Disclaimer: I'd advise you to learn how to cook, your diet will improve and it'll also be cheaper . . . failing that and if you're as lazy as I am, find a significant other (or others I suppose, I don't judge) that can cook.

Humbldings and Wuffels

"Master."

"What is it, Elizabeth?" Ron asked.

"Have you heard the horrible things that the Wizengamot has been saying about you?"

"No, I have not," Ron said.

"We can't let them get away with this," Gretchen said firmly. "Think of how it could hurt your bid to become Dark Lord if the people thought you were soft on being criticized."

"Very well," Ron agreed. "Get me a list of names."

"Yay, Master," the girls cheered.

"Will you reward us now, Master?" Gretchen begged. "Please master?"

"Sure," Ron agreed. "Who wants to eat my posing pouch?"

"Me."

"I do, I do."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good day, Madam Bones."

"Hello, Mr. Lovegood. I must warn you, I have no new information on any of the exotic magical creatures you have asked us about. I'm up to my neck in maintaining order while our world undergoes the triple threat of two Dark Lords and an election. So what can I do for the voice of the people today?"

"I was looking for some background information, mostly. You have a tentacle monster working for the DMLE?"

"That's right. He's been working here for years."

"And recently you assigned him to street duty?"

"And from the reports I've heard, crime is down during his watch, so I'd have to say he is carrying out his duty quite well. He's also been extremely successful in foiling several Dark attacks."

"Isn't there a morals clause in the employee handbook?"

"What are you implying, Mr. Lovegood?" The Director's voice, which had a warm tone that she always had while speaking about her underlings suddenly turned icy.

"Do you know that your Tentacle Monster is carrying on a relationship with sixteen girls? Doesn't this violate the morals clause of their employment contract? Wouldn't such a thing bar him from being an Auror?"

"I think if you check the clause, you'll see that it applies to human employees."

"What other non-humans are you employing here, Director?"

"We have a full kennel of bloodhounds, Mr. Lovegood. Do you think we have nothing better to do than enforce the morality clause on our four or sixteen legged, er ... whatever, employees?"

Lovegood was in his full "Confrontational Newsman" mode, now, and wasn't going to let up. "That may very well be true, director, but wouldn't such behaviour bar someone from running for Minister of Magic?"

"Considering the depths of corruption we are currently investigating in our current minister, a simple case of polygamy would almost be welcome."

"Thank you, Madam Bones."

"Not at all, Mr. Lovegood," she said coldly.

That out of the way, the man shifted from 'newsman' to 'father' in a flash. "I was hoping that you'd have a word with my daughter."

"About what?"

"Well… her mother died when she was rather young and… well… there are some things that a girl should learn from another woman… and… well… you know how it is… humbldings and wuffels?"

"I… see," Amelia said uncertainly. "I'll look into it."

"Thank you."

IIIIIIIIII

"Thank you, for taking time to see me, Mr. Weasley."

"Not at all, I'm always happy to talk to the press about my campaign, and Fudge's incompetence," Fred replied.

"Well I suppose this relates, though I was here to find out about Delores Umbridge at Hogwarts last year," the reporter replied.

Fred's countenance clouded over, he turned and yelled over his shoulder "George, Lee, get back here! Reporter wants to ask about her toadliness." George, Lee, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie came into the back room.

The reporter got a lot more than he bargained for with this interview, hell this story had it all, abuse of authority, invasion of privacy, and the torture of students when Lee mentioned his detention with Umbridge using the blood quill. Little did he know…

"So, Mr. Jordan, were any other students given detentions like this with her." the reporter asked, figuring to get a few other names to corroborate things.

"Well, I heard a couple of other kids talking, you'd probably do well to talk to the other students we mentioned," Lee concluded

Angelina chimed in "Of course her favourite target was Harry Potter, it seemed like his hand was gushing blood ever night, usually because he was in detention for 'lying' about You Know Who's return."

At this point a familiar voice yelled into the back "Oy, Fred, George, where are you lot?"

"I'll go get him," Fred said pointing to the reporter "You'll want to stay here." He then got up and walked to the front of the shop.

