Disclaimer: This story contains the reason Harry will go commando in a future fic, reader discretion is advised.

The Montrose Family Fortune

"Hello, how can I help you?" an official at the Control of Magical Creatures Department said in a tone that clearly suggested that he believed that whoever just entered the room is clearly below him

"Oh Good Afternoon. My name is Narcissa Black. I'm looking for Pseudolus DeSusurr."

At the name of the well-known pureblood family the man's head shot up and he smiled very insincere smile

"How can I help you, Miss Black?"

"Are you Pseudolus DeSusurr?"

"Yes, madam, I am. How can I be of assistance?"

"The same that was the initiator and executor of the decree concerning counsellors for werewolves? You know the one after which suicide rate among werewolves rose by fifty percent?"

"Well, as the matter of fact I might have had some part in that…"

"How interesting. It's good to see there are people so concerned in upholding standards in our society"

Narcissa smiled a pleasant smile. After all she wouldn't be a Black if didn't know how to control herself. Only those who can do that can control others after all.

"And you wouldn't be the same person that helped to formulate the decree against use of Unforgivables so that the definition of human being excludes anyone who does not maintain full human form at all times or can not revert into it within five seconds at their own power? I found the wording particularly skilful. It's amazing how easily you can exclude werewolves and all sentient magical creatures this way."

"Well, one does all possible to keep our society from being polluted. But how can I help you, madam?"

"Oh, I just thought I'd come by and Crucio you to insanity. I already made sure to put up a ward to ward for sound. Luckily I learned a really powerful soundproof ward just this morning so we won't disturb anybody's work." She was still smiling pleasantly

DeSusurr jumped to his feet

"You can't! There are Auror offices just a floo call away! You'll go straight to Azkaban!"

"Will I? Oh, that's right. I knew I forgot to mention something. I already checked the Animagus register and I know your name is not on it. So all I have to say is…Muto Oryx!" she pointed her wand at the man who promptly changed into a goat. "Now where was I? Oh, yes, you have five seconds to change back. Starting now." She made a show of looking at her watch "…two… one… Now I can finally start with the Crucio. You will note that I gave you a fair chance of changing back. It was recorded by the ward by the way. So I'm not doing anything remotely illegal. You've got to love the law."

A panicking goat was now backing towards the wall. Meanwhile Narcissa was casually playing with her wand and speaking.

"You'll have to excuse me if it will take me some time to torture you to insanity. My sister could do that within fifteen minutes but I'm afraid I'm nowhere that proficient with the spell. So I'll keep it for an hour, maybe hour and a half just to be sure. I hope it's all right with you?"

The floor next to the goat now required some serious cleaning. The goat froze as it realized it doesn't have anywhere to escape. Just then Narcissa took out an organizer (incidentally bound in animal skin) and started looking through it.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm afraid we'll have to reschedule. If it takes me more than an hour I'm going to be late for a meeting. How does tomorrow sound to you? After all it's not like all the decrees you helped create can be invalidated by then, right?" she smiled pleasantly "I'll see you tomorrow then."

She exited the room calmly. Half an hour later an employee of the department entered to see a shaking goat in place of his boss. After a few transmutation reversal spells were applied he was surprised to see his boss nearly jump to the fireplace and start making calls.

Two hours and a thousand old favours called later the dumbfounded employee realized that all discriminating decrees DeSusurr ever helped creating and some he didn't were no longer in power. Then his boss turned to him.

"And not a word about it to anyone, understood?" he said through gritted teeth. When the employee nodded the man sniffed the air. "And get someone to clean the office as soon as possible. I think I'll go home now early today."

That said DeSusurr walked out of the room leaving the dumbfounded employee behind him.

The young man stood there for a long moment before he finally scourgified the floor and went to call for someone to do the rest of the cleaning. And only to think his family told him the work at the ministry was boring.

IIIIIIIIII

Narcissa walked into the Leaky Cauldron and immediately spied the object of her search.

"There you are Nymphadora," Narcissa said with a smile. "I've been looking for you for ages."

"Aunt Narcissa," Tonks said coldly.

