Disclaimer: Being able to speak to snakes is a very impressive linguistic feat, what did you think I meant?

Really Quite Cunning

"Hey Bob, open the window already."

"Just wait! You just can't open a window in the dungeon. Ah, here's the key. Who sends mail to the dungeon? All the prisoner's mail is routed to the receptionist, and they check it for contraband."

"That's no owl. It's an augry."

"Who sends mail by augry?"

"I think I've seen that bird before. Remember the date Tim had in the swamp?"

"Yes, and this is addressed to the 'tentacle monster in the dungeon.' We should get this to Tim."

IIIIIIIIII

Luna was waiting for Harry and Hermione when they tumbled through the floo back into their apartment.

"I'm gonna go start lunch," Harry offered. With any luck Luna saved some popcorn from this morning, Harry thought to himself as he walked into the kitchen. I've got a feeling that this is going to be more entertaining then usual.

"You wished to speak with me Hermione?" Luna asked happily. "Are you going to propose?"

"Yes and no Luna," Hermione replied. "You mentioned that your grandmother was Grindelwald's chief enforcer right?"

"Mmm hmmm?"

"Well . . . her maiden name wouldn't happen to have been . . . oh . . . I don't know, Teufelhex would it?"

"It just might have happened to have been that," Luna agreed. "Why?"

"And you're her heir right?"

"Yup," Luna said brightly. "And my cousin Gretchen after me."

"You said your grandparents had retired in Spain?"

"I may have."

"Did your grandparents retire in Spain?"

"Why yes they did Hermione, how did you know?"

"Lucky guess," Hermione said dryly.

"Really? Are you sure you're not a seer?"

"Who can be sure of anything in this world," Hermione said with a smirk. See how she handled that.

"I think I can," Luna said after a moment of thought. "Why do you ask?"

"Forget it," Hermione muttered absently.

"I won't," Luna said stubbornly. "I don't need Harry to rescue me this time, I'm far too cunning to let your evil plan succeed."

"Cunning?" Hermione asked despite herself. "Don't tell me you're a cunning . . ."

"Linguist," Luna finished innocently.

"You've been waiting a while to use that haven't you?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Luna replied.

"Of course you don't," Hermione agreed. "And Luna."

"Yes Hermione?"

"I think Harry's more cunning then you are," Hermione said with a wicked smile. "If you catch my drift."

"Really?"

"Truly."

"Hmmmm." Now she really couldn't wait for her turn. "How about you?"

"What?"

"How cunning are you?"

"I . . . I . . ."

"We'll just have to find out when it's my turn then," Luna continued. "Oh it will be ever so much fun."

"Back to the original subject," Hermione said firmly. "Could you give me your grandparents address?"

"I believe I . . ."

"And if so then give it to me," Hermione added.

". . . have it written down on this card," Luna finished. "Here you are Hermione."

"Thank you Luna."

"You're welcome Hermione."

IIIIIIIIII

"Excuse me," Healer Brown called out as she knocked on the door to the Dark Lord Jeremy's poorly concealed hideout . . . really, the large neon sign proclaiming that it wasn't a dark hideout was a bit much.

"Yes?" One of the Dark Bunnies peered out suspiciously. "What do you want?"

"I was hoping to get an audience with the Dark Lord Jeremy," Lucy replied.

"New recruit?"

"No I . . ."

"Then we're not a dark hideout . . . just look at the sign."

"I'm a Healer," Lucy sighed.

"Here to give us all a check up?"

"I could do that, but that's not why I'm here."

"Why are you here?"

"I was hoping to get his help to try an experimental treatment on a couple of my patients," Lucy replied.

"Which Patients?"

"The Longbottoms."

The first Dark Bunny was pulled away and another took her place. "Did you say the Longbottoms?"

"Yes I . . ."

"What are the chances of this treatment working?"

"No clue," Lucy sighed. "I'll be happy if it gives me enough data to work on something else . . . why?"

"Come in," Daphne said. "And you," she turned to the first Dark Bunny. "Not a word about this understand?"

"Uh huh."

"And tell Gretchen and Elizabeth that I want to meet with them."

"Ok."

IIIIIIIIII

"And that's why all dentists are evil," Luna finished her lecture. "You know, there are rumors that there is a Dark Lady of Dentistry loose in the world . . . they say her reach extends into the Ministry holding cells and that she arranged the severe torture of one of the inmates."

Luna, that is totally fallacious and you know it!" insisted Hermione.

Luna stared off slightly dreamily, "I can't wait much longer to be fellacious."

"'Fallacious' means false; telling lies."

"But I couldn't say anything, either true or false, if my mouth was full."

"I . . ."

"Speaking of a full mouth," Harry entered the conversation. "Were you planning to stay for lunch Luna?"

"Ok," Luna agreed. "Thank you Harry."

"Always happy to fill that mouth of yours," Harry laughed causing Hermione's eyes to bulge and Luna to giggle.

IIIIIIIIII

"So what can I do for you Healer Brown?" Ron asked.

"I was hoping that you could cast your . . . pleasure charms on a couple patients of mine."

"Which patients?"

"The Longbottoms."

Ron looked at the pleading eyes of his minions and sighed. "Gretchen, Elizabeth . . . oh hell, anyone that wants a chance to learn my family spells come over here right now. Afraid that you're going to have to learn them from the Dark Enforcer of the North, Kitty."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Daphne said smugly.

