Disclaimer: There are times when it is vitally important that you make sure that you understand exactly what the other person is saying.

Doughnuts and Rose Gardens

"Wake up Hermione," Luna said loudly, "wake up, wake up, wake up."

"What is it Luna?" Hermione groaned.

"We need to meet the train," Luna explained.

"The station isn't that far," Hermione said. "And we can floo there in an instant."

"We're not taking the floo."

"We aren't?"

"Father arranged a car to take us to the station," Luna said brightly.

"Did he arrange a driver too?"

"I'm driving," Luna replied.

"Do you have a license?"

"Of course," Luna said with a hurt look on her face, "not that I need it since I practice good personal hygiene of course."

"What does . . . never mind, okay Luna." Hermione agreed somewhat reluctantly.

"Yay."

IIIIIIIIII

"Master," Gretchen cooed, "wake up."

"What is it Gretchen?" Ron asked.

"We need to be at the castle for staff meetings," Gretchen said with a pout, "so we need to have breakfast early so everyone gets a turn."

"Who's turn is it to be breakfast first?" Ron asked with a grin.

"Mine master," Gretchen said cheerfully.

IIIIIIIIII

"Lovegood, Luna Lovegood, she's the greatest girl in history." Luna sang as she drove down the sidewalk, ignoring the screams coming from the backseat. "Perky, and dead sexy, she's about to hit a chestnut tree." Swerving around the tree she tore up the once immaculate yard in front of number four privvy drive. "Some day, we all know she will win the fight. Then that, Ha-rry won't get sleep that night."

IIIIIIIIII

Tonks woke up and felt something warm on her back. "Did I get laid last night?" She muttered hopefully. She turned to look over her shoulder to see who she spent the night with and was more then a bit disappointed to find a large snowy owl. "They got too loud again last night huh?"

"Hoot," Hedwig agreed.

"You wouldn't happen to be an animagus would you?"

"Hoot," Hedwig shook her head.

"I figured," Tonks sighed, "know any single men?"

"Hoot."

"Yes, preferably ones that aren't owls."

"Hoot."

"How about women then?"

"Hoot?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm getting a bit desperate."

IIIIIIIIII

"Outta the car," Hermione screamed as soon as they came to a stop, "and get through the barrier. Move move move."

"High strung isn't she?" Luna asked calmly.

"You get used to it," Harry replied with a shrug, "thank you for parking so close to the platform."

"That way we don't have to walk so far," Luna said with a smile, "I wasn't sure the car would go through the barrier."

"Well it was very considerate, only."

"Yes?"

"One usually parks outside the station and walks in."

"That's why there were so many people running about," Luna said in sudden understanding.

"That's right."

"Wow," Luna said as she allowed Hermione to heard her through the barrier, "the muggle world is so complicated."

After boarding the train and staking out their compartment, Hermione reached up to undo the top two buttons on her blouse.

"What do you want now?" Harry sighed.

"Harry," Hermione said while biting her lower lip, "could you go get us some snacks?"

"Fine," Harry sighed, "I suppose you want drinks too?"

"That would be nice," she agreed, "thank you Harry."

"I just want to make sure you know I loathe you."

"Love you too," she replied cheerfully. After Harry was gone, she turned to Luna and the smile dropped off her face.

"Yes?"

"Let me see that license Luna," Hermione demanded. Her face was drawn and pale and she couldn't get her hands to stop shaking as she mentally replayed the ride to the station.

"Sure," Luna agreed. "Here you are Hermione."

"Lice-Endz," Hermione read dully, "keeps away lice, fleas, ticks, and other vermin."

"It's great for mosquitos too," Luna said happily, "that's why I carry it."

"Luna?"

"Yes Hermione?"

"You're not allowed to ever drive a car again."

"But it was fun," Luna said with a pout. "Why not?

"Because you violated several dozen laws," Hermione said quickly.

"Don't worry," Luna said cheerfully, "I left a note."

"What'd it say?" Hermione asked in horror.

IIIIIIIIII

"Uh . . . sir."

"What is it Detective Smith?"

"You're not going to believe it sir," he said. "But we found a note in the car."

"So?"

"So it's what the note says," Smith explained. "It states that Dudley Dursley did not steal that car and recklessly drive through London, to Surrey, and back Through London. It notes that Dudley's fingerprints are all over the steering wheel but explains that they were planted by Dudley's freak cousin's girlfriend. It's signed 'definitely not Dudley Dursley' and ends by stating that the girl may have used magic to plant all the evidence. Lab confirms that the handwriting matches Dudley Dursley's handwriting and they also not that his fingerprints were all over it along with the car."

"Suppose it explains why he went to Surrey, wanted to go home. Arrest him."

"Sir . . . don't you think it's a bit too easy?"

"Sometimes it's fun to have a chase and sometimes it's fun to buy your meat from a butcher."

"Understood sir."

IIIIIIIIII

"Oh," Hermione said much more calmly, "good job Luna."