"Come with me," Narcissa commanded. "The two of us need to have a long talk about relationships. Your mother neglected to explain a few things, possibly because she had the luxury of being able to choose for herself."

"What are you talking about?" Tonks asked. "I don't have time for this, I'm leaving."

"You will change that tone and you will come with me right now," Narcissa said firmly. "Is that understood? You may be an Auror but you are still my niece and not too old to be put over my knee."

"What? Try it."

"Just come with me," Narcissa sighed. "Please."

"Fine," Tonks agreed. "What do you need?"

"As I said," Narcissa said as she led her niece to a table. "Your mother did not teach you about relationships. Specifically, about men."

"What about men?"

"I'm told that you were in a relationship with Remus Lupin?"

"Yeah, what if I was." Tonks challenged.

"Remus is a wonderful man but he has a little problem," Narcissa said with a smile. "One I'm hoping to correct."

"He's a werewolf, so what?"

"He's noble," Narcissa corrected. "Were you aware of that the Ministry provided consolers to werewolves to help them deal with the pain having their life changed so dramatically?"

"No I wasn't," Tonks replied. "Sounds like a good idea, what of it?"

"Suicides have gone up dramatically since the program was initiated," Narcissa explained. "They're the ones that have convinced Remus that he couldn't be in any sort of relationship. He's convinced that he would harm any woman he was involved with."

"I've gotta…"

"Do nothing," Narcissa interrupted. "I'm sorry Nymphadora but while you were gone, I moved in."

"What?"

"I did not know you were interested in him," Narcissa said with a shrug. "Just as you were unaware of my interest."

"But."

"One of his better features I agree," Narcissa said impishly. "He's too old for you anyway dear, find someone your own age."

"No one decent," Tonks muttered.

"Then you must allow me to help you," Narcissa said magnanimously. "We can even get you another werewolf if that's the way your taste runs."

"I don't have a werewolf fetish, Aunt Narcissa," Tonks said with a weak smile.

"Then what sort of fetishes do you have?" Narcissa demanded. "I'm going to have to know if I'm to arrange a proper match."

IIIIIIIIII

"Wake up," Hermione whispered. "I said wake up."

"This dream again?" Colin said with a lazy smile. "Why don't you take off your shirt babe so we can get down to business."

"Why don't you reconsider that statement before I decide to change my mind about the reason I'm here," Hermione said coldly. "From buying a dark mark to robbing you of everything you own."

"Wait… the Fox I presume," Colin corrected himself. "Is what I had intended to say before some sort of curse caused me to say something different."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"Hoping you would," Colin agreed. "So you want a dark mark huh?"

"Yep," Hermione agreed.

"What did you have in mind?" Colin asked. "How about a floating skull?"

"Like Voldemort has?"

"Yeah, except instead of a snake it'll have a giant vibrating…"

"I was thinking something along the lines of a quick red fox jumping over a lazy brown dog, a hound to be precise."

"We'll have something ready in a few days," Colin said with a yawn. "How should we contact you?"

"Just put it in your father's safe," Hermione said. "The one hidden in the secret room he constructed under the house."

"Huh?"

"With the secret entrance in the basement behind the bar," Hermione explained. "We'll leave your payment there."

"Uh… right. I'll see about putting it there, if it isn't there then I'll have it on my bedside table."

"Thanks," Hermione said.

Colin looked around his room and listened intently, it appeared that his visitor was gone. Well, he guessed he couldn't be surprised that his new job as a dark mark designer was bringing him into contact with lots of strange and horrifyingly dangerous people.

"How'd it go?" Harry asked after they'd met up at their rendezvous point.

"Success, you?"

"Got my underwear back," Harry said proudly. "Only… I really don't think I want it anymore."

"Burn it?"

"Burn it," Harry agreed firmly. After a quick thermite charm and a last salute, the Fox and the Hound faded back into the night.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hah," Tonks cheered. "Go Tim."

"Ain't fair," one of the other card players moaned. "He's got a poker face that we could only dream of."

