Disclaimer: Despite Luna's best efforts this story isn't H/Hr/L . . . yet.

Let's See You Dance Sucker

"Ahhhh, cobras." Snape screamed. "Get 'em off, get 'em off."

"Seems to be getting a response… good work Healer Brown."

"Thank you, Healer Smith," the girl said proudly.

"Wherever did you get the idea," he asked, "After seeing the ineffectiveness of the wasp treatment, the fire ant treatment, the cockroach treatment, and the leech treatment?"

"I figured that if invertebrates weren't working, why not try vertebrates."

"Excellent work then," he said proudly. "I think that this could be the basis for your first article in the Syringe."

"You really think so?"

"Maybe… what else were you planning to prescribe?"

"I was planning to give him plenty of calomel," the girl replied. "Followed by electro shocks, twenty gallons of yogurt, alternating showers of freezing and boiling water, followed by the potion treatment."

"Planning to keep him drugged to the gills again?"

"I think that going back and fourth between heavy stimulus and drugged stupor might be good for him."

"In that case…"

"Yes, healer?"

"We might try alternating the Contrecto charm with a sensory deprivation chamber."

"Isn't that the charm that enhances the senses?"

"Yes, he'll alternate between having his senses magnified by one hundred fold to… nothing and back. It'll be interesting to compare it to your research anyway."

IIIIIIIIII

"Well," Luna said with a satisfied smile. "That's that, all your books are catalogued and shelved."

"Oh, yes," Hermione screamed.

"Mumph." Luna's eyes closed in pleasure. "Mmmmm."

A few minutes later, Harry was surprised by the sight of a flustered Hermione and a Luna that looked dreamier than normal coming out of their library.

"It was just a heat of the moment thing," Hermione protested. "It won't happen again."

"Mmmm, did you say something, Hermione?"

"Got excited by cataloguing your books again?" Harry asked mildly.

"Shut up, Harry."

"Just mumph."

"What are you doing Luna?" Hermione growled.

"Just comparing," Luna replied.

"Comparing mumph?"

"I wanted to see if it was different with a boy," Luna explained. "And it was."

"So that was your first kiss?"

"Uh huh," Luna agreed. "And then my second and third. This has been a day of firsts for me, first kiss, first kiss with a girl, first kiss with a boy. It's so exciting, I wonder what kinds of firsts I'll have later."

"You're not having anymore firsts today, Luna."

"Not even one?"

"No."

"Awww."

IIIIIIIIII

"I'd just like to start this debate by emphasizing how much I respect my opponent," Fred began. "We may not always agree on the key issues, but nothing I have seen has done anything to detract from the respect I feel for… er… him I guess."

"Thank you Candidate Weasley," Fudge said. "I…"

"I was talking about the Tentacle Monster," Fred interrupted.

Tim signalled his appreciation and extended a tentacle to shake han… tent… uh… appendages.

"You I have nothing but contempt for," he said to Fudge. "Nothing personal, but I've never been all that fond of corrupts Quislings."

Tim signalled his agreement and the debate started in earnest.

IIIIIIIIII

The Dark Wizard Jeremy and his followers broke into the house two hours after all the lights had gone dark and stunned the inhabitants. It wasn't the first house they hit that night, nor would it be the last.

"Tie them up and put them on the couch in the front room," Ron ordered.

"Yes master," Gretchen agreed. She returned after it was done and informed her master.

"Wake them up."

"Who are you?" The father asked fearfully.

"I am the Dark Wizard Jeremy," Ron replied.

"No," he gasped.

"You defied my will and for that... You must pay." Ron said, forcing the father's eyes to meet his own.

"No please... I'll do anything just don't kill my family."

"Oh, we're not going to kill you. We're going to... DANCE!" Loud bass music filled the room and Ron took a seat on the couch between the cowering people. One of the girls began transfiguring large brass poles and a line of girls dressed in an assortment of outfits such as healer's robes, Hogwarts student's uniforms, and Auror uniforms came dancing in.

"Yeah," Ron cheered. "Shake it."

The stunned and confused couple watched in shock as one of the girls detached herself from the group to give the Dark Wizard a personal and thoroughly professional lap dance.

"Am I pleasing you, Master?" the lap dancer asked as she kissed him on the cheek.

"Quite a bit," Ron said with a smile. "To the kitchen table."

Out of the corner of their eyes, the couple could see the Dark Wizard Jeremy christening their table, stove, and counter over and over again. When one of the Dark Bunnies got tired, she'd change places with one of her fellows and the scene went on for what seemed forever.

The tempo changed and the girls formed a Congo line that passed their hosts on the way out the door. Following it up was the Dark Wizard Jeremy holding a pimp cane and a top hat doing jazz hands as he made his way out the door.

The couple enjoyed a brief moment of respite before the Dark Wizard Jeremy stuck his head back in. "And don't make us come back here!" Leaving his confused victims behind with one thought in their heads, what the HELL was that?

"Honey," the father began.

"Yes dear?"

"I think I'm going to withdraw my opposition to the Dark Lord election."

"Good idea… I think my bonds are starting to loosen."

"Mine, too."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good morning, Hermione."

Good morning, Luna," Hermione said with a yawn. "Nice outfit." Luna was dressed in a plaid skirt and a white, button-down blouse. "When did you start wearing glasses?"

"Don't you think I look like a Librarian?"

