Disclaimer: Try asking before you resort to kidnapping, it sometimes works.

Election Woes

"Hermione," her mother began sternly. "Have you been brushing your teeth while you are at school?"

"Yes, mum," Hermione agreed.

"What about Harry?" She did not want a possible son in law that didn't appreciate proper oral hygiene.

"Him too, mum," Hermione said. "I bullied him and Ron into developing a good habit in first year."

"Good."

"What brought this on?"

"I talked to Gretchen and she'd never heard of brushing," Jill explained. "And the poor girl had an abscessed tooth in her mouth."

"Oh."

"Didn't seem to think there were any magical dentists either," she said with a slightly accusing tone.

"I haven't gotten around to reading much about healing, mum," Hermione admitted. "And what I have read has mostly been about trauma and battlefield injuries."

"Alright then, but next time be sure to warn me about these things. I hate to think what your father will say when he learns how… primitive things are in the magical world."

"I know, Mum."

"Well… I won't keep you, good night, Hermione."

"Good night, mum."

"Don't forget to brush your teeth."

"I won't, mum."

"Be sure Harry brushes his, too."

"I will, mum."

"Goodbye."

"Bye, mum," Hermione said. Hanging up the phone, she unplugged it again. Why in the hell had she ever gotten this thing anyway? Oh… right, it was so she could keep in contact with her parents… she wouldn't make that mistake again.

IIIIIIIIII

"Healer Jameson?"

"Yes?" The man asked, he had just left St. Mungo's and was on his way home. He looked at the group of scantily clad girls. "Can I do something for you?"

"Do you know anything about tooth magic?"

"Tooth magic?"

"Magic to heal teeth," Elizabeth explained.

"As much as anyone else I guess," the man agreed.

"Seize him," Elizabeth ordered. The Dark Bunnies threw a sack over the Healer's head and cinched it tight. "Our master requires your presence."

"Mumph."

"That's something you don't see every day," Angelina said to herself as she watched a man get kidnapped by several attractive young women.

"Yeah… lucky bastard."

"What?"

"Well he is," Fred maintained. "Not as lucky as I am of course," Fred back-pedalled. "But it would be a good second place."

"So I'm just a prize to you?" She growled.

"First prize," Fred agreed.

She glared at him for several seconds before a smile bloomed on her face. "And don't you forget it."

IIIIIIIIII

"You have everything figured out?" Harry asked.

"Most of the charm work," Hermione agreed. "With any luck, a few minutes of casting will turn our broom closet into a multi room storage space complete with a well lit library."

"Great," Harry enthused. "Get to it then."

Hermione took a deep breath and began casting. "That's my part. Ward it."

"Right," Harry agreed. He cast a few wards and completed Hermione's plan. "Shall we check it out?"

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "Let's." The opened the broom closet and found themselves in a great expanse of nothingness. "Hmmm, what colour do you think we should paint it?"

"Can we paint it?"

"Who knows," Hermione replied. "But one thing's for sure."

"What's that?"

"You're going to need to put up some book shelves."

"I'm going to have to?"

"Uh huh," Hermione agreed.

"And what are you going to be doing while I do that?"

"Uh… give me a minute."

"Why don't we just take the bookshelves, too?" Harry suggested. "We can just empty the place and sort through it later."

"Ok," Hermione agreed. "Shall we change?"

"Why not."

IIIIIIIIII

"You sent for me, Master?" Wormtail simpered. While outwardly cowed, inwardly he was annoyed. He had paperwork to do damn it; he didn't have time for all this.

"I have a new plan to take over the world," Voldemort hissed. "Have everyone sign this petition."

"Petition master?" Peter fought the urge to sigh. More paperwork.

"Don't question me again," Voldemort growled. "Crucio."

IIIIIIIIII

"That's a nasty charm," Harry muttered.

"Which one?" Hermione asked.

"The one on the left… the purplish one."

"Ah, skin boiling?"

"Looks like it," Harry agreed. "Could you hand me the number three hook?"

"Here," Hermione said as she gave her friend his tool. "What are you doing?"

"Snapping the monitoring charm that alerts the owner if anything happens," Harry replied. "They did a fairly good job… for not being a Potter."

"Lots of traps," Hermione said. "But not so many wards."

"The wards that are here aren't anything I recognise though," Harry mused. "Might be a good idea to make a house call at some time in the future."

"I'll make a note of it."

"We're in," Harry said. "After you my lady."

"Thank you, good sir thief," Hermione replied. "So how are we going to get everything out?"

"Shrinking charm, packing charm, and a quick get away?"

"How long do you think it'll take for the Aurors to arrive?"

"In this neighbourhood?"

"Good point, I'll shrink you pack."

"On three."

"One."

"Two."

"Three," Harry said as the pair began casting charms. "Next room."

"Done," Hermione called out.

"Me too, next room." They raced through the shop grabbing everything and leaving nothing. "Time?"

"Four minutes," Hermione called out. "What's that?"