"Don't be such a sore looser," Tonks laughed. "Anyone care for another game?" Upon seeing no takers, Tonks got up from the table. "Come on, Partner, guess we'll have to wait till next week to clean them out again."

IIIIIIIIII

"Colin."

"Dennis," Colin shouted. "You'll never guess what happened last night."

"I already know," Dennis said mournfully.

"So now all we gotta do is figure out how the mark is going to go together," Colin said with a nod.

"What mark?"

"The dark mark we're making for the Fox and the Hound of course."

"Oh… I guess that explains things."

"What is it?"

"Our… uh… special Harry Potter shrine is missing the… uh…"

"They're gone?" Colin asked in shock. "Guess she was mad after all."

"What happened?"

"Well… you have to understand that I thought it was all a dream," Colin tried to defend himself.

"Spit it out."

"I sort of… propositioned the Fox."

"Are you nuts?" Dennis screamed. "You know what the last Fox did to the last guy who propositioned her."

"And thus ended the once great Montrose family fortune," Colin said mournfully. "Guess we got off lucky huh?"

"Yeah, lucky we thought enough of Harry Potter to research his parents. You don't… you don't think it's a bit disloyal to work for his sworn enemies do you?"

"Nah, from what I've read the rivalry between the Potter family and the Fox and the Hound was usually fairly cordial. Except for Harry's mum and the Fox of course, they hated each other."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good morning Harry, Hermione." Luna's cheerful voice woke the two friends. "How are the two of you doing today?"

"What are you doing in our apartment?" Hermione groaned.

"Hmmm?" Luna pondered the question for a few seconds. "I'm going to have to get back to you on that one, Hermione. Why are any of us here? I agree, it's a rather deep philosophical question and you must agree that such things can't be worked out quickly."

"Ok then, how about telling me why you aren't wearing any clothes then?"

"Tan lines."

"Tan lines?"

"Yes, tan lines."

"Ok, why don't you explain things with a bit more detail?"

"I picked up a copy of teen witch the other day," Luna explained. "It was dreadfully boring, except the part on tanning charms. One never knows when one might get attacked by vampires."

"I don't… right, back to the tan lines."

"The article implied that they were a bad thing," Luna explained. "And mentioned that the best way to avoid getting them is to go nude."

"So…"

"I don't want my anti-vampire measures to be anything less then perfectly effective," Luna said slowly. "Here, Hermione, have a cup of tea. I hesitate to say this, but it doesn't seem that you're at one hundred percent this morning and you really need to wake up."

"Thanks, Luna."

"Why isn't Harry waking up?"

"He had a rather busy night," Hermione said with a yawn. "He'll be out for a while."

"Kinky sex?"

"No we were ro… I mean, yeah. Something like that."

"Can I join in?"

"No."

"Can I watch?"

"No."

"Can you watch while I take him?"

"No."

"Selfish."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, moshehim, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.

Andrew Joshua Talon

Omake 8:

Harry looked around carefully through his invisibility cloak. The meeting place Tonks had indicated in her note seemed like a fairly simple inn. No real wards to speak of aside from the standard Muggle deterrents...

With his broom he ascended to the window indicated in the note, and slipped inside. The window closed itself behind him, and he cursed as numerous trap wards activated.

'They look like...! Potter wards! How could I not detect them?!' He thought frantically.

He turned to look around the dark room, as the lights came on. And his jaw dropped.

"Harry, surely you didn't think all my visits were social, correct?" A very smug, very naked Tonks on the very comfortable looking bed purred. "Hermione helped me out."

"Her-She-You-" Harry felt like he had lost 50 IQ points as Tonks... Shifted.

"Well, considering how much you tire her out, she was more than happy for me to take a turn," Tonks explained, standing up and slinking towards him.

'Oh no... She thinks we're... And Hermione-!' After Tonks closed the gap between them, Harry found it increasingly difficult to think...

In the same inn, Hermione looked very cross with a very happy Luna.

"Don't worry Hermione, my future self will soon be done, and then we can ALL take turns! Oh, it'll be so much fun!"

Hermione would have retorted if not for the ball-gag Luna had fitted her with...