Disclaimer: Sometimes it's a bad thing to let your family push you into things you don't want to do. Other times you get lucky and everything works out.

The Beer Can

Ginny growled as she read the paper. Someone had stolen the family spells, someone was using the family spells to do evil, and someone had to find out who. That someone was her… uh, the last someone not the first two.

"I'm going out, Mum," Ginny called out. "If I don't come back, avenge my death."

"Be back in time for dinner," Molly replied absently. "Wait, what?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Come again?" Fred said with an odd look on his face.

"The Minister challenges you to a debate, outside, right now," the flunky replied pompously, "you gonna throw down? Or are you a jive turkey?"

"Better do it, Fred," Angelina said sympathetically. "You wouldn't want the people to think that you're a jive turkey… whatever that is."

"I'll be right out," Fred agreed. "Just need to jot down a few notes."

"I pity the fool that gots to jot down notes," the man said as he walked out.

"Who was he?" Angelina asked.

"Hmmm?" Fred looked up, "that's just Phil… he had a little accident with a falling brick, don't worry about him."

"Oh."

"Keep these safe for me," Fred said as he handed his girlfriend the notes he'd been working on.

"Jive turkey jammer?" Angelina read.

"New idea for a prank," Fred explained. "Well, can't keep the Minister waiting."

"FRED, FRED, FRED." The crowd cheered as they caught their first glimpse of their newest hero.

"Good people," Fudge screamed. "A bit of silence if you please. The first thing you have to ask yourself, is if you want the Ministry to be run by an incompetent childish moron or someone of experience."

"We tried the first and we're ready for a change," Angelina replied loudly. No one messed with her boyfriend but her.

"I… er… that is," Fudge stammered.

"Now's your chance," Angelina whispered. "Don't let him get his balance back."

Fred looked over the crowd, judging its mood. "My opponent, Cornelius Fudge took fifteen hundred Galleons from Lucius Malfoy for a pardon."

"Uh… I can explain that," Fudge said nervously.

"I'll sell pardons for half that," Fred said loudly. "Vote for me, the economic choice."

"I'll uh… stop the dark thing and his uh… things." Fudge offered weakly.

"I'll publicly execute them," Fred retorted. "And I'll sell tickets to see the executions at a reasonable price, kids get in free and seniors get a fifteen percent discount."

"I'll insure that there are plenty of new jobs for recent graduates," Fudge tried again.

"I'll deport those damned kids if they give me any lip," Fred said quickly. "Few years abroad will do them good and teach them some respect… might also give them a chance to come home with a bit of treasure."

"I'll keep you safe from the dark wizard Jeremy." Fudge was on his last legs.

"I'll keep your daughters safe from the dark wizard Jeremy," Fred rebutted.

"FRED, FRED, FRED, FRED." The crowd chanted.

IIIIIIIIII

"What's going on out there?" Hermione asked sleepily.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Harry replied with a shocked look on his face. "And I doubt you'd believe it if you saw it. Go back to bed, I'll put up some silencing charms."

"Thanks, Harry." Hermione yawned and stumbled back into the bedroom.

IIIIIIIIII

"I'm told that you can get me an in with the newest dark lord," Ginny whispered to the sleazy looking man in the alley.

"What's in it for me?" the man asked as he leered at the young girl.

"I don't pluck your eyes out and fry them with my eggs," Ginny said with a smile. "Well… unless I get hungry."

"I'll be right back," the man said nervously. "You aren't getting hungry right now are you?"

"Maybe just a bit," Ginny admitted.

"Here's some money." The man handed Ginny a large sack of gold. "Wait in that cafe over there and order something filling."

"Thanks, Mister," Ginny replied. "Just don't take too long, I get crabby if I have to hunt people down."

"I'll be right back," the man promised.

"Wow," Ginny commented to herself. "Being a dark witch is easy."

IIIIIIIIII

"What?" Neville asked in shock.

"I want you to go join that nice Wizard Jeremy," his Gran replied. "Fellow sounded like he had some interesting ideas."

"But… but he's a Dark Wizard," Neville protested.

"Might also be a good place to meet a nice pureblood girl," she mused. "I'm not getting any younger and I want to see my great grandchildren before I'm too old to enjoy playing with them."

"I…"

"I didn't ask for any back talk," she said sharply.

"Yes, Gran," Neville agreed. "I'll go pack."

"No need, I already had a costume made up for me."

"What's this?" Neville asked as he pulled out a small piece of fabric.

"It's a studded black leather posing pouch… it belonged to your father."

"And this?" Neville asked as he pulled out a black leather mask with a zipper on the mouth.

"Gimp mask, it belonged to your grandfather."

"Why are there two belts, Gran?"

"You're supposed to wear them across your chest," the old woman explained. "So they form an X."

"No shoes?"

"I thought you could wear that pair of dragon hide boots you got from your uncle on your last birthday."

"Yes, Gran."

Meanwhile, Dean was curled up in the foetal position on the floor of his shower and crying. The boy's skin was raw from all the scrubbing and bottles of empty mouthwash were scattered around the bathroom like rats in a low rent apartment… but that has nothing to do with the story so we'll be moving along.

IIIIIIIIII

"Master?" Elizabeth called out. "The new recruits are here."

"Excellent," Ron said. "How many do we have?"

"Just three, Master," she replied.

"Send in the first one," Ron commanded.

"Right this way." The girls led the first recruit in and presented him to their master.

"I… Neville?"

"You know me… uh Lord Jeremy?"

"Call me Ron," Ron said. "Uh… what brings you here?"

"Gran wanted me to come here and find a nice pureblood girl," Neville replied with a blush.

"Uh… right, first thing you need is a costume."

"Gran made one up for me," Neville said. "I've just been too embarrassed to put it on."

"Then all you need is an evil name," Ron mused. "Something to strike fear into the hearts of our foes."

"I was hoping I could be named after my grandfather," Neville said with a smile. "Peter."

"Any idea for a last name?"

"Nope," Neville said.

"How about giving him a direction," Elizabeth suggested. "Like Peter West or Peter South."

"Peter North," Gretchen said firmly. "Welcome to the service of the Dark Wizard Jeremy, Peter North."

"Thanks," Neville said. "What do you want me to do?"

"Change into your costume and mingle," Ron said with a shrug. "Tell them that you're my new Dark Enforcer if anyone asks."

"Right…" Neville agreed.

"Here's a pamphlet on what our goals are and a survey we give to all the new recruits,"

"Thanks," Neville said.

"Here's the next one, Master," Gretchen said. "She calls herself, Scarlet."

Ron's eyes bugged out under his big yellow mask with a smiley face when he saw the new girl. "Elizabeth."

"Yes, Master?"

"The other new recruit… that's my sister."

"Oh… Kinky."

"NO IT'S NOT KINKY," Ron screamed. "Tell her that we don't have a place for her in our organization and that we appreciate her interest."

"I understand, Master," the girl agreed meekly.

"Then threaten to tell her mum if she doesn't go home and behave herself," Ron continued. "And get her to put more robes on."

"Yes, Master."

"Make sure she knows we're serious about this," Ron continued. "I don't want her here and I don't want her to come back."

"I understand, Master," Elizabeth said. "It's be awkward to do that sort of thing around your younger sister… this might be the wrong time to mention that my younger sister wants to join and that I promised to put in a good word for her. Please, Master, she's always wanted to be a follower of a dark lord and if you don't take her then she'll be stuck with the other guy."

"Fine," Ron said. "Anything, just get my sister out of here."

"Thank you, Master."

IIIIIIIIII

Neville put on his costume and made a beeline to the punch bowl where he was joined a few minutes later by a blushing girl in a mask.

"Hi," Neville unzipped his mouth and said awkwardly.

"You must be the Dark Enforcer of the North," the girl replied. "The Dark Wizard Jeremy told me about you a few minutes ago when he gave me my mark."

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "I guess so."

"I'm Kitty Smalls," the girl introduced herself. "Mind if I join you?"

"Go ahead," Neville said. "But I'm afraid I won't be much company."

"Sorry," the girl said. "I don't even know why I'm here, I only came because my parents insisted that I join a Dark Wizard and I didn't want to join the one in England."

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "I know how you feel. My Gran wanted me to come here because she said the new Dark Wizard had some great ideas… she also wants me to meet a nice pureblood girl."

"My mum said the same thing when she sent me out the door," the girl agreed. "Say… you want to find somewhere a bit more private so we can talk?"

"Sure," Neville agreed. "It's kinda crowded in here."

The two of them spent the next few hours talking until finally 'Kitty' leaned in for a kiss. "That was nice."

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "But isn't it a bit strange kissing through the masks?"

"Is it ok to take them off?"

"I think so," Neville agreed. The two teens took a deep breath and removed their masks.

"Neville?" The girl gasped. "You're the Dark Enforcer of the North?"

"Daphne?" Neville choked. "You're Kitty Smalls?"

"Well…" the girl began after an awkward pause and a glance at Neville's lap. "You certainly put the 'Long' in Longbottom don't you."

"I…"

"Mum'll be so happy that I found a nice pureblood boyfriend," Daphne continued with a smile. "You… you are my boyfriend aren't you?"

"I don't just go around kissing every girl I meet," Neville agreed stiffly.

IIIIIIIIII

"So I was thinking," Hermione said with a smile. "We should branch out and hit a target in the muggle world."

"Really?" Harry asked with false astonishment. "I was just thinking the same thing."

"But whatever shall we rob?" Hermione asked. "It has to be some place easy to get to."

"Why don't we just rob the first place we come across?" Harry suggested.

"Excellent idea Harry, thinking like that is what made me marry you."

"I thought lack of research is what made you marry me?"

"Whatever," Hermione shrugged it off. "Back to the task at hand." The two teens grinned and turned back to the building in front of them, the building bearing a sign that identified it as the corporate headquarters of the Grunnings Drill Works."

"Shall we?" Harry said offering his arm.

"We shall," Hermione agreed as she took his arm.

AN: More to come, lots of chapters to edit.

Omake by neil.reynolds

Here's a scene I hope the story never gets to reach.

"Ronald Weasley, alias Ron Jeremy, for the crime of impelling people to shag thereby increasing the birth rate of our slowly dying world; we find you guilty as charged.

"You will be given a sentence of two years in prison and the order of Merlin, first class.

"And may god have mercy on your soul. And on mine."

Addition by Deric

As he was being led away by the Chief Auror, Kingsley whispered to Ron, "The 'prison' is an island in the Azores. Alicia says to stay there for three years before running amok here again. She and Tonks want to have their children a minimum of three years apart."