Disclaimer: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever see.

The Melancholy of Hermione

The sorting occurred as it always did and after the feast, they got up to take the first years to their new dorm room.

"Hey Ron," Harry began, "you didn't spend much time with us on the train."

"Yeah," Hermione agreed, "you left us pretty quick."

"Sorry guys," Ron said with a look of embarrassment, "it's not that I wanted to abandon you two. It's just that I had someone . . . er something to do."

"Did our Ron finally get a girlfriend?" Hermione asked in delight.

"You could say that," Ron said easily.

"Who is she?" Hermione demanded. "What's she like?"

"I . . ." He trailed off when they rounded the corner to find two of the assistant Professors blocking the hall.

"Hello," the first one began, "my name is the dark bu . . . er . . . assistant Potions Professor Gretchen, and this is my friend Elizabeth."

"Hello," Elizabeth said cheerfully, "I'm afraid we need to take Mr. Weasley away for some well deserved punishment."

"See you later guys," Ron said.

"Harry?"

"Yes love?"

"Weren't those . . ."

"I believe they were," Harry agreed quickly.

"Huh, hope he never finds out."

"Yeah," Harry laughed, "bet he'd figure a dark minion was worse then a Slytherin."

"Mr. Potter," Minerva said with a smile, "I was hoping to catch you two before you got to your dorm. May I borrow your . . . uh . . . "

"Sure Professor," Hermione agreed, "what do you need?"

"If we could take this somewhere private?"

"Lead the way."

IIIIIIIIII

"Yeah," Tonks said wistfully, "Tim was a great . . . uh . . . whatever, and a good Auror. Gonna miss having him as a partner to tell you the truth."

"Who they pairing you up with now?"

"They'll probably put me with Shack again," Tonks said with a look of distaste.

"Don't like working with him?"

"He's a bastard," Tonks said, "but he knows his stuff. Just wouldn't want to have to deal with any . . . political issues when he's involved."

"Afraid he'd keep his eye on his career and leave you twisting in the wind?"

"Bingo."

"What's going on then children?" Amelia asked as she walked up to the group. "Anything I need to ignore?"

"I'm talkin bout Shack," Tonks explained.

"I can dig it," Amelia said with a grin. Upon seeing the confused looks of her Aurors. "What? Don't you kids use 'dig it' any more?"

"No boss," Tonks said.

"I'm gonna go take a nap then," Amelia sighed. "You need them when you get to my age."

"Ok boss," Tonks agreed. "You want me to send up some prune juice and fiber muffins too?"

"Watch it Auror Tonks."

"Yes Boss."

IIIIIIIIII

"So what do you girls need?" Ron asked.

"Punish us master," Gretchen said with tears in her eyes, "we were rude to you in front of your friends."

"You missed me that much huh?"

"We hate to be away from you master," Elizabeth agreed.

"Do you guys have private quarters?"

"Yes master," Elizabeth agreed.

"Then call the others," Ron said with a lazy grin, "looks like I'm not getting back to the Gryffindor tower tonight."

Gretchen and Elizabeth rushed off to get the others.

"Was that unholy lust, blazing from his eyes?"

"I think so, but then it has been over eight hours since he got to punish us." Elizabeth squealed.

"Best get some stamina potions then. I think we're going to need them!" Gretchen said excitedly.

IIIIIIIIII

"Could I speak with you a moment Ms. uh . . . Mrs." Minerva looked confused for a moment as she tried to find the correct term.

"Why don't you just call me Hermione Professor?" She suggested.

"Thank you Hermione," Minerva said with a relieved smile, "now I'm not sure if you've heard but several of the families are donating large sums of money to make Hogwarts great again."

"No, I wasn't aware of that. Are you asking for a donation?"

"I'm trying to," McGonagall agreed with a blush, "forgive me for being so blunt."

"Not at all Professor," Hermione said with a dazzling smile, "has anyone sponsored the library?"

"I've been saving it for you," Minerva admitted.

"Then how about we donate enough to double the size under the name of Granger and how about we endow the Defense Department under the name of Potter?"

"We could certainly do that," Minerva agreed.

"Maybe we could add a course on Dueling too," Hermione mused, "or expand the Care of Magical Creatures to include dealing with dangerous creatures . . . well . . . officially."

"Of course."

"Just be sure to keep the donations anonymous," Hermione said firmly, "at least until after we graduate anyway."

"If that's what you wish," McGonagall sighed, "do you mind if I ask why?"

"I'd rather not have any question of impropriety," Hermione replied, "I want there to be no doubt that I earned my grades."