"Harry, Hermione, delightful to see you, how would you like to stick it to Fudge and Umbridge?" Fred said with a grin.

"Huh?" Harry replied with some eloquence.

"A reporter stopped by, turns out someone put him on the trail of what Umbridge got up to last year at the school." Fred explained.

Harry and Hermione both got a wicked gleam in their eyes and said, "Gladly." at the same time.

Walking into the back room, the reporter looked up and responded with the usual hysterics when confronted with the boy who lived.

"Just Harry, please," Harry said, cutting the reporter off, "and this is Hermione."

"Pleased to meet you both." the reporter replied.

"Now, I understand you had some questions to ask us about the last year, before we began, a few ground rules. Needless to say, we are a bit leery of the press after this last couple of years, so this conversation will be recorded. Any, shall we say, embellishments, and you will find yourself in a great deal of trouble. Are we clear on this?" Hermione started off.

"Perfectly, I understand your position, and I'm grateful that you're taking the time talk to me," the reporter replied.

This turned into a very long conversation recapping a lot of what was covered in Harry's interview with Rita last February, as well as some other significant details, such as a certain Dementor attack at Privet Drive, numerous detentions, attempts to dose Harry with Veritaserum, Umbridge's aborted attempt at a Cruciatus curse that culminated in the trip to the Forbidden Forest. Then things moved onto some background, including Fudge's conduct at Harry's trial for underage magic, Hagrid being carted off to Azkaban just so the ministry could be seen as doing something, and Fudge having Barty Crouch, Jr. kissed without even a trial, to cover things up, a lot of careful and quick thinking was put forth by Hermione and Harry to keep certain details secret, but they managed. Then it was time for the final bombshell, they proceeded to explain their third year, and how Fudge was willing to take the word of Snape over Harry regarding the events in the Shrieking Shack and Sirius's innocence.

The reporter then looked at his watch when the interview concluded and said "My lord look at the time! I've got to get back to the Prophet!" and ran out of WWW down the street to the papers offices.

Dashing up the stairs, the editor caught him. "Where the hell have you been? I sent you out to get a quote from Ms. Black about her ex-husband and you miss deadline on that simple assignment?"

The reporter rolled his eyes, shoved a sheet of parchment at the editor "Here's the quote, but it's not important, you'll never believe what I stumbled onto." and proceeded to explain his day to the editor.

The editor stood up. "Great Merlin's ghost, what a story. STOP THE PRESSES! Jimmy, get every reporter up here five minutes ago!"

The reporter's eyes widened. "Chief, this is my story."

The editor cut him off "Yes, it is, but you'll never get all of those students interviewed in time for tomorrow's edition. You'll had the lead on this but we are going to be working through the night to put this issue to bed."

IIIIIIIIII

"You wanted to speak with me, Madame Bones?" Luna asked with a vacant smile.

"Yes… well, your father asked me to explain a few facts of life to you and uh… I asked you here to explain them."

"Ok."

"Well… you're at an age when many things will seem strange and perhaps a bit embarrassing…"

"Like the wart on my toe that looks like Minister Fudge?" Luna said with an understanding nod. "I've been meaning to have it removed but I can never seem to find the time."

"Not exactly," Amelia said with a frozen smile. Why oh why hadn't she pawned this off onto someone else? Come to think of it… Tonks should be in the office about this time. She hit a button under her desk to summon the Auror.

"Then what?"

"Well… you're going through a lot of changes and you might be having some unfamiliar urges."

"Like… I'm afraid I don't know what you mean, Madame Bones."

"Uh…" Where in the hell was Tonks? "Have you started to notice boys lately? Or… or perhaps girls?"

"It would be rude not to take notice of people," Luna agreed.

"No, not like that. Like uh… like you want to kiss them and maybe more? Would you like me to explain that?"

"Are you trying to talk about sex?" Luna asked slowly.

"Yes," Amelia agreed. "Now you see…"

"But daddy already explained about sex," Luna interrupted. "He had pictures and diagrams and told me what mummy used to like."

