Disclaimer: Never vote for the lesser evil.

Excalibolg is not in this Chapter

"Still not done with my shelves yet?" Hermione demanded.

"If you think you can do better, then you're welcome to try."

"What's in it for me?"

"I'll take you book shopping again," Harry said with a grin. "Let you buy the bloody place out, too." Even if she pulled it off, it'd be worth it to see her struggle for a little while.

"Really?" She asked in excitement. "Do you mean it?"

"Of course I do," Harry said. "Not like it would cost me much, you've already got half the books the bloody store sells."

"Congrego," Hermione incanted. Harry watched in shock as the shelves assembled themselves.

"How?"

"I read the directions," Hermione explained. "Oh, and I made you some tea."

"Thanks."

"We can go get my new books when you're done drinking it," she said firmly.

"Whatever you say dear."

IIIIIIIIII

In the throne room of the Dark Lord Jeremy, the prospective Minister of Magic faced the Smiley-masked master of chaos.

"So, Fre… I mean Candidate Weasley. Why do you want me to run?"

"It seems that You-Know-Who put his hat in the ring, and we modified the form the same way he did. So, there will be two elections this time."

"And this is legal? Crossing out "Minister for Magic" and writing in "Dark Lord" makes this…?"

"Yes, an election to see who is the official, duly-elected Dark Lord. You can't let He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named run unopposed."

"Very well. Gretchen? Ask the girls to sign this if they want."

"Will you reward us if we sign?" she asked, excitedly.

"Yes," Ron answered, tiredly.

"WEEEEE!" the Dark Bunny ran out of the room.

IIIIIIIIII

"So how's the mosquito treatment working out?"

"Just starting, Healer Brown," Healer smith replied. Snape was locked in an airtight room wearing nothing but a straight jacket.

"How many did they decide to use?"

"I'm not sure." A panel in the wall opened and the room was flooded with the little bloodsuckers. "Quite a few I'd say."

"Must be millions of them," Healer Brown said in shock.

"Not that many I'm sure," Healer Smith chuckled. "But enough. Good thing they took the time to put a silencing charm on the room, I hate to think of the kinds of things he's yelling at us."

"Perhaps some day he'll realise that all this was done for his own good."

"Perhaps…"

Snape was screaming insults and thrashing around, the mosquitoes blanketed his body and there was hardly a patch of skin that didn't have one feeding. Behind each one, a queue had formed made up of hundreds of mosquitoes each waiting their turn to drink the greasy man's blood.

"… in time."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello, Gretchen. What's that?"

"Hi, Luanne. It's a form like the one master asked us to sign. But it doesn't say anything about Dark Lords."

"Then what good is it?"

"It says "Minister". I suppose if someone wanted to run for minister they would get people to sign this."

"My daddy said that one of the requirements to be Minister is that it can't be human."

Gretchen nodded and said, "That would limit who could run, wouldn't it. It would explain Fudge, too. So what are we going to do with the form?"

"We could sign it. Maybe master would reward us again."

"But whose name do we put at the top? We can't put Master's. He's human. Very male human." They shared a smile.

"What about, Tim?"

"OK."

"Let's get the girls together," Luanne suggested. "Then we can all go down to the Ministry and get all the paperwork done at the same time."

"And then we come back-"

"-and Master rewards us all." With the promise of THAT spell, they had no problems in gathering up all the followers and sprinting to the Ministry. The slow were carried by their faster companions and the fast were spurred on by the thought of their reward.

The clerk at the Department of Records was more then a bit surprised to see a group of Dark Bunnies walk into his office, but in the tradition of his branch he did his best to hide it.

"And what can I do for you ladies?" the clerk asked.

"We'd like to drop off this stack of paperwork," Gretchen replied. "And we'd like the paperwork to run for Dark Lord."

"Certainly," the clerk agreed. "We just ran up a bunch of the forms to run for Dark Lord this morning. If I can just have you ladies sign your names, everything will be in order."

