Disclaimer: If you ever become a Dark Lord, don't forget to give your full timers benefits. It's the right thing to do and it'll ensure their loyalty.

Dental Plan

"But seriously," Hermione said as she leaned back into her friend's arms, "where are we going to put all that loot?"

"It would get a bit cramped in here," Harry agreed. "I suppose we could get a warehouse or something."

"But then we wouldn't be able to have easy access to all those books," Hermione sighed. "So that plan's out."

"If you say so."

"What if we could expand the size of the apartment?"

"What if we get searched?"

"Well… how about if we were to… uh, put it in a closet but keep the closet the way it is?"

"Two things in the same space?" Harry asked. "Ward the door so that only certain people get the room with the contraband?"

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "Something like that."

"You know anything about how to do that?" Harry asked.

"I've got a few ideas," Hermione mused. "And I think I saw a book in our last shopping trip that could help."

"Really?"

"Yeah, could you go get it for me?"

"Why do I have to get it?"

"Because I'll be busy with my research," Hermione replied.

"I thought you needed the book?"

"Not need so much as want," Hermione replied. "It'll be much easier to figure this out if I had it with me."

"How interesting."

"Please?" She looked up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Harry."

"Damn it, that's not fair."

"Mum taught me," Hermione said smugly. "Here, let me write down the title."

"Yes, dear."

"And while you're there, you might as well pick up these books, too," she mused as she wrote down several more titles.

IIIIIIIIII

Elizabeth and Gretchen shared a worried look. They hated to do this; they really hated to question such a wonderful and powerful master. But events had forced their hand and they'd just have to accept whatever punishment he saw fit for their defiance.

"I'm sure he's just forgotten," Gretchen tried to reassure her friend.

"Forgotten what?" Ron asked as he eyed the two nervous girls.

"You… your responsibility to us as our Dark Master," Elizabeth seemed to shrink as she said the words.

"What is it?" Ron demanded.

"You haven't set up a dental plan master," Gretchen wailed.

"Dental plan?" Ron asked in shock. "Sure, whatever you girls want."

"Really, Master?" Elizabeth asked hopefully. "You're not angry we questioned your dark wisdom?"

"After that attack we just carried out?" Ron asked. "Nothing could anger me… well, nothing much anyway. So what kind of dental plan do Dark Wizards normally give their minions?"

"I think Voldewarts likes to have any bad teeth pulled out with a rusty pair of pliers doesn't he?" Gretchen asked.

"Then he'll give a tooth regrowing potion," Elizabeth agreed.

"That's…" Ron's eyes lit up. "Gretchen, I've got a friend I want you to speak with. Ask her what you need to set up a dental plan and then do it."

"Ok master," Gretchen agreed. "Who is he?"

"She," Ron said. "She's married to my best mate Harry and her parents are Dentists."

"I understand," Gretchen said. "Thank you, Master."

IIIIIIIIII

"This where it is?" the Auror asked cautiously, he and his team were the best the Ministry had. Accustomed as they were to facing the worst that the wizarding world had to offer, they had been assigned by order of the Minister to find and defeat the newest threat to their society… Ron Jeremy.

"Where his mark showed up," the other Auror agreed. "Sure was nice of him to send us the magical signature."

"Polite anyway." They froze as several pops announced the arrival of several more people. "Freeze, put your hands on you… Max?"

"Ed?" Max asked in shock. "What are you guys doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" Ed demanded.

"Mop up," Max replied. "Death Eaters did something to anger the Dark Wizard Jeremy."

"And the Fox and the Hound, not to mention future Minister Weasley," one of the other Aurors said in shock.

"What makes you say that?"

"Look at the dark marks," he replied.

IIIIIIIIII

"So I was thinking," Hermione began.

"Always a dangerous thing."

"Shut up," Hermione said absently. "Like I was saying, we need to plan out our next target."

"Hmmm, that gives me an idea."

"I can see the smoke coming out of your ears," Hermione say with false sympathy.

"Just to show that I'm the more mature person in this relationship," Harry said arrogantly. "I'm going to ignore that. Anyways, my idea was that there were all those shops outside just asking to be emptied. And to appease the lest morally ambiguous among us, there's always…"

"Knockturn," Hermione purred. "Ooooh, think of all the rare books we could fine."

"And acquire," Harry agreed. "Think of the size of the library we'll have after that."

"Kiss me now, Harry," Hermione demanded. "Oh god."

IIIIIIIIII

"So you able to take prisoners, then?" Amelia asked with a pleased smile.

"Yes, Madame Bones," Auror Max replied. "Mostly intact, too."

"Mostly?"