"I won't tell a soul where we got the extra funding then," Minerva agreed, "I wouldn't worry overmuch about it though."

"Still . . ."

"I understand."

"Thank you Professor."

"Not at all Hermione."

IIIIIIIIII

"Ron sure is spending a lot of time with the new Assistant Professors," Dean said in wonder.

"Yeah," Seamus agreed. "I heard he spent the whole train ride with one of the Slytherin Prefects too."

"Poor bastard," Dean said, "year hasn't started and they already have it in for him."

"Surprised Harry and Hermione haven't tried to help him."

"Rumor has it, since those two got together there isn't room for Ron anymore."

"No?"

"No."

"Damn, I had three way in the pool."

"Never would have happened."

"You know how those smart girls are."

"Yeah . . . which reminds me. I've got a cunning plan."

"No, not a chance. You remember what happened the last time."

"My plan would have worked if we'd have used duck eggs instead of chicken eggs."

"Fine, what do we do?"

"First, we need to . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Professor," Dean said as he walked in, "I'd like to change my career . . . maybe change a few classes."

"Oh, what would you like to change it to?"

"Man whore."

"Excuse me?"

"I'd like to be a man whore," Dean said with a grin. "Care for a demonstration, I've been studying all summer."

"That will be all Mister . . ."

"But . . ."

"I said that will be all," Minerva growled, "now be on your way."

IIIIIIIIII

"What'd McGonagall want?"

"Fishing for a donation for the school," Hermione replied, "I think she's ramping up for the population explosion."

"What do you mean?"

"You've noticed how the class two years after ours was three times the size of ours and the year before combined?"

"Yeah?"

"People were celebrating the end of the war," Hermione explained, "and back then they didn't have a Dark Lord that encouraged . . . uh . . . you know."

"Uh huh, what'd ya tell her?"

"I told her that I'd donate for a larger library and that you'd take defense . . . that's okay right?"

"Well, on the condition that the Defense Professors know that they were not to make attempts on Harry Potter's life."

"Agreed," Hermione giggled.

"I also think that we could make another donation, well . . . sort of."

"What do you mean sort of?"

"Well . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"We've just received a rather large donation from the Fox and the Hound," Minerva said with a grin on her face.

"What are they sponsoring?"

"A pub," Minerva laughed, "and they request that we name it after them."

"A school pub?"

"It's not without precedent," Minerva said absently, "we had a small pub as part of the etiquette program."

"Etiquette program?"

"It ended shortly before I enrolled," Minerva said, "shame I thought."

"No sense we can't restart it," Molly said with a sly smile, "it is a rather large endowment."

"True."

IIIIIIIIII

"Good night then Harry," Hermione said reluctantly.

"Good night," Harry replied. "I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. She walked up to her dorm and did her best to make herself comfortable in a single bed. It was surprising, she thought to herself, how hard it was to get used to sleeping with another person . . . and how impossible it was to go back to sleeping alone. "Best speak with McGonagall tomorrow," she said to herself as she stared at the ceiling. "There's got to be a provision for married students . . . and if there isn't, I might have to rethink that endowment until there is."

Her traitorous mind ran through twelve different routes The Fox could use to sneak into Harry's bed, while she was trying to get to sleep, but it was just too risky. Between the portraits and the elves, any girl trying to sneak into a guy's bed was caught and unlike the boys, the girls had learned their lesson, without a permanent ward being put in place, centuries ago.

Sleeping alone after having gotten used to being curled up in Harry's arms was like being sentenced to solitary confinement. She remembered the way he'd always tug the covers over her and cradle her to his chest all night and in the mornings while she was sleeping in, he'd nuzzle his head into her neck . . . wait that was Luna.

Luna would crawl in and just hold her, making this cute little 'meep' sound when she shifted. She'd always smile when Luna did that, it was just so cute and seemed so unlike the aggressive witch who kept crawling into bed with her.

Hermione hung in that frustrating place between sleep and wake, tired but getting no real rest until she felt someone nuzzle into her side.

"Luna?" She asked blearily.

"I'm here."

"Against rules." Hermione muttered.

"I'll tell them my bed was infested with Nargles. They always nod, smile, and go away when I do that." Luna said, stroking her back.

"Do Nargles really exist?" The brown haired bookworm mumbled settling in comfortably against the blond witch.

"Not yet."

"Not yet?"

"Not yet. Neville creates them when he messes up a potion to get rid of aphids on his Blood Roses."

"So all this talk about avoiding Nargles?"