"A little," Hermione agreed. "About the glasses?"

"They've got a couple charms on them to help me catalogue books," Luna explained.

"Think you could get me a pair?"

"Sure."

"Thanks, Luna," Hermione said with a smile.

"Hermione, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Luna."

"When were you planning to enslave me in your kinky sex triangle?" Luna crawled up on the bed till she and Hermione were nose to nose.

"What?"

"It's just… Teen Witch says that you've enslaved Harry and me in a kinky sex triangle, and I was wondering when you'd get to the…"

"When did they say that?" Hermione demanded.

"Next issue." Luna cupped Hermione's cheek. "Be gentle, it's my first time."

"How do you know what's in the next issue?"

"Do you know how printing works in the magical world?" Luna asked in a husky voice.

"No."

"There are only two print shops for periodicals," Luna explained. "The Prophet has one and the Quibbler has the other. Daddy makes most of his money printing off a few master copies for the other assorted periodicals and they use duplication charms to make the copies they put on the news stand."

"So… give me a little space, Luna."

"Awww, good morning, Harry."

"Morning, Luna," Harry groaned.

"How long have you been awake?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Long enough… I'll be in the bathroom."

"Doing what?" Luna asked.

"Taking a shower," Harry said quickly.

"As I was saying, so your father doesn't make his living printing the Quibbler?"

"Not enough people are interested in learning the truth," Luna explained. "Daddy really doesn't make much from printing the Quibbler, he says that he mostly does it as a public service."

"Oh… so what did Teen Witch say about me again?"

"I brought you a copy," Luna said with a dreamy smile. "Here."

"Muggle Born Slut Seduces Harry Potter and Pureblood Luna Lovegood in Kinky Triangle of Sexual Slavery?" Hermione growled. "When's this going on the newsstands?"

"Tomorrow," Luna replied. "Why?"

"Because I have a feeling that this will never hit the stands," Hermione replied with an ominous laugh.

"I hate to disagree, but they'd just have daddy print up another copy."

"Could you get your father to refuse?"

"Maybe," Luna agreed looking very uncomfortable.

"What is it, Luna?"

"Daddy would lose the account if he did that," Luna explained. "And there's a good chance he'd lose the others, too."

"So there's nothing we can do?"

"Daddy would be happy to print up some more master copies," Luna said brightly. "That have been slightly modified of course."

"Of course."

"Then if someone were to replace the copies they already have in the Teen Witch office…"

"Thank you, Luna," Hermione said with a smirk. "Now why don't we work on that article?"

"What should we write?"

"How about we write about Voldemort's past?" Hermione suggested. "His real name, his background, that sort of thing?"

"Ok."

IIIIIIIIII

Elsewhere, one of the victims of what would later be called the night of Bunny Terror had just received a response to the report he'd sent to the media on the treatment he'd received at the hands of the Dark Wizard's followers.

Dear Daily Prophet,

I never thought it would happen to me, but I was visited by three of the followers of the Dark Lord Jeremy last night…

… and they gave me a chastising I'll never forget. Then they took all my clothes and lashed me to my front door! Well, everyone could clearly see my predicament…"

Sincerely

Kai Kane Chang

He glanced over the letter he'd sent once more, then eagerly turned to read the response.

Dear Mr. Chang,

Stop writing us, if you must continue with these stories then we suggest you send them to 'Naughty Witch Magazine.' We're told that they buy things like this.

-The Editors

Cho's father read the letter again. "But every word was true," he said to himself. "On the other hand, it does say here that they pay for that sort of thing at Naughty Witch…"

Dear Naughty Witch,

I never thought it would happen to me…

IIIIIIIIII

"And I'm finished," Hermione said with a satisfied smile. "Have a look."

"Hmmm." Luna shook her head. "We can't print this Hermione."

"Why not? It's all true."

"It may all be true, but you wrote like you were going to hand in an essay." The Journalist's daughter explained. "Give me a few minutes and I'll have everything rewritten."

"I… ok Luna thanks."

Luna took a quill and spent a few minutes rewriting Hermione's article. "Here you are, finished."

"Luna? What's this bit about Moaning Myrtle and cosmetic charms?"

"We have to speak to our audience, Hermione."

"And that audience is?"

"Young Witches filled with self doubt about their looks and how their peers see them. Cosmetic charms and fashion help are very important to them. Myrtle, poor soul, is the epitome of what they fear they are."

"I see. Is that why you rewrote my section to be a side bar?"

"Audience, Hermione. The girls won't be so interested in who he killed and when, as much as how handsome he was when he was in school, and how his dark rituals and rebirth have made him a hideous person who's too ugly for even Umbridge to go out with. I kept most of the information, just shortened it up a bit."

"But I worked so hard on that…"

"And we still have your copy right here," she held up the scroll, "and you can use it when you write your book The Definitive History of the Dark Lord."

"A book? ME?"

"Yes, you."

"Oh Luna," Hermione said joyfully as she pulled the other girl close.

"Mumph."

It was an odd scene that Harry walked in on; Hermione had just released Luna and was cheerfully babbling to herself about something.

"Luna?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Why is Hermione muttering something about a book?"

"But she's always muttering about one book or the other."

"Not like this."

"I'm sure she'll come out of it eventually. In the meantime…"

"No," Hermione said firmly. To Luna's extreme disappointment, she wasn't that far gone.

"Awwww."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos.