Disclaimer: Beer is a great thing, but I wouldn't make it the focus of my dark organization . . . or would I?

The Dating Game

"What is that smell!" Joe was making his normal rounds of the lower dungeon when he was accosted by a truly awful smell.

"Hi, Joe," Bob came by, carrying a bucket of grey-brown ooze. "You probably want to put on a bubble-head charm."

"What is that?" Joe asked, as he took his co-worker's suggestion.

"Pig by-products. The same by-products that turn the grass green."

"Why is it down here?" He had a bit of an idea, considering which door they came to. Bob opened it, and handed the bucket to a tentacle.

"What's this all about?" Joe asked.

"He wants to make a good impression."

"Huh?"

"Read this." Bob handed over a clipping.

"Lonely SS seeks single EH for serious relationship. Blackpit Moor. SS?"

"Single Shoggoth."

"EH?"

"Eldrich Horror."

"Where'd you get this?"

"Daily Prophet. The Personals page."

"So, he's testing the waters, huh."

"Yeah, I figure it will be good for him to meet new, er, people, things, whatever." He walked down the hall and came back carrying a rusty automobile fender. He opened the door and handed it over to the tentacle monster.

"Remember, don't push it. There's no guarantee that you'll be compatible. Just get to know each other and we'll see where it goes from there. The portkey is timed to bring you back tomorrow morning at eight. So enjoy yourself." There was a whoosh and the monster was away.

"Where's Blackpit Moor, anyway?"

"Near Little Hangleton."

IIIIIIIIII

"This sucks," one of the perspective dark wizards sulked. "Voldemort doesn't have any chicks and the Dark Wizard Jeremy has a lot of chicks, but none of them will leave him."

"Yeah man, total sausage fest."

"Why don't we start our own dark society?" Another suggested. "To get chicks?"

"What do we want to devote it to?"

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy devoted his to driving people insane, Voldemort devoted his to blood purity, why don't we devote ours to BEER."

"BEER," everyone shouted in agreement.

"Hold up guys, we need to study this issue."

"BOOO."

"We can't just go off half-cocked," he continued. "We need to look at other groups to find what works for them so we can avoid any mistakes they might have made."

"But all there is in the wizarding world is the Dark Lord Voldemort and the Dark Wizard Jeremy."

"What about the muggle world?"

IIIIIIIIII

"What now?" Peter demanded.

"Uh… some of the new men have redesigned the standard uniform," Macnair said sickly.

"So what?"

"So the new uniform consists of ass less chaps."

"I don't have time to deal with that sort of thing," Wormtail growled. "Take care of it yourself."

"You want me to go talk to them?" Macnair demanded. "Do you…"

"Either stop complaining or deal with it yourself," Peter snapped.

IIIIIIIIII

Harry and Hermione were awoken by a frantic pounding on their door. This time it was Harry who stumbled to the door and answered it.

"Yes?"

"Sorry to bother you so late Harry but I need to know if you've managed to take a look at the ward diagram?"

"A particularly slow chimp could have gotten through those wards," Harry said with a yawn. "I'm still trying to figure out who dropped the ball."

"At a guess, Fudge decided to cut a few corners."

"Could be," Harry agreed. "What's the problem?"

"We caught one of the inner circle today," Bones whispered. "I'd rather not give any names but I will say that it's someone we've wanted for quite some time. Would it be possible to come down and throw up a few quick wards?"

"Not if you want them to hold for more then fifty seconds," Harry sighed. "I'm fairly low on power at the moment."

"Had a contract earlier?"

"Working on the wards around the building," Harry replied. "If the time comes, I'm not going down without a fight."

"I understand, but I still have the problem of how to secure the high value targets."

"Transfigure them into bricks and wall them up," Harry said with a shrug. "Can I go to sleep now?"

"Of course," Amelia agreed. "Is Hermione sleeping too?"

"Yeah why?"

"Guess watching you put up wards was more tiring then one would think," Amelia said with a smirk. "Goodbye Harry."

"Goodbye Amelia," Harry replied as he closed the door. "Mmmm, sleep."

"Are you there, Lord Black?" Narcissa's voice emerged from the fireplace and dashed Harry's dreams of slumber.

"What now?" Harry growled. "And how did you get my floo connection?"