"But he asked me to give you the talk."

"What talk was that?"

"Humbldings and wuffels?"

"But humbldings and wuffels don't have anything to do with sex," Luna said with an odd frown. "Well… I guess they could if you were into that sort of thing and while it might be fun to try, I'd…"

"Then what does humbldings and wuffels," Amelia asked through clenched teeth.

"Cooking," Luna said slowly. "Everyone knows that."

"Your father wanted me to give you a talk about cooking?"

"Uh huh."

"Why?"

"Because daddy can't cook," Luna explained. "Harry's doing all the cooking for us right now and I thought it would be nice to serve breakfast in bed."

"For Harry?"

"And Hermione, yes," Luna agreed. "I want this relationship to work."

"I see," Bones said. Her eyes were focused on a distant object that no one else could see and she had a blank expression on her face. "The important thing is that you don't let magic do all the work and it's not like a potion, you can't just follow the instructions."

"Don't follow instructions, right."

"You have to taste it as you make it and make adjustments as you go," Amelia giggled.

"You called, boss?" Tonks stuck her head in.

"Take Ms. Lovegood to the bookstore and get her a copy of the book De Re Coquinaria by Marcus Gavius Apicus. Be sure to get the most recent copy you can find."

"Yes, boss."

"Do you know how to cook, Tonks?"

"Not really, boss," she said. "I can make pancakes and that's about it."

"Then you two can learn together," Bones said with a vacant smile. "Take the rest of the day off."

"Thanks, boss."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good work everyone," the editor of the Prophet said with a pleased smile. "You've done more then anyone could have asked and I'm proud of you all. Thanks to your hard work, we've got what I would guess will go down in history as the best issue ever produced."

"Thanks, chief."

"I hate to ask it of you," the editor said. "But I'd like everyone to be up early tomorrow and ready to take down everyone's initial reaction to the news."

"Speaking for all of us," one of the reporters said. "We'll do it. This isn't a job to us, chief."

"It's a duty," the man agreed. "A duty to bring the light of truth to the Wizarding world."

"Good to have you with us, chief," another reporter said with a smile. "The last guy was easy going but…"

"But he was also an incompetent gossip hound and shill for Fudge."

"You said it better then I could have, chief."

"I have been in this business for a while," the editor said smugly.

"What ever happened to him anyway?"

"Think he got hired on at teen witch."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good morning, Hermione."

"Good morning, Luna," Hermione replied. "Are you dressed?"

"Sort of."

Hermione opened her eyes to look. "You're supposed to wear the apron over other clothes," she sighed.

"I am."

"Really?"

"Uh huh," Luna agreed. "I'm wearing shorts too… see?"

"Well… good job, I guess."

"Thank you Hermione," Luna said proudly. "Now, stay in bed and wake up Harry. I'll be right back."

"Ok, why?"

"I made you breakfast in bed," Luna said proudly. "Tonks taught me how to make pancakes."

"With strawberries?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Of course," Luna agreed. Daddy had always said that listening was the key to a successful relationship.

"Thanks, Luna."

"I also brought you the papers," Luna called over her shoulder. "Both the Quibbler and the rag."

"Uh… thanks." Hermione shook her friend awake and handed him the Quibbler. "I'll give you the Prophet when I'm done with it."

"Why don't I get the Prophet first?"

"First come, first serve," Hermione said smugly. "If you weren't so lazy, you could have had whichever paper you wanted."

"Fine." Harry opened the paper and froze. "Hermione."

"Yes Harry?"

"Is the headline in your paper as odd as the one in mine?"

"Fudge in bed with Paedophile's, the tawdry tale of ministry corruption!"

"Madam Bones welcomes the entrance of Polygamist As Minister for Magic. Then right below it, it says: Tentacle Monster successful Auror, but does that make for a good Minister of Magic?"

"What do you say we stay in today?"

"Took the words right out of my mouth."

"A day in is what we all need," Luna agreed. "I'll help you organise and catalogue your new books if you like Hermione."

"Thanks, Luna."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.