Disclaimer: Be sure to secure your evil plan in a secure place . . . like inside your skull.

Customs and Courtesy

"Mmm, not so rough Harry," Hermione muttered. "They're very sensitive you know."

"Sorry, Hermione," Luna replied. "How do you like this?"

"Mmmuch better," she purred. Her eyes shot open, wait a minute. "Luna?"

"Yes, Hermione?" Luna asked innocently.

"Stop groping me."

"Ok," Luna agreed.

"Where are your clothes?"

"In a pile at the foot of your bed," Luna replied. "Why?"

"Never mind," Hermione sighed. "Just get dressed and wait for me in the living room. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Wash your back?" Luna offered hopefully.

"I have a back brush."

"Wash your front then?"

"No."

"Oh poo."

Making a mental note to have Harry update the Naked Luna Wards, she got into the shower and let the hot water run down her body.

"What are you doing, Luna?" Harry asked.

"Looking through the keyhole," Luna replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," Harry said. "Wanna help me make breakfast?"

"Ok."

"You might want to put some clothes on first," Harry said conversationally. "There are some rather… sensitive areas that you don't want grease splatters."

"Do I have to?"

"No," Harry said. "I'm the last person that's going to make someone do something for their own good, but it is a strong suggestion."

"Ok Harry," Luna agreed as she bent over and reached for her skirt. "So what are we making?"

"Hmmm?" Harry's eyes jerked away from the rather tantalising sight. "Breakfast sausage and eggs, with muffins and jam."

"Oh goody, I like jam." She followed him into the kitchen and watched in fascination as he got things started.

"Could you hand me that cast iron pan, Luna?"

"Cast iron?"

"The big heavy black one," Harry said. "Yes, that's the one."

"Here you are Harry," Luna said. "What are you doing now?"

"Letting it heat up. So how do elections work, Luna?"

"Everyone who can legally use magic tells the polls their choice between midnight and noon tomorrow. Then everything gets counted and the winner is announced by six that evening… usually a lot earlier though," Luna explained. "What are you doing now?"

"Making patties out of the sausage," Harry replied. "Wanna help with this part?"

"Sure."

"Were you able to get the word out about the election?"

"Daddy printed a special edition of the Quibbler," Luna agreed. "Can I taste your sausage now Harry?"

"Sure," he agreed. "A good cook always checks the food." He cut off a small chunk for the girl. "Here."

"Thank you Harry. Mmmm, your meat is so flavourful."

"That's the spices," Harry said absently. "I worked out a deal with the butcher."

"Good morning Hermione," Luna said to the other girl. Hermione was wide-eyed and had only a towel wrapped around her body.

"What are you two doing?" She demanded.

"Cooking," Harry replied. "Why?"

"I… I just misunderstood something I heard," Hermione muttered. "Never mind."

"You should really take the time to savour Harry's sausage," Luna said innocently. "It's quite good."

"I'll keep that in mind, Luna."

"Good, because I can't wait to get it in my mouth."

"Glad you like it, Luna," Hermione said as she walked back into the bedroom to get dressed. She returned a few minutes later, fully dressed and ready to help out. "I'll set the table," she volunteered.

"Thanks, Hermione."

"Yes thank you Hermione," Luna agreed. "Don't forget what I said about Harry's meat."

"I won't, Luna."

"Would you like some fruit with your breakfast?"

"What kind of fruit?"

"I brought over some peaches," Luna said. "Would you like to taste my peaches, Hermione?"

"Maybe later."

IIIIIIIIII

"Morning, Gretchen."

"Master," the girl replied coldly.

"What is it?" Ron sighed.

"You shouldn't treat Doctor Granger like that," Gretchen said with her nose in the air. "It isn't proper." She and the rest had viewed Hermione's mother as something akin to a saint after the miracles that she'd performed on their teeth.

"I thought she was one of you," Ron tried to defend himself. "She was wearing the uniform and everything."

"Be that as it may, we're still angry about it."

"I'm not too happy about it myself," Ron agreed. "She's my best friend's mum… do you know how creepy that is? If Hermione finds out she'll kill me… Harry'll probably help, too, just to avoid getting cut off. Sad day when a bloke's best mate picks happy time over friendship."

"I'm so sorry, Master," Gretchen said sympathetically. "I didn't look at it from your point of view."

"Worst thing is that I can't find anyone willing to perform a memory charm," Ron continued. "I'm gonna live with what happened for the rest of my life."

IIIIIIIIII

"Harry…"

"What is it?"

"Well…"

"Yes?" Harry sighed. "Just spit it out."

"I talked to my mother earlier today," Hermione said nervously. "She wants us to go out to dinner with them. I'd also like to pick up Crookshanks, he must miss me terribly and I was hoping that since we've got an apartment now…"

"Sure," Harry agreed. "If you like."

"Thanks Harry," she said giving him a warm hug. "I don't know why I got so worked up about this."

"Don't worry about it," Harry said. "It happens to the best of us."

"With that out of the way, why don't we move onto more important things."

"Like what?"

"Like the election," Hermione replied. "Fudge is going to try something."

"You want to disrupt his plans?"

"I was hoping to," Hermione agreed. "Please?"

"I suppose we could consider it out civic duty," Harry said dryly. "So long as we get it done before the election."

"Why before the election?"

"Well, I'd rather not tamper with the election box after the election has started. I'd also like to take the opportunity to empty Fudge's accounts while we still have the chance."

"How do you plan to do that?"

"He's still the Minister for a few more hours," Harry said mysteriously.

IIIIIIIIII

"This just doesn't seem right sir," Percy protested.

"What would be right then?" Fudge challenged. "To turn power over to an irresponsible prankster in the middle of a war? How about a tentacle monster, would that be any better?"

"No but…"

"The thing you have to understand," Fudge interrupted. "Is that the public is stupid, they'll go rushing off without thinking and without considering the consequences, they're sheep… they can't think for themselves."

"I…"

"That's why they need leaders to do their thinking for them," Fudge continued. "That's why I did my best to conceal the return of 'you-know-who' after Potter reported that he was back, it was my responsibility to prevent a panic that could have hurt several people."

"Sir I…"

"Don't you understand, man?" Fudge demanded. "Without me, they're nothing. Without me to lead and protect them, 'you-know-who' will take the Ministry and kill hundreds of people, is that what you want?"

"No I…"

"Of course not," Fudge agreed. "That's why we have to do everything we can to insure that I am re-elected. It may be distasteful but sometimes you must do something distasteful if it is for the good of the people, the good of our people. So can I count on you? Will you do what's best for the people under our care?"

"Yes sir," Percy agreed. "I will do what's best for the people… no matter what the consequences might be."

"Good man," Fudge said proudly. "Here is a spare key to the ballot box, I need you to…"

IIIIIIIIII

Hermione took a deep breath as they walked up the street to her parent's house. "Remember the plan."

"If they try to give us any more advice, we jump through the nearest window and run as fast as we can," Harry pitched in. "Every man for himself and kicking you in the knee so you can't run as fast is perfectly ok. Remember that old adage; if you're being chased by a bear you don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster then your former friends."

"What… no, where'd you get that plan?"

"You left it on the bedside table," Harry said with a mellow smile. "You really need to learn to keep your evil plots in a secure place."

"Yes… well… I was referring to the plan where you help my mother in the kitchen while I tell my father what's happened between us."

"You mean how your poor research skills led to our accidental marriage?"

"Yes, Harry," she agreed through clenched teeth. "That's exactly what I mean."

"You better get to studying then," Harry mused. "We wouldn't want to accidentally propose to Luna or anything would we?"

"I don't think there's a chance of that happening, Harry," Hermione laughed. "Come on, no sense putting this off any longer."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Hermione whispered. She opened the door and walked in. "Mum, Dad, we're here."

"Welcome home, Hun," her mother said with a smile.

"Harry was hoping he could help you in the kitchen," Hermione said subtlety. "He does all the cooking and was hoping to pick up a few tips from you."

"That'll be fine, dear," she said with a knowing grin. "Coming Harry?"

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "See you soon, Hermione."

"Bye Harry."

"So you can cook then, Harry?" Hermione's mother asked.

"Yes ma'am," he agreed.

"Call me, Jill."

"Phil and Jill?"

"Phillip and Jillian," she said with a shrug. "It's only the diminutives that rhyme."

"Sorry."

"It starts to get old after you've heard it a few dozen times," she replied with a shrug. "So about your cooking?"

"I used to do it all for my relatives," Harry explained. "I'm also good at landscaping, can fix most of the minor issues that crop up around the house, and can change the oil on a car."

"They're lucky to have a nephew that likes to do so many things," she complimented him. Jill was impressed; her husband could barely burn toast and was useless around the house. Making a mental note to impress on her daughter the rarity of her find, she turned back to her pot.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Lucky."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hello Daddy," Hermione said sweetly. She walked up, sat herself in his lap and kissed him on the cheek.

"What is it, princess?" he asked wearily.

"Daddy, you know how some people legally marry so that foreigners can live in Great Britain, even though they don't behave in any other way like a married couple?"

"Yeeees?"

"Well, even though we're only dating, and are nowhere near ready to get married, we kind of, well, accidentally performed the wizarding world's equivalent of a common-law marriage by mistake."

"What?" Common-law spouses in his world revolved around long-time cohabitation, sex, and children. And they'd only been travelling together a few weeks.

"Legally, we're married, but otherwise we're just boyfriend and girlfriend." Hermione didn't think this would be a good point to mention they were partners in crime. "Oh, and we may be working together pooling our knowledge and resources in a business partnership." Hermione was thinking about the warding business, as this was a safe profession to tell her parents about. "That's actually what started this whole thing; the wizarding world has some very sexist rules that we didn't know about until it was too late. Only the goblins, and a few people in law enforcement know about our marriage."

"But what did you do that made you married in their eyes?"

Hermione blushed. "I read a book I probably shouldn't have."

"And reading this book means in their eyes you're married?"

When Hermione nodded, her father lost his composure, and for the first time in Hermione's memory, laughed so hard he couldn't speak coherently. Eventually he said, "What a dastardly trap! If there was a book that'd make you married, you were doomed since you entered Hogwarts."

"It's not that funny," she protested.

"The amazing thing about this is that you only got married once," he teased. "With all the books you read."

"Stop laughing," she demanded. "This is serious."

"Any way out of this then?"

"Maybe if it had been another family," Hermione replied. "Harry's family is rather… paranoid. The spells they have protecting their family spells are rather… uh, comprehensive."

"These spells are what makes you married?"

"These spells are what enforces the contract," Hermione corrected. "Custom is what got us married and we could have ignored that if it weren't for the spells."

"Can you take these spells off?"

"No," Hermione said firmly. "I can't."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, Brian Arcis, and everyone else on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes.