Disclaimer: Understanding of bad Latin isn't necessary for the enjoyment of this fic, it will let you understand a few bad jokes mostly pertaining to spells but not all of them. The last chapter had a goodly number of them. Oh, I loaded an incomplete chapter 43 for about five minutes, if you missed the conversation about Luna's book then check again.

It's the Final Countdown

Hermione woke up and was surprised to find that, for once, Luna wasn't sitting next to her side of the bed. With a sigh, she turned and found Luna sitting on Harry's side.

The tip of Luna's wand was up one of Harry's nostrils and the girl seemed to be peering intently up his nostril.

"Why do you have your wand up Harry's nose?" Hermione asked with a long-suffering sigh.

"Because it's too dark to see without a light spell, Hermione," Luna answered.

"Why are you looking up Harry's nose then?"

"The Quibbler is running a series of articles about proper nose care," Luna explained. "And I wanted to make sure that you and Harry don't have a Snozdoodle infestation."

"Take your wand out of Harry's nose," Hermione said firmly. "And don't think for a second that I'm letting you do that to me."

"I already got you earlier Hermione," Luna said absently. "All clear here."

"That's… good to hear," Hermione said with a fake smile. "Now, why don't you clean off your wand and wait for me to finish my shower in the other room."

"Ok."

Luna waited until she heard the water running before joining the other girl in the bathroom. Hermione stepped out of the shower and growled.

"What are you doing in here, Luna? I thought I said to wait in the other room."

"This is another room."

"That's not what I meant."

"It isn't?"

"Just wait outside," Hermione sighed.

"Ok," Luna chirped.

"Thanks Lu…" she froze. "Outside in the sitting room." She called after the retreating Luna.

"Oh poo."

IIIIIIIIII

"Wake up, Master," Elizabeth said softly.

"What is it?" Ron groaned.

"It's time for your morning exercise," she replied. "And then it's time for breakfast."

"Who's morning exercise?"

"Gretchen and myself," she said with a smile. "Ready master?"

"I love morning exercise," Ron said happily.

"We do, too, Master," the girls agreed as they crawled up the bed towards him.

IIIIIIIIII

"That was a good meal, Harry."

"I agree."

"Thank you Luna, Hermione."

"I'm going into the library," Hermione announced.

"Can I come, too?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Sure," she agreed. "Education is important."

"Uh huh."

The girls pulled down their chosen books and settled down for a long day of learning. Luna was engrossed in her book, who'd have thought there'd be a spell just for transfiguring dung beetles into blond headed gits? Maybe that was how the Malfoy family reproduced itself? Her musings cut off when a sound sounding very much like 'gerteek' came from Hermione's side of the table.

"Why are you so red, Hermione?"

"No reason," Hermione said quickly. There was no way in hell she was going to admit that she looked up the words in that damn book. "Well… actually, it's because…"

"Yes?"

"Do you know any good hair removal charms?" Hermione stuttered. "Good for… sensitive areas?"

"Like nose hair?"

"Among other places," Hermione mumbled.

"Ohh, it will be so much fun," Luna enthused. "We can have a shaving party."

"What?"

"I'll do your sensitive areas and you can do mine," Luna explained. "Now let's take our clothes off and…"

"I'll think about it," Hermione said firmly. But only after she checked those books they stole from the Malfoy family and checked the available books in Diagon Alley. "Why don't we go badger Harry into making us something to eat?"

"Ok." They walked out of the library and Hermione undid the top two buttons on her blouse.

"Harry, we're hungry," she moaned. "Please feed us."

"Uh huh," Luna agreed as she undid the last button on her blouse. "Please, we'd be ever so grateful."

"Luna put your blouse back on," Hermione said when she'd noticed the other girl's state of undress.

"But you started taking yours off first," Luna protested. "So I thought it was ok?"

"I…" Hermione's reply was cut off by a knock on the door.

"Why don't I get that?" Harry suggested, a bit disappointed that his entertainment was being interrupted.

"Only undo the top two," Hermione whispered fiercely. "It's not about showing everything, it's about giving a hint of skin. Mum says that his imagination will do the rest and… what am I saying?"

"Imagination, right." Luna agreed. "So you're saying I should…"

"Good afternoon Harry, Hermione, Ms. Lovegood." The woman's lips twitched as she watched the two girls argue. "I do hope that I'm not interrupting anything?"

"Not at all," Hermione said quickly. "We're always happy to have you here."

"Afternoon, Madame Bones."

"Amelia, please."

"Amelia then," Harry agreed. "What can we do for you? Has there been another break in?"

"No," Amelia replied. "They've finally decided when they're holding the election."

"When?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you with Ms. Lovegood in the room," Amelia said with a fake smile. "Fudge is abusing the secrecy oaths every Ministry employee has to swear and has classified the election date."

"Luna could you wait in our bedroom for a bit?" Hermione asked with a smile.

"Now you both have to promise me that you won't tell this to any reporters," Amelia began. "The only reason I can even mention this to you is due to your status as independent consultants." She did her best to ignore the still open door leading to the couple's bedroom, and the fact that Luna was writing down every word she said.

"We agree," Hermione said.

"You must also agree to have everyone else agree to those conditions," Amelia continued. "Sorry, but that's the way things are I'm afraid."

"Sure," Harry said. "Why not."

"The election will be in three days," Amelia said.

"What was that?" Luna asked.