"I need to ask you another favour," Narcissa replied. "And I know a number of people in the Ministry."

"Make it quick."

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to make Draco the heir of the Black family," Narcissa said smoothly. "After all, you're already the head of one noble family."

"No," Harry said without hesitation. "Be happy I even let him back in the family after the way he's behaved over the years. Was there anything else you needed? Perhaps something I'd agree to this time?'

"I'd like your permission to remarry," Narcissa said with a faint blush. "And to take Draco with me into the new marriage."

"Isn't it a bit early to think of that?" Harry asked mildly. "You've only been away from Lucius for a short time."

"My match with Lucius was never about love," Narcissa replied. "It was always about binding the families together and… I did have someone I used to like but daddy would have never allowed it. I would like your permission to explore the possibility of rekindling my own flame."

Harry took a deep breath and looked at the woman for a few seconds before letting out his breath in a rush.

"Is this person someone that I'd approve of?" Harry asked. "Not a Death Eater or anything like that?"

"If he were then I'd have had no trouble getting daddy's approval," Narcissa said simply. "And yes, I believe you'd approve of him."

"Remind me to increase your allowance to allow you to buy some new robes for your dates."

"Thank you but if it's all the same, I already have more robes then I could possibly wear in three lives."

"Then what?"

"If you wouldn't mind putting aside a bit for a proper dowry?" Narcissa looked like a scared little girl as she spoke. "My… he doesn't have much in the way of material wealth and I'd like to continue living in the fashion of which I am accustom."

"Would you still like to marry him if I said no?"

"I have enough put away so that we wouldn't starve," Narcissa admitted.

"Then we shall se what the future holds," Harry said. "I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight, Narcissa."

"Goodnight… Harry."

IIIIIIIIII

Luna bit her tongue as she regarded this latest twist in the threads and while it wasn't something she would have anticipated, it was welcome. She giggled as she looked at the ways it could interact with the other strings of fate that she'd gathered to examine. This was going to be fun.

IIIIIIIIII

Narcissa turned away from the fireplace and examined her options. While she had hoped that Harry would allow her son to assume leadership of the family Black, she hadn't expected the boy to agree to it.

"Draco isn't going to like this one bit," she mused aloud. "But… he wouldn't have liked it anyway. Even if I had managed to convince Potter to give him the Black family. I can't live for Draco anymore, he's going to have to accept that I have a right to be happy."

Narcissa took several deep breaths. Who was she kidding? Draco would never accept that anyone's desires could supersede his own.

"He's going to have to learn," she assured herself. "I do deserve to be happy again. I do… and it's not like there is a glut of 'suitable' suitors. Severus is in the mental ward, most of the Purebloods are Death Eaters and the few that aren't, are married or Weasleys. Fudge could… no, just no. Which leaves… of course the fact that he's the only remotely acceptable man has nothing to do with the fact that…" Narcissa hugged herself and shivered.

"But what if he hates me?" Narcissa whispered. "What if… I cannot allow myself to be put off by 'what if's. I am a woman of the Black family, this uncertainty is beneath me."

IIIIIIIIII

"I got another script for you to try out with me, Master," Elizabeth said eagerly. "Here, you're the butcher."

"Ok," Ron agreed. "Someone order a foot long sausage?"

"I did."

"What are you planning to do with all that meat?"

"Why don't I show you," the girl suggested as she unhooked her bra.

"Before you do that," Ron began. "I have a quick question."

"What is it master?" The frustrated girl whined.

"Are any of your scripts longer then that?"

"Not many of them, Master."

"Carry on then."

IIIIIIIIII

It was dark as the group of Death Eaters met away from their headquarters. What they needed to discuss was for no one's ears but their own. No one came to the moor at night. The leader stepped forward.

"Gentlemen, we have a problem. Ever since that disastrous event in Romania we haven't been very useful to the Dark Lord. Physically, I think we've all recovered." He paused and looked around the group. Slowly, he got nods from everyone there. "But let's face it, emotionally, we're shot. We've lost confidence, and being less than 100 we've ended up on the receiving end of a lot of our Lord's Cruciatus curses. What we need a team building exercise. We need to go out, rape, pillage, and torture, and prove to ourselves that we have what it takes to be Death Eaters. Are you with me?"

