Disclaimer: Some beings don't understand expressions, be very very careful about what you say around these beings.

It's ALL For His Own Good

"Where are you taking me?" Snape demanded.

"Holding cell number five," the guard growled. He'd heard about the things this sicko liked to do.

"Why?" Snape said in shock. "I was told I could go."

"You can," the guard agreed. "Later."

"But…"

"Shut up," the other guard spoke for the first time. "Scum."

"And stay in there," the guard shouted as he threw Snape into the sew… that is to say, holding cell. "You sick bastard."

"Well," Snape said to himself. "At least things can't get any worse." As if fate had been challenged to prove him wrong, the oily man felt a what seemed to be a tentacle caress his shoulder. "Oh bugger… no… no wait, that wasn't an invitation… NOOOOOOOOOO."

IIIIIIIIII

"So I was thinking," Luna began. "We need costumes."

"Costumes?" Hermione asked suspiciously. This had to be another of Luna's plots to feel her and Harry up.

"Yes costumes," Luna confirmed.

"Why… what kind of costumes?"

"The Fox and the Hound have costumes," Luna counted off fingers as she spoke. "The Death Eaters have costumes, the Dark Wizard Jeremy has a costume, his Dark Bunnies have costumes, and even the Aurors have official robes. I don't think it's fair that we don't have costumes."

"We don't need to get costumes, Luna," Hermione sighed.

"Why?" Luna asked innocently. "Do you already have costumes?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Of course we don't," Harry agreed quickly. "No reason for either of us to have costumes."

"Oh… then what about those kinky sex outfits Professor McGonagall caught you in?"

"Uh…"

"Kinky sex?" Hermione offered weakly.

"You're using kinky sex costumes for kinky sex?" Luna asked in fascination. "Really?"

"Yes," Hermione agreed firmly.

"Can I watch?"

"No."

"Then how can you prove that you aren't using them for other things?" Luna persisted. "If you're using them for other things then you don't need costumes, but if you aren't then you will need other costumes."

"Why don't you design a few costumes that we can look at?" Harry suggested. "That way we can pick the best one or continue looking."

"Oh, it will be ever so much fun," Luna squealed.

IIIIIIIIII

"This can't be true," the reporter said sickly.

"I wish," the Auror said as he took another shot. "Every word of it is… gods, what kind of person can do that sort of thing?"

"You…"

"I've seen all sorts of sick things in my life," the Auror continued. "I've seen murders, I've seen… but nothing like this. What kind of…"

"I can't print this without evidence you know," the reporter said softly.

"I know, I just…"

"It's ok, hon, now come back to bed. You need your sleep."

"That's why I married you," the Auror said fondly. "You keep me grounded."

"I love you, too."

IIIIIIIIII

"I now call this meeting to… where's Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"Uh… he's been arrested, Headmaster," Hestia said with a sick smile.

"Really?" Dumbledore asked in shock. "I'll have to go down to the Ministry to get him out, he's much too valuable to remain behind bars."

"Uh… it's not because he's a Death Eater Headmaster," Hestia said slowly. "It's… uh… just for a couple of days."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Well… I suppose we should start the meeting then." Dumbledore looked around the table with a smile. "Does anyone have anything to share with us?"

"I do," Minerva said with a smug grin. "And I hope all of you have a few Galleons with you."

"Why is that Minerva?" Dumbledore asked.

"Because I got a floo from Harry last night," Minerva said. "Seems that Ms. Granger got into a fight with the Fox just like Lily did all those years ago… pay up."

"Why would anyone," Dumbledore cut off and stared in shock as most of the Order handed several coins to his Deputy Headmistress.

"Told you it wasn't just for show," Minerva said with a grin. "But I'd like to thank you for not listening. It proved to be quite… profitable."

"What's happening?" Dumbledore asked in shock.

"A few people doubted me when I told them that Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger were in a genuine relationship," McGonagall explained. "The fact that Ms. Granger got into a fight with the Fox suggests that I am correct."

"I see…"

IIIIIIIIII

"What are you doing?" the guard asked his colleague.

"Spitting in the bastard's food."

"Don't bother."

"Why not?"

"After what the cooks did to the food… well… let's just say that spit might improve the flavour."

"Oh, open up the cell."

"Here you go you… urk… I'm gonna be sick."

"With the tentacle monster?" The other guard said in shock. "You sick bastard."

"Toss in the food quick."

"Catch." The guards slammed the cell door shut and contemplated vomiting. "Bastard can't be sane."

"Yeah… wait, we gotta let him go in a few days right?"

"Unfortunately."

"But you just said it, he can't be sane. We'll just transfer him to the mental ward at St. Mungo's."

"Rather see him in Azkaban but it's better then letting him go free… let's go tell the boss."

IIIIIIIIII

"Master?"

"What is it Elizabeth?" Ron sighed.

"I… I don't know how to say it Master," she said nervously. "I don't wish to displease you."

