Disclaimer: Seventies era porn may make a good dark mark but . . . um . . . I forgot what I was going to say.

Bow Chika Wow Wow

"A wizard requests an audience with you, Master," Elizabeth said respectfully. Ever since the… incident with her Master's mother, Gretchen had made herself scarce and so most of the work was falling on Elizabeth.

"Send him in," Ron commanded.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me Dark Wizard Jeremy. I'm…"

"Colin Creevy?" Ron said in shock.

"You truly are the master of information," Colin said. He was impressed; this new dark lord was much better then the old one.

"What did you want?"

"If I may first be allowed to ask a couple questions?"

"Yes."

"What are your intentions towards the great Harry Potter?"

"You mean Harry 'I stomp dark lords for fun' Potter or Harry 'I work in a mill' Potter?"

"Uh… the first one."

"Good guy, I intend to send him a gift for his birthday… perhaps one of those books with the naked witches and the contortions," Ron mused.

"Oh," Colin said in relief. "In that case, my brother and I have a proposition for you."

"I don't do guys," Ron said quickly. "But if I did then I'm sure I'd find you attractive."

"Not that kind of proposition," Colin sighed. "We couldn't help but notice that you didn't have a dark mark."

"But I do," Ron said. "Elizabeth."

"Yes, Master," the girl agreed and Colin got an eyeful.

"Not… uh… nice… uh…"

"Thanks," Elizabeth said as she dropped her robe.

"I mean the type of dark mark you leave behind after your attacks," Colin said. "And I know that a dark lord as accomplished as yourself won't settle for the old throw up a floating copy of your other dark mark."

"Go on."

"May I demonstrate?"

"You may."

"Photolascivio," Colin incanted. The room darkened and a grainy monochromatic image of Dennis Creevy appeared.

"Testing one two three, testing." Dennis's image said.

"Impressive," Ron said. "But I'd rather my dark mark not be of your brother… too recognisable you understand."

"It can be of anything you wish it to be, Lord Jeremy," Colin explained. "That was just the first successful test."

"Elizabeth," Ron's voice hardened. "Write up a script and give it to Mr. Creevy."

"Yes, Master," the girl agreed.

"Mr. Creevy."

"Yes, Lord Jeremy?"

"Tell the girls outside to throw money at you or something," Ron said. "Take as much as you want."

"Thank you, Lord Jeremy," Colin said with a bow.

"Elizabeth will send you the script, contact me if there are any problems."

"I will, Lord Jeremy." Colin bowed once more and backed out of the room.

"I'll get to work on the script right away, Master," Elizabeth said.

"One thing before you do."

"What is it, Master?"

"Elizabeth," Ron began.

"Yes, Master?"

"Bring Gretchen to me, I think it's long past time for her punishment."

"What are you going to do, Master?" the girl asked nervously, Gretchen was her best friend.

"It's not what I'm going to do, it's what you're going to do."

"What am I going to do, Master?" Elizabeth squeaked. Master wouldn't make her kill her best friend… would he?

"You're going to lay her across my lap," Ron said with a sinister laugh.

"Yes?"

"And then you're going to spank her," Ron said. "Spank her like she's never been spanked before. Bwahahahahahaha."

"Good evil laugh, Master."

"Thank you, I've been practicing."

"It shows."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Bob!"

"Hi, Joe."

"What's the problem?"

"It's weird, you know? Ever since Snape and the tentacle monster were, uh, discovered together.…"

"Oh, please, don't remind me."

"Yeah, well, ever since, the monster hasn't been meeting my eyes."

"What?"

"I think it's ashamed."

"Can't blame the poor thing, you do crazy things when you're on the rebound."

"Squid still not returning its calls?"

"Yep."

IIIIIIIIII

"So did you do your homework, Ms. Brown?"

"Yes," Lucy said with a sick look. "And I can't believe what I've learned.

"So what have you learned?"

"That you're torturing him to make other patients feel better," Lucy growled in disgust.

"Not exactly," Healer Andrews said. "Mr. Snape is an unusual case in that he's too far gone for conventional treatments."

"I know that but…"

"So we're using experimental treatments and treatments that have fallen out of use," the old man interrupted. "What we have is a man who can't get worse no matter what we do to him. Do you understand now?"

"He can't get worse so… so we can test any treatment on him no matter how sadistic or crazy it is," the girl said slowly. "He's the perfect test subject. With luck we can use him to advance our craft."

"Very good, Ms. Brown," the elderly Healer said proudly. "The fact that we can use the description of his treatments to help some of our other patients is just an added bonus."

"I see… forgive me, Healer."

"We're all young at some point in our lives," Healer Andrews said kindly. "Just keep working as hard as you have been and I have no doubt that you'll have a good career."

IIIIIIIIII

"Ready for the next job?" Harry asked.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "I just… "

"Still processing the… costume party?"

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "I can't help but wonder if Luna isn't putting on an act… I mean, no one can be that crazy."

"It is Luna," Harry pointed out.

"I suppose you're right," Hermione agreed reluctantly. "But I still can't help but feel like I'm missing something."

"It'll come to you."

Far away, Luna made a note to herself to check her hidden cameras to make sure they were hidden as well as they could be.

"So where do you want to hit next?"

"I dunno," Harry said. "The Minister's office?"

"Fudge is annoying," Hermione mused. "Ok, when do you wanna do this?"

"Few hours after dark?" Harry suggested.

"Sounds good."

IIIIIIIIII

"Well?" Dennis demanded as his brother returned.

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy has agreed," Colin said with a grin. "And that he doesn't plan to harm Harry Potter… oh, and he also gave us some money."

"New cameras," Dennis cheered.

"Yeah," Colin agreed. "We just have to wait for his script."

"Script?"

"He's having one of his followers work on it," Colin said absently. "Damn."

"What is it?"

"Forgot to ask about the sound track," Colin said.

"I'm sure the follower that's working on the script will think of something."

"Can't take that chance," Colin said. "How about something like… bow bow chicka chicka?"

"Chicka pow bow wow?"

"Bow chicka bow wow?"

"Think you got it," Dennis cheered.

"We got it," Colin corrected him.

"I'll see if I can find someone to play the music," Dennis said. "You work on the spell, see if you can't get a clearer picture."

"Right."

IIIIIIIIII

"Twenty-five, Master," Gretchen squealed. "Twenty-six, Master."

"Hold up a moment, Elizabeth," Ron commanded. "Does it hurt?" he asked as he pulled his follower close.

"A little master," Gretchen admitted. "But it's a good kinda hurt."

"Elizabeth," Ron said. "You go work on the script."

"Can I put if off for a minute, Master?" The girl begged. "Helping you punish Gretchen has left me a little…"

"Fine."

IIIIIIIIII

"How much is that?" the orderly asked.

"Twenty gallons?" the other said uncertainly. "I don't know… think we should just start over from the beginning?"

"Just to be safe," the other agreed.

"God no," Snape screamed. "No more."

"Gag him," the Healer said calmly as he entered the room. "What seems to be the problem?'

"We lost count on how much yogurt we put in and so we thought it best to start over," the orderly replied.

"Sensible," the Healer commended them. "Just put it in until you can't put in any more. We have to get him ready for the operation."

"Going to perform the lobotomy, Healer?"

"Not at this time, this is merely an exploratory operation to determine wither there are any physiological reasons for his psychosis."

"Yes, Healer, do you want us to shave him?"

"Yes, shave him and dip him in alcohol to insure sterility."

"Yes, Healer."

"Make that iodine then alcohol," the Healer said after a moment of thought. "Safety first."

"Safety first," the orderlies echoed.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.