"Secret door," Harry replied. "It'll have to wait."

"Yeah," she agreed. "Let's go." They climbed out of the shop and took to the roofs just as the alarm began to sound. "Pity we couldn't have stayed longer," she sighed.

"We can finish up later," Harry assured his friend. "For now, let's just go home and get some rest."

"Something tells me we'll have a busy day tomorrow," Hermione agreed with a smile.

The pair of thieves made their way home and stowed their loot. "Ready for bed?" Harry asked.

"Are the Luna wards up?" Hermione replied.

"Won't let anyone in that isn't wearing clothing that covers up all the naughty bits," Harry agreed.

"Ok," Hermione said as she stole most of the covers. "Good night."

"Don't I get any of the covers?" Harry asked.

"Mmm no."

"Fine," Harry sighed. Taking a handful of the precious blankets, he pulled hard to steal back his fair share. "Good night."

Hermione woke early the next morning and sighed. "Luna, go get fully dressed!"

"But I am fully dressed, Hermione."

Hermione opened her eyes fully, and propped herself up on the bed and looked at Luna. Luna was, surprisingly enough, fully dressed. But a moment later she thought, "Turn all the way around slowly, please."

Luna cheerfully complied, and to Hermione's amazement was as clothed from the back as she was from the front. Perhaps it was this bizarre way to wake up that made Hermione lower her guard when Luna asked, "Can I ask you for a favour?"

"What is it?"

"Could you make sure the weather's lovely the day you propose to me?"

"I'm not going to propose to you."

"You really shouldn't try and restrict your future like that. It only makes you angrier when you turn out to be wrong."

"But I know I'm not going to marry you."

"You're not being logical, again."

"What do you mean?

"Well, if we do marry, you'll be proved wrong, and you can never be proved right because it might still happen in the future. It's Occam's Razor."

Hermione sat stunned for a bit before rallying, "It's more like Pascal's Wager."

"I don't know anyone named Pascal, are you sure?"

"Yes, it refers to the supposit... wait a minute, why are you asking me to make sure it's a nice day?"

"Because I want to treasure the memory of it, silly. I suppose if a suitably romantic setup came along, the weather would be less important, but still..."

"I mean why do you think I'm going to propose to you?"

"Don't be silly, it's obvious! Harry wouldn't propose or accept a proposal from me unless you approved, and you know I'm going to say yes, so you'll have to ask me. Mind you, you shouldn't know I'm going to say yes, so keep it to yourself; it'd make it less romantic otherwise. Of course, I'm not ready to get married now, I'm too young; but I'll be ready before you are ready to ask me, so it's practically the same thing."

With some relief, Hermione hoped to differ the rest of this conversation, "You're not ready to get married?"

"Heavens no, I'm only old enough for kinky sex right now."

Hermione decided that this would be a really good time to go and take her morning shower. Anything but continuing this conversation, which started well before her morning tea.

She quickly gathered up the clothes she was going to wear, rushed to the bathroom, locked the door, cast coloportus on it, then put up a locking ward. She adjusted the shower to the proper temperature, and removed her bedclothes.

Then she threw them back on, tore down the wards, finite'd the door, undid the lock, and charged back into the bedroom to see Luna peeking under the covers at Harry, "Luna, wait in the living-room for me to finish my shower, please."

"Oh, poo."

IIIIIIIIII

"You're sure?" Amelia demanded.

"Yes Madame Bones," the flunky agreed. "By law, there's nothing we can do about it."

"But he's a bloody criminal?"

"Unfortunately the law doesn't address that point," the flunky said weakly. "Only think we can do is hope he loses."

"I'm going out," Bones growled. "I'll be back later."

"Yes Madame Bones."

IIIIIIIIII

"Luna stop playing with your food," Hermione ordered.

"Why?" Luna looked up from the sculpture of Harry, Hermione, and herself in an unclothed and very pornographic pose that she'd been sculpting out of two scones and a scoop of scrambled eggs. "Did I make your breasts too large?"

"That's not… why did you choose to come over this morning Luna?"

"To have breakfast," Luna replied as she put the finishing touches on her masterpiece. "Oh, and to tell you something important that daddy learned this morning."

"What did your father find out Luna?" Harry asked.

"Well, he learned that…"

IIIIIIIIII

"That's the way it is then?" Fred asked. "You really can't do anything about it?"

"I don't make the law, Mr. Weasley, I just enforce it out. The fact remains that Lord Voldemort has acquired the necessary number of signatures and, baring unforeseen circumstances, will be on the ballet with you and Minister Fudge. It is just a courtesy that I am even telling you this."

"Thank you, Director Bones. I can't see anything good coming from this."

"Neither can I. We're checking the signatures, of course. Unfortunately, along with all the dead people who signed, there does seem to be a good number of living people who also signed. We're investigating how the petition was passed among the inmates of Azkaban, but that's my worry."

"We need to think about this. We'll get back to you."

