Crack. Pure, undisguised crack. Silliness. More crack. Random Monty Python references. Crack. I'm warning you.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away (though maybe not all that far, considering where the dear reader lives) there once was a fungal King, named Hiyoshi.

That King reigned long and prosper, ignored by his citizens and burning witches that were made of wood, though his history was bloody. Since before there had been a generous, beautiful Other King, named Buchou, or sometimes just Atobe-sama by his followers. The Other King was to name the fungal King as his successor. However, the very same had better, more sinister plans. With the magic of Gekokujou (a magic murmured to entrance its user so much that it would turn impossible not to use it over and over again) he overthrew the Other King's reign and banished him to the Very Edge of his Kingdom (which wasn't all that far away, since the Kingdom was only a small one).

Thus the fungal King took over reign before his time, and there was much rejoicing, with minstrels and all. Hiyoshi also found himself a beautiful wife named Oshitari. She was rumoured to be a genius by many, and indeed, it was only after the birth of their lovechild Gakuto that Hiyoshi found out his wife was actually a husband. Then again he should have figured that out earlier, because there were no females in his kingdom. Well. Maybe three or four. No one ever questioned how it had been possible for him to carry out the child either. He was a genius after all, and they were able to do all kinds of cool stuff.

There were also rumours of the Other King having found his true love in a pretty boy (since he preferred boys over men) named Ohtori and they were said to have born a beautiful daughter named Jiroh – not, it was a boy – in fact it was androgynous! Though, while no one was sure about the gender of this child, everyone agreed that he/she/it was very cute and pretty (though at times a little too sleepy).

So, upon his 16th birthday the Brave Sir Knight (who had defeated many and taunted more and taunted them a second time) Gakuto, who was rumoured to be almost as brave as King Hiyoshi, who was supposed to be almost as pretty as Princess Jiroh, who was apparently almost as uke-in-denial as Lord Taki and who was said to be almost as blunt as a peasant called Shishido…

-Intermission plays-
Please be patient while the narrator tries to catch her breath.

… was sent out on his quest to search for the Princess Jiroh, whom he was to marry, by order of his father, fungal King Hiyoshi, who was currently busy gekokujou-ing his wife's shoe-collection.

On his journey he encountered many dangers, shrubberies, Mysterious Monsters of Gyaaaaaaaah, a female and beach volleyball, complete with Iwashi Mizu ™. Of course he defeated them all thoroughly, by fair games of Tinnes, which could always solve any and all problems. It also enabled him to fly. Tinnes was a very popular sport in the Kingdom, which almost everyone (which means everyone except one of the four living girls) played. With Tinnes you could suddenly change your appearance, make Dinosaurs extinct (as one famous fable said), or, as stated previously, fly. In general one could say playing Tinnes gave you super-powers.

Meanwhile, on the Very Edge of the Kingdom…

… Atobe-sama's boytoy, Ohtori, was not amused. Not only had their lovechild surpassed him in cuteness, now the Other King had taken to pampering him/her/it into oblivion as well. So Ohtori decided (while smiling very sweetly and nice and overall being a very good wife) that Jiroh needed to be taken care of. He counseled with his magic mirror (because, you know, in every fairytale there needs to be a magic mirror somewhere), who bluntly told him Jiroh was much cuter and more loved than him, and he should just poison him/her/it or something (because poison is the only way evil mothers will ever get to kill their children with in fairytales).

Of course, the mirror was not really magic, it was just the peasant Shishido who had hidden behind it and wanted to play a prank on Ohtori for dumping him a couple of years ago. Oh well. It was a good prank, he thought, but he didn't quite want Jiroh to die. So he somehow manipulated Ohtori into thinking he had already poisoned the Princess, after he thoroughly knocked him/her/it out in a game of Tinnes. And since this is a fairytale it obviously worked and Jiroh's sleeping body was put into the highest tower of the castle (that's where royals put their dead/eternally sleeping/cursed after all), to be protected by Lord Taki the Ukeish.

As it so happens rumours of the Princess' sleep (because Princesses never just die) started to reach Gakuto's ear and made him groan. That was, after all, the only problem in the Kingdom that could not be solved with a round of Tinnes. Instead he had read somewhere that Sleeping Princesses could only be awakened by a kiss, which would be very bothersome. He was uke-in-denial after all, and uke's couldn't just go around and kiss people. They were kissed, after acting appropriately weepy. But then again his parents had sent him, and his parents both were a lot more seme than him, and he couldn't just disobey.

As he finally arrived at the castle the only obstacle in his way (since Ohtori was busy with the Other King for make-up sex) was Lord Taki. But since Gakuto was only almost as uke-in-denial as Lord Taki he was able to order him out of the way and ascend to where the Princess was sleeping. Seeing him/her/it he felt a slight tinge of jealousy, since he was only almost as pretty as her, but acted appropriately awed and love-struck, as a proper Sir Knight is supposed to when seeing a Sleeping Princess. And thus he gallantly leaned over him/her/it (trying not to bravely run away) and kissed him/her/it softly.

And blinked, as he received no reaction whatsoever. That was not fair! he had defeated a shrubbery, had played the Mysterious Monster of Gyaaaaaaaah, survived a female, taunted the opposing team when they lost in beach volleyball, drank Iwashi Mizu™, and now the stupid Princess refused to wake up, even when he pushed his uke-ness aside and kissed her. Not fair! Gakuto stomped his foot. Somewhere a fish hopped out of a lake and died. He thwacked the princess over his/her/its head. She rubbed her eyes. And then jumped him, like a true seme should.

And thus they all lived happily ever after

(Except for Shishido, who was still pining after Ohtori and only years after managed to convince the Other King that they should just try a Threesome.)