Disclaimer: Don't anger geeks, they have long memories and may find themselves in a position to get revenge in the future.
A Forgotten Prank
Harry and Hermione were creeping through the Parkinson manner looting it of everything worth more then two knuts when fate decided to hit them with a complication.
"Who are you?" an old and presumably senile woman demanded.
"Uh…"
"Avon calling?"
"Thieves," the crazed woman shouted… about three seconds before she started flinging curses. "DIE."
"Run Fox," Harry screamed.
"Right behind you Hound," Hermione shouted back.
They rounded a corner and burst through one of the windows to escape. "I thought they were all supposed to be out tonight?" Hermione demanded as they ran across the lawn to the location that they'd cached their brooms.
"They were," Harry replied breathlessly. "Guess they left their crazy relative behind."
"Could have at least done us the courtesy of locking her up first," Hermione muttered as she got on the broom behind her friend and wrapped her arms around him. "Or at least put her in a home somewhere."
IIIIIIIIII
"You have to learn to face your fear," the psychologist said firmly.
"I can't," Dean sobbed. "Do you know what… oh god."
"You need to face her," the psychologist continued. "You can't live your life with this hanging over your head. You have to face her and accept what happened."
"I… I'm not sure I'm strong enough."
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry look," Hermione gasped. "Do you feel any pain?"
"Why would I… oh." Harry looked at the chunk of steel sticking out of a very sensitive place in his body. Immediately ripping off his pants, Harry removed his groin protection to examine the aforementioned area. "Doesn't look like it got through the titanium."
"Let me see," Hermione demanded. Harry blushed when his friend pulled his hands away and spent several seconds examining the area. "Everything looks fine to me."
"Can I put my pants back on?"
"In a minute."
"Hermione, your eye."
"What is it?" The girl finally jerked her attention away from Harry's exposed groin and reached up with one hand.
"Looks like you have a black eye." Harry brushed his fingers against the bruising, causing his friend to hiss in pain. "Does it hurt much?"
"Not until you touched it… I don't know any healing spells."
"Neither do I," Harry replied. "But for moment, just put something cold on it while I take care of things."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Harry said firmly. "Go lay down and let me figure something out." Harry spent several seconds pacing before he was hit by a sudden thought.
Taking a handful of floo powder, he tossed a handful into the fireplace. "Professor McGonagall," Harry whispered into the fireplace. "Are you there?"
"Who is it?" The old woman groaned. "And why are you calling at this hour?"
"It's Harry Professor," Harry replied. "I need your help."
"What is it?" The old woman snapped awake. "Do you know how worried everyone is?"
"I'm sorry, Professor," Harry said quickly. "But that's not what I'm calling."
"Slow down," Minerva said with a smile. "And tell me what has happened." The old woman was more then a bit alarmed at the boy's distress.
"It's Hermione," Harry explained. "She got in a fight."
"What?"
"I need to know how to heal her up," Harry continued. "I don't know what to do."
"Ms. Granger got into a fight," Minerva demanded incredulously.
"Yes Professor."
"Who with?"
"The Fox," Harry said.
"Ah," Minerva said with a nod of understanding. "Did she win?"
"I think so," Harry agreed. "She was too smug about it to be the looser, she wouldn't talk about it though."
"Listen carefully," Minerva said in what she termed her 'professor' voice. "To take care of the bruises, you must first…"
IIIIIIIIII
"I think I know what we can do about the whole… Snape situation."
"What is it?" Hestia whispered back.
"Well, officially we'll turn him in for being a Death Eater."
"Unofficially?"
"Unofficially we'll mention our suspicions and let nature take its course, you know what happens to guys like him in prison."
"Poor Dumbledore, I wonder how long this has been happening to him?"
"It's ending now, we'll figure out how to heal his trauma later."
"Let's just hope that he's too senile to know what's been happening to him."
IIIIIIIIII
Harry and Hermione cautiously made their way to the prearranged meeting they had with Luna at the Leaky Cauldron.
"Deep calming breaths," Hermione muttered to herself. "Ok, let's go."
"Hello, Luna," Harry said loudly as they walked towards the girl's table.
"Hello Harry, Hello Hermione." Luna said as she put down her paper. "How are you doing today?"
"We're doing just fine," Harry said.
"Good," Luna said as she picked up her paper. "I've already had breakfast, but feel free to order some for yourselves."
"Aren't you going to check for groin protection?" Hermione asked a trifle smugly.
"Why would I do that?" Luna asked blankly. "You don't need that sort of thing anymore, not after last night anyway."
"Why not?" Hermione asked nervously. She couldn't mean…
"Because it isn't sleeple season anymore," Luna said slowly as if she was talking to a small and particularly slow child. "They went into hibernation last night, everyone knows that."
"Oh… of course," Hermione stuttered.
"I'm going to go powder my nose," Luna said with a grin. "I'll be right back." Oh this was ever so much fun.
"Did you hear what she said?" Harry whispered.
"I'm sure it's just a coincidence," Hermione whispered firmly. "Yes a coincidence, nothing we need to worry about. Just need to put it out of our heads and forget about it, yes forget about it."
"But…"
"We will forget about it and we will get on with our lives like nothing happened," Hermione said through clenched teeth. "Alright … dear?"
"Fine," Harry agreed. "But if this blows up in our faces, I reserve the right to say I told you so."
"That won't happen," Hermione said with a grin. "Like I said, this is all just one big coincidence."
"What is?" Luna asked as she walked up. "The fact that the Malfoy's look like dung beetles? I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one, Hermione."
"You are?"
