

"Okay." And it was, even if Rodney hadn't meant for his words to be overheard. It would be easier with Ronon and Teyla understanding where he was coming from. They were a family after all.

It turns out that the water on that planet contained bacteria that didn't agree with Rodney's system. At all. An hour after they entered the infirmary found Rodney staring in fear at a large tub that had been filled to the brim with water and antibiotics and other necessary medications. Carson had cleared everybody out of that area of the infirmary with strict orders to only contact them if there was an emergency. Teyla and Ronon were there, but standing at the far wall. Teyla looked slightly amused and Ronon just looked bored again.

Rodney, standing there in nothing but a towel (wrapped up to his armpits), still dripping from the soap free shower Carson had just made him take, was staring at the water.

"Ye need to flush yer system Rodney," Carson looked like he feared McKay would run away the second his back was turned. Sheppard was being helpful and holding his elbow to make sure he didn't fall down, since he didn't look too sturdy.

"I know that," he snapped, still staring at the water. "Is it really necessary for you to all be here?"

"We've already sent Ronon and Teyla to the other side of the room," John gripped his arm a little tighter and Rodney glared at him.

"Excuse me if I don't care for the idea of having an audience."

"Consider them extra support, in case you get cold feet." John grinned at him.

"I'm not going to run away, Colonel," he growled and John loosened his hand a bit even as Rodney turned to glare at the two across the room. "Would you two turn around, this isn't a free show."

"We've seen it before, McKay," Ronon informed him with a smirk, looking pointedly at Rodney's cloth covered groin before turning to face the wall like a child being punished. Teyla did the same, but John saw the smile she was trying to hide.

"Well, I'd like to limit viewings as much as possible," Rodney snapped and then glared at Carson and John for good measure. "That goes for you two as well." At Carson's rolled eyes he huffed, and then dropped the towel, muttering about not being allowed to wear anything. He was unsteady so it took the support of both men, who had taken previous care to properly sterilize their own arms, to help him sit and then lay down under the water. John watched his face, noting that Rodney was keeping his eyes closed, not looking up at them. But his hand didn't release the death grip he had on John and John didn't try to pull away for even a second.

TBC.

One more chapter to go!