"Uh… mind taking this one Ed?"

"I'd rather not ol' buddy."

"I saved your life."

"Fine, but this makes us even."

"Just spit it out," Amelia growled.

"They were suffering from severe dehydration and friction burns," Ed said mechanically.

"Friction burns?"

"Don't forget that the Dark Wizard Jeremy was involved," Max said helpfully.

"What does that… you mean?"

"Yes, Madame Bones."

"Be sure the Healers at St. Mungo's are informed," Madame Bones said after a few moments of contemplation. "Specifically the ones dealing with the Snape case."

"Yes, Madame Bones."

IIIIIIIIII

"Excuse me," Gretchen called into the fireplace. "Is anyone there?"

"What can I do for you?" Hermione replied.

"I'm the Dark Bunny Gretchen," the girl introduced herself. "And I need your help."

"Oh?"

"Yup," Gretchen agreed. "Master told me to contact you about setting up a dental plan and he wants it to be better then the other guy's."

"Uh huh."

"He mentioned that your parents were dentists," Gretchen said slowly.

"You want an introduction?"

"Yes please," Gretchen said enthusiastically. "I don't think Master would be happy with me if I didn't get the best treatment for his minions too, so… could you mention that to them?"

"Are you planning to harm my parents in anyway?"

"We're not that sort of Dark Organization," Gretchen said primly. "And your parents are dentists, we'd have left them alone out of professional courtesy anyway."

"Professional courtesy?"

"Dentists are muggle torture experts aren't they?"

"Right, you have a phone?"

"Do I need one?" Gretchen asked with a puzzled look on her face. "Is it like in-sewer-ants?

"It's like a floo, a muggle way of communication."

"Oh… we don't have anything like that."

Hermione sighed, "Oh, how about you do this. I'm going to contact my parents and I'll try to get a meeting for you."

"Where do you want me to wait?"

"You're willing to go somewhere without any guarantee?"

"It's important to Master," Gretchen explained. "I think he's embarrassed that he forgot about setting up our benefits… and I've got a sore tooth."

"There is a small coffee shop about two blocks up from the Cauldron," Hermione said. "Take a left after you go out the front door, it has a green awning."

"Green awning, right."

"Were you planning to change?"

"To something other then my dark uniform?" Gretchen asked in horror.

"Never mind, just try to stay out of trouble. If my parents can't come, I'll try to get someone to look in on you later."

"Thank you very much," Gretchen squealed. "You've been a big help in the advancement of our dark plan."

"Just to satisfy my curiosity, what is your dark plan anyway?"

"I'm not sure," Gretchen confided in her newest friend. "I think it's to raise the population a bit, it's been dropping because of all these damned Dark Lords."

"Uh huh, well I have to go."

"Me, too," Gretchen agreed. "Thanks again."

"That was… different," Hermione said to herself. She moved away from the fireplace and dialled her parents. "Mum?"

"What is it, dear?" Her mother's voice replied.

"Feel up to meeting a very confused young woman about setting up a dental plan for her dark master?"

"I've got a few hours free," the woman replied. She was sure the whole thing had to be a joke.

"Great, her name is the Dark Bunny Gretchen." Hermione said. "And she's waiting for you in that coffee shop we always go to when we make a trip to Diagon."

"Dark Bunny?" She snickered. "What's she look like?"

"Blond… has a rather large pair of… uh, personal floatation devices. Wearing almost nothing."

"I'll be there in a few minutes," her mother agreed. "Was there anything else you needed?"

"Nothing I can think of," Hermione said nervously. "Well… nothing that can't wait until much later then now, bye mum." Hermione slammed the phone down and unplugged it. Her mother was starting to get suspicious, she couldn't be thinking… could she? Who told her?

A few miles away, Hermione's mother looked at her mobile and giggled. Her daughter didn't sound like she was in the family way, so what was it? Well, whatever it was sure to be amusing.

IIIIIIIIII

"Tell me, Snivvy, was their predilection for engaging in orgies one of the reasons you decided to join the Death Eaters?"

"What?" Snape asked in shock. "There were orgies?"

"I see, so was the fact that the others refused to allow you to participate one of the reasons you started abusing the Headmaster?"

"I never abused the Headmaster."

"I really thought that we'd moved past all this," the healer sighed. "So why didn't they allow you to join in? Was it because you were too ugly or because your tastes were too disgusting even for the other Death Eaters?"

"I am not ugly," Snape screamed.

"We both know that you're very ugly and there is no point in denying it," the healer said firmly but gently. "That sallow skin, greasy hair, and those malformed features are indeed very ugly. But that's not important, your ugliness isn't what we're talking about here. Your perverse sexual habits are, so tell me about your first victim. Was it a human or an animal… a chicken perhaps? You look like the kind of guy who likes chickens."