"Yes," Luna agreed. "I are. Now I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that they were descended from a cross between house elves and ugly house elves and I must admit that there's quite a bit of evidence to support that point of view."
"There is?"
"I know," Luna said in exasperation. "But after the trial, father was finally able to convince the Ministry to examine one of them and he found that there were no traces of house elf. This has led us to conclude that the Malfoy family is nothing more then some cleverly transfigured dung beetles."
"Interesting theory," Harry mused. "Could you send me your notes?"
"I'll do that," Luna said with a dreamy smile.
"Thanks, Luna," Hermione said calmly. No one that had odd ideas like that could possibly be sane… although, didn't they always say that seers were a bit loopy.
"Aren't you going to order breakfast, Hermione?" Luna asked innocently.
"I've lost my appetite."
IIIIIIIIII
"Good afternoon, Mr. Snape," the Auror began. "I assume that you're aware of why we brought you in."
"No, I'm not," Snape said sourly.
"Merely an informal interrogation," the Auror said smoothly. "We're doing it to everyone that was accused of being a Death Eater the last go round."
"Let's just get this over and done with then," Snape growled. "The sooner we do this, the sooner I can go home."
"That's the spirit," the Auror cheered. "As you're a noted Potions Master and Occlumens we're going to try something a bit… different than is usual."
"Fine."
"Bring it in," he called out. A few seconds later, a pudgy tech came into the room wheeling in a strange device.
"Uh… is that it?"
"Yes it is," the tech confirmed.
"Then get on with it."
"This clips onto your ear," the tech attached a clip to Snape's ear. "This goes on the other." As the man spoke, he attached each successive clip. "Your nose, your fingers, your toes." He held up a large pair of jumper cables. "These go on your genitalia."
"Wha arg."
"And this goes up your bum," he said holding up a large spiked club.
"Absolutely not," Snape gasped.
"Fine, but it won't be as precise." Actually, none of the clips were necessary. He just wanted to get back at the man for seven years of unpleasant potions classes. I think the lesson here is that you don't mess with nerds, they have long memories and they hold grudges. "I want you to answer yes to the next three questions, do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Is your name Severus Snape?"
"Yes."
"Did you support yourself by brewing potions after you got out of Hogwarts?"
"Yes."
"Are you aroused by the thought of Albus Dumbledore naked?"
"What? I'm not going to say yes."
"You have to, it doesn't matter what the real response is. It's just to calibrate the machine. Now, do you find Albus Dumbledore arousing?"
"Yes," Snape growled.
"Have you ever sexually molested Albus Dumbledore?"
"What? No."
"Uh huh… are you attempting to kidnap Harry Potter so that you can have your sick way with him?"
"No," Snape said firmly.
"I see… moving right along."
IIIIIIIIII
"Finished with your new secret weapon against Fudge that will surely win you the election?" Angelina asked.
"Yes we are, my sweet."
"You try that again and I kill you, George," Angelina said calmly. "And I'll kill you just on principle, on the off chance that you had foreknowledge and didn't try to stop him, Fred."
"How dare you impersonate me and try to get one over on my lovely girlfriend," Fred said with unconvincing sternness.
"My… um… dastardly and completely solo plot has been uncovered," George added. "Curses."
"Just get on with it."
Fred placed a small box on the table. "Go ahead, open it."
"A statue of Fudge?" the girl said flatly.
"Not just a statue of Fudge," George said. "Watch what happens when I say Voldemort."
"There is no dark thingy," the statue squeaked.
"Is it wetting itself?" Angelina asked in disgust.
"It dispenses lemonade when you say Voldemort," Fred explained.
"Aak," the Fudge doll squealed.
"It just shat itself didn't it?" The girl asked with a long-suffering sigh.
"If you say Voldemort more then once in the space of thirty seconds, it dispenses fudge." George added helpfully.
"How soon can you have these on the shelves?" She may have been disgusted by the disgusting little dolls, but she was also much too savvy to miss such a great public relations gimmick.
IIIIIIIIII
"Well?"
"Guy's a sicko," the polygraph tech said firmly. "Look at the first two questions, we know from his records that his real name is Snivellus and that he was a man whore after he graduated."
"Odd that they'd put that in his record…"
FLASHBACK"This is our best prank yet," Sirius giggled. "Changing the wanker's name to Snivellus in his official record."
"Your idea of changing his profession to 'Man Whore' was good, too," James snorted. "Sometimes even I am in awe of our deeds."
"Too right mate, now let's get out of here before anyone notices us."
BACK TO THE FUTURE"… but useful. Go on."
"And look here when I asked about Dumbledore naked," the tech went on. "His heart rate rose dramatically and it's the exact opposite of the first two answers so we know it's the truth."
"Looks like it's clear that he's been doing things to poor Dumbledore, also," the other man said sadly. "Poor old man."
"Poor Harry Potter if this bastard ever gets his hands on him; you're locking him away, aren't you?"
"No evidence," he said sadly. "But we'll keep an eye on him."
"But… but you can't just let him go."
"We can hold him for seventy-two hours, it won't be pleasant."
"It might be for him, look at the healer's report."
"My god."
"They said that sort of damage could only be caused by massive and repeated trauma." The tech looked sick. "They also found trace amounts of dragon… of dragon… I can't go on."
"I guess… I guess it won't be group cells for him after all. I… we still have some of those unheated damp cold cells don't we?"
"They're being used as sewage overflow tanks but yes, why?"
"Because I think I might have found Snape's new home."
"Aren't you worried that he'll enjoy that, too?"
"God help us if he does."
AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good… one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.
Nods to the fic: Harry Potter and the Fudge of Doom if I remember the title correctly.