Trembling hands gripping the white porcelain, Buffy stared at her reflection in the tiny mirror. She looked like hell, pale with deep bruising under both eyes. No wonder Faith ran. Who would want her like this?
An image of Willow's colorless face and Faith's dull, pained brown eyes replaced her own in the mirror. This was not about the way she looked. It was about the way she had failed to protect her best friend and her vicious attack on Faith afterward.
Buffy retched into the sink until there was nothing left inside. Sobs mixed with gasping breaths as she sank to her knees on the cold tile floor.
Faith watched Buffy nearly sprint from the room. Tremors ran through her legs, and she fought the urge to follow. She had to let it go. She had to let Buffy go. The dream was over. Faith focused her attention on Willow and Oz, ignoring the little voice in her head incessantly reminding her that she was a fool.
A hand dropped onto her shoulder and she jerked forward. Spinning in her chair, Faith met Joyce's eyes – and immediately looked away. The warm hazel eyes seemed to peer into her heart and mind.
"Welcome back," Joyce said softly. Faith relaxed. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. "Buffy was worried about you."
Damn. Maybe it was. "I bet," Faith commented bitterly. Not wanting to talk about Buffy, Faith started to turn back to Willow. The hand returned. This time, Faith stayed still, poised to pull away if Joyce pushed.
"I had to keep her from going after you." Joyce's words caused Faith to close her eyes against sudden tears. "As scared as she was over Willow, Buffy wanted to find you and apologize. We were going to look for you once the gang had taken care of things here."
Unable to say anything around the lump in her throat, Faith simply shrugged.
The fingers tightened slightly on her shoulder, their warmth slowly encroaching on the cold surrounding Faith's heart. "Giles has this under control; there's nothing you can do here. Go."
The soft command had Faith scrambling out of the chair and striding across the library. Outside the double doors, she hesitated. With Joyce no longer touching her, urging her on, Faith's momentum faltered.
A soft sound tickled her hearing.
Frowning, Faith crept cautiously down the corridor. As she advanced, the sound got louder. Someone was crying. Her stomach clenched. It had to be Buffy. Faith placed the palm of her hand on the bathroom door, pressing it slowly open.
On auto-pilot, Faith walked to Buffy's side and stood, looking at the form huddled on the floor. Seeing Buffy's pain first hand, Faith couldn't rekindle her earlier anger. Dropping to one knee, she gently gripped Buffy's arms and pulled her into a sitting position. "Don't, B." Her voice wavered on the plea. "Don't cry. I'm not worth it."
Buffy didn't answer. Instead, she hurled herself into Faith's arms, crying harder.
"Fuck!" Faith froze, hands flapping uselessly behind Buffy. "B, come on. It…it's OK. Really." Was it? With Buffy pressed against her, hot tears wetting her neck, Faith couldn't remember why she had been so angry with Buffy. Pressing a gentle kiss on the blonde head, she just wanted ease Buffy's grief.
"It's…it's not…OK," Buffy gasped out. Her shuddering breaths warmed Faith's neck. "I know you weren't to blame. I do." Buffy clutched Faith tightly.
Rocking them slightly, Faith let that sink in. "Buffy, I get that. I mean, I think I do." She closed her eyes, and forced herself to go on. "It's just…you don't trust me, do you, Buffy?" The words physically hurt to say.
"What?" Buffy leaned back, teary hazel eyes peering up into soulful brown. "No! That's not it."
"Then what?" The anger, hurt, and confusion were making a return. Faith glared down at Buffy's hazel eyes. "I didn't shoot Willow. I was right there with you when Giles brought her in."
Buffy nodded. "I never thought you shot her, Faith." Her voice started to rise.
"Really?" Faith didn't quite dump Buffy on the floor as she stood abruptly. "You might not have said the words, B, but I got the message pretty clear."
Scrambling to her feet, Buffy stood to her full height and faced Faith. "I know you didn't shoot her!"
"Yeah, but you think I should have known the Mayor had her on his hit list," Faith responded.
Her comment caught Buffy off guard. Eyes wide, Buffy stared at Faith silently.
This was it. Faith stepped back, nodding. "You do, don't you? Fuck, B!" she shouted in frustration and pain, arms waving in the air. "How am I supposed to know what the Mayor has planned? Even when I worked for him, he didn't give me his fucking schedule. Red and I may have our problems, but I wouldn't just sit on my hands and let this happen if I'd known."
"I'm sorry," Buffy listlessly repeated. She leaned her back against the sink. "I don't know what else to say, Faith. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. The last few days…Hell, just yesterday was the happiest I've ever been. And now it's all gone."
