Alex takes an entire box of gel pens to the ladies' room where she contemplates a romantic relationship with her partner, Bobby

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My father always said

Keep partners out of your bed

Stay clear of profilers

They're real beguilers

Please marry a doctor instead!

The way Bobby fixates

It would need the right bait.

Am I prepared to spout Latin

All over Manhattan

Just to end up on a date?

Everyone's always said

He lives too much in his head

And then there's the fees

For his mother's disease

Could Bobby even AFFORD to be wed?

He blocks out more of the sun

Than just about anyone

My apartment's too small

For a lover that tall

We'd be bruised before the fun had begun!

The man has a smile

You'd enjoy a long while

But his ticks and his quirks

Would destroy the whole works

Unless a woman were in total denial

I fear I would choke

On his cigarette smoke

"I'd rather lick the ashtray"

My aunt used to say

And she wasn't a person to joke.

That man will go to his grave

Without learning to shave

I have dermatological concerns

With the way stubble burns

I honestly don't think I'm that brave

He's forever quoting prose

Almost nobody knows

And though I'm quite smart

Could I live with his art?

Or learn how to launder his clothes?

His obsession with cars

And dead people's scars

Would drive ME to distraction

And festering dissatisfaction

That 'HIS' hobbies could never be 'OURS'.

He'd expect me to cook

Organize all his books

Pick out matching ties

And cleaning supplies

When I'd rather be chasing down crooks!

Could we ever agree

What to watch on tv?

He'd give the high five

To an autopsy live -

But find "Survivor" just too bourgeoisie.

And answering the phone

When HE wasn't home

Hearing how no one pleases

His mother but Jesus

I'd far rather be living alone!

When Bobby leaves the crime scene

Hands supposedly clean

The thought of his touch

Would be a bit much -

The CSI techs all KNOW what I mean

It's a habit to vex

The friendliest ex

Bobby won't always hear

If you scream in his ear

Unless you talking about sex!

And some day on a lark

Making out in the park

Would my Miata be wise

With a man Bobby's size?

Oops! Better ignore that remark

Would YOU want to give birth ?

To a babe of the girth

Bobby's genes would ensure

Not unless you're

Looking for hell here on earth!

There's a lot I've discerned

About his habits - I've learned

His Mom says male Gorens

Are renowned for their snorin' -

And I find myself somewhat concerned.

Watching him consume

All the food in the room -

It's possible if we wait

He'll inhale his plate

At least that's what I assume.

Are his pockets ever free

Of incredible debris?

Nail clippings in a bag

I thought I would gag!

The dry cleaners at least should thank me!

If we were having a fight

I'm afraid Bobby might

Start to argue in Chinese

Or the language of Belize

And you know that just wouldn't be right!

He'd want to explain

All he knows of the brain

Regale me with facts

While I tried to relax

I want a man who's not quite so arcane.

When he's sweating I swear

He stinks like a BEAR!

It would be one big pain

Cleaning THAT shower drain

And suppose he starts losin' his HAIR?!

After watching him flirt

With some skank in a skirt

Could I believe his denial -

Just evidence for the trial

Or I would I still find that it hurt?

And keeping mended the cuts

His knife leaves in the butts

Of his two thousand dollar suits

Would be a fruitless pursuit

The man's a certifiable klutz!

If his Mom ever thought

Me the woman he sought

Hands would flail in the air

Signifying despair

She'd rather gonorrhea than myself that he caught!

Thoughts of his gym bag are insidious

And grow ever more hideous

Size 13 dirty socks,

Sweaty shorts and used jocks -

I'm afraid I am just too fastidious.

While working a crime

He empties his mind

Of more mundane pursuits

Like pressing his suits -

That would bother me after a time.

And choosing sons' names

It would drive me insane

I can just imagine his choice

Sigmund, Caesar or Royce -

While I'm thinking Michael or James.

Bobby's eye for detail

Isn't right for a male

Even water retention

Couldn't pass without mention

His wife will feel like a baleen whale.

I could probably hack

A quick jump in the sack

After all he's good looking

And a whiz at home cooking

But long term - he's too much of a whack!

He has absolute trust

I will do what I must

And would give his left arm

To save me from harm -

Between partners that's better than lust.