"This is a lot easier then the paperwork to become Minister," Gretchen remarked.

"Potential Ministers are less likely to come to your house and rip out your spleen," the clerk explained dryly.

IIIIIIIIII

Luna hummed to herself as she put up her new poster. It was a rather tastefully done shot of Hermione in the shower; her eyes closed as the stream of water hit her face.

"This must be some of my best work," Luna said to herself with a satisfied smile. "Almost as good as my picture of Hermione examining Harry's injured groin. I never get tired of looking at that."

Luna did a slow spin around her room. "It's so grand being in love."

IIIIIIIIII

"Wormtail! Have you told him yet?"

"I'm not going to tell him. You tell him."

"Let's get Mikey to tell him."

"Yes, Mikey likes being put under the Cruciatus. Weirdo."

Macnair and Pettigrew found Mikey relaxing on the rack. They let him out, and gave him his assignment.

Voldemort was in a slightly disagreeable mood. He was happy about the election plan. There was no way he was going to lose. But he wasn't sure about the current crop of Death Eaters. Since they had moved in, the place was kept very clean. Voldemort wanted to feed Nagini, but no matter how often he Accio'ed rats and mice, he didn't get any. Finally he had had to send the snake out to feed on it's own.

He was brooding about that when one of the new Death Eaters came in. Definitely something wrong with them. Especially this one, he was smiling. Why wasn't he cowering in fear?

"Yes? What is it?" the Dark Lord demanded.

"My Lord, I have come to tell you about the election."

"Have the other candidates dropped out of the race?"

"No master, even better. You're in a completely different race!"

"What?"

"Yes, when you crossed out 'Minister' as the position you were going for, and wrote in 'Dark Lord,' you ended up not being in the race for the position of Minister of Magic. You're currently the only candidate for position of official Dark Lord!"

"WHAT! Crucio!" He didn't remember crossing out 'Minister' and replacing it with 'Dark Lord.'

"Ow! Ow! Ow! It hurts so good!"

Voldemort gave up far sooner than he normally would have. It wasn't any fun if they liked it.

As he was wondering what to do next, another Death Eater came in.

"My Lord, I have some bad news."

"What is it now?" How had things gone so wrong?

"Today's Prophet has announced that there's another candidate for position of 'Dark Lord.' Ron Jeremy had entered the race."

"Crucio!"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! It hurts so good!"

IIIIIIIIII

"Healer Smith."

"Healer Brown. How's The Patient." The capital letters came through in his tone.

"No change for the better. But you have to expect that."

The other healer nodded. He glanced at the schedule on the wall of the Healer's Lounge. He wasn't scheduled to have a go at Snape for a few days. He sighed.

"Have you seen the paper?"

"You mean the new candidates on the ballot?"

"Yes. How are we supposed to pick? Are we expected to pick the lesser of two evils?"

"It always seems to come down to that, doesn't it? Don't you ever want to just vote for the greater of the evils?"

"Yes, but Snape isn't running."

The two Healers looked at each other in surprise, and smiled.

IIIIIIIIII

"Those ones, too," Hermione purred. Her hands rubbed together as she thought of the long hours of reading ahead of her. "Oooh, I've got to have everything on this shelf."

"Right away, Ms. Potter," the clerk agreed. Hermione didn't even notice what she'd been called as she stalked towards another shelf of helpless books that she had to have.

"So how much is this going to cost me?" Harry asked glumly. He'd learned something today, the next time he offered a bet to Hermione he was going to make damn sure to limit the cost of loosing.

"I've talked to the Goblins, it won't make too big a dent in the Potter account."

"Thanks.

"No thank you, because of your need to keep her happy. You've just tripled my profits for the year."

"Great," Harry said dully.

"Remember us, some girls like flowers. Yours likes books, don't waste money on a florist the next time you anger her."

"Didn't anger her, bet her she couldn't put up her new book shelves better then I could."

"She read the directions and you didn't?"

"Yeah," Harry sighed.

"I feel for you, Mate; that's the same thing that got my wife a dozen new shoes."

"How?" Harry demanded. "What's she going to do with more then two pairs?"

"You know, I asked that same exact question and you know what she told me?"

"What?"

"She just sniffed and said I'd never understand."

"Done here, Harry," Hermione said. She was red faced and panting. "Now all we have to do is get more shelves.

"Wait… why?"

"Because now I don't have anymore shelf space," Hermione explained slowly as if she were talking to a child. "Come on Harry."

"As you wish," he sighed. He was never going to ignore the directions ever again.

"Care for some spare change, mister?"

"What was that?" Harry asked. He noted with some concern that they'd been surrounded by a group of Dark Bunnies.

"I asked if you'd care for some spare change," Gretchen replied.

"Sure," Harry agreed. "Thanks."

"No problem sir," Gretchen said happily. "And remember, vote Jeremy for Dark Lord. You've seen the rest, vote for the best."

"The Dark Wizard Jeremy isn't planning to kill Harry Potter is he?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Of course not," Gretchen said quickly. "See?" She pointed to a pin on her bra stating 'not planning to kill Harry Potter.'

"Great," Harry said. "You've got my vote."

"Thanks," Gretchen said with a pleased grin. "I knew that would be a good slogan but the other girls didn't agree."

"Well, we like it." Hermione said firmly. "Have a good day."

"You too."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

"I saw the Tentacle monster the other day, you know the sixteen different absolute babes that are using him for sex?"

"Yeah." Frank slumped. I'm really worried about him, I just don't know what's going through his mind, dating sixteen different women at once, just for the sex."

"Yeah." The Auror frowned. "You've been working the Cells for at least twenty years, haven't you? I think you need to get out more, perhaps get a girlfriend of your own. Anyway, it turns out that he isn't just having sex with them; he's also living with them. I spoke with one of the girls and apparently, once he's cleaned off, he can make a fantastic eggs Benedict. He is not only capturing Death Eaters, but has sixteen live in lovers at his new place and everything."

Frank nodded and wiped a tear from his eye. "I know, he's all grown up and moved out of home. I'm so proud."

IIIIIIIIII

"So how'd the campaigning work out?" Ron asked.

"Terrible master," Elizabeth replied.

"Well?" Ron demanded.

"Only one person took any change," Gretchen said. "Though we did make almost ten thousand galleons."

"Wha… how?"

"Fifteen people dropped their wallets and ran off screaming," Gretchen said.

"And two others offered each of us a large sack-o-gold to go away," Elizabeth added.

"I think we can count this as a victory," Ron said after a few moments of thought. "We did make almost ten thousand galleons didn't we?"

"Yay master."

"Will you reward us now?" Gretchen asked hopefully.

"Sure," Ron agreed. "Come here girls."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Dean..." Neville said walking up to his dorm mate, somewhat curious as to why he wouldn't meet Neville's eyes.

"What can I do for you, Neville?" Dean asked quietly.

"Well I'm having a birthday party, and Gran was quit insistent that I invite you. Would you be able..." Neville trailed off as Dean screamed at the top of his lungs and ran off into the night. "That was different."

"Rude, too," Daphne said in annoyance. "You see, that's why I don't like Gryffs."

"We're not all like that," Neville protested.

"You just pretended to be a Gryff to fool everyone," Daphne said in what Neville termed her 'naughty' voice. "It's one of the things I love about you." She stepped in close and her hands disappeared under his robes.

"What about Harry?" Neville gasped, it was getting… hard to concentrate. "Or Hermione?"

"From what you tell me, Harry's the same as you." She said with a lazy grin, pleased at how she was affecting him. "And anyone with half a brain knows that the hat meant to put her in Ravenclaw and just won't admit that it made a mistake."

"Whatever you saaaay dear," Neville agreed. "Why don't we find someplace more private to discuss this further?"

"Ok," Daphne agreed. She'd have to make a note to herself to thank her mother for that method of winning an argument, she had yet to lose one since she'd started using it.

IIIIIIIIII

"We have to end this mockery of our electoral process," one of the representatives on the Wizengamot shouted. "Electing a Dark Lord, what's next… making Hogwarts conform to muggle standards of safety and teacher quality?"

"I still maintain that it's a good idea to make Hogwarts a better place to learn," Dumbledore said serenely.

"Yes… well," one of the other reps looked around for someone else to make a comment. "Very good Headmaster."

"Yes," another agreed to break the uncomfortable silence. "You've done it again."

"Thank you."

"Back to the subject at hand," Representative Chang said firmly. "The wizarding world has no place for elections for Dark Lords."

"There's no law against elections to become a Dark Lord," another offered.

"In my day, Dark Lords just happened. None of this fancy electing."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello, Neville. How are you dear?"

"Oh I'm alright, Gran, but I don't think Dean will be coming over for my birthday. I tried to invite him, and he ran off. His mum told me he's been acting a bit off lately and probably wouldn't be up to it," Neville answered.

"That's all right, dear, just invite your other dorm mates over, you should probably ask your dark master Jeremy if he and his followers would like to attend as well. Actually, you should invite all of your friends from school, especially the sweet young boys..." Neville's Gran trailed off dreamily.

"Ooookay, I'll just be going to my room now, Gran." Neville said backing out of the room carefully.

"Be sure to take Daphne with you."

"I will, Gran."

IIIIIIIIII

"Thank you for meeting with me, Ms. Black."

"Not at all," Narcissa agreed with a smile. "I am always happy to meet with a member of the legitimate press."

"My first question is about the relationship you've entered with a known werewolf."

"Remus is a darling man with one small flaw," Narcissa replied. "But that small flaw has its advantages."

"Oh?"

"His little… condition gives him a lot of stamina," she said in a low voice. "And it's also nice to have a man who appreciates me."

"Your ex-husband did not I take it?"

"No, Lucius never showed much interest in me," answered Narcissa.

"But you are damn hot!" was the baffled reply. "Forgive the outburst, Ms. Black."

"I'll take it as a compliment," Narcissa laughed. "But to answer your question, Lucius was always the type who'll kidnap a poor muggle kid or two, have his way with them, then Obliviate them and send them away. Or just kill them, if he thought he could get away with it".

"And you were ok with it?"

"No, but there wasn't much I could do, could I?"

"The authorities..."

"The ministry of Magic is run by Fudge, Lucius buttered him up with enough money to last him till kingdom come. Were I to complain, Lucius would pay Fudge to make the problem disappear, and probably myself along it. More likely then not, he'd give Fudge a boy or two as well. You saw how powerless the Aurors were after Lucius attempted to buy those young boys in Diagon."

"You don't think Mr. Malfoy and the minister were…"

"Oh, no," laughed Narcissa. "Lucius was always attracted to pretty things and Fudge is so repulsive. He gives our old school's name a whole new meaning. No, Lucius would have run to the other corner of the earth if that idea ever came up. No, he is a sucker for a pretty face."

"What if anything do you have to say about your ex-husband's relationship with Severus Snape?"

"Severus was never one to show affection for any, save my son." Narcissa replied. "I'm guessing that their common interests are what drew the two of them together."

"You don't think?"

"My son," Narcissa gasped, slouching in her chair a bit "I love him dearly, but he's never been that bright, I always wondered why his potions grade was so high, and Severus favoured him so highly when the rest of the Professors' spoke so poorly of him and his grades were mediocre to high average." Then Narcissa's face brightened "He did do better in Defence against the Dark Arts this year." then her face clouded over again "he said he was spending a lot of his free time doing special favours for that toad Umbridge. Oh my lord! I think I need to speak with my son!" Narcissa gasped springing from her chair.

"I just hope that nothing was ever done to the boy, I'll not write any of this in the paper out of respect for you and your son, madam."

"Thank you, though you may want to spend some time digging into what Umbridge got up to at Hogwarts last year." Narcissa called over her shoulder as she ran out.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.