"DAMN YOU POTTER."

IIIIIIIIII

"Thank you all for coming," Fudge said to the crowd of reporters. "It is my pleasure to announce a great victory over the… dark… thingy."

"Which one?" One of the reporters interrupted. "The Dark Wizard Jeremy or what's his name?"

"The uh… second chap," Fudge said nervously. "As I was saying, this victory was only made possible by my leadership and vision. I think you'll all agree that this shows that the old axiom is true, you don't change horses in mid-stream."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"He's trying to take credit for the good work of Fred Weasley," one of the others cried. "It was Fred who, by sheer force of personality. Convinced the Dark Wizard Jeremy and the Fox and the Hound to participate in the attack."

"I heard Fred did most of the work himself," another added. "And that he only invited the others along to give them a chance to redeem themselves a bit."

"And that bastard Fudge is trying to sneak in and have sloppy seconds after Fred has gotten the job done."

"Three cheers for Fred, our next Minister."

"FRED! FRED! FRED!" Behind Fudge, one of the Aurors cast the triple W announcing to all that Fred had won another debate despite his absence.

IIIIIIIIII

"You must be the Dark Bunny Gretchen," Hermione's mother said as she took in the nearly naked young woman.

"And you must be Doctor Granger," Gretchen replied. "Can I order anything for you?"

"No thank you, and please call me Jill."

"Ok Doctor Jill."

"Just Jill," she said firmly.

"Then please call me Gretchen."

"My daughter tells me you want to set up a dental plan for your Dark Master?"

"Yes," Gretchen agreed. "Don't get me wrong, Master's a great master but he can be a bit absentminded and he forgot all about this. That's why he sent me to you, he told me that he wants only the best for his minions."

"Alright, what sort of thing do you need?"

"Um… the other guy has teeth pulled out with rusty pliers and then if you're lucky you get a potion to regrow the teeth. Pain Potions are strictly forbidden."

"How barbaric," Jill recoiled in horror. "You don't expect me to do anything like that do you?"

"Master said that we were to do whatever you suggested," Gretchen said with a shrug. "If that's the best care, then that's what Master wants us to get."

"Let me see your teeth," Jill demanded. "Hmmmm."

"What is it?"

"You're not keeping very good care of them, how often do you brush?"

"Brush?"

"I see," Jill muttered. "You say teeth can be regrown?"

"Yes."

"What about parts of teeth?"

"Like if one got broken?"

"Or if I drilled a hole in one,"

"I suppose," Gretchen said nervously. "Did I do something to make you angry?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because you're talking about drilling holes in my teeth," Gretchen explained. "Whatever it is I'm sorry."

"It's a way of treating cavities," Jill said absently. "How many minions are there?"

"I'm not sure," Gretchen said. "Master has ten girls in his personal harem, another thirty hard core followers, and I don't know how many part time minions… not to mention Tim."

"Tim?"

"The tentacle monster."

"Of course, the tentacle monster. How could I forget?"

"So?"

"I'm going to need you to set up an office space near your clubhouse," Jill said after a moment of though. "I'd use mine but I'm planning to mix a bit of magic with my normal treatments so it might be best if I keep my practices separate."

"You could have a room or two in our Dark Headquarters," Gretchen suggested. "Or we could buy you a building if you want."

"How about I give you a list of things," Jill said calmly. "At the top will be a meeting with one of your magical Doctors, one specializing in teeth if possible."

"I'm not sure we have those," Gretchen admitted.

"Just do your best."

"Ok."

"One more thing, I noticed that you were favouring one side of your mouth?"

"I have a sore tooth," Gretchen explained. "I think that might be why Master assigned me to this project."

"Which one?" Jill demanded. "Oh you poor thing." She dug around her purse for a few seconds. "Take this and put it on your tooth every hour or when it starts to hurt again."

"Thank you," Gretchen said. "What is it?"

"It's a gel with a mild pain killer and antiseptic," Jill replied. "Nothing special."

"Um… I think I understand."

"Good," Jill said firmly. "In the meantime, I want you to meet me here tomorrow at the same time we met today."

"I'm not sure I'll be able to have everything ready by then," Gretchen said nervously. "But I'll accept any punishment you care to give if that's your wish."

"You aren't being punished," Jill said quickly. "You're going to take me back to your Dark Headquarters and I am going to give a class on how to brush and floss. After that, we'll see what we can do about your tooth."

"I'll make sure everything is in readiness for your visit," Gretchen agreed.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.