"They are one of the most annoying magical pests you can run across. I wanted to make sure my friends knew how to avoid them."

"Thanks, Luna. You're sweet." Hermione murmured into her hair.

"I'm glad you think so. Time for some rest. Night, Hermione."

"Night, Luna."

AN: The ongoing list of people that contributed to this fic without whom, it would not have been nearly as good . . . one might go so far as to say it would be quite bad: nonjon, Ed Becerra, ausfinbar, David Wangen, neil.reynolds, Ben Russell-Gough, dogbertcarroll, hattenjc, the caitiff, AlanP, Lone Wolf, meteoricshipyards, Shawn Pickett, Morris Rague, luinlothana, Treck, Drake, David Brown, Moshehim, Arthur Hansen, Marneus Calgar, Goblin214, Chris LeBron, khadon99, Shawn Pickett, tekobaka, Freddie, Musings of Apathy, ubereng, Brian Arcis, Shalon Wood, D.J. Thorens, Fenris, Pelel, peterson9803, Andrew Joshua Talon, shinji the good sharer, and everyone on my yahoo group. They gave me scenes, ideas, and all sorts of other things. Tell me if I missed you so I can add to this list. Another thanks goes to meteoricshipyards who wrote the majority of the continuing adventures of the tentacle monster as well as several others. Anything I wrote on that sub plot was fairly minor so kudos. And still another goes to neil.reynolds who wrote a large number of scenes. Yet another goes to The Resident who was good enough to do a bit of editing and caught several of my mistakes. Still more go to Andrew Joshua Talon who wrote much (most) of the subplot with Narcissa, Remus, and Draco.

Omake: Revelations

"I am somewhat worried about that new Dark Lord," Hermione admitted. "We should . . ."

"Don't worry about him," Ron said glumly.

"Why not?"

"Well . . . uh . . . this isn't easy to say you understand," Ron stammered.

"Spit it out."

"It's me," Ron admitted. "It was an accident."

"We can't leave you alone for five minutes can we?"

Omake by Zoe: Sorting the Snugglebunny generation.

Minerva McGonagall, headmistress of Hogwarts, looked out over the

crowd of over sixty first years (the majority of whom seemed , oddly

enough, to be red haired) still waiting to be sorted and wondered

briefly just how much longer this sorting - already the longest ever

in Hogwarts history - would go on for.

The record breaking number of magical children starting Hogwarts this

year had already caused some minor issues, with several extra

carriages having to be added to the Hogwarts express in order to

accommodate the now much larger student population. Merlin only knew

how they would cope if next year's incoming class was equally large.

Perhaps, she mused, it was time to start petitioning the ministry to

help fund a second school train.

Still, at least they were nearing the end of the alphabet now, after

actually having to pause halfway through the sorting to serve the

food (with a fifth table being conjured up to seat all those still

awaiting their sorting) with 'Wallace, Daniel' going to Hufflepuff,

and 'Weasley, Annabel' being called forwards.

Ah, another familiar name.

Though she would never admit it, she was secretly disappointed that

none of the Granger triplets had ended up in her old house, although

if they were anything like their older sister, she knew that they

would flourish in Ravenclaw. Perhaps this new Weasley child would be

a Gryffindor though.

Around forty minutes later, Minerva looked out at the rapidly

dwindling throng of red heads waiting to be sorted and sighed quietly

at how many were still left. This had certainly been an interesting

sorting although it was starting to get a little predictable, with

red headed Weasley after red headed Weasley being sorted into

Gryffindor. The previously conjured fifth table had even been

declared a second Gryffindor table just to have enough room to seat

all of the significantly expanded house.

And Minerva certainly didn't envy the house elves task of somehow

finding and setting up enough sleeping quarters for them all. Was

there even going to be enough space in Gryffindor tower?

Spatial difficulties aside though, hopefully the rest of the sorting

would go smoothly. Unlike when Weasley, Molly' had been called out

and no less than five red headed young girls had stepped forward.

That had taken quite some sorting out. The fact that two of the girls

also shared the same middle name had not helped matters.

"Weasley, Ron."

Minerva smiled slightly at hearing the name of another one of her

former students called, remembering the young man well.

That smile soon faded as twenty one boys (and one girl) stepped

forwards.

The headmistress groaned quietly and cradled her head in her hand.

This was going to be a long year.

OMAKE By meteoricshipyards

Voldemort looked at the Daily Prophet.

"Dark Lord Jeremy endows maternity ward at Hogwarts"

"'He must have heard that several of the assistant professors are pregnant,' commented school healer, Madam Pomphrey. . . ."