"Thank you Hermione."

"And Luna . . ."

"Yes Hermione?"

"Next time ask me for help," Hermione said, "I want to make the bastard pay too."

"I have no idea what you're talking about Hermione," Luna said innocently. "But suppose someone wanted to send a carton of cigarettes to a certain prison to make sure that Harry's cousin got a proper greeting . . . assuming he went to prison of course."

"Of course," Hermione echoed with an amused smile.

"How might they go about that?"

"Why don't we discuss it with Madame Bones later?" Hermione suggested. "Ok Luna?"

"Ok Hermione," Luna agreed. The two girls fell silent as the door to their compartment opened.

"I'm back," Harry announced. "Here you go."

"Cucumber sandwiches?"

"Sugar rots your teeth," Harry said smugly. "And as interesting as that could make our love life . . ."

"I think you should forget about having a love life after that statement," Hermione said dryly.

"Oh look," Harry said, "I just happen to have sugar too."

"Thank you Harry," Hermione said as she ripped the bag out of his hands, "I may just forget the awful thing you said." As Hermione tore through the candy with the enthusiasm that only the child of a dentist could muster, the other two nibbled on the sandwiches.

"Think I should make a crack about her weight?" Harry asked.

"No," Luna said after a moment of thought, "that might make her do something stupid."

"Wouldn't want to make a comment she could take seriously," Harry agreed. He raised his voice. "I bought enough for all of us dear."

Hermione opened her mouth to reply and belched loudly. "Perhaps it would be best to share then," she said with a blush.

IIIIIIIIII

Draco was red-faced with shame as his mother jerked on his leash. "Mother," he whined.

"Don't dawdle," Narcissa said firmly.

"Yes mother," he sighed. Doing his best to ignore the stares and the giggles, Draco marched across the platform with his head held high. He'd show them how a Black acted when their mother was doing her best to humiliate them.

IIIIIIIIII

"Elizabeth, I have something I need you to do."

"Yes master?" The disguised Dark Bunny asked.

"Have one of the girls pick up a Pensive later," Ron ordered, "I want to save that scene with . . . what the hell do I call him now that he's not a Malfoy? Um, the ferret I guess."

"Thy will be done master," Elizabeth agreed. "May I have a kiss master?"

"Come here," Ron ordered. He pulled the curvy witch into his arms. "I'll see you in a couple hours."

"I don't know if I can wait that long master," Elizabeth said with a pout.

"Then find some place secluded and I'll give you something to tide you over."

"Okay master," she agreed cheerfully.

IIIIIIIIII

"Having a case of the nerves Molly?" Minerva asked her new colleague.

"Just a bit," Molly admitted, "I know how to handle children but I'm not sure about teaching."

"You'll be fine," Minerva said firmly, "if they managed to turn in barely passing grades with Severus as an instructor then I'm sure you'll turn them into a group of prodigies."

"Thank you Minerva, do you know if the elves have finished my new classroom?"

"I'm afraid we were not able to build one in the castle to your specifications," Minerva said with a frown, "so we built the new Potions annex on the grounds with a small hall connecting it to the main building."

"A whole building to myself?" Molly gasped.

"The Dark Lord Jeremy Center for Potion Study and Research," Minerva said proudly, "we received a rather large donation from a slightly less then anonymous donor."

"Oh my."

"And Narcissa Black is considering what part of the castle her family wants to sponsor," Minerva continued with a smile, "the Longbottoms are funding an expansion to the Hospital Wing, and I've already penciled in Mrs. Potter as the source of our new library of course."

"Of course," Molly agreed, "those wonderful children."

"Hogwarts is going to be great again," Minerva said with her eyes shining. "It's a wonderful time to be alive . . . our new assistants should be arriving soon. Shall we go meet them?"

"Yes," Molly agreed, "let's."

IIIIIIIIII

"Guys," Ron said in excitement, "how have you been."

"Hey mate," Harry said with a grin.

"Hello Ron."

"Good afternoon Ronald," Luna said primly.

"So I hear you guys had an eventful summer?'

"You could say that," Harry agreed, "you?"

"Best summer ever," Ron said with a happy smile. "And I found a new career. If the rest of my life is half as good, I'll be deliriously happy."

"Good for you," Harry said with a grin.

"Have you heard anything about our new assistant instructors?" Hermione asked, changing the subject away from how everyone spent their summer.

"Bunch of girls," Ron said with a grin, "nice looking ones too."

"Honestly, don't you ever change?"

"Not even a little," Ron replied, "they also know their stuff. Don't think any of them came from Hogwarts."

"That could be a good thing," Hermione mused, "stop fondling me Luna."

"Do I have to?" Luna asked with a pout.

"Yes."

IIIIIIIIII

Petunia returned home that afternoon and nearly fainted when she saw what remained of her precious rose garden. As she fell to her knees she couldn't help but think that her worthless nephew had something to do with this.

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, D.J. Thorens, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.