After the director left the twins' shop, Angelina turned on Fred. "No way! Oh sure, it's all fun and games to run for Minister of Magic against a corrupt politician but this is completely different!"

George looked thoughtful, "Yes, it's all fun and games until someone gets AK-ed. You can't go head to head with You-No-Poo, Fred."

"I'm glad you're seeing reason," Katie added.

"Hey! We like pranks-"

"-but we don't want to end up dead-"

"-it makes it hard to keep the shop running."

"I'm glad you're showing some sense here, George," Katie said.

"You too, Fred," Angelina agreed. The ladies, satisfied for the moment, went back to the bookkeeping.

"So you really going to drop out of the race?"

"Not sure, depends on how things go."

"Angelina?"

"Yeah, and Katie. I don't mind the risk if it's just us -"

"- but it's different when you have to worry about someone else."

The twins cut their conversation when the door opened and smiled when they saw who their visitors were.

Fred smiled and said, "Welcome! What can we do for our silent partner?"

"And his lovely lady," George added giving a pleased smile when Hermione blushed at the compliment."

"How are things going with the shop?" Harry asked.

"We've branched into home security -"

George pulled out a box about the size of a jewellery box used to hold rings. "Acromantula in a box! Shrunk and in a suspended state. There are several ways to install it."

"Placed above a window with a trigger spell that will drop it on anyone opening the window from the outside..."

"Wait!" Harry halted the sales pitch.

Hermione spoke up, "Actually, we were wondering if you had heard Voldemort's campaign slogan?"

"No, we just heard that he was in the race a few minutes ago." Fred said.

"What's the slogan?" George asked.

Hermione answered, "Quote, You might as well vote for me because the other candidates will either drop out or be killed. Unquote."

Fred said, "Not very catchy."

George agreed, "But to the point."

Fred looked at Harry and Hermione, "I don't think I can stay in this race. If only there were some way to spoil his signatures..."

Harry suggested, "Or lose his paperwork?"

"That might do it. But it'll be in the Ministry office of public records. That place has got more anti-theft and anti-tampering wards than Hogwarts' has got ghosts. I think it has it's own set of ghosts, too."

"Well, don't do anything hasty," Harry said. "Let me see what I can find out."

After they left, Fred turned to George. "Think he can do anything?"

"I'm not sure, but did you notice the look in his eye when we mentioned the wards? I think we challenged him."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good afternoon Healer Jameson," Jill Granger said. "So good of you to agree to speak with me."

"Agree?" The man asked sullenly. "Is that what you call having your goons throw a sack over my head and keep me here until you arrived."

"Gretchen?" Jill turned to the girl with a frown.

"Elizabeth did it," Gretchen was quick to shift the blame to her friend.

"We're sorry," Elizabeth said quickly.

"There you see," Jill said with a satisfied smile. "They're sorry."

"Fine," the Healer sighed. "What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to find out what kind of Dental care is available in the magical world," Jill replied. "After that, we're going to take care of this poor girl's tooth. How's the gel working by the way?"

"It feels much better now," Gretchen chirped.

"Well, it'll feel even better after we get it fixed."

"Are you a healer then?" Jameson asked hopefully.

"A dentist… oral surgeon if you want to get technical."

"I see… always good to meet a colleague."

"That it is."

"Regarding your question, there isn't much in the way of magic specialising in teeth beyond a couple potions to regrow missing teeth and another potion to repair damaged teeth."

"Would you mind securing me some of each?" Jill asked. "I'm hoping to take care of Gretchen today."

"Of course," Healer Jameson replied quickly. "Had they told me what was required then I would not have been so reluctant to go with them."

"You hear that girls," Jill said sternly. "Next time, try asking before you resort to kidnapping."

"Ok," Elizabeth agreed. "We will."

"Good."

"I'll be back soon," Healer Jameson volunteered. "I just need to go pick up a few things."

"Do you need any help?" Jill asked. "I could send one of the girls along."

"Quite alright," Jameson said with a smile. "I don't need much and shrinking charms will allow me to get all of it myself."

"If you're sure then," Jill said. "While he's gone, we're going to have a little class on proper oral hygiene. I want everyone to take one of these packets containing a tooth brush, tooth paste, and dental floss."

Jameson watched the class for a few moments before taking his leave. He had entertained the notion of calling the Aurors down on all of them once free, but the muggle healer, the . . . dentist had changed all that. He now regarded the situation as a chance to learn more about his craft, perhaps even the chance to open a new branch of medical magic.

AN: Sorry it took so long to polish and put this up, been a bit busy. The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.

Omake by hattenjc

The Auror looked in shock how the dark mark did its usual porn movie commercial then switch in to a healthcare instruction. Showing them the best way to take care of your Teeth…

Tonks sighed. "Yesterday he had one taking care of your body keeping yourself strong and healthy by exercise... That was really good." She shivered as the Dark mark showed them how Teeth could be cured by drilling… Uh she'd rather be crucioed.