Disclaimer: When in doubt, lie . . . lie like you've never lied before.

The Lovegood's new Clothes

Harry and Hermione woke that morning to a pounding on the door. "Who could that be?" Hermione grumbled.

"Pretend they aren't there and they'll go away," Harry mumbled. "Now go back to sleep."

"Mmmyah," Hermione said eloquently as she buried her head under a pillow. "The pounding stopped," she said in relief.

"Of course it stopped," Luna replied. "I can't very well pound on a door and pick a lock at the same time can I?"

"Luna?" Hermione said in shock.

"Which reminds me," the girl said with a nod. "You forgot to give me a key to the front door, Hermione, that was very absentminded of you."

"I didn't forget," Hermione groaned.

"Then someone stole the key and wiped my memory?" Luna asked in shocked horror. "We've got to change the locks before they break in… do you think that it's the Fox and the Hound?"

"Don't worry," Hermione said with a sick smile. "I fully intend to change the locks to something harder to pick."

"Good thinking."

"Wake up, Harry," Hermione grouched. "If I have to be awake, we have to be awake."

"Pinch his nose," Luna suggested. "Or… I know, we could…"

"No," Hermione interrupted casually. Whatever Luna's suggestion was, it couldn't be something she wanted to hear this early. "You watch him, I'm going to get some ice."

"Ok," Luna agreed brightly. Hermione couldn't help but think that she was making a mistake. But honestly, how much trouble could Luna get into in just a couple minutes.

Hermione returned to find Luna peering under the blanket. "What are you doing Luna?" Hermione asked calmly.

"Inspecting Harry for Flockworts," Luna replied brightly. "We wouldn't want him to get an outbreak would we?"

"I suppose not," Hermione said. "But why don't you let me worry about that in the future." Hermione was in the middle of congratulating herself for her reply when Luna ruined her good feelings.

"But doesn't it take two people?"

"I have a way that only needs one person," Hermione replied.

"Can you show me?"

"Uh… family secret?"

"Ok," Luna said with a conspiratorial nod. "Did you bring the ice?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Good afternoon Snivellus, may I call you Snivellus?" the healer greeted walking into the room.

"ARRGGGHH!!!! NO YOU MAY NOT YOU MORONIC CRETIN!!! MY NAME IS SEVERUS! You're obviously in league with that flea-bitten werewolf as he's the only one alive that knows that ridiculous bastardization of my name. Leave me alone."

"I'm afraid I can't do that Professor Snape, you've been remanded to our custody by the ministry due to your odd proclivities, and you must be treated. As for Snivellus, your file quite clearly states that's you name. Though I can see why you'd hate it. Obviously you have some issues with your parents. Considering your profession as a man whore for the years between graduation and your accepting a professorship at Hogwarts I'd expect your father. Did he molest you often? When did it start?"

Snape just turned an interesting shade of red heading towards purple while sputtering in impotent rage.

"You know I'm not supposed to talk about other patients, but I've talked to a number of students you've plainly abused in your class. You obviously have unresolved anger issues, do you hate your mother for not intervening with your fathers abuse?" The healer asked while scribbling on some parchment.

Snape was now well into purple and making more of a choking noise.

"Interesting," the healer said arching his eyebrow. "Now what about your relationship with the Headmaster? I'm curious as to why he's let you abuse your students, how did you convince him to let you attempt to pursue a sexual relationship with Potter?"

"WHAT! I NEVER!" Snape finally managed to speak.

"We know about the pictures, don't try to deny it. I can almost understand that, he's and attractive enough young man, if I swung that way, I'd be tempted to make a run myself. What I really want to know is if these unfulfilled desires are what finally drove you to debasing yourself with dragons and tentacle monsters while swimming in sewage?"

"I can assure you, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this." Snape said his brain finally engaging, and proceeded to explain being caught out by dragons gathering potions ingredients, that the tentacle monster was actually a case of Auror abuse, and that his desire for desire for pictures of Potter was simply part of his role as a professor at Hogwarts assigned to recover a runaway student by Dumbledore. All in all, a perfect lie with just enough truth to explain his actions with out revealing his dual roles as a death eater or a member of the Order.

"Really, Snivellus, I'd hoped we might of made some progress today. You are clearly not able to accept responsibility for your actions yet. I understand that accepting that your parents didn't love you like they should have is hard. But until you do, and can accept the truth of your actions, I'll have to order your treatments to continue." The healer sighed with resignation. "ORDERLY, double the yogurt, and use the large rectal probe and genital clips as well as the hat to administer the electroshock therapy. I'll be down in a while to provide some suggestions while he's undergoing the shock treatment."

"Yes sir," the orderly agreed. "Do you want us to purge him, too?"

"Yes, good thinking. Be sure to tell the others to offer up any suggestions that cross their minds, we have to gather all the data we can before resorting to the Lobotomy." The burly orderlies dragged the screaming Snape out of the room as the Healer rubbed his hands together gleefully.

Eh, sir? Wasn't lobotomy put out of use some time ago? I could swear I read a chapter about it in your 'Modern Healing' and the article…" the Healer heard an female voice of an intern next to him.