"Spit it out."

"We need an exercise program for the dark harem," she began. "And it may be best for you to get some exercise yourself."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Dancing Master," she said. "Gretchen, bring out the poles."

"What type of dancing requires poles?" Ron demanded.

"You'll see, Master," Elizabeth said with a sly smile. "We can discuss your exercise program after that."

"Sure," Ron agreed. "Why not."

IIIIIIIIII

"I demand to know what you're going to do about this," Fudge squeaked.

"Do about what Minister?" Madame Bones asked with a long-suffering sigh.

"This," Fudge said as he put a small figure of himself on the desk.

"A statue of yourself?"

"Those Weasleys are putting it out," Fudge growled. "Arrest them."

"For what?"

"Disrespecting a Ministry official."

"By making a statue of you?"

"It's not just a statue," Fudge said. "It… does things."

"Things?"

"When you say… the dark thingy's name."

"Voldemort?"

"Akk." Fudge choked and wet himself.

"There is no dark thingy," the statue squeaked and wet itself.

"Seems pretty accurate to me," Bones said dryly. "I'm afraid that there's nothing I can do."

"But… but…"

"Voldemort," Bones tried again.

"Akk." Fudge soiled himself.

"Akk." The doll… that is to say action figure followed suit.

"Well… that bought my vote."

IIIIIIIIII

"MUM?" Ron screamed in shock. "What are you doing here?"

"Bring your knees up, dear," Molly said to one of her potential sources of grandchildren.

"MUM?" Ron shrieked like a little girl. "What are you doing?"

"It's what you're not doing," Molly said in exasperation.

"But…"

"It's like this," Molly interrupted. "Ronny, dear, that's not the correct position to ensue conception. If you keep doing it like that, I'll NEVER have the hundreds of grandchildren I want. You have to angle it more, and thrust like SO, to make certain she conceives. It helps to have her put her legs over your shoulders and hook her ankles together behind your head. That's how I did it with your father when we had you..."

"How…" Ron considered and discarded the idea of committing suicide to escape the current situation. "How'd you know where my dark hideout was?"

"Gretchen told me," Molly replied. "But that's not important."

"Gretchen?" Ron regarded his third in command with a look of betrayal.

"Sorry, Master," the girl said sheepishly.

"Don't you dare punish Gretchen for telling me where you were," Molly snapped. "She was just being a good daughter-in-law."

"Daughter-in-law?"

"Yes, you're all my cute daughters-in-law." Molly explained. "After all, the more daughters-in-law I have, the more grandchildren I have."

"Good thinking, Mother," Gretchen said.

"Thank you, dear," Molly said fondly. "But that's not why I came here. I came here to assure you that Ginny will not be trying to join your little club in the future."

"She's not?" Ron asked hopefully.

"No," Molly said firmly. "And I've explained to her that she is not to try to join Dark Wizards in the future and grounded her until I'm sure that she's learned her lesson."

"Uh… thanks mum," Ron said after he realized that his mother was waiting for a response. "Now if you don't mind…"

"Of course, dear," Molly said. "I'll just be going, I just came here to tell you about Ginny and to get a look at the Dark Harem."

"Gretchen," Ron said calmly after his mother had left the room.

"Yes, Master?" The girl asked nervously.

"You don't happen to know any memory charms do you?"

"Sorry, Master."

"Anyone else?"

"Sorry, Master," the other girls chorused.

"Damn."

IIIIIIIIII

"With Dragons you say?"

"Yes, Healer," the orderly agreed. "And the guards found him… cavorting with the tentacle creature in one of the holding cells earlier today."

"Fascinating… and you say that he seemed to enjoy bathing in raw sewage?"

"Yes, Healer."

"Hmmm… I may be able to get a book out of this, clear my schedule. I want to see the patient right now."

"I figured you'd want to examine him right away, we have him waiting outside."

"Excellent," the Healer said. "Lead the way."

"Right this way, Healer." The orderly motioned the Healer through a side door.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Snape," the Healer said. "Let me see… take him downstairs and suspend him from the ceiling. Then I want you to spin him for three hours. After you let him down, administer fifteen gallons of yogurt."

"But I can't eat that much," Snape tried to protest.

"Don't worry Mr. Snape, it's not going into that end." The Healer said with an absentminded grin. "Then… hmmm, administer the electro-shock treatment."

"SHOCK TREATMENT?" Snape screamed.

"On the high setting I think…well, hop to it man."

"Right away, Doctor," the burley orderly agreed.

"If that doesn't work I want you to go through the entire thing again three times," the Healer said thoughtfully. "And notify me immediately, I'd rather try everything else before the lobotomy."

"Lobotomy?" Snape screeched.

"Very good, Mr. Snape," the Healer congratulated him. "You pronounced that word correctly. Yes, I'd rather try everything else first," the Healer said to the orderly. What a book this would be.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.