"Master," the girls cheered. "You mean it?"

"We can have a formal ceremony later," Ron said. "Healer Brown here needs someone to cast my family spells on a couple of her patients and I'll be damned if it's going to be me." And his life would be a living hell if he taught some of the girls the spells and neglected some of the others.

IIIIIIIIII

"Who's he?" Macnair asked dully.

"He's a muggle darling," the Death Eater replied. "Didn't you know?"

"What the hell is a muggle that's not screaming in pain doing here?" Macnair demanded.

"Oh he's been screaming," the Death Eater said with a smug grin. "Just not in pain . . . we met cause my sister married his brother."

"But . . . doesn't that sort of . . . miss the point?" He screamed. "We're here to destroy muggles and blood traitors not sleep with them."

"There wasn't any sleep involved," the muggle Death Eater said smugly. "Nope . . . no sleep at all."

"You can't do anything with him except torture him to death," Macnair growled.

"So he can't join then?"

"Arrrg." Macnair stormed off.

"Well if he can't join then we're going to start our own club," the Death Eater said thoughtfully. "Any objections . . . suggestions?"

"I never liked the name Death Eater," one of them mused. "I'd rather we call ourselves Dick . . ."

"Don't get ahead of yourself hon," the Death Eater giggled. "We'll vote on that all after we've got our new clubhouse."

"My sister is a Dark Bunny," one of the others offered. "I'm sure she'd put in a word with the Dark Lord Jeremy so we can meet with him."

"I'd love to meet the Dark Wizard Jeremy," his 'friend' drooled. "But I'm guessing that he isn't into the sort of . . . activities we are. Pity."

"Isn't it," the Death Eater agreed. "But I was thinking more along the lines of asking the Dark Wizard Jeremy to rent us one of his numerous Dark Properties."

"And I'll ask Harry Potter," the muggle Death Eater offered. "He must have a spare house or two that he's willing to rent out."

IIIIIIIIII

"It's working," Lucy said in excitement. "Frank . . . can you hear me?"

"Cn hrrr uuu."

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Lsrnge . . . Crcco."

"Yes . . . you've . . . you've been asleep for a very long time, years."

"How many?" Frank began to steady his voice.

"Over fifteen years," Lucy said sadly. "Your wife is already awake already, can you try to move your toes?""

"Who are they?" Frank croaked. He raised his hand and waved at the group of Dark Bunnies.

"They're minions of the current Dark Lord," Lucy explained. "And they were good enough to help me bring you and your wife back to your senses."

"Oh . . . well . . . I always knew we would win," Neville's father said slowly. "Hail current Dark Lord, my loyalty was never in doubt."

"Shut up Frank," Alice hissed. "We're Aurors."

"Uh . . . undercover as Aurors placed there by the current Dark Lord, long may he reign." Frank said quickly, hoping to buy enough time to escape.

"That never happened and you know it," Alice growled.

"Damn damn damn." They were going to die, they were going to die because his wife was so damn insistent on always telling the truth. No I won't pretend to be a hooker, she'd always say in the old days. It's not honorable and if I won't do it at work then I won't do it in the bedroom either. Why couldn't he have married a nice girl who could lie and deceive with a straight face. He glanced over at his wife. Ah right, because of her massive . . . reserves of magic.

"Could we have a few moments alone with them Healer Brown?" One of the Dark Bunnies asked.

"Of course," Lucy agreed. "I'll just be waiting outside."

"I'm the Dark Bunnie Greengrass," she began. "Though I usually use another stage name."

"Pleased to meet you," Frank giggled. "So . . . how were you planning to kill us?"

"Kill you?" Daphne frowned. "Why would I do that?"

"Because we represent a threat to your dark organization?" Frank ventured.

"I think Neville would be quite cross with me if I killed you both," Daphne said dryly. "I may be the Dark Bunnie Greengrass now, but I'm hoping that will change to the Dark Bunnie Longbottom after we leave Hogwarts."

"Come over here so I can take a look at you dear," Alice commanded. "Such a beautiful daughter in law I'm going to have."

"Thank you Mrs. Longbottom," Daphne said with a blush.

"Call me mum."

"Ok mum."

"Wait . . . you're dating our son and you're a dark minion to a Dark Lord?" Frank was confused.

"Yes?"

"Am I the only one who thinks that's odd?"

"Why would it be odd?" Daphne asked with a frown. "He is the Dark Enforcer of the North, most feared man in the United Kingdom aside from the Dreaded Dark Lord Jeremy."

"Our son is a Dark Lord?" Frank squeaked.

"Second in command," Daphne corrected. "Sort of, it's more of a show title then anything else. He's more of a dread enforcer type then a commander."

"I knew our son was going places," Alice said in delight. "Tell me more, how are his grades?"

"Tops in Herbology," Daphne said proudly. "I'm . . . well, I haven't told him but I'm hoping we can open up a greenhouse."

"Don't make too many plans without consulting him dear," Alice advised.

"I won't," Daphne agreed.

"Am I the only one who thinks it odd that our son is a feared Dark Enforcer?" Frank whined.

"He's mostly only feared by the Dark Frat Boys," Daphne mused. "Most other people don't worry about him."

"Dark Frat Boys?" Frank fell back onto the bed. "Just what have I missed?"

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.