"You still have a lot to learn, what was your name again?"

"Lucy Brown, sir. But you wrote for 'Healing today that…'"

The healer sighed. "Miss Brown then. What are you doing here anyway? If there is one patient you shouldn't come within a mile to that was him. Whatever were you thinking?"

"But, sir, The Healing Journal says…"

"Listen, Miss Brown, there are a few things we need to establish first. Do you know how in the last few years the number of new healers has drastically decreased?"

The girl nodded "Yes, sir. I remember you complaining that the work is getting harder because of that and that there isn't much time left for any research to be done."

"You like quoting, don't you?" the girl blushed "Anyway, why do you think it is like that?"

"Uhm, because people don't pass their N.E.W.T.s properly?"

"Very good. By the way – Where did you go to school?"

Lucy blinked. "Beauxbatons, sir. Parents thought that it was a proper school for a young girl."

"There you have it. Strange how few people from Hogwarts we have here, isn't it?"

"Well, now that you mention it, sir…"

"And having gone to Hogwarts myself I have a strange feeling that I know exactly why that is…" at the look in his eyes Lucy took a little step backwards.

"I'll… I'll just see if healer Andrews doesn't need me, for anything, sir"

"You do that. I have some planning to do." If Lucy didn't know better she could swear she saw a somewhat sadistic smile appear on his face

IIIIIIIIII

"So what's the first costume, Luna?"

"Here, Hermione."

"Isn't this skirt rather short?" Hermione asked. "Looks more like a belt."

"The man at the shop assured me that it was highly fashionable… you're putting the shirt on wrong."

"The buttons go in the back?"

"That's right," Luna agreed. "Button me up please."

"Alright Luna, could you do me next?"

"Of course I will," Luna said with a grin. "Turn around."

"Watch your hands," Hermione squeaked.

"I just wanted to make sure it wasn't too tight in the chest," Luna defended herself.

"Eek."

"Or the hips… well, shall we go see what Harry thinks?"

"Luna, wait… damn," Hermione growled the last word as Luna pranced out of the room.

"Akk." she heard Harry choke.

"Why don't you have your pants on yet Harry?" Luna's voice drifted in. "Do you need my help?"

With a long-suffering sigh, Hermione walked into the other room to help her friend escape her other friend. "Luna, he doesn't need your help putting on a pair of pants."

"He doesn't?" Luna was on her knees in front of Harry.

"No, he doesn't," Hermione said firmly. "Now get up."

"Ok."

"Harry, put your pants on."

"They're too tight," Harry held the pants up to cover himself.

"They're supposed to be that tight," Luna said. "Where's your riding crop? You can't be a jockey without a riding crop."

"Where are your skirts?" Harry retorted. "Looks like all you've got is that small plaid belt."

"Next costume," Hermione said firmly.

"Ok," Luna agreed. "Come on, Hermione."

"I think I'll change out here with, Harry," Hermione said after a moment of thought.

"Here's the next box then," Luna said.

"It's empty," Harry said.

"She must have made a mistake," Hermione replied. "Unless… no, she wouldn't… never mind."

"What?"

"Don't worry about it," Hermione whispered. "Sounds like Luna is coming back."

"Yeah it… urk." Harry's eyes bulged as he took in Luna's… uh… suit.

"Why aren't you wearing your new costumes?" Luna asked with a pout.

"We couldn't find them," Hermione replied. "Why aren't you wearing anything?"

"I am wearing something Hermione," Luna said. "It's made out of a new fabric that can only be seen by people with good taste."

"Next costume," Hermione said firmly.

"But…"

"Next."

"Fine," Luna agreed with a defiant frown.

"Harry," Hermione said as Luna stormed into the next room.

"Yes, Hermione?"

"You were covering your eyes weren't you?"

"Sure," Harry agreed. "Let's go with that."

Luna gathered up the next costumes and checked her recording equipment. It was cute how innocent her friends were, they sent her out of the room but they didn't even think to check for the camera… ah well.

"Here you are, Hermione," Luna slipped the next costumes through the cracked door. "Don't let the door open too much."

"Why not?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"I wouldn't want Harry to get a peak at my body," Luna whispered. "It wouldn't' be proper."

"Riiiiight." Hermione took the costumes and handed one of them to Harry.

"What are they?"

"Looks like they're the armour that gets used by police Bomb Disposal Units," Hermione replied. "I'm not sure how she expects us to get into these. I've read that it takes… oh."

"Why aren't you wearing your costumes?" Luna asked as she waddled into the room.

"Couldn't figure out how to get into them," Hermione replied. "Why don't we look at the next costume?"

"I've only got one left," Luna said.

"Thank god."

"What?"

"Let's see it," Harry said.

"Ok," it's in the little box there."

"This can't be good," Hermione whispered in dread after Luna had left the room.

"There's only one left," Harry said. "What do you think it is?"

"Probably a Speedo," Hermione grumbled. "That or a thong."

"Well, …are you going to open it?"

"You first."

"It's just a lapel pin," Harry said in shock. "All that and it was just a lapel pin."

"Try it on," Hermione suggested.

"How do I look?" Harry asked with a grin.