"Three days," she said louder.

"Thank you."

"You can come back in now Luna," Hermione called the girl in. "Sorry, but I'm afraid that we can't tell you what we discussed."

"That's ok, Hermione," Luna said with a serene look on her face. "Will you make us lunch now Harry?" Luna said with a pout.

"Please?" Hermione agreed with puppy dog eyes.

"Care for something to eat, Madame Bones?" He sighed.

"Can you have it done soon?" Amelia asked hopefully. "I've only got forty-five minutes left in my lunch hour and I'd rather not extend it. Sets a bad example if the boss isn't willing to follow the rules."

"Sure," Harry agreed. "I know a few charms that will speed things up."

"Excellent. Thank you, Harry."

IIIIIIIIII

"Time for lunch, Master," Elizabeth said.

"Great," Ron replied. "Whose turn is it to be the plate today?"

"Gretchen's master," she said with a smile. "And it's my turn to be desert."

"What are we having then?"

"Chocolate sauce and whipped cream, with cherries on top."

"I love lunch," Ron said with a content smile.

"We do, too, Master."

IIIIIIIIII

"What do you wanna do tonight, Harry?" Hermione asked after Luna had drifted home to write the election story.

"Same thing we do every night, Hermione."

"Rob the wizarding world blind?" Hermione suggested.

"Yep," he agreed. "Thought we might drop by the polling station and unstuff the ballot box, too."

"That Fudge," Hermione said with a laugh. "What wacky thing will he do next?"

"Why are you talking that way?"

"Trying to set the mood."

"Ah."

"Can we drop by Borgin & Burkes again, too?" she asked hopefully. "There might be some interesting things under that secret door."

IIIIIIIIII

Ron was whistling a happy little tune as he walked through his Dark Lair. He had been going through the family spells and decided to make his own contribution. It hadn't been easy, but after two weeks of work, he had a new spell to add to the book, but first he really wanted to find one of his bunnies to test it on. Hermione would be so proud, not only had he invented a new spell, he even planned on properly testing it. Unfortunately for once he couldn't seem to find any of his girls.

Ah, there, bent over was one of the nicest behinds he had ever seen and in his position of Dark Lord he had seen plenty.

He took careful aim, whispered the incantation and watched happily as the target fell to the floor moaning and writhing in delight.

Ron was so happy with the success of his new spell that he didn't immediately recognize the face of the person on the floor but he was sure he hadn't seen her before, probably a new recruit.

Doctor Jill Granger had just finished with an exam of one of The Dark Lord Jeremy's Harem and was now trying to draw as much fresh air into her lungs as she could after the poor girls horrible breath. She was bent over with her hands on her knees when the intense waves of pleasure rolled over her and sent her to the floor.

Ron was going to be sick. This was bad… oh so bad… he was dead and not just dead dead, but painfully-tortured-to-death-for-weeks dead. The target of his new spell had finally regained control of herself and was now berating him about something called sexual harassment, hostile working conditions and boundaries. Oh Hermione was going to kill him for using one of the family spells on her mother.

Ron had a brilliant solution to his problem, "Can't we just go our separate ways and forget this ever happened?" He really couldn't believe he had checked out one of his friend's mum.

"We most certainly can not," Hermione's mum growled. "I demand an apology."

"You've got it," Ron agreed quickly. "I just have one question?"

"What is it?" she snapped.

"Why were you dressed in that uniform anyway?" Ron asked nervously, fearing the answer. "You aren't thinking of joining are you because if you are, no offence but…"

"I'm not planning on joining," she said quickly. "It's… well."

"Yes?"

"My husbands birthday is coming up and…"

"Got it," Ron said as he began backing out of the room.

"Before you go, you wouldn't mind doing something special for me would you?" Man, for a Dark Wizard of lust and perversion he sure was squeamish.

"What?" Ron's eyes were squeezed together.

"Could you cast one of those fertility spells on me?" She asked hopefully. "I was hoping to give my daughter a sibling or two."

"So long as we agree to never mention this ever again," Ron said firmly.

"Agreed."

"Facundia Inclino." With that, Ron wandered off muttering something about memory charms.

IIIIIIIIII

"Why don't you take this one?" Harry suggested.

"Really?"

"You know almost as much about it as I do," Harry assured her. "I've just got the edge on experience."

"Ok," she agreed. "Hmmm… hand me the number four… no five hook."

"Alright." He watched Hermione work on the wards for several seconds before she managed to get open.

"Got it," she said with a satisfied smile.

Harry opened the trapdoor and whistled in shock. "Wow," Harry muttered. "That sure is a lot of books."

"Oooooo," Hermione moaned. "Mmmm."

"Mumph." Harry's eyes widened in shock as his best friend did her best to clean his tonsils. "And those dark items," he added in a daze.

"Do you know what this is?" Hermione asked. Her eyes were half closed and she was giving Harry a rather predatory look.

"What?"

"A portable library," she replied. "And it looks like it's full."

"I… mumph."

She released him and darted to another corner of the room. "And here's another… oh and a trunk full of books."

"Mumph… not that I don't like the kisses," Harry said with a content smile. "But we still need to pack everything up."

"Be sure to check for more secret passages," Hermione requested. "I don't want to miss anything."

"Fine," Harry agreed. "Looks clean."

"Yeah," she agreed. "Pack up and go?"

"Lets."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, Brian Arcis, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes.