Disclaimer: Always wear groin protection . . . ALWAYS.

Partners

"Good morning, Gran," Neville said to his oddly smug grandmother. "How are you doing today?"

"Perfect," the old woman purred. "So how are you enjoying the service of the Dark Wizard Jeremy? Have you found a nice girl yet?"

"Yes, Gran," Neville agreed. "Her name is Daphne and… "

"One of the Greengrasses?"

"Yes, Gran."

"Well… you always did like Herbology," the old woman said after a moment of thought. "Just don't take too long to start ploughing her fields, I'm not getting any younger and I do want those great grandchildren."

"Yes, Gran."

"And I've been thinking," she mused. "You haven't had to many friends over, why don't you invite some of your dorm mates over like… say, I don't know… that Dean fellow."

"Uh…"

"Just make sure he's here for your birthday," the old woman continued. "You're becoming a man and I want one last memory before you do."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Harry, Hermione." Tonks said nervously. "Lovely day isn't it?"

"What is it?" Hermione demanded suspiciously.

"Well…"

"Out with it," Hermione growled.

"I don't think you'll like it," Tonks said.

"Just spit it out," she asked in exasperation.

"The Ministry has accepted a proposal by one of the pureblood families to give you assistance in your hunt for the Fox and the Hound," Tonks said with a fake smile. "Isn't that lovely?"

"That doesn't sound too bad," Harry said slowly.

"What sort of assistance?" Hermione asked quickly.

"Uh… Luna Lovegood… isn't that great?"

"What sort of help can Luna give us?"

"Why don't you ask her," Tonks said with a smile. "I can bring her up if you like."

"Hermione?" Harry shrugged to indicate his indifference.

"Fine," Hermione agreed.

"I'll be back in a jiff," Tonks promised.

"This is going to be a bit strange," Harry whispered. "After I've seen… uh… the real Luna so to speak."

"Just forget that," Hermione whispered back. "I know it'll be strange but… shhh, here they are."

"Hello, Luna," Hermione said. "How are you today?"

"Hello, Hermione," Luna replied.

"Why don't I just leave you three alone?" Tonks suggested as she slipped out the door.

"Hello, Harry," Luna said. "How are you doing today?"

"Hey, Luna," Harry greeted his friend. "I'm fineeeeee."

"What happened, Harry?" Hermione asked in concern.

"I was just checking to see if he was wearing groin protection," Luna said innocently. "He wasn't, you're really going to have to take this more seriously, Harry. You wouldn't want your bits to be infested by sleeples would you?"

"I'm sure it will be fine," Hermione said through gritted teeth as she firmly pulled the other girl's hand out of Harry's pants.

"If you say so," Luna said slowly.

"I dooooo."

"You're not wearing any either?"

"Take your hand out of my pants, Luna," Hermione said through gritted teeth.

"Hmmmm," Luna removed her hand. "You should really pay more attention to that sort of thing, better safe then sorry."

IIIIIIIIII

And that's that," Ron muttered to himself. "I hope Elizabeth was able to convince Ginny not to come back." Ron's eyes shot open in horror when a horrible thought penetrated his mind, his mum's family's disguise spells. Ginny could come back if she used them and he'd never be able to recognise her if he couldn't remember the counter charms. Sweating nervously, Ron walked up to Gretchen.

"Yes, Master?"

"I have an important assignment for you," Ron began. "One, which is vital to my happiness and sanity."

"Of course, Master," she agreed. "Whatever you desire… anything."

"Anything?" Ron said hopefully, "well I've always wanted to try… later. I need you to make sure that my sister doesn't come back. My mum's family had some disguise spells that Ginny is supposed to get when she's old enough and I want you to make sure that she doesn't come back."

"Yes, Master."

"And pick up a bottle of cream on your way back," Ron said. "And some strawberries, we're running low again."

"I live to serve and I die to serve," Gretchen said as she kissed the back of her master's hand.

"No dieing, your job isn't to die for me it's to live for me," Ron said sharply. Ron's eyes widened in shock, did he really just say that? Man, he was getting to into this dark wizard thing.

"Oh Master," Gretchen moaned. "You say the most romantic things."

IIIIIIIIII

"We need what?"

"Groin protection," Hermione said firmly. "To keep Luna out of our pants."

"I…"

"Don't get me wrong," Hermione said quickly. "I like Luna, I just don't 'like' Luna."

"Wouldn't it be simpler just to tell Luna not to be so grabby?"

"She'd just forget," Hermione said absently. "Or decide that it was for our own good because we weren't intelligent enough to protect our self from sloopers or whatever so it was her job."

"I… see."

"It'll need to be something non-magical," Hermione mused. "Or maybe magical but completely covered in silk."

"I'll leave you to it then," Harry said as he eased away from his obsessive friend.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello Mrs. Weasley," Gretchen said politely. "May I come in?"

"Who are you?" Molly demanded.

"My name is the Dark Bunny Gretchen," she replied. "I'm one of the Dark Wizard Jeremy's servants."

"Are you here to kill me or one of my family?"

"No ma'am," Gretchen said quickly. "Of course not, Master would be very unhappy with me if I did that."

"Come in then," Molly said. "Would you like some cookies?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"So what are you here about then?"

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy wanted me to ask you to stop Ginny Weasley from becoming one of his servants," Gretchen said.

"Ginny?"

"Yes ma'am," Gretchen agreed. "She tried to join yesterday and the Dark Wizard turned her down."

"Why'd he turn her down? Isn't she good enough for him?"

"It's nothing against her," Gretchen said quickly. She could understand how a mother could get annoyed that a Dark Wizard refused to take her daughter as a dark concubine. Her own mother was probably still bragging to the neighbours about her daughter's place as number two in the dark harem. "It's just that master said that it'd be weird for his sister to be one of his minions."

"Wait… sister?" Molly froze in shock. "What's the Dark Wizard Jeremy's first name?"

"Ron ma'am."

"He HAD to do something that none of his brothers had done first," Molly muttered to herself. "Well… at least he isn't an accountant."

"What was that, ma'am?"

"Nothing, dear," Molly said. "Have another cookie, and tell me about this Dark Harem my son has acquired."

"Well, there's Elizabeth. She's number one in the harem and has been since master kidnapped her from Voldemort and broke her to his will…"

IIIIIIIIII

"I'm sorry, but you're really not the sort of person we're looking for."

"Why not?" Ginny demanded. "I'm pureblood, what else do you idiots want?"

"We've recently transitioned to an all male organization," the Death Eater said primly. "And don't even think of using spells to try to make yourself look like a man. That would be icky."

"Fine," Ginny growled. "I'll just have to find some other patsy to help me defeat the Dark Wizard Jeremy."

"Girls," the Death Eater said as the angry redhead stormed out.

IIIIIIIIII

"Ron did what?"

"There certainly weren't any Dark Lords on my side of the family," Molly sniffed.

"So that's why he needed to learn how to give a dark mark," Arthur said in dawning comprehension. "And there was a dark lord on your side of the family dear, remember great uncle Anthrax?"

"Oh right," Molly said slowly. "But I hardly think he counts, he was only my uncle by marriage."

"Whatever you say, Dear."

"At least he had the good sense to recruit followers like that nice Gretchen girl," Molly continued. "And from what she tells me, I may be enjoying my grandchildren sooner then I thought."

"Maybe even sooner," Arthur mused. "I taught Ron the family version of the dark mark."

"The one that…"

"Yup."

IIIIIIIIII

"You told my mum that I was a Dark Lord?" Ron asked in shock.

"Yes, Master," Gretchen agreed. "Does this displease you?"

"Yes," Ron growled. "It displeases me."

"Forgive me, Master." The girl looked close to tears. "I'll do anything."

"Plaga Calus," Ron spat, casting the family punishment charm.

"You do forgive me, Master," the girl squealed in delight as she felt a phantom hand striking her on the buttocks. "Oh Master, take me now."

"Wait, I mumph." Ron was silenced when the girl threw herself into his arms and stuck her tongue down his throat. It seemed that being a dark lord wasn't quite as easy as one would think.

IIIIIIIIII

"So what do you think Ron's doing right now?" Hermione said.

"I can tell you what he's not doing," Harry muttered. "He's not trying on a titanium and kevlar cup."

"Let's see Luna get through that," Hermione said with satisfaction. "Do you like the silk lining? Mine feels nice against my skin but I wasn't sure you'd like yours."

"You're wearing a cup?"

"Chastity belt," Hermione explained. "See?"

"Not much, it's very… uh…"

"Covering?" Hermione offered. "Let's see Luna get through this."

IIIIIIIIII

"There you are." Molly was waiting for her daughter when she came home. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… wait, what have I done?"

"Trying to join Ron's dark harem," Molly said. "How could you, you know how much it means to him to be independent and original."

"I didn't try to join Ron's harem, Mum," Ginny defended herself. "I tried to join the Dark Wizard Jeremy's followers so I could find out where he learned our family spells. Then I was going to vanquish him and after he turned me down I tried to join Voldemort so that I could trick him into killing the Dark Wizard Jeremy for me."

"Trying to join Dark Lords?" Molly growled. "I don't care if your brother is the Dark Wizard Jeremy, I don't want you becoming a dark witch."

"But mum… wait, the Dark Wizard Jeremy's my brother?"

"I may tolerate Ron's becoming a Dark Wizard, but that's only because it gets me more grandchildren," Molly continued. "Becoming a Dark Witch won't get me grandchildren so I don't want you doing it."

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy's my brother?"

"So I think what we're going to have to do is find some more wholesome grandchild producing activity for you," Molly said to herself. "Are you listening to me young lady?

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy's my brother?" Ginny was still stuck on that last thought.

IIIIIIIIII

"So who do you wanna hit tonight?" Harry asked.

"How about Pansy's family?" Hermione asked. "We've already taken down the top Slytherin boy, why don't we get the top girl next?"

"Alright," Harry agreed. "I yaiiiii."

"Put on your groin protection," Hermione said firmly. "And let's go."

"Right," Harry agreed. He wasn't sure if Luna's influence was a good thing or a bad thing.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good… one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.