"YES!"

"Are we Death Eaters!?"

"YES!"

"We are going to spread mayhem!?"

"YES!"

"We are going to show them that we are the baddest of the bad!?"

The mood, which had been getting more and more rowdy, now had everyone yelling and cheering. Now and then, among the general noise, could be heard someone shouting "Vivisection!" "Dismemberment!" "Torture!" "Screams!"

That last was strangely appropriate as suddenly the waters boiled and dozen of tentacles reached out, grabbing Death Eaters. Shortly there after, they started screaming in earnest.

Meanwhile, back at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Joe was leading Bob back to his office where a strange bird was waiting with a note tied to it's leg.

"An Augry? Who uses an Augry to send a note?" Bob asked, rhetorically. "Sure, they don't really signal someone's death, but they're still very depressing birds." He opened the note and cursed.

"What's the problem?"

"The shoggoth couldn't make it tonight. A banishment in the family; it had to leave suddenly. He'll think he was stood up!"

"What will he do?"

"Probably brood. Unless there's a lot of noise around. You know what noise does to him."

"Yes, but it's a moor. You're not going to get a raucous party in a moor. He'll be fine and in the morning we can arrange a rain check."

IIIIIIIIII

"You wished to speak with me, Mrs. Malfoy?"

"It's Ms. Black actually," Narcissa said absently. "But please, call me Cissy."

"Ms. Black?"

"Harry allowed me to leave Lucius and come back to the family," Narcissa explained.

"Why would he do that, Ms. Black?"

"Is calling me Cissy again too much to ask of you?" Narcissa said with a crocodile tear.

"It's been almost twenty years since we were on friendly terms," Remus said flatly. "But not so long that I've forgotten that you can cry on command."

"Yes well… how have you been?"

"I've got a bit more grey in my hair. Why did you call me, Narcissa?"

"I was hoping to rekindle an old friendship," Narcissa said stiffly. "Hoping that we could go back to the way things were."

"Why?"

"Because daddy isn't here to disapprove anymore," Narcissa replied. "And because I'm old enough to realise that friendship is more important then social position."

Remus looked at the woman for several slow seconds before a smile cracked his face.

"It's good to have you back, Cissy."

"It's good to be back, Remus."

"So tell me how you've been?" Remus asked with a smile. "What have you been up to since we stopped seeing each other?"

"Well…"

IIIIIIIIII

"Harry?" Hermione sounded sick.

"What is it Hermione?" Harry asked. "Are you feeling ok?"

"Take a look at today's paper," she sounded like she was about to vomit.

"Snape's in a nut house?" Harry asked brightly. "Well, it couldn't have happened to a better guy."

"Keep reading," Hermione urged.

"Blah blah blah, dragons? Tentacle monsters? Raw sewage? Unresolved feelings for… my father? Plot to… oh god."

"Well… we knew he saw you as a newer version of your father," Hermione offered weakly. "Just… didn't expect it to be like that."

"I'm gonna be sick," Harry said as he ran towards the bathroom. Hermione was quick to follow, someone needed to hold his head and she was the only one around.

IIIIIIIIII

"Is it true Poppy?" Minerva asked with a sad look on her face.

"Is what true?"

"The… the thing with Albus?"

"It's true," Poppy confirmed. "He… he said that it was done by a Ministry tentacle monster."

"A tentacle monster?"

"I think that it may be his excuse to deal with what's happened," Poppy explained. "If it was done by his good friend Severus, then it's a betrayal of trust."

"But no one can blame him if he was assaulted by a Ministry tentacle monster," Minerva sighed. "But why did it come from the Ministry?"

"It's just a theory mind you, I am not a specialist in mind healing."

"Go on Poppy."

"I think that he's rationalising what happened last year," she said slowly. "It's his way of explaining to himself about the treatment that he and Mr. Potter received at the hands of Ministry officials."

"That… makes a surprising amount of sense. Thank you Poppy, do what you can for him."

"He should be ready to go back to his office in a few days," the Healer gave her opinion. "Just make sure he has some sort of meaningless but important sounding task to keep himself occupied."

"I'll take care of it, thank you Poppy."

"Just doing my job Minerva."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.