Voldemort crumbled the newspaper.

"Wormtongue! Why haven't we endowed Hogwarts before?"

Pettigrew scrunched up his face, both in exasperation on the mangling of his nickname, and in concentration.

"I think," he said slowly, "it's because endowments are generally good things, and up until this point, we've mostly been evil."

"Oh, yes. That actually makes sense. But it leads to the question, how does Dark Lord Jeremy get away with it?"

"I don't know, my lord."

"CRUCIO! Find out." The rat-faced man ran out as quick as his pain-shaking limbs would allow.

"Rookwood!"

"Yes, my lord?"

"If we were going to make an endowment, what could we do?"

"Well, our funds are rather limitted, what with the Malfoy fortune gone."

"How can we make the best endowment for the least cost?" Voldemort had that look in his eyes that said that a cruciatus curse was in your future if you didn't have a good answer.

"We could make a donation to the library, with most of it being in books!" Rookwood answered quickly.

"That's not a bad idea. See to it. But don't give away any of the important tomes. Hmmm, why did I suddenly get the urge to say tombs. We can't give them tombs, can we?"

"No, my lord, and I'll get right on classifying the books in your library."

A week later, the Dork Lord Voldemort memorial Mostly Dark but not Too Dark Bookshelf was added just outside the restricted section.

"And you're sure it shouldn't be in the Restricted Section?" acting Headmistress McGonagall asked.

"Quite sure, Minerva," the librarian answered. "Look." she grabbed a book at random, opened it at random, and handed it to McGonagall.

"The Dribble-Glass hex. That could be very dangerous if you wearing silk and drinking wine."

"We don't serve wine in school," Madam Pince reminded her.

"Annoying. Annoying. Slightly naughty. Disgusting, but not naughty." McGonagall flipped through the book. "And they're all like that?"

"Yes. It's like Voldemort was getting rid of his junk, except..."

"Except?"

"The age and rarity of some of these tomes makes them worth quite a lot."

"Very well, carry on." She put the book back in its spot on the shelf.

Addition by moshehim

Dear Mr. L. Voldemort

We at the Hermione Granger-Potter Library would like to thank you

for your generous donation and contribution to our library. We would

have liked to invite you to the exposing of your dedicated

bookshelf, however, we are informed the wards on the castle would

not let you pass. We are also informed that you have a man in your

service, one Peter P. Pettigrew, who has shown in the past ability

to move around the wards, so we would be glad to welcome him as your

representative. Further details about the event to be forwarded to

your august self upon request.

Regards,

Madam N. O. Pince

Head Librarian

Hermione Granger-Potter Library

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Voldemort finished reading. "Wormtail!" he called. "You have a new mission."

"Yes, my Lord." replied the rat animagus.

"Now, Rookwood," asked the Dark Lord. "Who is this Hermione Granger- Potter?"

"She is Potter's mudblood wife, my Lord." replied the ex- Unspeakable.

"I see." said the Dark Lord. "Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio!"

Omake by moshehim

"Yes, first year there was Quirrl. First he junxed my broomstick when I went after the snitch and tried to make me fall. Then he snuck a troll into the castle to cause a distraction while he went after the Philosopher's Stone. Of all the people in the castle, it attacked my wife, Hermione. Then he tried the same trick again, only this time with a Norwegen Ridgeback. Of all the people in the castle, the beast bit my best friend, Ron. Then, when Hermione and I dispensed with the dragon, we got detention, and were sent to the Forbidden forest to find out what was killing the unicorns. So there was Quirrl, eating his unicorn, and I interupted his lunch, so he went after me, probably fiduring I taste as good. Then he tied me, hexed me, shot a couple of unforgivables at me and even tried to strangle me with his bare hands when he finbally went after his prize. And that was only First year. Second year, there was..."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Later theat evening:

"Oh, poor baby," said Elizabeth. "You were bitten by a dragon? Here, let me, I'll make it right." she took Ron's hand in her mouth and started sucking it, playing with it with her tongue.

"Err, Elizabeth," said her master.

"Yesh ma Lot?" she asked, hand still in the mouth.

"Err... it was actually the other hand." he said. "Not that it matters," he said hurridely, as she made to take the hand out of her mouth. "It's been a long while, I can barely tell the difference."

"Ow." said Elizabeth.

"Still, if your other hand wa sbitten, Master," said Gretchen, 'It should be loke at and taken care of." And she commenced to follow what Elizabeth was doing with the other hand.