Faith stood tensely, waiting for Buffy to tell her to leave once and for all. The dizziness and disorientation from the sewers returned. The room wavered, her perspective changing rapidly. She was Buffy…she was Faith…
"Faaaaiiiith?" Buffy's voice echoed strangely, the sound dragged out.
As suddenly as the feeling started, it stopped. Faith staggered, falling into the stall door to her right. "B? What the fuck is going on?"
The fluorescent lighting in the tiny bathroom leeched all color from Buffy's face. She stared at Faith, mouth opening and closing.
"B?" Faith took a step toward her. "You felt it, too, right? Like we'd switched bodies?"
Buffy's head nodded.
"It happened earlier, when Fang and I were running from the Mayor's vamps." Moving carefully, Faith walked to Buffy. "And, you know, there was this weird vision thing when I was bringing you the dress. Like I was seeing where you were. Some crappy houses you were running past."
Warning bells went off in Faith's head as Buffy turned quickly away at her comment.
Eyes trained on Buffy's averted face, Faith pressed for answers. "You knew about this, didn't you?" No answer. "What the fuck, B! What's happening to me, to us?"
"Nothing." Buffy voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. "Nothing's happening."
She met Faith's eyes in the tiny mirror. "Really."
"Man, B, you expect me to believe that?" Faith grabbed Buffy's arm, spinning her around. "Tell me what's going on! How can you say that you trust me one minute and then lie about this the next?" Even with rage pounding in time with her heartbeat, Faith felt tears burn the backs of her eyes. Buffy's on again off again emotions were ripping at her already tattered self confidence.
For a second, Faith thought Buffy would keep refusing to explain. Then Buffy slumped in her grasp, lower lip caught in her teeth. "It's…it's a long story, and…um, it's going to sound really, really bad." Raising her eyes to Faith's, Buffy pleaded, "Promise you won't freak until you've listened to everything? Please?"
Faith nearly groaned. How bad was bad? Still, she couldn't resist those wide, scared eyes. "Alright, B. I'll listen." The blonde head came up, hope chasing some of the fear from her eyes. "And no freaking until the end," she continued grudgingly.
"Thank you," Buffy whispered. Taking a slow, deep breath, she started her story. "Remember the night at the Mansion? You, me, Angel, and a whole bunch of pointy things?"
Swallowing hard, Faith nodded jerkily. She'd never forget that night. The terror and shameful secret thrill of having Buffy at her mercy.
Small hands rubbing her pant legs, Buffy said, "I had Will do a spell for me, to show me how Angel really felt about me. You know, let me read his emotions." A blush colored her cheeks, and her voice became an indistinct mumble. "I wanted to know if he wanted me, or…or you."
In another situation, Faith might have laughed. Something told her, though, this wasn't going to be funny. "Let me guess, Wonder Witch screwed up the spell?" She braced for the answer.
"Not exactly." Buffy stopped talking and started pacing the bathroom.
When the explanation didn't pick back up, Faith sighed. "B, I can't read your mind here. You gotta talk if you want me to listen to the story."
She didn't understand Buffy's strange smile – or her quiet, "Actually, I think you can."
"I can what? Read your mind?" Faith straightened, dread and the first glimmer of understanding trickling through her. "Oh, no. You don't expect me to believe that? You said the spell was for Angel."
"It didn't exactly work the way I planned it," Buffy said with a small, wry smile. "Did you know vampires are, um…immune to emotion and thought reading? I didn't." She coughed, rubbing the back of her neck. "Apparently, neither did Will."
Faith's mind raced ahead, connecting the dots. The picture revealed by the lines staggered her. Arms wrapped tightly over her stomach, Faith whispered, "That's what this was all about. It was all about being in my head." The room blurred as tears filled her eyes. "Were you ever going to tell me? Twist the knife when you told me it was all a lie?"
"What?" Buffy sounded confused. "Faith, what are you talking about?"
"You found out I lo-" Faith broke off. Maybe her one big secret was still safe. She started to back away. "You knew I wanted you so you used that, lured me away from the Mayor, slept with me." The words burned her throat. "God, B, was it all a lie?" she half demanded, half pleaded. It couldn't be. Buffy couldn't have made love like that if it had been a lie, right?
Hands suddenly gripped her shoulders, shaking her slightly. "Oh my God, Faith. No!"
Buffy's voiced echoed hollowly in her head, and Faith prayed she wouldn't pass out. She felt so cold and sick.
The hands tightened, holding her up for a second before lowering her to the floor. Trembling lips brushed her cheek. "I can prove it. I can prove none of it was a lie, Faith. Whatever happened with the spell, I think you can read my mind, too."