"Like you're wearing a lapel pin," Hermione said. "What about me?"

"The same."

"I don't like this," Hermione muttered. "It's too easy… check it out."

"Not seeing anything much," Harry said slowly. "Small charm that will change it from saying 'Potter Wards' to 'Potter Security' probably for the muggle world and a sticking charm to keep it attached to your clothes."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

"How do I look?" Luna had slipped back into the room when the other two were talking.

"Naked," Harry's comment slipped out.

"Where are your clothes?" Hermione demanded.

"My clothes?" Luna looked puzzled. "Right here." She motioned towards the lapel pin on her chest. "Do you need to have your eyes checked Hermione? It's really best not to put these things off."

"You're supposed to wear it on top of your normal clothes Luna," Hermione said firmly.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one Hermione," Luna said after a moment of thought. "Your statement just doesn't pass the logic test."

"My statement doesn't pass the logic test?" Hermione asked in shock.

"I know," Luna agreed. "I've noticed that you don't tend to apply logic to your arguments but I didn't want to point it out."

"But… but…"

"We need to wear clothes to… uh…"

"Protect us from all sorts of things," Hermione offered.

"Yeah… like… uh… you know more about what kind of animals clothes would protect us from Luna."

"Can't think of anything off the top of my head," Luna said.

"We can put protection charms on clothing to protect us from spells," Hermione said in inspiration. "Wouldn't want to get hurt."

"Yeah, safety first."

"Safety first," Luna agreed. "I'll be right back." Luna walked into the other room with a grin, they'd checked the pins for charms so it was unlikely that they'd check them again. Just to be on the safe side, she decided to wait a week or two before putting in her… additions.

IIIIIIIIII

"Healer Andrews?"

"What can I do for you, Ms. Brown?" the elderly Healer asked kindly.

"I just had a few questions about the Snape case," the young intern said hesitantly.

"Ah yes, Snivellus." The Healer nodded. "Classic case of misplaced anger at his mother."

"I agree sir," the intern simpered. "But I was wondering at the treatments that they've been using… some of them were put out of use for being cruel and ineffective."

"And you're worried about possible conflicts with the Healers Oath," the old man said in understanding.

"Yes sir."

"I'm going to be assigning you a bit of Homework, Ms. Brown," the old man said. "I want you to spend a bit of time with the patients in the… East wing I think it is."

"The one for Hogwarts students and recent grads?"

"That's the one," the man agreed. "Be sure to ask them about their experiences with Mr. Snape and be sure to catalogue their responses before and after you tell them about the treatments we have him undergoing."

"Yes sir," the girl agreed doubtfully.

"See me after you've had enough interviews to get the idea and I'll explain the rest of it."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Marneus Calgar, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.

Andrew Joshua Talon

Omake 3:

Harry blinked at himself in the mirror. Hermione scowled at her own reflection. Luna beamed.

"Isn't this lovely? Now that there are two Foxes and two Hounds, we're sure to catch them in the act!"

Harry coughed when Hermione glared at his eyes wandering to her reflection.

"But Luna, these don't look anything like the Fox and Hound," Harry pointed out, his floppy cloth dog ears on his cap shaking slightly. The full-body dog costume that looked suspiciously like something from 101 Dalmations didn't help.

"No, they don't," Hermione said icily, her red fox ear headband going perfectly with her dark red lace nightie, crimson stockings and long, fingerless gloves. A felt fox tail waved over her shapely bum.

"Exactly! You can claim to really be the Fox and Hound because you look more like a fox and hound. We can sue the Fox and Hound for calling themselves 'Fox and Hound' but looking nothing like Fox and Hound. Really, who are they going to believe?"

"And you're dressed in a toga, blindfold, and sandals because...?" Hermione prompted.

Luna smiled happily and held up a pair of scales.

"I'm Justice! I'll be on your side!"

Luna turned and walked, apparently for the door... Running into the wall instead.

"Oof! Forgive me, sir. The Unnagalis should have steered me correctly. Bother, that."

Hermione and Harry stared at eachother.

"... On the plus side, you look smoking hot in that outfit, Hermione."

"Watch it, I can have you fixed."

Omake 4:

Snape's eyes widened as he stared in horror at the abomination that charms, human transmutation, and too much Japanese porn had wrought.

"Who... Who are you?" He gasped.

The monster paused, holding up a few tentacles around it's head.

"There are those who call me... Tim?"

Snape screamed.

Omake 5:

"Hermione, how exactly are we supposed to fight Fox and Hound with Luna, when WE'RE Fox and Hound?" Harry whispered urgently, as said blonde wandered about the apartment, still blindfolded, ordering the Unnagalis to do their damn jobs or prepare to be bashed.

"Simple. I learned a Japanese spell that should help," Hermione whispered back confidently. She pulled her wand out of her cleavage and waved it.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

POOF! POOF! POOF!

"Harry, look... Harry?" The Boy Who Lived shook his head and looked away from Hermione's bosom. He blinked and felt the rather bizarre urge to howl.

"Brilliant Hermione... This is the most brilliant spell EVER," Harry grinned, looking at the five additional Hermiones smiling at him slyly.