"And what should I suck on, then?" asked Clair. Then she got a glint in her eyes, followed closely by a smirk on her pretty face. "Oh, I have an idea!"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Yet later that evening:

"Master," called Elizabeth.

"Yeah?" answered Ron.

"Master, what did you do to him for setting a dragon on your tail?"

"Wah? Nothing really," admitted Ron.

"Master, if Dork Lord Voldemort set a dragon to bite you and you don't reciprocate, it would create a bad precedance and damage your reputation while bettering his, and you don't want that." said the Dark Buny.

"Hmm.,.. you're right, love, but what to do? Hmm... you said something about setting his tail on my arse, havent't you?"

"No, master, you must have heard me wrong." answered Elizabeth. "Oh! No! I contradicted you, master!" her eyes grew wide. "And I was unhelpful! you must punish me, master!"

"Err... Alright, then," said Ron. "Poochie!"

"Poochie?" asked Gretchen. "That's a new one. Oh, Master,. I was unhelpful too. Punish me, oh Master, punish me!"

"Me too!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Much later:

"Wormtail!"

"Yes, my Lord?" Peter Pettegrew was surprized his master remembered his proper name - or nickname - if you could call it that. He lately took to calling him Wormtongue instead.

"I seem to have grown a tail. Must be something wrong with the ressurection ritual I did. Get me Rookwood!" ordered the Dark... Dork Lord.

"At once, my Lord."

"No, wait, Wormtail." his master called him back.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"You have a tail yourself, don';t you? How do you deal with it? It's rather uncomfortable, stuck inside my garments as it is."

"No, my Lord, I only have a tail when I'm in my rat form, and then it swings free, when I appear as a human, I am missing my tail." Seeing his master readying his "Crucio!", Peter hurried to continue. "I might have a solution for you however, my Lord," he said. "So your tail could swing free even as you are a human. Give me a few moments and I'll be back..."

A few minutes later:

"Wormtail, what, pray tell," said Lord Voldemort in a dangerous tone, 'is that exactly?"

"My Lord, that is one of the Assless Chaps uniforms of your new recruits."

"And why did you see fit to bring this to me?"

"My Lord, your tail - it would go right through this hole here, and you could swing it as you wish." explaind Pettigrew.

"I see." said the Dark Lord. "Wormtail?"

"Yes my Lord?"

"CRUCIO! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! CRUCIO!"

"Oh, and Wormtail?"

"Drrrbbbrr... my brrr -ord?" asked the shaking rat-man.

"You say my Death Eaters took to wear this thing?"

"Not anymore, my Lord." said the recovering man-rat.

"Oh, they decided it does not befit them?"

"No, my Lord, they still wear them, they just deserted your service." answered Pettigrew.

"They what? Wormtail! CRUCIO! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! CRUCIO! Crucio! Crucio! CRUCIO! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! Now call me Rookwood."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Still later:

"Luna!" called her cousin.

"Yes Gretchen?"

"I heard Harry say he tasted sweater then a unicorn, is that true?" asked the Dark Bunny in curiosity.

"I wouldn't know." answered Luna honestly.

"Oh? Never licked a unicorn before? I thought with all your chases-well, I have a unicorn horn I haven't ot the occasion to use ever since I joined Mater - I'd lent it to you if you want-"

"No, no, I know how a unicorn tastes," said Luna. She smiled sadly. "It's HArry I never got to sample."

"Oh? he doesn't like you?"

"No, we have good potionestry between us, it's Hermione who is hard to deal with. But she's warming up me."

"Luna, love, she's been warming up to you for the past how many months? And you're still nowhere with her. Or Harry." surmized Gretchen. "I think I'll have to bring Master in on it."

"Okay," said Luna. "If you think it best."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Later:

"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?" There were many things Dark Lord Jeremy would do for his bunnies, but crossing Hermione, especially on the subject of Harry's fidelity, wasn't one of them.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

"Let's go to the Fox again - she helped us wit the tail, and I know she doesn't like the Potters much, and simply detests Hermione."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

"So let me get this straight." said the Fox. "You want me to kidnap Mrs. Potter so you could sneak your cousin into his bedroom and let her have her way with him?"

"Yes."

"And does she know of this plan of yours?"

"No."

"I see."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

"I snuck into the Potters' bedroom, but only girl I found there is this one." said the Fox, handing the uncouncience blond to the Dark Bunny.

"Luna!" called Gretchen.

"Now, about my payment?"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

"Wow!" said Luna to no one in particular. "Hermione bound me naked! In bed! With Harry! And carried me away! She SOOOO loves me!