Disclaimer: I can't stress enough how bad an idea it is to annoy a Metamorphmagus!

Oh . . . Fudge

"Well," Healer Andrews began. "At least he's no danger to anyone this way."

"Took me two days but I was finally able to find a way to mix all those potions together without killing him," Lucy said proudly.

"Where'd you get the idea for this treatment?"

"My sister married a muggle born," Lucy explained. "And he told me about the way muggles deal with people like him."

"Well?"

"They drug them to the gills," Lucy replied. "And keep them restrained."

"Well done, Ms. Brown, well done."

"Thank you, sir."

Snape heard none of this; with the amount of potion in his system it was a minor miracle that he could muster up enough will to drool on himself.

IIIIIIIIII

"Do you see what I see, Fox?"

"The box marked gold used to bribe me or the ledgers detailing every dirty trick Fudge has ever performed?"

"Uh… I was talking about the book shelf with the sign noting that it contained the Fudge family spells and another note asking us not to pay it any mind."

"Oh… well, let's get to looting then."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "This is even easier then the Malfoy job."

"I don't know about that," Hermione protested. "There aren't any signs pointing out what to steal here."

"True."

"Wow… check this out."

"My evil plan to discredit Harry Potter… by Cornelius Fudge?"

"Nice of him to sign it wasn't it?"

"This is too easy."

"Don't forget what we learned in first year."

"I know, I know. Wizards have no common sense."

IIIIIIIIII

"I think I know where we went wrong," Graabir said painfully.

"Well?"

"You remember the guy who… expressed his displeasure to me?"

"Yeah, what of him?"

"That was Peter North," Graabir groaned.

"The Dark Enforcer of the North?"

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy's chief assassin?"

"No wonder the Dark Wizard Jeremy just watched."

"We're lucky we got out of there with our lives."

"This calls for a 'we lived' party," M'balz said confidently. "Hous, you take your family and get us something to drink. Hard liquor I think."

"Right."

"The rest of us will find some place to have the party."

"And I'll go get some BEER."

"BEER."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello, I'm the Dark Bunny Gretchen."

"I'm To... er I mean I'm Honks, and this is my friend. He's interested in the dungeon."

"Oh, sure. Let me show it to you. Watch your step. Right in here. Rent is ten galleons a month. And over there is the access to the sewers."

"That's pretty inexpensive."

"It is a dank, cold dungeon. We don't have any use for it, so we decided if we can let it out we can turn it into a slight money maker."

"You don't use the dungeon?"

"No, not any more. We set up some of the rooms upstairs to look like dungeons. Much warmer and drier."

"So you keep the prisoners upstairs?"

"We don't take prisoners. What would we want prisoners for? Oh, some of the girls are sort of into that, but then some of the other girls are into playing prisoner, so it all works out."

"You don't take prisoners? Do you kill all your enemies?"

"We don't kill anyone. The Dark Lord Jeremy says 'Make Love not War.' And while it can get a little messy, especially if they bring whipped cream, it's much nicer than cleaning up after one of Jeremy's dark revels compared to Voldiwarts. All that blood and gore! And do any of the men ever offer to help clean up the bodies? Like heck they do! The Dark Lord Jeremy isn't above helping us find our clothes in the morning. He's so sweet."

"Yes, I can see that." Honks (who is really Tonks undercover) turned to the tentacle monster and said, "I'll let you get settled in here, and check back on you in a few days, OK? Here's the rent for this month. We'll see if he likes it."

"That will be fine."

"But you called the other Dark Lord by his name? I didn't think anyone but Potter and Dumbledore did that?"

"With two Dark Lords it got kind of confusing. And as we can't say He-Who-Has-No-Personal-Hygiene's real name, we came up with that one."

"Oh."

IIIIIIIIII

"So what is the Fudge family magic anyway?" Hermione asked.

"Sanitation and sewage treatment charms," Harry said oddly.

"What do you expect with a name like Fudge?"

"Guess you're right," Harry agreed. "What now?"

"I've already forwarded copies of Fudge's misdoings to a select list of people, and by select I mean most of the magical folk in the United Kingdom."

"When was the election again?"

"Not sure."

"What?" Harry asked in shock. "You don't know?"

"They've got some strange formula involving the phases of the moon, the height of high tide and the angle of the sun over Greenwich. I could figure it out but why should I bother? There'll be notices posted the week before."

"So we've got at least a week?"

"Unless a seagull landed on the Ministry in the last month," Hermione agreed.

"I don't want to know, do I?"

"I know I don't'."

IIIIIIIIII

"Neville."

"Yes, Gran?"

"I was talking to Polly today and she told me what you did to her grandson."

"Sorry, Gran."

"Don't be, she also told me what her grandson was trying to do to my pretty young source of great grandchildren."

"What was that?"

"I said she also mentioned what he was planning to do to Daphne. Really, stealing a girl's unmentionables."

"Oh."

"The point is that I'm proud of the way you looked after your girlfriend, good job, Neville."

"Thanks, Gran."

"Here, take this. It belonged to your father. I gave it to him when he was about your age."

"The Kinky Wizard's Guide to…"

"Why don't you read it later," she suggested with a smile.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hi Remus," Narcissa said with a blush. "I know I'm a bit early and now where we agreed to meet but…"

"Come in," Remus said quickly. "How'd you find out where I live?"

"I have several contacts in the Ministry," Narcissa replied. "So this is your place?"

"A bit small and rundown, but it's clean."

"Yes, it is," Narcissa agreed. "Have you had breakfast yet?"

"Not yet, why?"

"Because I thought I'd cook you something if you hadn't eaten yet," Narcissa said with a coy smile. "Have a seat and let me cook."

"You can cook?"

"And sew and do several other things that mummy thought a proper young lady should know how to do," Narcissa agreed. "Of course, she should never actually used those skills since using them would be an action below her station."

"Wait, your mother made you learn how to cook and sew and that sort of thing?"

"Yup."

"And then wouldn't let you actually use those skills?"

"Right."

"That doesn't make sense."

"That's mum," Narcissa giggled. "Bit odd but still better then daddy."

"What are you making?"

"Something that will give you lots of energy," Narcissa replied.

"Oh… thanks."

"Don't mention it," Narcissa said. "I just thought you might need lots of energy today."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey there," Fudge said with a sick grin. "How ya doin?"

"Uh… fine Minister," the Healer replied.

"Is that Snape fella doin good, too?"

"He's improving, Minister," the Healer ventured.

"Great, tie him up and have him delivered to my office. I'm in the mood for a bit of fun."

"Fun, Minister?"

"Like what he did to Dumbledore," Fudge explained. "Sounds like a bit of good ol' fashion fun."

"I… see, tell me Minister. Did you have a difficult childhood?"

"Nah, I had plenty of money. Used to have a part time job as a man whore to make ends meat… get it? Meat?"

"I get it, Minister," the Healer agreed. "Why don't you just step into this room over here."

"The one with the locks on the outside?"

"That's the one Minister," the man agreed.

"Maybe later," Fudge said. "Whooo pah."

"Did you just try to kick me in the groin Minister?"

"Can't catch me, I'm the Minister bwahaha." Fudge fled the Hospital and rounded a corner. As soon as he was out of sight of the mob of burley orderlies, the Minister's features twisted into Luna's. Throwing herself on the ground, Tonks did her best to choke out a couple of tears.

"Are you alright, did he hurt you?"

"Poor Minister Fudge looks like he has an infestation of… uh… groggywarts?"

"Groggywarts?"

"Makes him go a bit loony," Tonks said dreamily.

"Very good Ms. Lovegood isn't it?"

"Is it?"

"I think it is."

"If you say so," Tonks agreed slowly. "If you'll excuse me, I… uh…have to go attempt to seduce Harry and Hermione now."

"Have fun with that," the orderly said with an odd look on his face.

"I will," Tonks agreed as she wandered off in the general direction of Harry and Hermione's apartment.

"Hello," Luna said with a smile. "Did I play with a time turner today and forget to tell myself?"

"I… uh…"

"But that was a lovely idea," Luna mused. "Yes, let's do it. Would you like to attempt to seduce Harry or Hermione… or… or do you think we should just try to seduce both of them together?"

"I…"

"Am from the future?" Luna asked in delight. "Oh goody."

Tonks allowed her features to return to normal.

"I understand," Luna said with a nod. "In the future I learn to be a metamorphmagus then I go back in time and assume the fake identity of Nymphadora Tonks so that I can help myself seduce Harry and Hermione. Don't worry, my secrets are safe with me… unless. Maybe I can't be trusted?"

"Luna, that's not… I give up."

"Ok," Luna agreed. "So about seducing Harry and Hermione."

"Just let me borrow him every now and again after you work out an arrangement with Hermione," Tonks said in defeat.

"Alright, it's the least I can do for myself."

IIIIIIIIII

Voldemort was incensed.

"Wormtail!" he yelled.

"Yes, my lord?"

"This country isn't big enough for two Dark Lords. Send a group of my Death Eaters to kill this so called Dark Lord Jeremy!"

"Yes master. Tweeville!"

"Yeth?"

"Take a dozen Death Eaters and kill everyone at Dark Lord Jeremy's hide out. If you go through the sewers you can sneak in by way of the dungeons and catch them unawares. It should be simple."

"Thounds like fun. Larry! Larry! Get the boys into their new costumes. We're going on a raid! Did you add the sequins to the masks?"

None of the Death Eaters returned from the attack on the Dark Lord Jeremy.

"This is Max Stumberg with the Wizard Wireless News Network with a special bulletin, we will now turn to our roving reporter Ed Becerra."

"Thanks Max. The new Dark Organization, known only as the 'Dark Frat Boys,' have attacked Knockturn Alley, of all places!"

"Earlier today, one of the wizarding world's most productive distilleries was broken into, and several dozen kegs of Fire whiskey were stolen by the notorious Hous Bin Pharteen and a number of what appear to be members of his 'family'."

"An Auror on the scene reported that the Pharteen family moved skilfully and swiftly. As they escaped the Alley, several of them left skid marks."

"Be on the lookout! If you see them, call the nearest Auror, or Magical Law Enforcement. They are extremely dangerous, and have been known to use 'dirty bombs'."

"This has been Ed Becerra, reporting for the Wizarding Wireless News Network."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list.